Patronise F1

Prologue

11.40 BST - Hello, and a warm(ish) welcome to Patronise's shambling lap-by-lap coverage of the opening day of this inaugural Singapore Grand Prix weekend. Two 90 minute practice sessions stand between the drivers and their beds (and, coincidentally, between me and the pub), so let's get on with it, shall we?

11.45 BST - This opening practice session offers the first glimpse of the "exciting" new spectacle of F1 night racing. And I'm not entirely sure how great that's going to end up looking. I mean, we've all seen bits of night racing from Le Mans and what not, but Le Mans this isn't, and with all the floodlights here, this may end up looking almost as if it was daylight anyway, and the novelty may well wear off pretty quickly. But then I'm a cold-blooded cynic with a heart as black as coal, so I would say that.

11.50 BST - At least we should still get a bit more action in this opening session that we usually do. The drivers will want to get as much early data as they can about this tight, twisty and complicated track. They will, won't they? Tell me they will! I want to see cars!

11.55 BST - The last time we tried this whole commentating on practice sessions malarkey, neither the live timing or the TV feed started working on time, so I'm loading them up now and crossing (just about) everything.

Session

12.00 BST - And we're underway! The Force India pair lead out a gaggle of cars for the first tentative steps around the street course. And if it doesn't look absolutely ruddy fantastic.The track, I mean, not Giancarlo Fisichella. My dark hearted cynicism above could not have been more misplaced.

12.06 BST - Are they setting laps then? Are they buggery. Aside from the two Ferrari drivers, who are possibly still asleep, everyone has done a single installation lap and pitted. That's right guys, give the fans a show!

12.10 BST - "A millimetre's not going to do it boys," Sebby Bourdais moans on his radio as the mechanics discuss raising the ride height of his Toro Rosso. They should probably listen to him, his Champ Car experience around these sorts of tracks should pay off this weekend. Possibly.

The Elbow - "Webber's just been talking to Holly Samos on BBC radio, talking about bumps, problems with the pit lane entrance, and that chicane with the big kerbs."

Dirty euphemism-tastic.

12.16 BST - The sun has properly set now, and the backdrop looks even better. To be honest, I haven't really been looking at the track much yet, what with all the cooing over the pretty buildings and shadows there is to be done. Jenson Button nails the first proper lap of the day, a 1:59.967. Christ, that's slow. He did get baulked a bit by a Toro Rosso, but still. Glock beats his time with a 1:52.618.The Toro Rossos do 1:57s. This is all very torpid. I was promised 1:34s.

The Elbow - "Wow, what a lap by Button, the fastest lap in Singapore Circuit history!"

12.20 BST - Everyone starts to take chunks out of their times now. Glock leads with a 1:49.396, from Bourdais, Trulli, Vettel and Button. Nobody else has set a time yet, though the Renault twins are on track as I type.

12.25 BST - Raikkonen becomes the first frontrunner to come out and play, his rouge machine looking resplendent in the moonlight (read: thousands of floodlights). But he too is quite tentative, slowest on his first lap before improving to a 1:50.408 to go 4th. Glock now has his time down into the low 1:48s, but whoever reckoned the average lap around here would be just over 90 seconds was taking the proverbial. Alonso goes P3.

12.28 BST - Crash! - Webbo has plonked his Red Bull square in the barriers in the final sector. That'll be his session over then. He couldn't have found a more public place to make that mistake. He's nobbled the entrance to the tunnel that leads under the grandstand, and the happy snappers in the crowd are loving it. Smile, Mark!

12.31 BST - Oddly, this whole incident is being covered under yellows, rather than getting the session stopped. There's a brave/stupid track marshal standing on the track waving at approaching cars to slow down. Rather him than me. Glock and Trulli top the times for Toyota, from Alonso, Bourdais and Raikkonen. Only the two McLaren drivers have yet to set a time in anger. Grrr.

The Elbow - "There's flag lights instead of flag marshals this weekend, because they reckon the drivers will be able to see the lights more easily.....well, they said that, but i've just definitely seen both yellow and green flags being waved."

12.35 BST - We're back under green conditions, and just in time for Nico to plonk his Williams up in P2! Lovely stuff. Kubica then comes along and usurps the blond one, as Coulthard improves to 7th, Nakas to 9th and Fisichella to 10th. What on earth is Massa playing at? He's 16th. Oh, no he isn't, Massa goes 4th.

12.38 BST - Alonso finds a groove from somewhere and goes P1, just ahead of Kubica and Massa as Glock tumbles down to 4th. I think the conclusion to The Elbow's marshalling conundrum above is that they're sort of using both. McLaren are here after all! Kovalainen goes 19th, and Hamilton goes 6th.

12.43 BST - It's been 43 minutes without any major technical issues with the ITV feed, and that's simply not good enough. So, on cue, the pictures lag, the sound starts to speed up, and then the whole thing just disappears in a cavalcade of buffery madness. Hamilton goes 2nd, Kovalainen up to 5th, according to the live timing.

The Elbow - "Hamilton's first lap was much quicker than anyone else's first lap."

12.46 BST - I'm still without pictures, but my automatically updating timing spreadsheet is working, and tells me that Hamilton has now gone fastest ahead of Alonso. JENSON BUTTON 4TH?!?! WHEN THE GALLOPPING HECK DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!?!

12.48 BST - The pictures are back! Just in time for me to hear Bourdais moaning about the placement of a "don-jer-erzzz" while line somewhere in a braking zone. The stuttering pictures seem to confuse Heikki Kovalainen, who has a spinny, but seems to keep it out of the walls. The feed is dead again.

12.52 BST - So, the top ten as things stand: Hamilton, Alonso, Kubica, Button(!!!!), Kovalainen, Massa, Glock, Nakajima, Heidfeld and Vettel. And in the time it's taken me to type that, Nico has gone third, but bugger it, I'm not changing anything. Heikki recovers to the pits and wary mechanics begin polishing his nose. And then they start work on the car. Chortle.

12.55 BST - Can someone tell Nelson Piquet which way round his car is supposed to be going? We're onboard for half a lap with him, and he tries to send his car through most of the corners backwards. Crikey, Massa's just given the wall a bit of a love tap as he powers up to third place, and while all that was happening, Alonso goes back to the top of the times.

12.58 BST - Massa's car is clearly suffering no ill-effects from that litle graze of the wall, and he now goes P1. Raikkonen is still trundling around in 9th in the other Ferrari. The sight of DC moving as high as 11th is too much information for the TV feed to take, and I'm blind again.

13.02 BST - Kimi trundles no longer! The reigning champ has woken up and gone P1, on a 1:46.103! Massa still 2nd, from Kubica, Alonso, Hamilton and Rosberg. Jarno Trulli is the new "point and laugh at the rubbish driver" focus after Kimi's improvement. The Toyota man is 19th right now, only ahead of Webber, who has spent most of the session walking back to the pits in a haze of contrition.

The Elbow - "R.E. Predicted lap times. Apparently Renault's simulation was 1:45. We've been had."

13.05 BST - The lead just keeps on changing. Hamilton reasserts himself at the top of the times with a 1:46.035, while Jenson Button, in that Honda, is still gamely hanging on in there in 6th. Kubica nearly nibbled the barrier there, I think, but to be honest, the feed is lagging so badly right now, it's like watching a children's flip book played at half speed.

13.08 BST - Spectacular stuff from Kubica. He prangs one of the high kerbs and gets all four wheels off the ground. My bastard pictures are now so far behind, The Elbow is giving my tips on what to look out for based on what he saw five minutes ago. The current order: Hamilton, Raikkonen, Massa, Kubica, Heikki, Alonso, Button, Rosberg, Ickle, Glock.

13.15 BST - Hammy becomes the first driver to dip into the 1:45s as he eases away from the Ferraris at the top of the standings. Glocky runs straight down a handy escape road as he makes a hash of one of the left handers. Bazza is showing STOP on the live timing. I expect to see pictures of what's befallen him within the hour.

13.19 BST - Boobens lost it coming out of the last corner, it looked like, and backed his Honda into the wall. Not a biggie, but enough to bring the big tractor tow truck. Trulli had a spin there too at some point. According to The Elbow, that's the turn that Bourdais claimed had a dangerous white line painted on it earlier.

13.22 BST - Yellows for the Barrichello incident means that nobody is improving right now. Before the Brazilian parked it, Kovalainen had moved up to 4th, some half a second behind his team mate. Trulli has done 24 laps now, and is still 19th. Madness. Not long to go in this session now.

13.25 BST - Bourdais has given up with this session for now. His car is in bits in the garage. Not sure if he's got a problem there. Trulli continues to be crap, cutting over a chicane during some shenanigans with Kovalainen. Did he gain an advantage?

13.27 BST - Almost the end of the session, and Raikkonen's on it, purpling the first sector.....and the second sector! This is going to be a stonker from the Finn. Or not. He remains second, with a 1:45.961, having screwed up the last sector. Hammy doesn't screw up the last sector, and improves again! A 1:45.518 for the McLaren man now, and he's almost half a second clear of the pack.

13.30 BST - Both Ferraris have now purpled the first sector. This is going to be a tasty end to this session. Can either (or both) usurp Grandmaster Hamilton? The answer is: Not quite from Massa, a 1:45.598 puts him second. And Kimi? Pulls into the pits. That wasn't as tasty as I was expecting it to be, frankly. Much like the first time I ate hoummus.

13.32 BST - And we're done. Hamilton takes first blood then, a mere 8 hundredths of a second ahead of Massa. Raikkonen ends the day 3rd, ahead of Kovalainen, Kubica and NICO!!!!!!! Ahem.

Epilogue

13.35 BST - That was all a lot of fun. And I'm not even joking when I say that. Without wishing to overreact or put any undue pressure on the rest of the weekend: This is the best F1 track in the history of forever.*

* This is a staggering overreaction.

13.40 BST - So, we're done with this one. Thank you for reading, and if you found this as almost worth the effort as I did, then you'll be pleased to hear that we'll be going again in less than an hour in FP2. Join me for more frolics then.

Prologue

14.20 BST - Blimey, this is a busy day. We're almost ready to go again. If I told you it was raining in Singapore, how would that grab you? Round the throat? Naughty pictures still appreciated at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it by the way.

14.25 BST - Ok, I'll be honest. I went a little overboard with my comments about this being the best race track ever. In fact the track itself is more than a little bit bobbins. But the nighty stuff really is brilliant to watch. I suggest making Barcelona and Hungary night races from now on. It'll make up for the lack of action in an instant.

14.30 BST - Two things: The ITV feed is working, and it doesn't look that wet to me. Also, they're still clearing people out the pitlane from (I assume) some sort of VIP walkabout session. We don't look all that ready for a start to be perfectly honest. And indeed we have a "2 minute" delay to proceedings here. Bernie smells a nice juicy fine.

Session

14.32 BST - GET OUT THE PIT LANE, YOU FOOLS! There we go. The green light comes on and out come Rosberg, Vettel and Kubica.

14.35 BST - The Foot's suggestion of sending Nakas out to clear a space through the crowd wasn't necessary in the end then. The cameras are trained on the new F1 darling Sebby Vettel early on here, as he gets squarely baulked by a Force India.

14.37 BST - Oh Nico, dearest. He purples the middle sector, and then completely forgets to brake for the next left hander, and ends up reversing out of the escape road. Try again. Alonso goes quickest in lieu of the German, from Heidfeld, Nakas and Kubica.

14.40 BST - WHAMMO! That's more like it from Rosberg, he goes P1 with a 1:46.931. HEIKKI HAS A PROBLEM! He's touring around very slowly. OH NO HE DOESN'T! He carries on and starts a quick one. No idea what that was about. Before you ask, no, it wasn't his out lap. The Foot is preparing to shoot his "contacts", as we get the message that no rain is expected for the entire session.

ITV Feed Update - It only seems to be lagging by around a minute in this session. Inexpensive progress.

14.43 BST - Kovalainen sets a proper lap, he goes 2nd, 13 thousandths slower than Nico, who remains top for now. Alonso 3rd, then Nakas, Vettel and Heidfeld. We see Alonso cutting through a chicane. Oh, and we see Vettel running down Nico's escape road. Amateur hour has descended on us. To prove my point, the ITV feed crashes.

14.45 BST - Nakas has also been off, but he's got going again. Woo, Massa nails the high kerbing on his first lap of this session, but he only goes 4th. Kubica improves to 3rd. Hamilton is on track. Neither of the FP1 crashers, Webber or Barrichello, are though. Nico improves (a bit) to a 1:46.835.

14.50 BST - The ITV feed is bordering on unwatchable. Such a shambles. Hamilton ruins everyone's (i.e. Nico's and mine) fun by clonking in a 1:46.113 to steal P1 by the skin of just under a second. Vettel's been off down the escape road again. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO LEFT THERE, SEBASTIAN!

14.53 BST - We're granted a lap onboard Fisichella's Force India from a camera pointing backwards over his right sidepod. Weird. I say "a lap onboard", I mean four or five still images repleate with some delayed sound and a couple of error reports. Massa goes 3rd, Kovalainen 4th. Dynamite Sutil is up in 12th for the moment. We're not even following the right Force India.

14.55 BST - Nakas has another spinny down a different escape road, while Piquet Jr's right rear tyre kisses the barriers. Not a heavy kiss, more of an early morning peck on the cheek than a late night drunken slobberfest.

14.58 BST - Rosberg purples the middle sector and is oh so close to pipping Hamilton's time. Just 0.084 behind him, is the little nugget in the Williams. Meanwhile, in the pits, a man with from Bridgestone pokes the track with a highly technical poking device. He appears nonplussed. Only Bourdais, Kimi and Webber yet to set a lap. Barrichello is currently slowest. And we get another replay of Piquet running off the track. Collect them all!

15.01 BST - The damage to Webber's car from his FP1 prang must have been fairly complete. He's still nowhere to be seen. Couldn't have picked a worse track to do it at, either, what with the complete lack of a gap between sessions. The cars still look shiny. I heart floodlights. Top six still Hammy, Nico, Massa, Kovy, Bobby K and Nando.

15.03 BST - The Ferraris are lapping line astern here, and they are shinier than most. I'd say 20% more shiny. Big props to the good people at Turtle Wax Inc. Kimi's not quick on his first lap, and he goes 16th. The audience "WTF?"s in unison.

The Elbow - "Holly Samos (BBC Radio) reports that work is still going on with Webber's car, and they're hoping to get him out before the end of the session."

15.08 BST - The gap between Hamilton/Rosberg and the rest is some 8 tenths of a second. By extension, does this make Nico somewhat Sennaesque? Raikkonen has emerged from his two lap slumber, and moves up to 6th. Bourdais is still moaning about ride height. His car is too high, apparently. And it shows, he's 18th of the 19 times set so far.

15.12 BST - Hamilton sets a PB to go 3 tenths clear of Rosberg, ending those nascent Sennaesque Nico rumours before they even started. Meanwhile, Kubica goes P3! Webber's car still looks shot, as work continues in the pits. And MASSA'S BEEN OFF! Down another of those escape roads, not really all that dramatic to be fair. I retract the capitalisation of that bit.

15.15 BST - There's a massive dual carriageway right above the finish line! This place is mental! Hamilton still top, from Rosberg, Kubica, Kimi, Massa, Alonso, Kovy and Nakas. Very good day for Williams so far.

The Elbow - "Trulli a bit less off the pace."

Indeed, he's a stellar 15th as we speak.

15.20 BST - Piquet wags his tail out of one of the right handers, and he's still down in 14th. Fisichella's had his Shreddies, he's up to 11th! Oooh, but he has gearbox issues, apparently, and he's back in the pits.

The Elbow - "Holly has more information - Bourdais is having all sorts of problems with the car, "feels like it's on a hook", and Sutil is complaining about the bumps."

15.24 BST - Sounds pretty terminal, does Fisichella's problem. That might be that from him today. Amidst the carnage of the lower order, DC now sits 18th, only ahead of Barrichello, whose lap times can be measured with a calender.

15.28 BST - Not much is changing in the top few places. Glock has just gone 8th, Button running in 9th, having another grand time in an awful car. Kovalainen improves to 4th, and we get another shot from the Red Bull garage. Still no sign of Webber's car being put back together in time. There's blokes standing around it scratching their heads, like the point you reach when you think you've built your new chest of drawers, but there's a plank of wood, three screws and a metal bracket left over.

15.32 BST - The lighting is making it easy to see inside the visors of the drivers, which is a bit disconcerting, to tell you the truth. The Stig'd be rumbled if he ever did a lap of this place. Apropos nothing, Ben Collins never made it to F1.

The Elbow - "Trulli drove the wrong way down the track after spinning in FP1, and the stewards have fined him 10000 Euros."

That certainly explains his lap times from the first session.

15.35 BST - Like ships that pass in the night, just as The Foot gives up and goes to bed, Webbo returns to the action. Massa has moved up to second, while I've been prattling on about nothing, 0.289 off Hamilton's session-topper.

15.39 BST - So, what can Webber do? He's only done 4 laps of the place so far (well, 4 and a bit), so don't expect too much too soon, and indeed a 1:51.666 is rather slow. He needs to bang some laps in over the remaining 20 minutes or so. Massa's been down another escape road, which ruined the quick-looking lap he was on. The top few: Hamilton, Massa, Rosberg, Kubica, Kovalainen, Raikkonen, Alonso, Glock.

15.44 BST - Nico's back out for another few laps, but he's not especially quick. Any changes the team made don't seem to have worked there. Trulli's now slid down to 18th, Webber is slowly learning the track, now down at a 1:49.695, but still last.

15.46 BST - MASSA GOES QUICKEST! Just a smidge faster than Hamilton, who looked like he was nailed on at the top, to be honest. The times are still a bit slower than in FP1, so there may be a bit more to come as we hurtle towards the end of the session.

15.48 BST - Good god, Bourdais is moaning again. He's high maintenence and a half, that one. His latest complaint is the tyres. The Frenchman currently sits 12th, which isn't too bad, but half a second behind his team mate, which is quite bad. Webber, meanwhile, has scrubbed enough time off his laps to pop above the glacially slow Barrichello into 19th. Next target: Jarno Trulli, who doesn't even seem to know which way he's supposed to be going.

15.51 BST - The pit lane exit is causing a few problems. Cars exiting the pits seem to have to dive onto the runoff to get out of the way of quicker cars. Kovalainen goes P2! It's tighter than a Hoxtonite's jeans at the top, just 12 thousandths of a second cover Massa, Kovy and Hamilton.

15.53 BST - Bad news, Webber fans. Just as Mark gets up to 19th, Barrichello hooks a lap up from nowhere to go back ahead of the Aussie. And good news, Hamilton fans. Lewis purples sector two to snatch P1 back by 4 hundredths of a second. Qualifying tomorrow is going to be nailbitingly close at this rate.

15.57 BST - Could be a scorching end to the session. All of the top six are out on track. Trulli clambers up to 16th, knocking Piquet Jr and Dynamite Sutil down a place. Five minutes to go.

15.59 BST - Maybe not that good an end, actually. Nobody is improving their times right at the moment. Hamilton is back in the pits, seemingly satisfied with his days work. And well he might be, the smug little so-and-so.

16.01 BST - Webber goes 10th! Right at the last! Cracking little effort, that, given how much of today's running he lost for his little accident earlier. OMFG! Alonso, from left field, goes P1! Where the ruddy heck did that come from?

The Elbow - "Alonso is the King!"

16.03 BST - Heidfeld has slipped back to 16th in amongst everything. Timo Glock has pranged some barrier or another, and ends the session sans front wing. According to The Elbow, Mark Hughes reckons it was "a failure on the rear". Which made me giggle more than it really should have done.

16.05 BST - And that's the session done! Another action packed (ish) 90 minutes, and Alonso ends the night top, from Hamilton, Massa, Kovalainen, Rosberg and Kubica.

Epilogue

16.07 BST - So, a bit of joy for Renault, though he had the super softs on, and probably no fuel. But never mind, it makes a nice change to have a new name on top of the timing screen to be honest. As for the star of the day? Button ended in the top ten in both sessions, which is made even more of a result when you consider how slow his team mate looked.

Special mention to Nico (naturally), who looks super quick. I eagerly await finding out how he and the team plan to muck this one up.

The Elbow - "There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando! (Let me enjoy this, please)."

16.10 BST - I'll leave The Elbow to celebrate then. And speaking of him, he'll be in the hotseat tomorrow for the vital qualifying session, which looks like it'll be six shades of bonkers if today was anything to go by. Join him for that here on Patronise from 14.30 BST tomorrow. For today though, we're done. It's been fun. Cheerio.