Prologue
So, here we are. All ready for the fun-filled frippery of Shanghai. I've been up all night, having had a bit of a late one. It would like to say it was because I had been "havin' it large" in a trendy nightclub, fending off the lustful dancefloor thrusts of a thousand nubile womenfolk, but in reality it was probably something nearer spending all night unsuccessfully begging some dog-faced munter for a quickie in a toilet cubicle, if only Icould remember. My chat up technique, incidentally, is a cross between Mark off of Peep Show in full-on cringe mode and Hannibal Lecter suffering from hunger pangs, all whilst doused from head to toe in Hi Karate after shave. I can already tell I'm charming the pants off of you.
What can we expect? Firstly, it will rain. Jallen says it has been a "staccato of showers", which is a poetic way of saying "eeeh bugger, we've got naff all idea whats going on". I have cracked open my first Relentless and I should point out that I'm on a two Relentless strategy.
Alright then. Coffee? Check. Packet of chocolate digestives? Check. Party-size bag of Wotsits? Check. Laptop power lead for inevitable battery conk-out sometime around lap 14 (three hours battery life, my arse)? Check. We are good to go! Hearing word of my readiness, the mechanics and C-list celebs clear the grid like ants dashing for a casually discarded half-eaten jam doughnut.
The Foot - Formation lap underway, I have no comments, except to inform our reader that Alexander Wurz has announced his retirement after Brazil. We're not sure what he's retiring from but Williams are expected to introduce a second car for 2008.
The Race
Here we gooooo!
Lap 1 - Hammy leads away comfortably. Alonso gets a move up the inside into Massa into T1, "wheel barging" as he goes, according to Jallen. Massa forces his way back through a few corners later, mind. DC is still in 5th and I am momentarily distracted by the noise of a residual alarm. Madness.
Lap 3 - Ralf has spun off, Liuzzi's having a stormer, up to 7th. Hamilton looks under control in the lead. Ted unnecessarily advises it will rain within "7 minutes".
Lap 4 - Liuzzi past Heidfeld, which has happened while I was yawning its way through a post-Relentless haze. I should probably compliment my co-commentators right now, The Foot, and The Elbow.
Comment - "Who's that, God?" - My mate gets confused having heard team radio for the first time.
Lap 7 - Aussie-angerer Vettel forces his way past Kovalainen as we return from a break, while Webber himself is giving Kubica a run for his money. Admiral Yamamoto the first to blink and pit. For dry tyres? It still looks wetter than an otters pocket to me.
Lap 9 - Hammy looking serene-ish in the lead. Will he justify my decision to cover this weekend with common terry by winning the title? The wet tyre bods are all moving off line to cool the tyres now, and Ted's 7 minutes have elapsed without incident. But at least Webber's pit radio person reckons more rain is to come. BUT WHEN, PIT RADIO MAN?
The Foot - 2 minutes!
Lap 12 - NIIIICO watch, he's 14th, and my metaphorical Nico willy is all floppy. The bottom-of-the-screen graphic bods just amused my mate by making a bold, and specific, "rain in 3 minutes" prediction. Ted Kravitz may be moonlighting.
The Elbow - Continuing the main theme of the weekend, Britain's David Coulthard is thrashing team mate and Aussie God, Mark Webber, which is amazing considering most informed (and Australian) observers suggested he qualified on a dry setup.
Comment - "Can't they all pit at the same time so I can go get some cakes?" - My mate is unimpressed with events thusfar.
Lap 14 - Anthony Davidson, a n-n-n-n-otorious driver n-n-n-n-otorious for being the only driver without his own page on our sister site Frikipedia (hint, hint) becomes the first race retirement. The Relentless is now making it difficult for me to type.
Lap 15 - HAMMY pits! No change of tyres, despite groovy grooves being available, with rain still in the air. It's more uncertain than a betting contest revolving around some gorillas carrying a pile of plates around a tricky course right now.
Lap 17 - Massa pits and resumes comfortably behind Hammy. All too easy for the Brit right now, like a rugby team facing down the Aussies in a quarter final. Sutil spins off, having "not had a stellar weekend" according to Brundle. I have not had a stellar weekend either, in fact its been more of a Fosters weekend than a Stella weekend. Arf.
Lap 20 - Raikkonen pits and the gap from him to Hammy has been reduced to 4 seconds or so. Interesting. Where is the rain? Is anyone on dry tyres? Its all a big mess.
The Elbow - Some balder-than-Anthony-Hamilton intermediate (or shallow wets, whatever they call them) tyres can be seen as a dry line starts to emerge around much of the circuit. God however believes they shall be rain in 10 minutes, so we may see stops for new wets in a few laps.
Lap 22 - Rain in 10 minutes is the new prediction. Though this prediction bloke is so unreliable, he's probably basing it on runes, seaweed and the state of his bunions.
Comment - "It always reminds me of Top Cat when they call him DC" - Guess who.
The Elbow - God defies God, and puts on a set of dry tyres in his first pit stop.
Lap 24 - Indeed, Webbo switches to dries on his stop. Apparently. His times will be a gauge for the guys in a position to win points, then. I wouldn't know as I'm currently watching the new Ladbrokes advert starring Chris Kamara.
Lap 26 - Yes indeedy, it is now dry enough for the groovy grooves. And hello! Overtaking and everything. Alonso passes Massa, as Massa pits for dries. Alonso is still well behind where he needs to be to make the title fight go to the last round.
Lap 27 - A couple of retirements. Sutil is out in the Spyker, and Ralf has finally given up after his 13th spin of the afternoon. Kimi gets a run on Hammy for the lead, but Hammy holds on. Drama! He looks less comfortable than a man sitting on a bag full of pine needles right now, does Hamilton.
The Elbow - God was right, and the rain begins. Everyone will need a new set of inters. Meanwhile Kimi has taken the lead, as Tyler is driving like a bit of a noob.
Lap 29 - Big lap, for many reasons. As the Elbow says, Kimi finally gets past Hamilton for the lead, while Nico has a bit of a barney with the two Renaults into turn one and spins off. Boo.
Lap 30 - Hamilton is "dancing on a knife edge", to coin a Jallen idiom. Having lost the lead, his lead over 3rd placed Alonso is being eaten into faster than a hungry fat woman eats a particularly nice cake. Delaminating tyre for Hammy? MAYBE!
The Elbow - The Championship battle is back on as Tyler does a DC and goes off entering the pits! This time there's no help from the marshals and he's screwed.
Lap 31 - Lordy! Is this a silly race or not? Hammy pits for dry tyres, but runs wide into the pit lane and is beached in an oddly positioned gravel trap! He's out of the race! The title race has been thrown wider open that that fat woman's pants Friki was discussing earlier!
Lap 33 - So, to coin a phrase, "WTF?". Well, phrase, Hammy is refusing to talk to Louise Goodman, Kubica is somehow winning after Kimi and the rest pitted, and now Kubica pulls off into retirement! It seems that nobody wants to win this one!
The Elbow - Alonso's renditions of Hot Chocolate's 'You Sexy Thing' seem to have paid dividends, for a miracle has occurred in Shanghai. Meanwhile Jenson is trying to salvage some honour for Britain by charging his Honda up to 4th.
Lap 35 - Button is up to 4th in all the chaos. Kimi, Alonso, Massa, Button, Vettel, Liuzzi, Wurz and Fisi is the top 8, despite what our inaccurate standings chart says. And now the prediction bloke says "no rain for 30 minutes". He's really earned his paycheque this afternoon, this bloke.
Lap 38 - Fisi v Liuzzi is the big scrap, and Fisi passes him for 6th. Incidentally, I blames a combination of Relentless and a slow typing hand for The Elbow's pace at reporting things.
Lap 40 - Alonso is closing in on Kimi's lead. It's like that bit in Jaws when the shark swims up to the bloke in the water and eats him. But with less water. And eating.
The Elbow - Fisi is finally driving his one good race for the year, the fastest man on the track at this moment in time. Meanwhile Fernie looking like he may catch Kimi yet, which would anger most of the world.
Lap 41 - How despondant does Ted sound about Tyler's retirement? He sounds like its his birthday and he just found out his birthday cake is actually just a massive turd with strategically placed candles stuck in it.
Lap 43 - DC seems to have vanished from the whole "points-paying place" arena entirely. Jenson pits from 4th, but could still scrape some points. You know how every red-blooded male's fantasy is to have a three-way? We've got one building for two weeks time. Rrrrve grrrrt rrrr chrrrnce rrrf wrrrrnrrrrg thrrrr trrrtle, Kimi may have just said.
Lap 45 - Hamilton is in a right strop! Louise Goodman grabs an interview, but has to coax him into giving half a soundbite like a matronly parent trying to get a stroppy child to eat some broccoli.
Lap 47 - DC just loiters into the points. Kimi, Fred, Massa, Vettel, Button, Liuzzi, Ickle, DC is the top 8. Nico is back down in 16th, which makes me very sad. DC v Webber v Heikki for the final point is the big fight, with Ickle also pressuring Liuzzi for 6th.
Lap 48 - Lewis has clearly got over his strop and gives another interview to Louise. Poor old Ralfie didn't even get one interview. I just got reminded that it is Hamilton's first ever retirement, which is a heck of a stat in itself. Brundle somehow spins a compliment about Lewis "not spitting the dummy out" by giving the interview, conveniently forgetting the dummy-spitting incident a mere three minutes ago.
Lap 51 - Vettel remains in fourth, which is a performance that far outweighs anything the senior pairing at Red Bull is managing. Presumably a) Webber has a great excuse, and b) Scott Speed would have done much better.
Lap 53 - Massa is pounding in some impressive laps from 3rd, but probably not enough to worry Alonso. If Kimi holds on, it will be Ferrari's 200th victory in F1. If I hold on, it will be the earliest I've ever been up on a Sunday.
Lap 55 - Kovalainen has got past Webber and is now the man pressuring DC for the final point. Kimi, meanwhile, is serenely leading this race, like the Dalai Lama in a marathon.
Lap 56 - And the checkered flag waves! Kimi Raikkonen takes the win, and Alonso is second, while Hamilton watched the end of the race on telly. The title fight is as close as it could have possibly been. Roll on Brazil. Vettel holds on for 4th, making up for ruining his and Webbers chance of points a week ago, while Button, Liuzzi, Ickle and DC round out the other points places. Whoop.
Epilogue
So, as the drivers step out of the cars and onto the scales, Kimi looks happy and Ron Dennis doesn't. But I'll tell you who is happy, just about every F1 fan. A season finale to make you drool is now set up for Interlagos in two weeks time. Once again, Lewis will just need to drive within himself to clinch the title, but then Interlagos too has a pitlane.
The Foot - Well, an interesting race I suppose, especially Webber pitting 3 times within 10 minutes, that was a great strategy. Great, as in, completely retarded. Hamilton again going for the push but he's obviously put on the pounds since the Nurburgring as he didn't budge once in the trap. Kimi and Fernando keep their WDC hopes alive and Alonso has always been quick at the Brazilian track, it should be a great finale. Great, as in, no passing and no action, but James Allen will be shouting lots which should be entertaining.
Comment - "Look! They're getting weighed!" - The most excited my mate has been all race.
The Italian anthem drones on and on and on, champagne is sprayed, and Friki will see all of you in two weeks time for the shenanegans of Brazil. Bring it on.
One Final Comment - "It's like when they call people on the phone in Snoopy" - My mate comments on the self-parody that is Kimi speaking.
| < Prev | Next > |
|---|
