Extended Prologue
16.00 GMT - Afternoon. Some things are just perfectly timed, aren't they? 3pm on Saturday is the perfect time for a game of football, 11am on a Sunday morning is the perfect time for a head-steadying plate of fried pork-based products and egg, when hell freezes over seems to be the generally accepted perfect date for the next Williams race win. And tea time on a Sunday is the perfect time for a season-ending, title-deciding, adjective-hogging Grand Prix. If it isn't tea time where you are, then this is of course a completely meaningless opening riff, for which I apologise unreservedly.
Important weather info gathered from a holding shot of the pit straight on the broken ITV feed - The track is DRY. But there are plenty of dark clouds in the air. And The Elbow has just reported a crackle of thunder over the circuit.
16.15 GMT - I tell you what would have been a ridiculous state of affairs. If I'd started this specially extended prologue to the race without any TV coverage of the pre-race show. Thankfully, that situation only lasted 15 minutes, and we return to the ITV feed to see: A LEWIS HAMILTON INTERVIEW! ZOMG!
16.20 GMT - So then, the title fight. The rumbles over the night were that Felipe Massa is three-stopping, a strategy he will presumably share with Jarno Trulli, because it is the only way to scientifically explain a Toyota on the front row. Meanwhile on ITV, Ted Kravitz is stoking up the anger of the drunk Brazilian fans in the crowd by waving a Union Jack in their faces. Classy stuff.
16.25 GMT - While Massa may be running light, Hamilton and Kovalainen both seem to have opted for a more conservative strategy, which explains the way their pace tailed off in the final part of qualifying yesterday. ITV are now re-running their My Chemical Romance feature. MY EYES, MY EYES, MY EYES. If you're not watching ITV, you can't escape that easily.
The Elbow - "I have to confess to quite liking that whole video now...except the bits where James Allen starts being a retard."
16.35 GMT - By the by, for the second year in a row, I'm receiving an absolute rollocking from certain quarters for not throwing my lot into the jingoistic support-the-Brit campaign. Just so any Hamilton fans reading this know, in the last 24 hours, my support has helped my football team to lose their unbeaten record, my cricket team to get humiliated in the Caribbean and my rugby team to be pasted by a bunch of Aussies. So I'm doing your boy no end of favours by remaining stoically neutral. I'm a walking albatross around the neck. In fact, a few quid into my Paypal account, and I might be persuaded to cheer for Massa.
Important weather info stolen from a rival text commentary - There is a 50% chance of rain during the race.
16.45 GMT - Brundo is off on his final gridwalk for ITV. Brilliantly, Hamilton is refusing to talk to anyone and Massa's popped to the Portaloos. So he's talking to a random McLaren mechanic instead. Who says "I'm pretty calm, relaxed" while shaking like a broken washing machine. Ron also gets some questioning, "follow instructions" are his instructions to Hamilton. Bernie's in top form, telling Brundo that it gets more difficult every year to orchestrate last race showdowns. Chortle.
16.50 GMT - Ten minutes to go. Ted can't help sticking his oar in to the "Alonso taking Hamilton out" debate. Alan Permane tells him in no uncertain terms to stop being so ruddy stupid. Just to clarify the title situation, as if it needs clarifying, Massa needs to finish first or second and have Hamilton finish lower than fifth to take the title. Any other outcome sees Hamilton win.
16.55 GMT - Plenty of sideshows around the main title scrap of course. What can Jarno Trulli manage? Can DC put in a sterling drive in his final race? What will the Toro Rossos manage? Can Kubica mount a recovery drive from 13th? We're very close to finding out the answer to a number of those questions. I can't help it, I'm quite excited.
Massive weather info situation what is developing on the track there - IT IS RAINING!
START DELAYED BY TEN MINUTES - This is an absolute ruddy shambles. The rain is really hefting it down and the start is delayed while the teams change tyres, seems like everyone has been caught with their proverbial trousers down here.
The weather can't sort itself out - The rain has now stopped, and the track is drying. This is dead reckoning now. Looks like the safety car may be used to start the race, the big silver Merc has been hauled to the front of the grid. I say again: this is a shambles.
17.03 GMT - No rain for 30 minutes, according to the intrepid Ted. The track is still damp. Looks like the wettest conditions are around the first sector. "Like driving on oiled ice" is how Brundle describes slicks on this surface. Inters are the only option right now, but we've got 7 minutes of sunshine before the start.
17.06 GMT - The Elbow informs me that Williams went for a wet setup in qualifying, according to Five Live bod David Croft. This officially makes no sense, seeing as non-top ten cars could change their setups anyway. More brilliant work from Williams then.
17.08 GMT - So, officially, part of the track is wet and part of the track is bone dry. Still surely inters are the right option, but the rate the track is drying, probably not for long. A "change of climactic conditions" has been announced, so all the teams can make mini changes to their cars setup. Safety car not being used now, by the way. Formation lap underway, everyone looks to be on inters. Except Kubica, who is on slicks.
So, hold onto your hats, and if you don't have a hat on, put one on and then hold onto it with dear life. This could be very messy indeed.
Kubica has pitted. Epic fail for the former championship contender.
Race
Lap 1 - Very tardy start from everyone. Hamilton manages to get fourth through the first turn, and then Heikki gets passed by Vettel and Alonso. DC's final race in F1 lasts a whole 400m, he gets caught up with Piquet and Nakajima into T1. Safety car out.
Race order is: Massa, Trulli, Raikkonen, Hamilton, Vettel, Alonso, Kovalainen, Bourdais.
Lap 2 - So, Piquet and DC are both out, but in seperate incidents apparently. Button tapped DC, according to The Elbow. Meanwhile, Hamilton can be pleased with his start, but Heikki should really have held station behind him, and he didn't, meaning that Kimi can now back the McLaren up into the chasing pack. For all intents and purposes, Raikkonen can be re-christened "Roadblock" for the forseeable future. Which would be cool and sort of make him sound like a Transformer.
Lap 3 - Rosberg is the man who is actually getting blamed for tapping DC off, the Scot then rotated and collected Nakas. Heidfeld has dropped to 12th, Fisi has pitted, Nakas, despite getting clobbered by a Red Bull, has not. Safety car in.
Lap 4 - Racing again then, Heikki does something good by passing Alonso into T1, but then he runs too deep and cedes the place back. Massa doesn't like wet conditions much, but he holds a 0.9 second lead at the end of the lap. Fisi pitted for slicks, and is slow. Slower than usual.
Lap 6 - Massa is certainly buckling his swashes here, he pounds in a 1:18.859 to extend his lead out to 1.8 seconds. DC is contrite in the pits, talking to Louise for one last time. If he had made the finish, he'd have done some donuts. Everybody loses. Kimi all over Trulli like a bad suit.
Lap 8 - Rosberg and Button pit and switch to dry tyres. Fisi is still off the pace at the back of the pack on his dry tyres, so it may still be a lap or two too soon, but I guess that pair don't really have much to lose. Bourdais and Glock in too.
Lap 9 - Button jumped Nico in the stops by, erm, speeding past him in the pit lane. Looked like Nico was sluggish to get off the speed limiter. Alonso and Vettel also pit! Fisi's pace has improved. I think we're hitting the slick (well, grooved) window.
Lap 11 - Just to add to the complete amateur air of this afternoon, Honda are contending with an exploded fire extinguisher in their pit garage. It looks like an Ibiza foam party down there, albeit with more flame-retardant overalls. Kovalainen pits for McLaren, AS DOES MASSA! Hamilton still out there, Trulli takes the lead.
Lap 12 - Trulli, Kimi and Hamilton pit. Kimi jumps the Toyota! Lewis is right on Jarno's tail as they leave the pits. Massa, Vettel, Alonso, Fisi, Raikkonen, Trulli, Hamilton, Glock is the order. A nightmare for Hamilton! The early slick stoppers have got the absolute jump on him!
Lap 13 - OMG! Hamilton bangs one down the inside of Trulli, and then the Italian gets an all-out tankslapper on behind the McLaren, dropping behind Glock and Bourdais. This is high drama now and no mistake. Hamilton now 6th, with the Force India of Fisichella of all people standing between him and that 5th place he needs.
Lap 14 - Kovalainen has completely lost out in all the pitting drama. The Finn runs 12th, harrying the Red Bull of Webber. To clarify, Hamilton is RACING A FORCE INDIA for the point he needs for the title.
Lap 15 - Massa still leads by just under a second from Vettel, with Alonso a further second behind. Not sure where Kimi's pace has gone, but he's almost ten seconds behind his team mate. Hamilton getting frustrated by Fisichella now, and Glock is beginning to catch him. He can't get a run at either turn one or turn three right now.
Lap 17 - Hamilton has another go, dipping into the wet line down the start/finish straight....and makes it stick into T1! He's now where he needs to be to win the title, and I tell you what, Massa is by no means comfortable in the lead. Still a mere two seconds cover Massa, Vettel and Alonso.
Lap 19 - Fisi gets passed by Glock as well, and has Bourdais all over him. Looks like he's set to slide out the points, which would be a shame. Fisi likes this track, of course, having won (eventually) the chaotic 2003 race for Jordan. And as I type, Bourdais has a go round the outside, and fails. Vettel is currently faster than Massa.
Lap 20 - Excuse me, Jarno Trulli. While Bourdais looks at the Findia, the Toyota behind him barrels one up the inside into T1 and just nudges the Toro Rosso off the road. Jarno may find himself penalised there.
Lap 21 - Tell you what, all that pre-race chat about other drivers not making it easy for Hamilton, they had the wrong title contender in mind for that particular moan. Massa is being harried left right and centre by the Toro Rosso and Renault behind him. Can he withstand the pressure?
The Elbow - "Haha what a great move from Trulli, third time they've crashed in the last few races."
Lap 24 - Hamilton ain't comfortable either. He's being caught by Timo Glock's Toyota. No more rain for the rest of the race apparently. Massa responds to the pressure behind him with a new fastest lap. Kovalainen is on a cracking recovery drive, up to 8th now having passed Trulli.
Lap 27 - Vettel pits from second. That's messed his race up somewhat. Alonso inherits second place, but is now 4.1 seconds behind Massa. That's helped the Ferrari man an awful lot. Kovy now nails Fisichella for 7th. Can the Finn catch and pass Glock? Vettel's pit elevates Hamilton to 4th.
The Elbow - "Vettel's stop for dries only took 5.2 seconds so they obviously didn't put much in."
Lap 29 - Hamilton is gapping Glock a bit, oops, but he's locked up into T1 and slightly flatspotted his front left tyre. Robert Kubica's miserable end to the season continues. He's 17th after his whole tyre faff earlier.
Lap 32 - Glock sets the fastest lap of the race so far to get to within 1.6 seconds of Hamilton. Crikey. The gap at the front is pretty stable at around 4.2 seconds. The order is Massa, Alonso, Raikkonen, Hamilton, Glock, Vettel, Kovalainen, Fisichella, Trulli, Heidfeld.
Lap 34 - Forget all I said about the gap at the front normalising. Massa absolutely monsters a 1:13.755 to extend the gap out to five seconds. Hamilton is currently 5 seconds behind Raikkonen, and 1.5 seconds ahead of Glock. Vettel is the joker in the pack here, he's recovering after a botched pit strategy, and is 9.6 seconds behind Hamilton.
Lap 37 - Big moment in the championship here, Timo Glock pits. That's a weird sentance to write. He has a long stop, and James Allen reckons that is good to the end of the race. But the German emerges behind Rosberg's redundant Williams, that could cost him.
Lap 38 - Massa is absolutely honking in the lap times, and that's why. He pits, and is stationary for 9.1 seconds. Allen reckons Massa will pit again, but I reckon that's fine. He emerges in fourth place behind Hamilton. Fisi pits as well. Alonso inherits the lead.
Lap 39 - Alonso pits! As does Hamilton, Alonso away after 9.1 seconds, Hamilton 8.9 seconds. Again, Allen reckons they'll be in again, and The Elbow replies with "THEY HAVEN'T GOT TO FRICKING PIT AGAIN". Let's see who is right, shall we? Hamilton out ahead of Trulli in 6th, and way clear of Glock.
Lap 42 - Nico pits, but pfft. His race is run. Kovalainen pits as well. Kimi currently leads by 13 seconds from Massa. Vettel up to third, but he DOES have to pit again. Now Heikki DID seem to be fuelled light.
Lap 43 - And now Kimi pits, so everyone but Vettel should be done with all that stopping for the year. Massa takes the lead, ahead of Vettel, Alonso, Raikkonen, Hamilton and Mark Webber, who is creeping up the order with a long middle stint.
Lap 44 - And Allen blinks first in his scrap with The Elbow! He admits that everyone bar Vettel probably doesn't have to pit. What drama. Massa is 4.2 seconds clear of Vettel and 6.6 seconds ahead of Alonso. The win seems to be in the bag then, but Hamilton looks comfortable in 5th. Why Kimi isn't backing him up into Webber, I have no idea.
Lap 46 - Webbo still going in 6th. I assume his strategy is mirrorring Vettel's, though I'll be honest, without The Foot here, I haven't really been following his race. Button passed Barrichello a while back, for a staggering 11th place. Hamilton is now closing in on Raikkonen, or Raikkonen is backing himself up into Hamilton. One or the other.
Lap 48 - Vettel is pounding in some quick laps. He's not racing Massa for the win, but maybe scrapping with the likes of Kovalainen and Glock for 5th or 6th. Webber pits, he might just hang on to some pointies here, which would be lovely.
Lap 49 - Webber emerges in......9th. But only 2.7 seconds behind Trulli's Toyota. Vettel now has the lead right down to 1.5 seconds now. There but for a rubbish strategy goes the race win.
Lap 50 - Hamilton's pace has dropped off here. Vettel pits and he might just pip Hamilton here, or actually not. I'm talking rubbish. Massa leads from Alonso, Raikkonen, Hamilton, Vettel, Kovalainen, Glock, Trulli, Webber and Heidfeld.
Lap 52 - Right then, 19 laps to go. The only remaining issues for Hamilton are Vettel (2.9 seconds behind him), although if he becomes an issue, he can just let him through, and his own car. Hamilton's pace has vanished, and the lapped Kubica is still shadowing his every move. Hmm.
Lap 55 - Vettel now just a second behind. Still some whispers about fuel loads. No issues for Massa, he's plonking in fast laps and is now 11.1 seconds up the road. Also, whispers of more rain in 10 minutes. Oh my goodness.
Lap 58 - Massive black clouds now in attendance. This could get absolutely chaotic. Hamilton now matching Vettel's pace. Webber has dropped well off Trulli in the fight for 9th. Sorry, Australia.
Lap 60 - 11 Laps to go. If the rain comes, all bets are off. It could theoretically screw either or both of the title contenders. Massa is 25.8 seconds clear of Hamilton, but he still needs the win at the moment. Second would be no good.
Lap 62 - In amongst all the title squabbling, Raikkonen has monstered up to the back of Alonso. Vettel still just 0.8 seconds behind Hamilton. Doesn't matter who you're supporting right now, even if you're supporting the Williams bloke in 12th. This. Is. Tense.
Lap 63 - It is raining, we believe. Certainly spitting. Vettel is now monstering the back of Hamilton. The good news for the McLaren man is the next man after Vettel is Kovalainen, some 18 seconds behind.
The Elbow - "Oh my, this is exciting."
Lap 64 - It really, really is. Definite slickness now. And we have a pitter! Heidfeld in from 10th. We're reaching zero hour here.
Lap 65 - OMG OMG. Vettel is ALL OVER Hamilton! Webber, Kovy, Bazza, Rosberg, and loads of others pit! FERRARI READY IN THE PITS! RAIKKONEN PITS!
Lap 66 - HAMILTON PITS! AS DOES VETTEL! This is absolutely incredible, Massa has carried on! Just about everyone else has pitted. Where is Hamilton?
Lap 67 - NOW MASSA PITS! He rejoins in the lead (I THINK!!) Hamilton is showing 5th! 1.2 seconds ahead of Vettel! ABSOLUTE MADNESS!!!!
Lap 68 - Just the most incredible race ever. 3 laps to go. Hamilton is 5th, and needs to keep Vettel behind him to win the title. The rain is still light, and the non-pitting Glock remains on the pace in 4th on slicks.
Lap 69 - Kubica getting in the mix, unlapping himself! OH MY GOD, HAMILTON RUNS WIDE AT THE FINAL CORNER, AND VETTEL IS THROUGH!
Lap 70 - This is utterly, utterly unbelievable. Hamilton needs to pass Vettel to win the title. We have one lap to go, I don't think he's going to do it. Hang on though, Glock is slowing on the slicks. This is literally the most incredible thing ever ever ever.
Lap 71 - MASSA TAKES THE CHECKERED FLAG TO WIN THE BRAZILIAN GRAND PRIX, WHAT CAN HAMILTON DO? OH MY GOD!!!!! GLOCK SLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAMILTON BACK UP TO 5TH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S GOING TO WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bloody hell. Seriously, Bloody, bloody hell.
Bloody hell.
The Elbow - "That was just unbefrickinglievable!"
That is such a sucker punch for Massa. He crossed the finish line the world champion, but a few corners behind, Glock's slicks had gone and Hamilton barrelled through to rescue the title he looked to have thrown away just two laps previously.
Bloody hell.
Epilogue
18.50 GMT - To add to the scenes, a Honda is on fire in parc ferme. The Brazilian fans are booing a fair bit. Massa is in tears, but Hamilton doesn't care. He's won the most incredible F1 championship in the history of ever.
18.55 GMT - Massa salutes the fans on the podium. He's treating this with some dignity. The poor guy. Finishing order by the way, Massa, Alonso, Raikkonen, Vettel, Hamilton, Glock, Kovalainen, Trulli. Ferrari can console themselves with the constructors title. Though that won't be much consolation.
19.00 GMT - Just the most bizarre podium ever, given that the world champ is nowhere to be seen. Brundo gives driver of the day to Massa, and the driver of the year to Adrian Sutil. Only joking.
Ted corners Hamilton, but he looks like he's about to faint, and is hurried off to get some water. James Allen signs off his last ever commentary with a simple "goodbye". Farewell, James. The podium is under some Singapore-esque lights because of the extent of the rain shower now.
19.05 GMT - Massa gives praise to the team in the press conference. We're not watching it on ITV, because they're busy saying "well if Massa had won then we'd have just blamed the stewards". Utterly reprehensible broadcasting.
The Elbow, sarcasm master - "A bizarre end to a completely bizarre season. Massa did exactly what we thought he would, but Ron obviously had a little word with Mr Yamashima and got Timo to step aside and give him the point he needed."
19.10 BST - We now get the PC. I just want to run over to Brazil and give Massa a hug. I really can't imagine how shattering that last lap must have been for him. "That's racing," he says about the whole calamity.
Hamilton finally gets interviewed. "It's been such a long journey" he platitudes about his season. We get a replay of Massa's dad right at the end. Good crikey that's some horrible TV. He celebrates like crazy for 10 seconds before someone tells him of Lewis passing Glock. Awful moment. Meanwhile, in the Hamilton interview, his dad takes over answering the questions.
19.15 GMT - Blunders asks if Ron Dennis has any more young drivers "back at division". Does he actually think he's a cockney policeman? The rain, by the way, is threatening to wash the entire ITV crew away. One final thought from Blunders, and it is typically moronic.
And there we go, ITV says goodbye. No more Rider, no more Blunders, no more Kravitz. It's almost sad. Not that sad, mind you.
The Elbow - "Can I just say that it has been a pleasure to be part of Patty's terries this season and I'll (hopefully) be back next year."
19.20 GMT - You certainly can. And yes, it has been a lot of fun to type vague nonsense along to the racing this season, and I hope you've enjoyed reading them. Patty will be back next year for more frolics in 2009, and we'll have lots of season reviewing, winter testing reporting and car launching to do in the meantime.
But for this season, I'll bid you good night. Just about the most incredible end to a title fight I can remember. Congrats to Mr Hamilton, commiserations to Mr Massa, now lets get Kubica, Alonso and Raikkonen in the mix in 2009, and we'll have another classic on our hands.
Final thoughts - Bloody hell.
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