A short while ago, we moaned about rain-affected Grands Prix after the pointless washout that was the German GP this year, but nobody heeded our warning. And now look what has gone and happened. Rain has ruined the title race. Yes, after the exercise in improvised speedboat racing that was the inaugural GP at the Tilke-i-fied Fuji Speedway, Fernando Alonso and Kimi Raikkonen saw their challenges evaporate far quicker than the standing water on the track ever threatened to do, and British "rookie" "sensation" Lewis Hamilton now leads Kimi (by 17 points) and Alonso (by 12 points) with a measly 20 points available from the remaining two rounds of the championship. All he needs to do is finish close behind Kimi and ahead of Alonso in the Chinese GP next weekend, and he will become the first ever rookie World Champion (well, technically Giuseppe Farina won his 1950 title in his "rookie" year, but that is only because the championship didn't exist before then). Even if you take into account the fact that Hamilton was bequeathed one of only four cars out of the grid of 22 that could feasibly have won the title, that would still be a staggeringly impressive achievement by anyone's standards.
And yet despite, or possibly because, of all this (not to mention the furore of McLarengate and the old "Is the car illegal?" cherry which is being "deliciously" recycled ad nauseum just as in 1994), poor old Tyler has come in for a fair bit of flack recently, even from us at Patronise outselves. Why? Are we upset that Hamilton is refusing to follow great British sporting traditions? Is everyone else upset because F1's new golden boy isn't from their own soil? Actually, we never really understood the predisposition of F1 fans to support drivers from their own country just because they were from their own country. I have been questioned in the past by friend and relative as to why it was cheering for a portly Colombian or a hunky German when there was a perfectly good, home-grown Jenson Button available in the "frustratingly average" driver category. But I never really thought about it like that. It's just a weird area if you think about it too much, like supermarkets now advertising "home-sourced British products" as if they are somehow inherently better than a slab of beef or a tin of peas from another country.
Anyhoo, I digress. One of the main reasons for the level of Tyler-hatred can be found behind the microphone in the ITV commentary booth. Step forward, Mr James Allen.
Allen was thrust into the commentary booth after the retirement of Murray Walker some years after the retirement of Murray Walker's cognitive functions. It was a tough gig to follow, truth be told, as doddering fool Walker had found a place in the hearts of fans all over the world for his endearingly shambolic and excitable delivery. Faced with this difficult task, Allen has attempted to simply be a sort of Walker-lite, screaming "GOOOOOO!!!"s at the start of every race and putting on an air of overexcitability every time some overtaking may occur. The problem is that while Walker could get away with it because he was so old and confused you could sort of imagine he had regressed into some sort of child-like state as a precursor to the onset of dementia, Allen's efforts always come across as forced and contrived. More a parody of commentating than an actual commentary.
The main problem with Allen, mind, is the overt flag-waving Brit-loving of the whole thing. Actually, this would be fine if his commentary only went out in Britain, as in all honesty, 90% of viewers are only really interested in Hamilton anyway, and chances are they would moan a lot less that the director missed out on a Spyker spinning, or that neither commentator has pointed out the thrilling tussle for 16th place. But the ITV feed is used in broadcasts worldwide, and understandably many hardcore non-British F1 fans after a balanced play-by-play discourse of the action in front of them get more than a little upset at having to listen to two hours of HamiltonHamiltonHamiltonHamiltonHamiltonHamiltonHamilton. It's not even as if Allen doesn't know this. Often, he'll start his commentary by saying hello to all the other countries he can be heard in. He KNOWS he is by no means preaching to the converted, so why does he persist?
To be fair to Allen, it is a problem that has infested ITV throughout its sporting programming. The commentary during football World Cups on the channel borders on outright racism from time to time as they pander to every weak stereotype available. Hence, African nations are constantly labelled as "naive", South American nations are badged as "cynical", and the Irish are treated like a group of Riverdancing leprechauns, who are only in it for "the craic" of it all and their fans are probably all too pissed-up on Guinness to really care whether their team wins or loses. It really is shameful. And yet you get the idea that this is the type of commentary ITV wants in its sport. They want everything to have a tangible pro-British (or English) slant, at the cost of attempting to undermine anything and everyone that stands in the way of shouty, joyful English domination.
The solution, really, would be for Bernie and the FOM to invest in a couple of English-speaking (but manifestly neutral) commentators for the "main feed". Then, should any country receiving this want their own, biased commentary (be that Hamiltonmania for the Home Counties, Webbermania for the Antipodeans, Kubicamania for the Poles or a massive, two hour rant about how unfairly Scott Speed was treated by STR for the Americans) they can layer that over the top. That way everybody is happy, and it may just be possible for the world to look at each and every driver in the field without their feelings clouded by a desire to speak out about the shame-inducing levels of propaganda they hear every race.
So then, the race. Literally nothing happened for the first 19 laps, as the cars simply doddered around behind the safety car. Isn't rain fun! Small amounts of amusement came from watching both Ferraris spin off having tried to take advantage of the slow safety car period by starting on intermediate tyres rather than full wets. Fail. Felipe Massa seemed to forget the rules and overtook a car or two to recover his initial position, and got a drive through for his efforts, cocking up his weekend completely. Fail. Again.
Tyler was busy being an annoying bugger and making us move from casual indifference to full-on hate in its thoughts towards him, bringing us in line with much of the rest of the world. He spent an entire pre-race interview talking about how "we tried to let Alonso feel comfortable in the team" as if he was Ron Dennis's right hand man or something, rather than a snotty-nosed rookie. Actually, that's probably not far from the truth. Then, as the race finally started, he constantly brake-tested Alonso as he approached the final corner in a manner that fast went from being a cleverly distracting tactic right through to being the totally unnecessary actions of a galloping, petulent frig-face.
Other than that, anyone who had bothered staying up was beginning to wish they hadn't bothered (or indeed had already dozed off) by the time the race got started. Oddly, there were few actual retirements early on, though Jenson Button took time out to ruin both his, and Ickle's races by clashing at the first turn. While Massa and Kimi struggled, and Kimi slowly recovered, by the mid point of the race, both McLarens were all over the place, Alonso spinning off and rejoining, Hamilton being hit by Kubica and rejoining, and both being very slow indeed. It was a "kerazy" reace in which all four of the "big four" were being resolutely screwed over by the conditions and it was a lottery as to whether any of them would make it to the finish in the points. Rain rocks! The lottery put paid to Alonso's title efforts on lap 41, as he aquaplaned and crashed out of the race.
For much of the race, it seemed that Mark Webber was in line for the win, bettering his preferred 5th place by some distance, and using the levelling aspect of the conditions to rise above his woeful car. Sadly, it was not to be for Webber. Shockingly, the STRs turned up for a race, and whilst behind the safety car that came out for Alonso's shunt, Sebastian Vettel collided with Webber's car and put them both out (from 2nd and 3rd places respectively). A wave of malice rained from down under all the way onto Vettel's oddly-shaped face, and the general consensus was that he should be hung, drawn and quartered before the start of the next race as an example to all other would-be F1 rookies. A slight over-reaction, we feel, and more a sad case of he who lives by the wet conditions can just as easily die by the wet conditions (not literally, of course). Red Bull recovered some pride as DC stormed to a slightly slow 4th place. Vitantonio Liuzzi would have scored a point for STR as well as he finished 8th, but he was retroactively penalised 25 seconds for overtaking under a yellow flag and instead the point went to rookie genius Adrian Sutil, which was no less than he deserved after a quiet, but pleasing, afternoon driving faster than Boobens.
With Alonso in pieces, Kimi and Massa still recovering and any random midfield runner with a chance of winning now out of the way, the coast was clear for win number four of the season for Tyler, while the drab pointlessness of the race was slightly nulled in the closing stages by a frenetic last lap of madness from Robert Kubica's BMW and Felipe Massa's Ferrari. In scenes reminiscent of Dijon '79 (i.e. 99% dull race, 1% mad last lap), the pair of them drove the last lap like they were in a computer game with "no damage" selected, sliding hither and thither and often into each other as they tussled for a faintly uninspiring 6th place, with Massa finally getting the nod. A cracking footnote to the race, and a chance to see whether in 25 years time, F1 fans will reverently whisper "Fuji '07" like it was two hours of crashes, mad overtaking and naked ladies wrestling in jelly in the same way they blinkeredly hark on about Gilles Villeneuve crashing repeatedly into the side of a Renault. Only time will tell.
Only time will tell for Tyler as well. The title is within his grasp, but all it would take would be a retirement in China and Kimi or Alonso may yet come back into the picture. Unlikely, given the almost Schumacher-esque combination of luck, reliability and the odd push from a marshal Hamilton has enjoyed this year, but where there's the will of every non-British F1 fan in the world, there may well be a way.
| Race Result after 67 Laps | ||||
| Pos | Driver | Car | Time/Reason | Pts |
| 1 | Lewis Hamilton | McLaren - Mercedes | 2:00:34.579 | 10 |
| 2 | Heikki Kovalainen | Renault | +8.377 | 8 |
| 3 | Kimi Raikkonen | Ferrari | +9.478 | 7 |
| 4 | David Coulthard | Red Bull - Renault | +20.297 | 6 |
| 5 | Giancarlo Fisichella | Renault | +38.864 | 5 |
| 6 | Felipe Massa | Ferrari | +49.042 | 4 |
| 7 | Robert Kubica | BMW Sauber | +49.285 | 3 |
| 8 | Adrian Sutil | Spyker - Ferrari | +1:00.129 | 2 |
| 9 | Vitantonio Liuzzi | Toro Rosso - Ferrari | +1:20.622 | 1 |
| 10 | Rubens Barrichello | Honda | +1:28.342 | |
| 11 | Jenson Button | Honda | +1 Lap | |
| 12 | Admiral Yamamoto | Spyker - Ferrari | +1 Lap | |
| 13 | Jarno Trulli | Toyota | +1 Lap | |
| 14 | Nick Heidfeld | BMW Sauber | +1 Lap | |
| 15 | Takuma Sato | Super Aguri - Honda | +1 Lap | |
| R | Ralf Schumacher | Toyota | Goodbyeeee | |
| R | Anthony Davidson | Super Aguri - Honda | Goodbyeeee | |
| R | Nico Rosberg | Williams - Toyota | Wipe a tear, baby dear, | |
| R | Mark Webber | Red Bull - Renault | From your eyeeee | |
| R | Sebastian Vettel | Toro Rosso - Ferrari | Killed Scott Speed | |
| R | Fernando Alonso | McLaren - Mercedes | FAIL | |
| R | Alexander Wurz | Williams - Toyota | Box of chocolates |
Drivers Championship Standings -
1 Hamilton 107pts, 2 Alonso 95pts, 3 Raikkonen 90pts, 4 Massa 80pts, 5 Heidfeld 56pts, 6 Kubica 35pts, 7 Kovalainen 30pts, 8 Fisichella 21pts, 9 Rosberg 15pts, 10 Coulthard, Wurz 13pts, 12 Webber 10pts, 13 Trulli 7pts, 14 Schumacher 5pts, 15 Sato 4pts, 16 Button 2pts, 17 Sutil, Vettel 1pt.
Constructors Championship Standings -
1 Ferrari 170pts, 2 BMW Sauber 85pts, 3 Renault 48pts, 4 Williams 26pts, 5 Red Bull 23pts, 6 Toyota 12pts, 7 Super Aguri 4pts, 8 Honda 2pts, 9 Spyker 1pt.
McLaren removed from constructors championship.
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