Prologue
11:30 GMT - Well good morning/afternoon/evening/night everyone, welcome to Patronises coverage of Monza qualifying. It's the Foot here, I'll be keeping you as up-to-date with on and off track goings on as I can, I'll probably be cutting some corners when it comes to the use of proper english, though by the time I type it all up there'll probably be about a 25 second delay.
Moving on to a completely different topic now, that of Hamilton and his Spa penalty. I must say as a Ferrari fan I'm a little torn over this one, I think he did gain an advantage by cutting the chicane when he didn't need to, but was it worth such a harsh penalty? Probably not. You can read about the Heads viewpoint on this issue here. If you're getting a bit sick of the entire issue, then mute your ITV feed and read on.
11:35 GMT - It's been a wet weekend so far, with the practice sessions becoming even more useless than usual, one things for sure however; Piquet is still rubbish. To be every so slightly fair with him however, I should point out that Alonso has come out and said that with Monza having both straights and corners it will be tough for them here, the Renault not liking either of those track features. In related news, Aussie hero and frankly awesome driver Mark Webber has had an engine change, but escaped penalty because he's not in a McLaren, bless him.
The Head - "Ted's now got as far as Alex Wurz in the pecking order as he tries to find a driver willing to disagree with Hamilton's penalty. T minus 5 minutes to Jean Denis Delatrez."
11:45 GMT - Track conditions at the moment? Well, I'm pretty sure it's still wet (ITV aren't telling me, and my feed is halfway through interviewing the entire BMW team). Assuming it's wet and if you're a betting person (even if you're not!) you should be mortaging your dwellings and selling your offspring and chucking the lot on Sutil grabbing pole. 15 mins until Q1 begins.
11:50 GMT - I'm watching what appears to be a Polish feed, one guy has a really bad orange striped jumper on. Their hair styles are a disaster too, Kubica is not alone in his home country it seems. If you want to send me an e-mail during the coverage you can, the address is
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- I'll check it, I promise. Oh no they're interviewing Kubica again, for the 7th time in 20 minutes. I find it moderately humerous that they still put his name up in a caption as though it isn't burnt into my retina from the first 6 times.
11:55 GMT - 5 minutes now. I feel it's time I should point out Steve Riders giant hands, I can't stay silent anymore. It's like one of those foam monstrosities you can get at the cricket, I think the question as to where they got the mould for those has been answered.
The Head - "A couple of predictions: If it's wet, Massa to start 20th. Raikkonen to get pole by 5 seconds after cutting the first chicane."
I'm predicting an easy pole for Hamilton here, with Kubica alongside him, my new Polish friends have me convinced of his greatness and I can't understand a thing they're saying. I'm also tipping a McCain win in November while we're predicting the future.
First Session
12:00 GMT - Go is the word, we're away! Everyones tootling onto the track, no lazy 5 minutes for me here. Bastards.
Conditions are really bad, I think a big shunt is likely here, standing water at Monza can't be good. The Lesmos are very, very wet. Heidfeld has a spin at the Parabolica on his outlap but gathers it up and starts a hot lap, nodding away as he does.
12:05 GMT - Glock and Bourdais are the pace setters at the moment, Sutil is 3rd after 18 people have set times. Kubica does a 3 hour lap, he'll need to pick up the pace. It seems if you're within about 10 seconds of a car ahead you can't see anything, track position will be crucial.
12:10 GMT - Toyota seem to have quite high downforce on, I can actually see their rear wing. There could be a mix of wet and dry setups here which could be interesting come tomorrow, if it's dry. Toyota are 1-3 at the moment.
The order is Heikki, Glock, Sutil, Bourdais, Trulli, Webber. It's changing a lot as you can expect.
12:15 GMT - People are having little offs fairly often, while the vast majority of the pack is just lapping over and over, fastest sectors are popping up all over the place as the extreme wet tyres displace a buttload of water off the track and onto the hordes of soggy Italians standing about the place.
The packs come in for a touch of fuel and a change of tyres, all will still be on the extreme wets for their last laps.
12:20 GMT - Session winding down but the action is heating up. Webbers 18th, the Head is getting ready to take over this terry after I smash my keyboard over my monitor. Sutil is struggling a touch too. Rosberg is through to Q2 I'm sure, he's done a great time and is in P2. Marks improved to 11th, joy. The standings are changing heaps here, Alonso is the only real shock at the moment, he's 13th and in danger.
Sutil has ruined his last lap! He's going to start last. There must be thousands out of home and family at the moment having followed my advice. Barrichello, Piquet, Nakajima and Button will join him. The rain is supposed to be a great leveller, but thats a fairly typical Q1 result really.
The Head - "To add insult to The Sut's injuries, James Allen just called him 'Sato'."
It's not all bad news down at the Force India garage though, Fisichella has made it through to Q2 to secure Aqua Teen Hunger Forces best qualifying position ever. Penalties pendings ofcourse.
Second Session
12:30 GMT - We're off again, the cars are streaming out again. Hamiltons done as many laps that first session than he did the entire three at Spa.
Bourdais Hamiltons the first chicane, thats his lap ruined, still theres a little less pressure here, everyones got a good 8 or 9 goes to get the perfect lap in.
12:35 GMT - Hamilton is sitting in the pits, is he thinking inters? He's kerayzee if he is. He's on track now but for once the camera isn't looking at him.
Kimi just forgot that Ascari is a left hander not a right hander. Thankfully he realised his mistake before he hit the wall. Patronises more cluey readers will remember that Kimi doesn't really like that corner, after he got funky with the tyre wall there in 2007 resulting in a rather gooey neck.
12:40 GMT - Hamilton is going quite slowly here, he's stuck in 15th. He'll be happy to know neither of the Ferraris are in the top 10 either. Beamer think it's about to pour down again. Rosberg and Webber are 3rd and 6th. *Continues rain dance*
Hamiltons had a spinny, it's so wet. Earlier in the session it was a bit dryer, everyone else set times on extremes while Hamilton was trying inters, he missed the window! The Star Sports guys think hes so slow because he's thinking about the Spa penalty. Why do they get paid to say such things?
12:45 GMT - The clock is just ticking down to zero but no ones to improve. Star Sports now think Ham has an engine problem. Oh dear. It looks like Kubica, Fisichella, Coulthard, Raikkonen and Hamilton are going to drop out here. Star Sports terry update: Driving through the gravel will ruin your quick lap.
Note to James Allen; Kovalainen is in a McLaren.
Well, what a second session, both STRs through for the third race in succession, Rosberg is back up in the top 10 if The Heads squealing is anything to go by. Both Toyotas are also through. The final session will start soon and it should be fun. JYS is talking about elephants.
Third Session
12:50 GMT - So, here we go then, this is Massas big chance, if he can get solidly in the top 5 here he could easily podium tomorrow while Raikkonen, Kubica and Hamilton are probably going to have tough days from the boonies of the grid.
12:55 GMT - Oh this is great, Bourdais on an easy pole at the moment! NO! Heikki snatches it, theres a 3 seconds time spread over the field. Webber shoots to 3rd! HAIL NOW PLEASE! K, THNX!
Vettel has now shot up to provisional pole position, Massa is in 5th. 3 minutes to go, times are slowly coming down as the drivers push a little harder.
13:00 GMT - Final laps starting now, Vettel still on pole, then Heikki, Webber, Rosberg and Bourdais. This is tenth, we won't know for a while whats going on here! As much as it pains me to say, Vettel is looking very nice on track.
I think it's raining more now, the chequered flag is out, can anyone improve? Rosberg is looking good, Bourdais goes P3! They're still lapping, Massa is 6th, Heikki goes for it but just falls a tenth short of Vettel who will take pole, YES! Webber takes P3 back from Bourdais, great job Mark. STR guys going bonkers.
Epilogue
Well that was an amazing session, the field was levelled out a touch in the wet conditions and the "top" cars fell away. Heikki was the only one from the big three teams to do anything decent. Hit the 'Grid as it stands' button up the top to see the entire grid.
Vettel is a happy chappy, a great first pole for him. Three Red Bull cars in the top four, fun stuff for the energy drink. DC ruins the party by being rubbish again.
The Head - "I'm off to hunt for video evidence that Vettel, Heikki, Webbo and Seabass cut a chicane somewhere."
So, with a Ferrari engine on pole in Monza it's sure to be a fun race, with Raikkonen, Kubica and Hamilton all out of position it should be great. We'll be here as usual, hope you can join us! If you've got nothing to do right now though, hang about as The Head will be covering GP2 live very soon! Cheerio.
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