Prologue
12.30 BST - Morning. Welcome to Patronise's renowned witless scribbling on the subject of the almost watchable Belgian Grand Prix. I'm feeling a bit tender, so be gentle with me.
12.35 BST - The big talking point as the race approaches is the weather, of course. Currently it is not raining, but the track is still a bit slippy from an earlier rain shower, and the dark clouds are approaching again. Grab a brolly, folks.
12.40 BST - Some discussions about Eau Rouge, namely whether it is much cop these days. An easy-flat little wiggle is hardly much to write home about, even if it is all uphill and a bit blind, after all. Sebastian Vettel likes it though, telling Brundo that "It's a bit like going in a rollercoaster, for normal people". Having seen Eau Rouge first hand, I can confirm that the old cliche that "the TV doesn't do it justice" is entirely true.
Thoughts - Is it just me, or has this season never really got going? I mean the championship is still nice and close and all, but it's just all been a bit boring, a bit samey, a bit, as the French say, puis-je fumer dans ma chambre? Sigh. Nevertheless, I'm sure that will all change here at Spa, provider of so much action down the years, providing it rains a lot. Which it seems almost certain to here. Massa will start on intermediates, at the very least.
The Elbow - "Why is Hamilton such a cocky bastard? He makes it so hard to like and support him."
12.45 BST - Brundo is desperate to find someone on dry tyres. He has a word with a Red Bull techy bod, who has these thoughts on that gamble: "I dunno, it'd be very brave I think, very brave". He then asks Webber whether the warmth around the track will help dry the track, "I dunno about that, it's warm for the English, mate," the Aussie guffs in response.
12.50 BST - So many questions to be answered here. Do Ferrari have the better package? How much fuel does Hamilton have? Will we have another crazy podium? Did Fleetwood Mac know what they were doing when they wrote that guitar solo? Will James Allen ever sound more stupid than he did here?
12.55 BST - Right then, some final arbitrary thoughts: I'm going to stick my neck out and say that Adrian Sutil will play a blinder today. I'm going to stick it out again and say that Piquet Jr won't. And I really hate Vivian Sibold. Google her, you will too.
Speculation Alert! Should Kimi fail to win this weekend, he will have to defer to Massa for the rest of the season.
The Elbow - "Vettel on the podium, Sutil in the points."
13.00 BST - Right, this is no time to think about making a cup of tea, or taking some paracetemol, or going back to bed. Formation lap away!
TYRE UPDATE: Everyone, save for Piquet Jr, has switched back to dry tyres for the start.
The Foot - "Vettel on the podium? I'll be killing myself then..."
Race
Lap 1 - What an amateur start. A Toyota came balling up the inside of everyone and knocked cars all over the place. The upshot is, Hamilton leads from Kimi, Massa, Alonso, Bourdais, Trulli, Piquet, Webber and Glock. I have literally no idea how all those cars got to where they are.
Lap 2 - Trulli has a spin into the Bus Stop and makes Rosberg take avoiding action. OH! LEAD CHANGE! Hamilton spins it at La Source! He gets back around but Raikkonen closed up through Eau Rouge and nobbled the McLaren into Les Combes. There's loads happening, live timing is dead. Heikki is somehow 11th.
Lap 4 - Kovalainen gets past Piquet though Blanchimont, that's for 8th. Kimi looking good in the lead. I have no live timing, so I'm going to make some stuff up. A green space monster eats Timo Glock.
Lap 6 - Hamilton is eating into Kimi's lead, setting a fastest lap as he goes (apparently). Bourdais still runs 5th (I think), and the intermediate gamble isn't working for Piquet, he's being caught by Vettel now.
Lap 8 - Heidfeld dropped to 9th at the start. Also Bourdais appeared to absolutely clobber the back of Jarno Trulli's car, but he seems pretty unaffected. Heikki passes Kubby for 6th. Yummy.
SUTIL UPDATE - He's just run wide across the grass. Sigh.
The Head Is An Idiot #2: Kovy was passing Kubica for 7th. I'm lost without live timing, I really am.
Kovalainen Is An Idiot #1: He's just driven into the side of Webbo's Red Bull, turning the pair of them around. Foot be not pleased.
Lap 11 - Hamilton pits! He was pretty light then. Neat enough stop, but he emerges in a bunch of traffic. Heikki gets a drive through for his clutzy move on Webber. Big mac and fries, please!
Lap 12 - Kimi pis and emerges well clear of Hamilton, who is being held up by the witless Kovalainen. WTF? Interestingly, as The Elbow points out, Kimi was lighter than Massa. Hmm.
Lap 15 - I'm phoning this commentary in somewhat, because without live timing, I'm really ragging this. WHAT IS GOING ON? ADVERTS! KELLY BROOK! SKY PLUS! The Elbow informs me that Piquet Jr has spun out of the race. That sounds reassuringly believable.
Lap 16 - Piquet has indeed spun out. He nobbles the barriers at Fagnes to become the first retirement. Sebby B has pitted and dropped to 6th. The heavy sister Toro Rosso of Sebby V is now up in 4th. Kovalainen is now down in 14th, having made his drive through. He's just behind DC's RBR. Can he make it two for two?
The Elbow - "That was pitifully embarrassing for Piquet. Again."
Lap 18 - The gap at the front is now 5.7 seconds. Hamilton's got screwed over by the traffic here. It's all gone a bit quiet on the "stuff happening front". The rot has well and truly set in. Bourdais being harried by Kubica.
Lap 22 - ADVERTS ADVERTS ADVERTS! I've given up on live timing. Barrichello has retired. The green space monster just ate Giancarlo Fisichella. Kimi, Hammy, Massa, Alonso, Bourdais, Kubica, Vettel and Heidfeld are your points scorers at the moment.
Lap 23 - Black clouds approaching, according to The Elbow. Something needs to happen, because this is dull. SUTIL UPDATE: My tip for greatness is running in a supremely strong 16th place. Boo-ya.
Lap 25 - Kimi AND Hamilton pit. What a silly strategy. So 19 laps to run on the hard Bridgestones for the pair of them. Ted reckons Hamilton is faster on the harder tyres. I smell a puncture. Ted also casually mentions Massa has an engine problem, while spannering on about the colour of Hamilton's socks.
RAIN EXPECTED IN 20 MINUTES! PUNCTUAL EXCITEMENT!
Lap 26 - Oooh, Hamilton really is quick on the hard tyres. Why's it taken him 25 laps to put them on? The gap to Kimi is now down to 3 seconds. YES! James Allen calls it a "grandstand finish"! Shots for everyone! And now another ad break. Joy.
Lap 27 - Massa pits, and Kimi takes over the lead. But for how much longer? 2.4 seconds now the gap. SUTIL IS SECOND! (In the speed trap ranking).
Lap 29 - Alonso pitted at some point as well, and drops to 8th from 4th. Bourdais is given the hurry up over the radio, he's got a personal best finish on the cards here today, up to 4th after that Alonso pit. Still no rain, yet. 1.8 seconds now the gap.
Lap 31 - Massa's "engine problem" that Ted reported briefly earlier seems to have vanished. James is now concentrating on Massa's little rev counter graphic like it's the only source of excitement on track at the moment. Oh wait, it is.
Lap 34 - Sebby B and Kubica have now both pitted. Kubby had nozzle issues apparently, and gets delayed. Bourdais, Vettel, Heidfeld and Kubica all nicely close together in the fight for the points from 5th to 8th. Nico still 10th. Bah.
Lap 36 - Live timing is back! The gap at the front has normalised at 2.3 seconds. Rosberg pits and drops to 12th. Double Bah. Rainy stuff is approaching with menace.
Lap 37 - So, a few WTFs for you: Trulli 17th, Kovalainen is back up in 9th, Sutil still 16th. The rain, if it arrives, will be light, according to Alonso's engineer. Hamilton now just 1.6 seconds behind. This could get tasty. Nakas baulks the McLaren badly. The heap.
Lap 38 - SPOTS OF RAIN! Red Bull have sent their "executive driver" out somewhere according to Ted, to "check for rain". And Ted also ponders "when McLaren will tell Hamilton to conserve the engine for Monza". Ted, he's 1.9 seconds off the lead of the race. And you're a moron.
Lap 39 - The moisture might not be an issue actually, we have 5 laps to go, but it's only really spitting. Webber in a scrap with Glock for 10th place. Which I'm sure will appease The Foot. Kimi's lead now 1.5 seconds.
Lap 40 - Oooh, Hamilton has the gap down to 0.8 seconds at one point. But then Raikkonen eases away a bit again. Hard to see where the McLaren man will be able to make a pass here, to be honest.
Lap 42 - IT'S DIJON '79 ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!! Hamilton gets a great run through Blanchimont and has a go round the outside of the Bus Stop, getting nudged onto the infield by Raikkonen. He gives Kimi the place back across the finish line, but then nabs one down the inside into La Source to re-take the lead.
Lap 43 - It's too wet for the grooved tyres now. It's going MENTAL! Hamilton spins off as they come across a recovering Rosberg, and loses the lead, but then Kimi spins AS WELL AT THE NEXT CORNER and Hamilton's back through. OH, AND KIMI'S PUT IT IN THE RUDDY BLOODY WALL!!!!
Lap 44 - Kimi out then, nightmare end for the Finn. The track is so wet now. The last onboard lap from Hamilton is terrifying, sliding through Eau Rouge. And now it's just surreal, Hamilton cruising around. Alonso pitted! The MENTALIST! Bourdais is going to be on the podium! This has been the most incredible five minutes in F1 history. And I'm not one to exaggerate, as you well know.
CHECKERED FLAG - So Hamilton wins, at the slowest speed possible! Massa second, and it all kicks off behind! Bourdais messes up somewhere and Heidfeld grabs 3rd from Alonso, Vettel and Kubica. Sebby B takes 7th and Glock gets 8th! Kovalainen broke down somewhere. Kimi's title defence is surely over.
Epilogue
14.30 BST - Hamilton looks understandably delighted on the podium. Ron Dennis describes the last lap as "like guiding in a plane with one pilot". I think he meant one engine, but never mind. The last lap and a half was just incredible. Either of Hamilton or Raikkonen seemed to spin at every corner.
CONTENTIOUS HAMILTON ISSUE #23,484 - The Elbow points out that in amongst all the excitement, Hamilton was a bit naughty making the pass for the lead in the first place, letting Kimi through but then immediately re-passing him. And the stewards are indeed investigating. Steve Rider might go on a murderous rampage down the pitlane if Hamilton gets penalised, which'd be sort of fun.
The Foot - "Indeed, some of you may recall that Alonso got told by the stewards to let a car back past at Japan '05 after similar circumstances. If you jump the chicane you can't just let them slightly back past, take their slipstream and nail them again."
14.40 BST - Hamilton is interviewed at length about anything and everything. His early mistake was a "silly spin". Very true.
14.45 BST - So the standings are now (stewards pending): Hamilton 80pts, Massa 72pts, Raikkonen 57pts. It really does like a two horse race now. Massa seems pretty chuffed with second. I don't know how Heidfeld feels, as I'm now looking at an advert for car insurance.
The Elbow - "Kimi's tactics today were a bit robust I have to say, you could tell he desperately, desperately wanted to win."
14.50 BST - Ron Dennis is asked to sum up whether he thinks the stewards will penalise Hamilton "in a word". Predictably, he responds with a barely coherent paragraph. "It's a question as to whether there was momentum what was carried froo," is the view of Blunders.
14.55 BST - So, another race where I leave this terry without knowing 100% for sure who has won. Hopefully matters will be a bit clearer in a few hours. A sensational race though. Never have all the people sitting around in Patty HQ shouted "OOOH!" at the telly and leapt out of their seats as much as they all did for those last two laps. Christ knows what the neighbours must think of us.
And we're done. There'll be a review up later, of course, and you don't have to wait long for the next dose of F1 goodness. The Italian Grand Prix is just seven days away, so we'll see you for that. Cheerio.
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