Prologue
07.15 BST - Oh hai. It's oh so very early on Sunday at Patty HQ, but as the old proverb goes, the early bird (LBL terryer) catches the worm (Chinese Grand Prix), so let's get down to the nitty gritty. Or something approaching that. We've made an early start, partly because the ITV coverage is already off, partly because this could well be the climactic (their words, not mine) end to this years drivers championship and therefore almost deserves some proper buildup, and partly because if I don't do something proactive like write this garbage, there's a real chance I may fall asleep again and miss the race completely.
Early obvious ITV presenter joke - Steve Rider is back! Give him a big hand! Oh wait, he's got that one covered.
07.25 BST - Steve Rider wishes that all of Hamilton's season could have been as "perfect" as his pole lap here today. Erm, Steve, he ran wide at least twice. So ironically he's probably right. The ITV coverage thus far has basically been the case for the prosecution in the verdict of F. Massa vs The Crown. It's horrible. They are, between them, Rider, Blunders, Kravitz, Allen, et al, inadvertently sucking any sort of credulity out of a Hamilton title. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
The Elbow - "I love the way ITV have changed the Massa stat they kept bleating on about from "never won from anywhere except pole" to "never won from off the front row"."
07.30 BST - As you may have gathered, the tab at the top of this piece will keep you almost informed of the relative championship permutations throughout the afternoon. Suffice to say that Bobby Kubica is currently sipping bourbon at the last chance saloon, while Felipe Massa is stood outside, browsing the menu board and contemplating whether the entrees sound nice enough to stick around for, or if he should chance his arm looking for a branch of Zizzi's round the next corner. Lewis Hamilton, meanwhile, doesn't really fit comfortably into this tenuous analogy anywhere.
A long and largely meaningless riff for you to read while I go and eat some toast - Just something I feel should be pointed out. Patty may have been going a bit over the top with it's Alonso love just lately (though I'm sure The Elbow for one would disagree). All the moaning about how the title rivals seem completely unable to go 5 laps without wrecking something and how he's busy pulling miracles in an average (at best) Renault may strike some of you as unfair or irrelevent. But really our point is that on the form of this season's frontrunners, he really would have destroyed them in anything half-decent, so the fact that he spent much of this season tarting about fighting Toyotas for 7th place is more than a bit of a sham. Or alternatively, his presence may well have given Hamilton, Raikkonen et al a bit of a kick up the proverbial and improved their performances to match him (a la last year). Either way, we'd have got a far more palatable championship run in than this current mockery. Right now the dash for the finish line is less Michael Phelps and more Eric the Eel.
07.45 BST - Brundo's off on his gridwalk. He talks to Norbert Haug for a bit and then just waffles on about the track. Oy, Brundle, did you see the last race when Ted and Louise actually interviewed drivers on the grid? Are you aware this whole concept stopped being fun around three years ago?
The Foot - "Yes, Brundle just managed to describe the lowest part of the first corner complex as the 'high ground'."
07.50 BST - The analysis of Messers Blunders and Rider is as Hamilton-centric as ever, both believing that Hamilton will walk to victory here with such glorious insouciance, that you wonder if they honestly think that instead of Fernando Alonso, Felipe Massa and Kimi Raikkonen lining up behind and around him, he's actually got Taki Inoue, Nicolas Kiesa and Kimi Raikkonen. Incidentally, to display my complete lack of contemporary celeb knowledge, I offically can't pick out the member of the Pussycat Dolls that Hamilton is currently, erm, scrubbing in his hard tyres on. Can you? This is a blatant effort to get you to watch 3 minutes and 45 seconds of prancy pop rather than hope for some sort of coherent update from me, by the way. Enjoy falling for it.
07.55 BST - If anyone out there fancies describing a lap or two themselves, by the way, get on to
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. It'll save me all sorts of typing. We're handing over to Allen on ITV. He's in a "smoggy" Shanghai, and the ridiculously segues into saying that "a nation holds it's breath". China or the UK there, James?
08.00 BST - OK, formation lap off and running. Weather-wise, apparently there is some rain somewhere on the circuit. This could be messy. Kimi on softs, Hammy on hards.
Race
Lap 1 - Hamilton leads away, no issues this time with Kimi. Kovy leaps up to fourth, nearly takes third in turn one, but Alonso tries to get past later on in the lap, and suceeds into the hairpin at the end of the long straight. An incident at T1 does it for Trulli and Bourdais.
Lap 2 - Trulli pits for a bit of a check up. Looks like he just turned into the French Toro Rosso man into the first turn. Kubica up to 8th in all of the everything. Needs to be at least 6th to keep himself in the title hunt, does the Pole.
Lap 3 - Trulli retires with damage. Hamilton purples in a fastest lap. He leads by 2.5 seconds from Kimi. Massa 3rd, then Alonso, Kovy, Ickle, Vettel and Kubby. Webber having a decent scrap with Barrichello for 10th place. Webbo made a stonker of a start.
Lap 5 - Hammy locks a wheel into the hairpin, but that's another fastest lap for the Brit. He's in command at the moment, 3.1 seconds ahead of Kimi. But what does his fuel situation look like? A few laps into a title decider (maybe)? Time for a break, ITV.
Lap 6 - Webber has got past Barrichello. How? I don't know, but what I do want is to open a Nationwide bank account. Who says advertising doesn't work?
Lap 8 - The lead is out to 3.6 seconds. Massa some 7.3 seconds behind the race leader. Trulli on Bourdais: "This guy needs to cool down a little bit and decide what he wants to do". What he probably wanted to do into T1 was just not have a Toyota drive into him, to be fair. Webbo and Half Nelson have a ding dong in the final sector, the Aussie finally getting the Brazilian into the final corner.
Lap 10 - Kimi's car has reported for duty. He closes the gap a bit, but Hammy replies with a quick first sector. Massa being dropped like a winger with a bad knee at the moment. Kubica still in 8th, with Webber now on his tail. The Aussie is likely light, the Pole is likely heavy.
Lap 12 - Nico slips past Glock to take 12th place. Mark Webber pits. His hopes of points today now rest on this middle stint. Hamilton slides a bit, but increrases his lead.
Lap 14 - Hamilton has the race within his grasp at least. Massa is the lightest of the top three. That is a massive moment in this race. The Brazilian drops behind Kubica into 8th.
Lap 15 - Sutil has a spinny, he looks to be out. Kimi and Hammy pit as one, and rejoin as one.
Lap 16 - Sutil didn't spin, just an engine failure, it seems. Rosberg pits, he's not scoring points today. Oh.My. God. Ted can't remember Raikkonen's name. FFS. "Not Kovalainen, the other one," he says in a Brentian moment of clarity. Kovy leads right now, from Heidfeld, Hammy, Vettel and Kimi.
Lap 19 - Kovalainen pits, as does Vettel. Hamilton inheits the lead and is now 6.7 seconds ahead. Hammy, Kimi, Kubby (not pitted), Massa, Piquet (not pitted), Alonso, Kovy, Heidfeld the top 8. Webber Fans (The Foot): He's 15th. Nico fans: Remember Singapore? That was ace.
Lap 22 - Kubica pitting soon, we assume. Oh, Ted's in the McLaren garage. What a shock. Button pits from nowhere and rejoins less than nowhere.
Lap 24 - Piquet has pitted and emerged just ahead of Webber in 12th. 7.1 seconds is the gap at the front. Kube pits from 3rd, and he rejoins behind the yet-to-pit DC in 9th. This is a rubbish race.
Lap 26 - The front few continue to lap serenely. Raikkonen just starting to think about maybe waking up and reel Hamilton in, the gap down to 6.4 seconds. Hammy, Kimi, Massa, Alonso, Kovy, Ickle, Glock and DC the top 8, those last two are yet to pit, but may be one-stopping thier way into contention for some points.
Lap 29 - Kubica didn't change tyres during his stop. The title outsider is 8th right now, and is eased of some of the pressure behind as DC pits from 11th.
Lap 31 - Fisi lobs his car in Raikkonen's way, and the Fezza loses a bunch of time passing the slow Force India. 7.8 seconds now the lead. Webber still 12th. Rosberg 16th. This is dire.
Lap 35 - Kovalainen's run of awful luck continues. A puncture for the Finn and he's into the pits for another tyre change. That's going to drop him way back. He must have run over a whole box of black cats during pre-season testing, and followed it up by going postal with a mallet in a mirror shop.
Lap 40 - Fisi has now been lapped. Hamilton's lead is extending yet further. This race is not all-but a nothing. Button pits again. I keep spotting that. Is that worth it? There was certainly not a massive technical issue with Patty there.
Hamilton, Raikkonen, Massa, Alonso, Heidfeld, Kubica, Glock, Piquet Jr the top 8.
Lap 43 - So, championship-wise? Hamilton would lead Massa by 9 points as things stand, but you have to assume Kimi will ease off the 2.4 second gap twixt him and Massa and allow him through. Kubica, meanwhile, is out of everything, bar a Hamilton retirement. Allen says something about "little balls", which makes me giggle.
Lap 45 - 14 seconds now the lead. Even Allen is describing this race as "undramatic". It. Has. Been. Horrible. The only thing left to do is get Kimi and Massa to swap places in order to give Hamilton fanboys something to mean about.
Lap 49 - Massa has had enough of the gentle paddling on his bottom, and says the secret word. Kimi puts the paddle back it it's drawer and resigns himself to third place. A lovely team move. BEFORE ANY HAMILTON FANS MOAN: REMEMBER HOCKENHEIM.
Not all good news for McLaren. Kovalainen finally gives up and retires, joining our early retirees Sutil and Trulli on the sidelines. According to Ted, it's the brakes. So it's probably the engine.
Lap 52 - Raikkonen has given up and is slowly being caught by Alonso. I don't exaggerrate when I say that this is probably the worst race of the year so far.
Lap 56 - CHECKERED FLAG - So Hamilton takes his first win since the German Grand Prix back in August. And Massa keeps the championship just about alive with second place. Kimi takes a subservient third place, from Alonso, Heidfeld, Kubica, Glock and Piquet.
Epilogue
09:40 BST - So Hamilton gets up onto the podium, takes the applause, and the rest of us are just glad the race is over. The championship will be decided at the last round, and it will go to either Hamilton or Massa.
09.45 BST - Hamilton then, needs to finish 5th or higher in the final round to be assured of the title, not matter what Massa does. That final round is in Brazil in two weeks time, and Patronise will be there for it. See you for that.
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