Prologue
05.00 BST - G'Tag all, welcome to Patronises oft mistaken and rarely comical textualised take on the 2008 Japanese Grand Prix at Fuji. It's the Foot gracing your monitors today, though the Head is around, Relentless induced waking coma not withstanding. The Elbow has just entered the building as well, what a talented group we are.
It promises to be a somewhat interesting race if we get some strange circumstances, in the same sort of way that a lawn bowls tournament can be a real edge of the seat experience after a giant homicidal smiley face invades the green.
In F1s case, that'll be Kimi Raikkonen actually showing up for the full 67 laps today. Personally I think Mr Happy Face gutting half the pitlane before the first round of pitstops is a lot more likely.
The Head - "Martin Brundle is making such a hash of presenting the ITV coverage, with Steve Rider still busy debating the Lampard/Gerrard issue. I know he's an idiot, but Ted Kravitz at least did an OK job of fronting the BTCC coverage this year, so I've no idea why they didn't just give him the gig. Compared to Brundo, his script-reading during a soggy afternoon at Oulton Park was right up there with Laurence Olivier's narration of The World At War."
05.10 BST - Yesterday was somewhat interesting, Timo Glock looked quite nippy in his Toyota and Nick Heidfeld looked quite horrible in his BMW, being the loyal Patronise readers that you are I already know you tuned in yesterday so don't need a full run down. Obviously the big names are quite spread out, Hamilton on pole with Massa in 5th, Webber is 13th and Rosberg 15th, Pattys favourite sons lulling both of their teammates into a false sense of security.
The Elbow - "Patty's other favourite son, of course, is again outperforming his car and killing his teammate, after his dominant win last time out. Go on my son."
05.15 BST - Conditions are dry at Fuji at the moment, in stark contrast to last years copious amounts of moisture. Felipe Massa will be hoping things stay that way, as he's often a bit quick on the loud pedal when it rains.
The Head - "ITV are still pushing Rob Smedley's impact on Massa's title challenge, presumably covering their bases by working some British success into any potential Massa title. Incidentally, Massa says of Smedley: "He doesn't see me as a racing driver". So for Rob Smedley, read most of the viewing public."
05.20 BST - You may have noticed some horrible coloured stripes on the cars, as though they'd just run through a puddle of lime green puke. The idea behind it is to promote the environment or some such, and what better way to do it than a bunch of stripes that will wear down as the race goes on and the cars burn off a couple of Earths natural resources.
05.25 BST - 5 minutes until race start now, I'm so highly excited I can hardly type, so I won't.
The Head - "My prediction is more of a series of hopes. Massa to do enough to keep the title chase vaguely interesting, and Rosberg to keep in the wake of Nakas and pick his way through the inevitible accidents he causes."
The Elbow - "Kimi to properly earn his contract extension by pushing Hamilton off, Alonso to mount the podium again, and Honda to be bubbish."
I'm predicting an easy Hamilton win and a rubbish result for Webber. The limb I'm on out here is quite flimsy I assure you.
Race
Formation Lap - The grid is thinning out and the cars are firing up, yes they're tootling off now. Massa looks to be on the soft tyres, it's hard to tell with my stream, the tyres are made up of 2 pixels.
Lap 1 - The grid reforms, the lights come on, they go out and we're racing in Fuji! What a start by Kimi but he's forced off by Hamilton, both Ferraris are miles down. Ouch, big accident for DC there he's hit the wall hard at the exit of T1, Nakas was involved. Kubica leads from Alonso!
Heikki is 3rd, Trulli 4th, Massa 5th ahead of Hamilton and Raikkonen. Button is up to 11th, Nakajima has pitted, Williams go through another front wing.
Lap 2 - Hamilton attacks Massa, Massa doesn't give in and gives him a taste of his own medicine! Hamilton spins after the contact, the whole field goes through! Hamilton has some damage, a tyres down, he has to pit!
The Head - "WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF? WTF?"
Lap 3 - Massa was never going to give in then, Lewis really put himself in a really awkward position there and it didn't work out. Webber passed 3 cars on that last lap.
Lap 4 - Deep breaths here, this is a bit outrageous. Kubica, Alonso and Kovalainen are in great spots here, while Kimi is lurking at the back of this group. It's all going off down the back of the field, no word on DCs condition, but he seemed okay early on.
The Head - "Cliche Memo to Hamilton from Brazil 2007: You still can't win the race on the first lap."
Lap 6 - Things have calmed down a bit here, though Glock has pitted and they weren't ready for him, there goes his race. Replays show DC had a puncture on the exit of T1 that caused his shuntie, Nakas was just an innocent victim there. Sutil is in 10th woohoo!
Lap 7 - Kimi has passed Trulli to move into 4th, he wants this win. Massa is stuck behind Bourdais, he won't want to be doing anything silly here. Hamilton is still 17th, closing in on Rosberg at 2.5 seconds a lap.
Lap 9 - Oh no, Sut is out :( Tyre failure there, Webber up to 11th but getting stuck behind Heidfeld.
Lap 10 - Some interesting battles happening down the back but we're not really seeing a lot of it. Alonso is keeping Kubica very honest, the top 4 are only about 4 seconds apart though, this is really anyones race.
Lap 11 - A lot of rubbish on the main straight, looks like the blue prints to this years Honda. Speaking of which, Fisichella with half of his front nose missing goes past Button.
Lap 12 - Kimi, Massa and Hamilton are under investigation, most probably for the T1 antics. ITV think Massa should be imprisoned, it was touch and go, Jallen thinks Massa cut the corner, though he didn't really seem to have a choice.
Lap 13 - Webber is into the top 10, he must be light, he's lost a good 15 seconds to 9th placed man Vettel with all his issues though.
Lap 15 - Rosberg and Fisichella are having a ding dong battle, bit embarrassing for Williams really. The hole in Fisis car seems to be improving the handling somewhat. Nico eventually gets the Italian into T1.
Lap 16 - Here we go! Hamiltons got a drive through, probably not the right decision really but any chance of points for him are gone now. Oh and it's a great lap for McLaren, Heikkis blown up. Oh it's like 2004 all over again, Kimi will have a grim smile on his face. Well, probably not.
Lap 17 - Now Massa gets a drive through, theres a big field spread though, so he can still score. Kubica and Kimi pit for new tyres and some precious oil. Alonso now leads, how much fuel does he have?
Kimi comes out right in front of Webber, damn, no luck at all for the Aussie.
Lap 18 - Alonso pits, can he rejoin ahead of Kubica? Not sure, bad directing on TV here. Massa pits, he stays on the softs, he's still got to do his drive through for being a naughty boy. Alonso is ahead of Kubica, boy could he win back-to-back races here?
Lap 20 - Massa pits, both ITV boys now agree with that penalty, Brundles changed his tune 180 degrees. Hamilton gets lapped by Trulli!
Lap 22 - That was great, Trulli pits now from the lead. Ted thinks it's crazy that Hamilton would get penalised for forcing someone off the track. Bourdais is leading at the moment, take that Vettel!
Lap 24 - Vettel pits from 3rd, it's Bourdais and Piquet first and second. Didn't think I'd be typing that today. Webber up to 7th, Heidfeld is 9th, Massa is 13th and Hamilton is 14th, how humerous.
Lap 25 - Alonso is braining them, he's pulled out 5 seconds over Kubica already even though the BMW is 5 laps heavier. Two wins in a row here would be epic, go Fernando! Bourdais pits from the lead.
Lap 26 - Nico is back in the action, fighting with Barrichello, side by side with wheels locked, great stuff by both drivers. Boobens did the switch back there, using his (fore)head.
Lap 28 - Williams inform Nico that Boobens is slow, pretty sure the entire grid knows that already lads. Piquet is leading and is going really quick I should point out, if he doesn't spinny he could top 5 in this race, depends how long he can go! Oh, now he pits.
Lap 29 - Things have settled down, I can't see anyone beating Alonso here, Massa passes Button with some nice wiggles. DC was bumping with the whole pack into T1 he says, sounds fun.
Lap 30 - Ads at the moment, theres a dwarf on my screen. How humerous.
Lap 31 - I can see why Webber was so angry with himself yesterday, the car has pace. DC shouldn't have been as chuffed as he was with his 11th based on this showing.
Lap 33 - Half the race is gone, still two quarters of the race to go. Alonso asks who hes racing for the win, they respond that Kubicais, when the correct answer is actually no one.
Lap 35 - Webber pits, Hamilton passes Button. Ted has been at the Ferrari garage, I'm surprised he knows where it is to be honest.
Lap 36 - Allen mentions the Global Financial Crisis, take a swig.
Lap 37 - So, championship, Kubica is 2nd which could be 8 points for him, he'd be behind Hamilton just 12 points if it stays this way with 2 races to go. Massa is currently 12th and Hamilton is 13th, they won't be scoring at this rate. Alonso now 11 seconds ahead of Kubica, with Kimi a further 4.5 behind. Trulli is only 7 seconds back as well, he went reasonably long for his first stint too.
Lap 38 - It's pretty hot here I just noticed, I've taken my pants off. I've got ads again, Heidfeld lap times have fallen right off here, he must be perusing his new contract in the cockpit.
The Head - "Nico fuelled the longest, another genius strategy from Williams destined to shore up a barely-believable 10th place."
Lap 41 - Massa passes Webber, he's now up to 8th, but he has another stop to make very soon. Hamilton has pitted again, he's back down to 13th.
The Head - "Raikkonen seems to have gambled putting in his 10 laps worth of effort at the start this weekend. Not really paying off for him."
Lap 43 - Alonso pits going into lap 44, Hamilton passes Barrichello after a short battle. Can Kubica make up 15 seconds in 5 laps? Doubt it.
Lap 44 - "I'm trying, I'm trying!" Kubica tells his team, I always love it when they ask drivers to push. Kubicas tyres look rooted by the way, theres no grooves left. The tyres are basically completely bald.
Lap 45 - Here goes Kimi, fastest lap now, he's woken up, he wants 11 fastest laps this year!
Lap 46 - Kubica pits, he wasn't quick enough there I'm sure, he takes on the dreaded softies. How long can Kimi go? Can he give us a 'grandstand finish?'
Lap 47 - I think Kimi will need to go about another 4 or so laps to make things interesting, I really hope he has it, I'd love a fight between them.
Lap 48 - Dang, Kimi pits, he needed another couple of laps unfortunately. Kubica holds onto what will be 2nd, Rosberg held up Kimi just a touch on his inlap and thats all it took.
Lap 50 - Trulli and Bourdais pit, Piquet is going to jump Trulli here, going to be a tops result for Renault, 1st and 4th at this rate.
Lap 51 - Massa gets spun by Bourdais! Haha Brundle are blaming Massa instantly, those camera angles don't show it either way for me, I think the STR probably drifted out a little. Ooh and now Kimi is trying to get his nose inside Kubica, this should be fun. Who would've thought it'd be Bobby K and not Kimi who would have the title to think about.
Lap 52 - Kubica defends from the Ferrari, can he hold on for 20 minutes though? I doubt it. The Ferrari looks after the softs nicely while Kubicas can looks like, well, a Honda.
Hamilton Update! 12th, chortle.
Lap 54 - The battle continues! Kubica holds on, Kimi tried to go around the outside twice but ran wide, he's straight back onto the gearbox. Ideally these two will crash, then Massa can close up on Hamilton and Kimi can continue his comical lack of points in the back end of the season.
Lap 55 - Massa and Bourdais incident will be worked out by the stewards later on. Kubica and Kimi continue fighting. Piquet is flying and with these two fighting it out he's closing up at an immense rate.
Lap 57 - Two Ferraris all over two BMWs now, Massa is flying, he has the optimal tryes on and Heidfeld is going to get owned here, Webber too unfortunately...
Lap 58 - Piquet is right in the battle now, his tyres are slightly fresher and Kimi and Kube have worn theres out in the earlier battle.
The Head - "This has been a fairly good race, if this battle properly hots up, i'd even venture as far as to say decent."
Lap 60 - Hrm, the battle for 2nd has settled down. Massa has passed Heidfeld first go, I think Ickle needs to learn from Kubica a bit there. Massa is 8.1 behind Webber now and he's 2 seconds a lap faster, not good! Webbers front left looks horrible.
Lap 61 - This isn't good here, maybe Bourdais will get a penalty and Massa will explode and Webber will get 7th. *dreams* Jallen is talking rubbish again. RELEASE THE CHOP MARK!
The Elbow - "James as wrong as ever, if Hamilton finishes behind the Ferraris in the last two races (assuming Felipe wins) he'll lose 8 points to him, thereby losing the title. Cretin."
Lap 63 - Alonso is looking serene out front, 2 wins in a row, who would've thought really. Take that Toyota.
Lap 66 - This is painful, Mark put him into the pitlane but Massa squeezes past to take the point. Bad, bad, bad race. Allen is humerously searching for any reason to give Felipe a penalty.
Lap 67 - Orf, Hamilton nearly rams into the back of Alonso on the final lap, Fernando gets out of the way of him. But, it's all good for the two time world champion, he takes his second win in a row for Renault! GO FERNANDO!
Kubica is second, Raikkonen is third. Piquet takes big points for Renault in fourth while Trulli, Bourdais, Vettel and Massa take the final points paying positions.
Epilogue
The Head - "This championship is painful. We've got a complete shower going for the trophy and a two-time champ spending most of the season dossing about in a complete hash of a car."
The Elbow - "There was something in the air that night...."
Well, with Alonso taking all the plaudits of the crowd, the championship has closed up ever so slightly. Hamilton is 6 points ahead of Massa with Kubica another 6 behind, Ferrari are 6 ahead of McLaren with BMW just 7 points behind the team from Woking.
Well, I'm pooped, everytime I do the terry naturally we get a crazy bonkers race. Alonso looks content on the podium, Kubica is cheering and Kimi looks a little bewildered - been a while eh?
I hope you've enjoyed the race and the terry today on Patronise. We look forward to the championship contenders continuing to limp to the title next week in Shanghai, we'll be covering all the important stuff like Qually and the Race, I hope you can join us! Until then, cheerio.
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