Prologue - Good morning. If ever you needed an indication of quite how much F1's four week summer break has driven me to the brink of despair and back due to the lack of car action to watch, then take a look at the following sentence: I'm looking forward to this FP3 session at Valencia. Yes, it really has got that desperate, folks.I didn't even get to watch the opening practice sessions yesterday for various "real world" reasons. Thankfully, The Elbow was here to watch them, so if you missed them too, go here and here to catch up on all the action. But hurry back, this thrilling hour is just 25 minutes away! And you won't want to miss a thing!
09.40 BST - An appeal: I'm currently in the middle of writing an article (by which I mean I have 500 words in Notepad stored on my hard drive) for this site on six great commentary moments in F1, and really really want to include at least one James Allen moment, lest it all gets a bit over-Walkered. But I can't be bothered am struggling to find evidence of any real moments of brilliance from him. He must have said something good? Surely? E-mail me and inform me if you can remember a classic James Allen moment. If I use it in the article, you'll get literally all the credit.
09.45 BST - Alternatively, if you're at a loose end, why not pick out your favourite entry in newbie driver Romain Grosjean's almost willfully rubbish official biography. I particularly like his personal motto of "Forget you don’t have a chance and GO!". He'll be needing that sort of attitude a lot playing second fiddle to Fernando "Mr Renault" Alonso. Also, under strengths, he's put honesty, while under weaknesses, he's put eczema being pessimistic.
09.50 BST - Anyway, what to expect from today? Well the biggest news from yesterday's action was that Brawn GP seem to be back on the pace after three race weekends spent toddling about scraping the odd point. Which is fabulous news for them, but terrible news for anyone hoping for a close championship scrap. It's possible they were doing some sort of reverse-sandbag yesterday though, I guess we'll find out the truth in qualifying later.
As an aside - There was excitement throughout Patty HQ yesterday, when we recieved a notification e-mail that stated that "Charlie Whiting is now following you on Twitter!". That excitement lasted for around 3.7 seconds before it dawned that it wasn't the real Mr Whiting, merely the latest in an increasingly desperate effort to create a fake Twitter account for literally everyone even vaguely connected with Formula One. Whither FakeRicardoRosset? Whither FakeNicolasKiesa? Whither FakeFerrariTeaLady?
09.55 BST - Are we ready? Are we ready? Are we ready for the FP3 Shuffle?
0 mins - The BBC lady pit reporter person just droned on for what felt like seven hours about the precise state of play in the McLaren garage vis a vis the spec of car they're using. The upshot is (I think) Hamilton knackered the only new front wing yesterday, so both drivers are using the old model, and Hamilton has the new short wheebase MP4-24. So should Kovalainen struggle this weekend, he has a Piquet Jr-esque excuse all nicely lined up.
5 mins - Everyone save Barrichello toddles out for an installation lap. Alonso waves at the thirteen fans in the stands for this session as he dawdles around. Important question: Is it Luca Ba-dower, or Luca Ba-doh-er?
7 mins - Here's Boobens, going very slowly indeed on his installation lap. The car sounds a little bit sick, but I assume that's just because he's putting in around 0.000003% of his usual effort in to this lap. Anthony Davidson reckons that Honda pulled out of F1 "a couple of months ago".
9 mins - David Croft says "Robert Kubica is a really talented driver. Is that the sort of guy Williams should be looking at?" What is he trying to imply there???
12 mins - Red Bull's Christian Horner reckons his cars are well-placed for this weekend, despite not looking overly brilliant yesterday. Is anyone else still struggling to accept that Jenson Button is leading the title race by 18.5 points? On track, meanwhile, nothing is happening. And nobody is reading this. This is depressing.
14 mins - Here we go! Super Super Luca Badoer, Jamie Alguersuari and Lewis Hamilton hit the track to set a lap time. So two nervous, almost rookie-ish drivers who really need to learn this track, and Luca Badoer. Arf.
16 mins - The track itself isn't looking as bad as I remember last year. They've painted parts of it and have now got a super-cool camera shot tracking down the straight that runs along the harbour. Just don't look at the stands. Hamilton goes top with a 1:42.103, from Algie and Badoer, who does a 1:43.939. He's just warming up for a proper effort. Out come Kubica, Buemi, Nakas, Webber and Raikkonen.
E-mail - "Classic James Allen commentary moments, you say. What about the classic "JENSON BUTTON WIIIIINS! GETTIN THERE!"?" asks Adam Scott (and approximately 60,000 2 others). No, just no.
20 mins - Plenty of times on the board now. Hamilton remains top on a 1:40.656, with Raikkonen second and DYNAMITE Sutil in 3rd. Badoer is a spectacular 11th (out of 12). Take that, Kazuki Nakajima!
22 mins - Badoer slaps down Rob Smedley. "Don't talk to me in that corner please, Rob" he grouches on the radio, as if the reason he's being so rubbish is because a dowdy northerner is whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Some people pay good money for that, Luca.
24 mins - Alonso has a big lockup in the final turn, probably distracted after spotting a spectator area with more than three people in it. Vettel, meanwhile, is larking about in a run-off having completely mucked up his first run. Romain Grosjean(!) goes second!!! He's so wacky!
26 mins - Vettel has another moment on his next lap, and he is stuck down in 13th, with Webber in 15th. Hmm. Grosjean has a wacky moment when he locks up his rears and slides off at turn *mumble*, as Button pops up in second to make it a British 1-2. Oh, and then Kubica spoils it by going P1. Bloody Poles! Coming over here, taking our fastest times in FP3!!!
30 mins - Dynamite Sutil goes P1! AND VETTEL HAS A PROBLEM! He's touring around and grinds to a halt! Looks like an engine problem for the German. Nightmare stuff! The session has been red flagged because he's stopped in a very dodgy place. Safety-wise, I mean.
32 mins - Vettel has left an massive trail of oil all along the track, which has necessitated this stoppage. There's a break here while the marshals clear up the engine bits from the track, so I'm away for a slug of gin cup of tea.
38 mins - Ok, well this has ruined everything. The marshals are laying swathes of posh sawdust over all the oil, which will look brilliant on TV. The order when we stopped was: Sutil(!), Kubica, Hamilton, Button, Grosjean(!), Fisichella, Rosberg, Alonso, Raikkonen and Glock. Barrichello 11th, Vettel 15th, Webber 17th and Badoer 19th and saving himself for qualifying.
42 mins - Michael Schumacher's sandals are described in detail by Ted Kravitz. They sound right up there with his usual impeccable fashion sense. The beauty of that is that I can mock him mercilessly, safe in the knowledge that nobody will ever know I'm sitting down typing this while wearing dayglo leg warmers and a tie-dyed t-shirt.
46 mins - Well this is ludicrous. The marshals have dumped loads of dust down on the oil, which runs right along the racing line, and have now got some bizarre Mercedes road-sweeper truck busily stirring it with a massive brush. Yes, it's lapping faster than Badoer. Badum-tish.
The Foot - "A Merc going really slow and spinning, reminds me of DCs days at McLaren..."
50 mins - Big developments in the dust situation. There's now a bloke with a leaf blower out there blowing the dust for no apparent reason. The marshals are surpassing themselves here. Vettel, then, has managed to make FP3 even duller than usual.
Session will restart at 11.55 Local Time - That sounds like it's really going to be worth it.
55 mins - We're back underway! The cars stream out for a quick five minute qualifying simulation. The times will tumble here, and I'm not going to even bother trying to keep up.
57 mins - The dust situation is ridiculous. There's more powder flying around than at a banker's house party.
58 mins - Because of the dust, the times are not tumbling, as I expertly predicted a few moments ago. Hamilton is purpling the odd sector, but everyone's losing grip in the run through the sandpit in sector three. Alonso has a spinny. Dynamite could top the session here!
60 mins - Oh no! I cursed Sutil! Heikki goes P1, and Button goes P2. And now Nico goes P2. But Sut purples sector one! Can he pull one out at the death? YES HE CAN!!!!! DYNAMITE SUTIL TOPS THE SESSION!
Final, fantastically silly, order - Sutil, Nakajima, Kubica, Kovalainen, Rosberg, Fisichella, Button, Hamilton, Trulli, Grosjean. The Red Bulls ended 17th and 18th, and look like they're going to end up more at sea than a badly-moored yacht in Valencia's harbour. Badoer last. SUPER LUCA!
Epilogue - Right, that's that. A strange end to a session marred by Vettel's engine-knack. Overall, it seems that it's McLaren vs Brawn for the win this weekend, and that Red Bull have a lot of work to do. But who knows what qualifying will bring? I'll be back to incoherently describe the goings on from the qualifying session from about 12.30 BST or so. Cheerio.
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