Prologue
12.35 BST - Morning. Despite running slightly late, I'm here, it's happening. Patty's LBL commentary on the inaugural Singapore Grand Prix is here!
12.40 BST - So we have our two championship protagonists side by side on the front row, with Felipe Massa starting from the pole spot after his super lap yesterday. Some incidental news from qualifying, Nick Heidfeld has got a three place grid penalty for blocking Rubens Barrichello. Brundo collars the Singapore Prime Minister and talks about rain. The locals hang up "chillis and onions" to keep the wet weather away, apparently.
12.45 BST - Some more grid-related news (I really am full of it, in so many ways), Giancarlo Fisichella will start from the pit lane after a crash-riddled Saturday on track, after the team had to break parc ferme conditions to repair it post-qualifying. Thrilling stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.
12.50 BST - Be still my beating heart. Nico's on telly, talking about how hot it is. My brain explodes in a cataclysm of smutty one liners. Championship-wise, don't forget that in amongst the Massa/Hamilton battle, the two drivers behind them are still clinging on to their own faint title hopes. Kimi Raikkonen and Robert Kubica will be hoping to capitalise should anything befall the front row men.
12.55 BST - James Allen's opening line is a clunking paragraph about the "credit crunch". Probably one of the worst things anyone has ever said in the history of time. The track, by the way, looks absolutely splendid.
The Foot - "Mr Riders fingers look like giant over grown tic tacs. I've got to say, I'm looking forward to this though Webber has no chance, I'm right on the edge of my teat."
13.00 BST - Ready for a start....
Race
Lap 1 - Massa makes a bliding start and comfortably leads from Hamilton. Kovy's made an awful start, down to 7th. He passes Glock into turn seven, but the Toyota comes back at the next corner. Overtaking, whatever next? Rosberg's made a poor start. Ho hum.
Lap 2 - Massa leads by 1.2 seconds after the opening lap. Alonso's on a recovery drive here, up into 12th place already, having passes Webber, Button and Coulthard off the line. Raikkonen still 3rd, Kubica 4th, Vettel 5th, Glock 6th, Kovy 7th and Ickle 8th. Kovy got nerfed by Kubica on the opening lap. That explains why he's dropped places.
The Foot - "I thought the whole arguement about the wheel covers not being moveable aero devices was that they aided in brake cooling. Seems that isn't the case."
Lap 3 - The Foot points out that Alonso cut the first corner to gain some places. Keep an eye out for that one. Rosberg has a nibble at Trulli, but runs off at turn 2 and the Toyota is back through. Then Nakas nearly locks up and runs into the back of his team mate. All a bit scary. Massa purples the middle sector, now 1.7 seconds clear. The front two are dropping Raikkonen quicker than a slightly inebriated reveller drops a beer-soaked pint glass.
Lap 4 - Rosberg has another go at breaking out of the Trulli train, which seems to have become official enough a name for Allen to use it. He fails.
Lap 5 - There's a brake duct or something on the track. Webbo just nudged it with his front wheel. Rosberg still sticking to Trulli's back like a bad suit. Break time for ITV. Joy.
Lap 6 - Massa now 3.1 seconds up the road from Hamilton. Raikkonen 8.4 seconds behind his team mate. I'm assuming there's some fairly disparate strategies on the go out here, otherwise Massa's gonna win by a lap.
Lap 7 - Oh good. While I watch the All Black rugby team sell me a van, Nico has finally nailed Trulli somewhere. Ooof, from the replay, Rosberg stood on everything into turn seven to finally pass the Italian. That's probably not done the tyres much good. Nakas has passed him as well, while Massa has got that bit of debris stuck in his undertray.
Lap 8 - Alonso does Trulli into T7 as well, much more neatly than Rosberg managed. Now it's Webber's turn to harry the driver of the train.
Lap 10 - Kimi has started his race, ten laps after everyone else did. He's purpling sectors now, and starting to reel in Hamilton in the battle for second place. Massa is still serenely pootling along in the lead. Is pootling a word? It is now.
Lap 11 - Raikkonen is monstering the track here, and he and Massa are swapping fastest sectors. Hamilton's looking every inch the lame duck at this stage of the race. Just to prove how much getting stuck behind Trulli hurts you, Rosberg is still 10 seconds behind 8th place Heidfeld. Webber still fighting with the Toyota man, but because it's Webber, we're not seeing that on TV.
Lap 12 - Alonso pits, his super-aggressive low fuel recovery drive not having really worked. He emerges in last place. Bourdais continues his efforts to get a drive for next year by spinning down an escape road. He gets going again, though. Still no retirements.
Lap 14 - CRASH! - Piquet Jr has hit the wall at fairly significant speed, just losing control on the exit of a left hander. This could shake the order up a bit. Safety car out, pits closed, etc etc etc.
Lap 15 - Interestingly, Red Bull got their guys in and out before the SC. That's an advantage for them. And now the rules start to ruin everyone's day. Rosberg is forced to pit, that'll be a penalty. McLaren mechanics out too. Hmm.
Lap 16 - Barrichello has retired as well. Looks like a mechanical issue for the Honda though. Kubica has had to pit as well, and he'll be penalised too. That's probably his faint championship hopes done with.
An Open Letter - Dear FIA, These Safety Car rules are stupid. You're stupid. I hate you. K thx xx The Head.
Lap 18 - HOLY PIT LANE FARCE, BATMAN! Massa pits and takes the fuel hose with him! Absolute ruddy nightmare for the Brazilian! He's now just sitting at the end of the pit lane with the hose still plugged in, as the mechanics sprint to his aid. Oh my, the nozzle is stuck on the car, this is ludicrous. And finally, the mechanics manage to savage the hose off the car and Massa rejoins.
Lap 19 - That was slapstick comedy at it's very best from Ferrari. Massa rejoins dead last, but still on the lead lap. The MAD race order with all this pit stoppery: Rosberg (to be penalised), Trulli (who is one stopping), Fisichella (also maybe one stopping), Kubica (to be penalised), Alonso, Webber, Bourdais, Coulthard. This is utterly ridiculous. Hamilton 9th, Vettel 10th, The Ferraris are 17th and 18th.
Lap 20 - Safety car in - NICO LEADS! FOR A BIT! If he can wind out a 30 second lead in the next three laps, he could well win this. Hamilton up to 8th. In fact Bourdais just dropped from 7th to 17th. I missed that, sorry.
Lap 21 - Happy Birthday to The Foot btw. And it might be a very happy birthday for him. Webber is 6th, and could possibly be on for something good here. Rosberg's lead is 5.1 seconds. What a legend.
Lap 22 - Massa is under investigation, I think for unsafe release, just to compound his problems. Nico leads by 6.9 seconds. Still no word on penalties for him or Kubica. Hang on, there is now. Boo, and indeed, hoo. Meanwhile, in the pits, Louise Goodman gets shouted at by a Ferrari spokesman.
Lap 23 - There's still so much more of this race to go. Rosberg's lead is 8.5 seconds. Here we go, the penalties are coming in. Drive through for Massa. Way to kick a guy when he's down. He takes it immediately, and will be very much last when everything shakes itself out.
10 Second Stop/Gos for Rosberg and Kubica - I'm going for a brief, but intense, cry.
Lap 26 - Kubica makes his stop and go. Webber's been off at turn two! He's dropped a hatful of places. Dearie me. Piquet Jr is interviewed and says the car was "hard to drive". Yeah, Nelson, they're hard to drive. That's your job.
Lap 28 - Nico does his penalty. He's out just ahead of DC in 4th. Cracking pace from Nico while everyone else was stuck behind Trulli may have given him a chance of a good result. Trulli now leads, from Fisichella(!!), Alonso, Rosberg, Coulthard, Hamilton and Glock.
Lap 29 - Webber is retiring with a mechanical problem. The Foot is erring on the side of "unhappy". Fisi pits from 2nd for what could be his only stop, despite Brundo reckoning he'll be in again. Nico now 3rd!
Lap 30 - So, this is turning into a bizarre old race, once again thanks to the baffling new safety car rules. Trulli leads by 11.2 seconds from Alonso, then Rosberg and Coulthard. Hamilton still 5th, Massa is 15th. Ooh, no he's not, he's 16th as Kubica sneaks past him. Raikkonen is 12th. Brundo reckons Nico didn't stop for his stop and go.
Lap 31 - Oh, Massa pits. That's all a bit odd. He won't be in again, but points are looking a mere pipe dream this afternoon. The question is, how much hay can Hamilton make while the sun shines. A metaphorical sun, obviously.
Lap 33 - Jarno Trulli pits, and emerges in front of Shinji Nakano, according to James Allen. Did he hit 88mph in the pit lane? Alonso now leads, and is now racing that 11 second gap Trulli previously had over him for the race win.
Lap 34 - So, Alonso is 4.9 seconds ahead of Rosberg, DC in 3rd and Hamilton 4th. Then we have Glock, Vettel, Heidfeld and Trulli in the last of the points places. Kovy pits again, but he's been completely fudged by the SC, and is scrabbling about in about 27th place.
Lap 35 - The gap from Alonso to Trulli is already 27.3 seconds. Fernando has this in the bag, it seems. Hamilton is scrapping with DC for 3rd place, the McLaren man is 14.8 seconds behind the race leader as things stand.
Lap 36 - The latest Trulli train picks up Kimi Raikkonen. Also in this train is the Williams of Tora Takagi. Alonso now 7 seconds up the road, but he has a moment in turn two. The Elbow, Patty's resident Nando fanboy, is tragically missing this race.
Lap 37 - Trulli is passed by Ukyo Katayama. DC is munging any vague hope Hamilton had of an unlikely win today, the pair of them are now some 20 seconds behind the leader.
Lap 39 - Raikkonen nails Trulli through turn 6 and 7. I'm pleasantly surprised by how much passing we've actually had today. The other Toyota train driven by Timo Glock is developing into a nice fight for 5th, with Vettel and Heidfeld involved there.
Lap 40 - Rosberg pits from second. His last stop of the day. He emerges just behind the scrap for 5th place. "It's great, the not knowing," Allen says about the fact that all the strategies are mixed. Why break the habit of a lifetime, eh?
Lap 41 - Alonso pits! And rejoins still in the lead! He also slows DC enough to allow Hamilton a run into turn seven. Brave man, to stick one up the inside of 2008-vintage David Coulthard. Allen has a lob on.
Lap 42 - Hammy and DC pit, and DC has a case of the Massas! Going too soon, but he manages to get going without too much time. He drops behind Jarno Trulli. Alonso leads from Glock, Vettel and Heidfeld. "Go on, get Trulli!" DC's engineer shouts. Join an exclusive club of just about the whole field.
Lap 44 - Raikkonen is up into 4th place, but he must have to pit again. Massa still down in 15th place. A stinking mess of a weekend for Ferrari. Before the SC shenanigans, they looked set for a 1-2.
Lap 46 - Still 15 laps to go here. If we can get them in within the two hour limit. Glock pits from second place, promoting Rosberg up to 2nd, who has Raikkonen motoring up to the back of him. Nerves. I has them.
Lap 48 - Raikkonen is very much about to pass Rosberg. Surely he can't be fuelled to the end? He came in behind Green Light Massa on lap 18, so I'd imagine he must be getting pretty light now. Alonso is serenely leading, some 17.5 seconds clear of the Williams man. Hamilton still 4th, from Glock, Trulli, Vettel and Heidfeld.
Lap 50 - Raikkonen pits! I wasn't worried. Hamilton now up into 3rd, and will doubtless close up on the Williams now. Joy. Trulli has a problem and looks like he will retire. Good recovery by Raikkonen, and he rejoins in 5th(ish)
Lap 51 - CRASH! - Massa spins and recovers down at Webber's tunnel, but he's punctured the water barrier, and Sutil narfs his Force India right into the barrier. Safety car back out. This is going to be a mightily interesting last few laps. Trulli has indeed retired, and looks sweatier than a Piccadilly Line commuter during the summer morning rush as he takes his helmet off.
Lap 52 - Webber sounds upset, he reckons he'd have finished second behind Alonso. Nine laps to go. The two hour rule may well be needed if this carries on for much longer.
Lap 53 - Safety car in - We're racing again. Alonso drives off into the distance. Hamilton all over Rosberg in the fight for second. Nakas and DC having a bit of a scrap for 8th place. 8 laps (or 13 minutes) to go.
Lap 54 - Alonso is already 3.7 seconds in the lead. That's a race win then. Raikkonen is in 5th and scrapping with Glock, as Hamilton begins to close in again on Rosberg. Brundo reckons Hamilton can't afford to gamble on a pass. I agree.
Lap 55 - Alonso continues to motor clear, I continue to chew my nails as Rosberg remains a car length or so clear of Hamilton. Massa still down in 14th, but to his credit, he's beating Giancarlo Fisichella.
Lap 57 - "It's a bit like being a teenager again", Allen opines about the strange time schedule they've been living over there. "Yep, s'great" replies Brundle in disinterest, before going on to talk about something else. Four to go. I think we're going to get the full race distance.
KIMI IN THE WALL! - Another duff result for the reigning champion, as he clonks the high chicane all wrong and sails into the same bit of wall Fisichella found yesterday. Ferrari hand yet more of an advantage to Hamilton in the title scrap.
Lap 59 - Two to go, no safety car for Raikkonen's crashery. Alonso has eased off slightly, but he's cruising to the flag.
The Foot - "Add 25 seconds [to Alonso's time] for cutting the first corner and Nico wins."
I like this plan.
Lap 61 - Onto the final lap for Alonso. Glock is homing in a bit on Hamilton, but the action has pretty much subsided for the afternoon. CHECKERED FLAG! Where are you Mr Elbow? Alonso takes his first GP win in a year, and NICO ROSBERG FINISHES SECOND! LET THE DANCE OF SUCCESS BEGIN!
The rest of the order, as if it matters: Hamilton 3rd, then Glock, Vettel, Heidfeld, Coulthard and Hideki Noda.
Epilogue
15.10 BST - I've always said that Martin Brundle is stil a top class broadcaster who has in no way lost it in recent years. Apropos little, Brundo awards Nico Rosberg his always relevant Driver of the Day award.
15.12 BST - The trophies are handed out. Alonso is understandably delighted, as is Rosberg. "Nico! Nico!" chant the massed Williams mechanics.
15.15 BST - I could argue that without his stop and go, Nico could have won, but then if he hadn't pitted illegally, he'd have run out of fuel, or ended up way back in the pack. So I won't argue that. I could also talk about something more relevent, like the championship.
15.18 BST - Discussions again revolve around the Ferrari traffic light system, which has again caused problems a la Hungary. Though we've always had problems with the whole lollipop system in the past, so it is sort of a moot point. Championship-wise, Hamilton now leads Massa by 7 points, Kubica by 20 points and Raikkonen by 27 points. A two-way scrap then, officially. Blunders is talking through the various trials of Felipe Massa in the race. Or "events that occur" in Blunders-speak.
15.22 BST - "Unlucky in qualifying but very lucky in the race" is how Alonso explains the weekend. Nico, lovely lovely Nico, he talks about "quite a hairy moment" when he passed Trulli, "everything went our way for once" he beams. Aah. Hamilton, meanwhile, looks a bit downtrodden. Maybe Alonso's kicking him under the table. "Unfortunately I got stuck behind DC," he laments.
15.25 BST - So, in conclusion, night racing is absolutely brilliant. And the track was pretty good as well. Another safety car dominated race which helped and hindered drivers equally didn't make today a purists dream. But for some reason, I quite enjoyed it.
We're done with this then. I'm off to add some more pictures to my Nico shrine, and we'll be back with all the fun of the Japanese GP from Fuji in two weeks time. Cheerio.
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