What a year it has been in Formula One. From the thrills of Kimi Raikkonen's crushingly boring win at the Australian Grand Prix back in March through to the spills of Kimi Raikkonen's crushingly boring win at the Brazilian Grand Prix a few weeks ago, fans of the sport have been treated to a cavalcade of action, intrigue, politicising, court appearances, crashes, clashes, hilariously poor performances from Ralf and hours of seemingly endless media coverage of every possible facet of Lewis Hamilton's life. To try and review everything that has happened across the year would be unnecessarily foolhardy of us at Patronise, but over the coming blocks of text, we nevertheless hope to cover as much as we can of a season that some pundits are already calling "over".
The Official Unofficial Patronise F1 Awards
We don our best tuxedos, dust off our smartest, winningest autocue recital and hand out our patented tinfoil trophies to the great and the good. These awards are in almost no way based on the more prestigious TUFFCIAWCC, and were decided on by an independent panel of judges so independent, that no two judges shared an opinion.
Driver of the Year - Adrian Sutil
Sutil wins this award for his belligerant destruction of not just the world's most sponsored man, but also the famous Admiral. Add to this some stunning outright performances in what was frankly an appalling car. Witness his topping of the timesheets in free practice at Monaco and his tussle with half the midfield at Spa, and ignore his rather stupid crash in the season-ending race.
Team of the Year - McLaren
An honour bequeathed not for success or greatness, but for disaster on a truly stratospheric level. Whether they were botching up race strategies at key moments, allowing their drivers to race each other almost to the point of crashing into each other in their efforts to persist with the traditionally smug "no team orders here" McLaren way, stealing stuff from other teams, or nearly getting blackmailed by their own driver, there truly never was a dull moment this season when Team Dennis were in session. Love them or despise them so much it makes your kidneys hurt, McLaren made F1 2007 what it was.
Event of the Year - 13th September WMSC Hearing
There were some decent races throughout the year, with honourable mentions for the carnage of Canada, the tension of Indianapolis and the smokin' tyres of Monza, but for the sheer delicious farce of a behind closed doors meeting being the most crucial moment of the season (certainly as far as the Constructors Championship was concerned), not to mention the fact that we actually bothered reporting on it, the all-action WMSC hearing wins the gong.
Move of the Year - Takuma Sato/Fernando Alonso, Canada
It was not a sparse season when it came to edge-of-the-seat overtaking moves. From Lewis Hamilton's tyre-destroying lunge on Kimi at Monza, to Ickle screaming round the outside of Alonso at Bahrain, all the way through to Nico's epic tussle with the Beemers at Interlagos, you were never too far from one car passing another one without the aid of a knackered engine or a pit stop. But for services rendered to The Goo, not to mention sheer amusement value, Taku breezing past a two time world champion in a year-old Honda takes some beating.
Quote of the Year - "Fuck off" - Hamilton to Ron Dennis, Hungary
For legal reasons, we should probably clarify that this was an unsubstantiated quote that everyone at McLaren hotly denies was ever said. Still though, it'd be funny if it was.
Team-By-Team Reports
Ferrari
The Team - Dominated the Constructors standings after McLaren's timely tippex-ing off of the chart. Proved that they had lost little in the way of race-winning abilities despite the end of the Michael Schumacher dynasty. - 8/10
The Drivers
Kimi Raikkonen - Did what he was brought in to do. When you consider the predictable retirements he racked up as well, he could easily have wrapped it up earlier without the need for all the McLaren histrionics. - 8/10
Felipe Massa - Still looked a title prospect right up to retirement at Monza, which wasn't expected. Played the "Irvine" role to perfection at final race. - 7/10
BMW Sauber
The Team - Steady improvement on 2006, as the BMW place at each race moved up from about 7th to about 4th. Still the least charismatic team the sport has ever witnessed, mind, so most successes passed fans by. - 7/10
The Drivers
Nick Heidfeld - Ickle was comfortably the "bestest of the restest" pretty much all season, without ever threatening to snatch his first win. Still, getting noticed at all is a step up, at least. - 7/10
Robert Kubica - A bit up-and-down throughout the season, and comfortably beaten by Ickle. Though his drive at Magny-Cours on his return from his sickening accident at Montreal was a season highlight. - 6.5/10
Renault
The Team - Not a total shambles, but after two title-winning years, this was a season of anonymity. Eye-melting colour scheme ensured their cars always got noticed, though usually the team probably rather hoped they hadn't been. - 5/10
The Drivers
Giancarlo Fisichella - Oh dear, Fisi. Rather than stepping into the Alonso-sized hole after the Spaniard's departure, he tripped, fell through it and landed face-down in a pile of poo. Chances of still being in Renault overalls next year dependant on whether he's allowed to keep a set in the terms of his P45. - 4/10
Heikki Kovalainen - Arrived on the coat-tails of the Hamilton/GP2 hype train, and spent much of the early season driving slowly or crashing. He got better, though, and given access to a better car, could well become another blond, Finnish title winner. - 5.5/10
Williams
The Team - Shock signs that there may be life in Team Independent yet, after dreadful 2006 campaign. The team benefited from one driver's pace and the other driver's ability to tiptoe in between accidents during crashfests and even scored their first podium in what felt like 25 years in Montreal. - 7/10
The Drivers
Nico Rosberg - The man. The legend. The TUFFCIAWCCC. Truth be told was still just as likely to find some way of spearing off the track before mid-distance as he was to garner points, but at least he was trying. - 7/10
Alexander Wurz - "My momma always said life is like my 2007 season. A slow, meaningless stumble from failure to failure occasionally punctuated by a brief moment of unexpected joy which offers hope that everything may turn out alright before a soul-destroying return to the tedium, drudgery and tragedy of the next failure." - 3/10
Kazuki Nakajima - Only had one race to impress. And didn't. - 2/10
Red Bull
The Team - Quite fast but quite fragile for Team Caffeine in 2007, to the frustration of DC and Foot alike. Adrian Newey in "designing a crock of shit" fiasco, etc, etc. - 4/10
The Drivers
David Coulthard - The 75 year old David dodders on, still turning in the same reliably average performances he's built his career on. Was the faster Red Bull on more than one occasion, but all trends have the odd blip. - 5/10
Mark Webber - In line to replace Kimi as the subject of the "Are all these endless retirements luck or is he just driving like a bit of a tit?" question. Scored a rare podium in Germany, after it rained. Consistent in quali, as well, and his drive at Interlagos deserved more than, well, retirement. - 6/10
Toyota
The Team - Another year of nothing much happening for Toyota, whose dollars spent per point earned total since they entered F1 in 2002 now stands at $400 billion. - 2/10
The Drivers
Ralf Schumacher - He's clung on to an F1 drive like a leech clings on to bare flesh since 1997, but whisper it, whisper it, Ralf may have driven his last Grand Prix. Champagne on standby. - 1/10
Jarno Trulli - Showed signs of his on/off talent this year, but only the immense boost of having Ralf as his team-mate comparison really helped keep him above water. - 3/10
Scuderia Toro Rosso
The Team - Continued to miss entire race weekends with indulgent abandon. On the rare occasion they did turn up, tended to drive into things. Though they did bother scoring some points at least. - 2/10
The Drivers
Tonio Liuzzi - The comfort eater who was supposed to be good but only ever looks slightly less bad than Scott Speed had another dull time of it. When he bothered turning up. - 2/10
Scott Speed - America's 3654th fastest driver, but the only one who could be bothered not to pursue a NASCAR career was finally turfed out of F1 mid-season. Expect occasional cameos in A1GP before he finally gets a Busch Series drive. - 1/10
Sebastian Vettel - Scored points in stand-in role at BMW in Indy, but then, you'd struggle not to in a Beemer. Switch to full-time STR drive garnered him a massive slab of reality right in the face. Which he could have done without, looks wise. - 3/10
Honda
The Team - Dearie me. Dearie, dearie me. If the Earth livery and environmental pretensions was supposed to shatter the G-Wiz induced stereotype that cars cannot be environmental AND fast, it was a marketing failure that could only be beaten getting Bobby Sands to be the new face of Weight Watchers. - 1/10
The Drivers
Jenson Button - Alas, poor Jenson, we knew him well. The Tim Henman of F1 had as humdrum a season as you could imagine, and the rise of Lewis meant ITV didn't even stop to shed a tear. - 3/10
Boobens - Bless him. Scored his first nil points since he staggered onto the F1 grid some 45 years ago. Thankfully, nobody noticed. - 3/10
Super Aguri
The Team - A much improved year for The Goo after the hastily-assembled slowness of 2006. Took on Spyker and STR for the right to be not the slowest team on the grid, and just about won. To progress, the team now needs to make sure it isn't forced to run 2007 Hondas next year. - 7/10
The Drivers
Takuma Sato - Taku put the nightmare of his crash strewn past behind him with another sensibly average season. He still had the odd lapse (the crash at Indy for example) but all things considered, looked halfway to being a decent driver. - 5/10
Anthony Davidson - aka. The forgotten Brit. The Ant slotted seamlessly into his place alongside Sato in the same way he did when he was his F3 team mate a few years back. i.e. A bit slower than him. - 4/10
Spyker
The Team - Duba-dum-dum-dum, Another one bites the dust. Yes, shockingly, another one season wonder for the team that used to be Jordan. Dreary, unenthusiastic grid-filler, set to become AquaTeamHungerForce India F1 for 2008, and expected to be dreary, unenthusiastic grid-fillers. - 1/10
The Drivers
Adrian Sutil - A shining beacon of good in a massive dungheap of slowcraps. Tragically, ATHFIF1 want to keep him for 2008. Promisingly, the bigger teams have started to court the rookie sensation. - 9/10
Christijan Albers - Like an ad break during a grand prix, achieved little more than shoving branded goods into peoples faces while pissing everyone off. - 1/10
Markus Winkelhock - One race "wonder" achieved some limited notoriety by leading the German GP during krazee rain madness. - 3/10
Sakon Yamamoto - The Admiral was only thwarted in his efforts to start 22nd at every race he enters by occasional 10-place grid penalty for midfield runner. Would benefit massively if the FIA bring in reverse grids to spice up the racing. - 2/10
McLaren
The Team - Hello! Remember these lot? Once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory thanks to persistence with lack of team pecking order. Would be successful one day if they weren't so inept at absolutely everything. A rummer state of affairs than an explosion in a mojito warehouse. - 0/10
The Drivers
Fernando Alonso - Moody, petulant, conniving, backstabbing loner. And that's just what his mother calls him. Nando reacted in all the wrong ways to finally having a half-decent team mate alongside him and his remaining fans will spend the pre-season praying for a return to 2006-vintage for next year. - 0/10
Lewis Hamilton - Depending on which side of the invisible wall around James Allen's head you reside on, either F1's spunky saviour or that bloke who got in the way of anyone trying to talk about anything else apart from him, him, him. Performed admirably for 90% of the season, then choked harder than Paris Hilton. Recently announced plans to up sticks to Switzerland, possibly moving in next to a prim, uptight German. I sense a sitcom... - 0/10
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