Prologue - Welcome to Patronise F1s coverage of the 2009 European Grand Prix, its The Foot here with you today, bringing to you ye olde text based coverage of what promises to be an utterly horrible display of a GP. Being the generous chap that I am, I shall take upon the horrendous burden of watching this race, so you don't have to. Trust me, reading this will be a lot less painful than listening to Legard describe grass growing out of a puddle of slowly drying paint.
12.35 BST - Speaking of soul-crushing events, the Ashes is what has us at Patty HQ on the edge of our seats, as Australia try and pull off a miracle that would rate somewhere alongside Luca Badoer being offered an F1 race seat for 2010. I'll attempt to bring periodic updates to you all throughout the race, if I can tear my eyes away from Mark Webbers sad middle order running.
12.40 BST - As for the actual race itself, the McLarens have locked out the front row with Hamilton taking his first pole of the year, while Rubens Barrichello will start the race in 3rd with a good chance of taking his first win of the season. The championship contenders struggled slightly on Saturday, with Vettel getting 4th, Button 5th and Webber 9th on the grid. A Button podium with a tough day for the RBR duo could see the championship move out of reach, which would be somewhat sad.
12.45 BST - The fuel loads put the Brawns and Rosberg in a good spot, while Vettel will be weary of getting stuck behind someone like Raikkonen, as his smaller fuel load doesn't leave a lot of flexibility. Meanwhile, down somewhere near Badoer, Trulli has caused a shortage of fuel throughout the Western world by draining a few supertankers and depositing their loads in his tank. He'll stop on lap 63 of the Italian GP in a few weeks time.
Ashes Update - Australia; still a very long way behind.
12.50 BST - Romain Grosjean has done a good job this weekend, getting a lot closer to Fernando Alonso than expected, and is already looking like a good choice for next season. Even if he sucks, at least then Renault will having him out of the way in what has been a pretty poor season for them.
12.55 BST - Five minutes to go until lunch, and the formation lap. What do Pattys experts have to say? I'm sure it would be something excellent if we had some, so here are the rest of the teams thoughts:
The Head - "Am I the only one who can still see Badoer winning this?"
The Elbow - "England to get 5 more today and a nervy last day......erm I mean Hamilton to romp away while Heikki holds up the Brawns. It's not domination!"
Race
Formation Lap - The grid clears and Hamilton leads them away. No one appears to have stalled. No one appears to have stalled. The McLarens appear to be on the softer tyres, as is Kimi, Kubica and Badoer.
Lap 1 - The lights come on, then they go out as they tend to do and we're off. Raikkonen is the main mover, hes up to fourth and is defending from Vettel, Button cuts the chicane, will he get a penalty there? He's having to defend against Webber. Not much trouble so far, a few bits falling off but not much. Badoer is pushing on a charge, up to 14th wow! The Head is very pleased.
Lap 2 - Romain picks up where Piquet spun off and pits with some damage, Buemi is in trouble too, the two championship leaders are fighting for 8th amazingly, but Webber appears to have no pace which is frowny. Glock pits too, probably not a scheduled stop. The order; Lewis, Heikki, Boobens, Kimi, Sebvet, Nico, Fred, Jenson, Mark and Bobby K.
Lap 3 - Badoer lost 3 spots that lap, thats what F1 needs for some overtaking, some really bad drivers! Hamilton is romping away here at the moment.
Lap 5 - Webber is having a bit of a moan about Button, he's correct as Button did cut the chicane and kept position, and at least he wasn't having a complete whinge. Hamilton is 1 seconds ahead of their battle already.
Lap 6 - Button lets Webber go to avoid a possible penalty!
Lap 7 - So, Hamilton is the 39s, Badoer for comparison is in the months. They've all spread out here, rubbish GP ahoy!
Ashes Update - It's lunch, Australia are 375 runs behind, with 8 wickets in hand. Massive job to do, but no out of the question when you think about it.
The Head - "Is Brundle taking a bullet for Legard this weekend by trying to be even more moronic than him? If so, it's working."
Lap 9 - No changes in anything. Send me an e-mail and I promise I will make babies with you. Possibly.
Lap 10 - Grosjean has spun, but kept going fine, he's only 9.7 behind Luca. Should be on him within a sector or two.
Lap 12 - It's just a walk in the concrete park for Hamilton at the moment. He could still win the championship ho hum. What do you think about THAT!?!? Send me an e-mail so I can find out.
Lap 14 - Hamilton, Kovalainen, Barrichello, Raikkonen, Vettel, Rosberg, Alonso, Webber are the points paying positions. Sutil is 12th and trying to find a way past Heidfeld. BMW are 10th and 11th, which, is actually quite good for them this season.
Lap 15 - I think Legard is trying to link Hamiltons form to the threat of the breakaway series. As ever, he's failing but it's kind of interesting I suppose.
Lap 16 - Right, so we're closing in on the stops here, the McLarens, Vettel and Kubica are the lighter runners in the top 10, they should be sliding into the pitlane any lap now.
Lap 17 - So Lewis pits at the end of 16, Vettel and Kubica join him from 4th and 10th. Hamilton comes out just ahead of Webber, fiddlesticks. But not as many fiddlesticks as for Vettel, who didn't get any fuel in his stop! He's going to come in this next lap, luckily Webber has a couple of laps more so they can sort him out.
Lap 18 - Webber and Button are in trouble too, instead of doing his normal 39 pace they're in the 41s. This will help Alonso muchly.
Lap 19 - Barrichello doing some nice times here, he's trying to jump Heikki and he should do it at this rate. Then he'll be open to have a shot at Lewis at the next stops. Raikkonen pits from 2nd.
Button also.
Lap 20 - Button, Rosberg and Webber pit. Hamilton retakes the lead, but only just, he'll be confident from there will Rubens.
Lap 21 - Well, the championship could be blown open very slightly here. Barrichello is looking for a top 2, while Webber and Button will be scrapping for the end of the points, if that. Vettel meanwhile has Badoer to worry about. Yes he is that far out of it.
Lap 22 - Heidfeld and Sutil now make their first pitstops, that makes the current order; Hamilton, Barrichello, Kovalainen, Raikkonen, Rosberg, Alonso, Webber, Fisichella. I AM NOW A FINDIA FAN!
Lap 25 - Things have settled down again, should be quite boring until the next round of stops. The cricket is back on, joy. DRAMA! Vettel blows up! Looks like another engine issue, wow he's running low on Renault engines, he could be looking at penalties coming the end of the season.
Lap 27 - Barrichello has the lead down to 4 seconds and he has more fuel onboard. Ponting has got his 50.
Lap 28 - I'm eating Singapore Noodles with Pork, not chicken. I have about half left.
The Head - "Is it possible for Button to win this title with seven consecutive 8th places?"
Lap 29 - Badoer and Grosjean pit, Romain attacks the pit entry more...and errr, Badoer lets him go at pit exit. That, was...really bad. Schumacher never would've done that even if his neck had fallen off.
I don't really know how to describe that. He came out of the pits ahead of the Renault, pulled to the side and lifted to let him through then swept to the other side and put his wheels on the pit exit line. Failblog.org will have a new entry tomorrow.
Lap 31 - Vettel pinpoints it, his engine failures are totally his fault. Webber for Overlord of the World.
Lap 32 - Fisi pits from P8, the new top 10 is; HAM, BAR, KOV, RAI, ROS, ALO, WEB, BUT, KUB, SUT. BAD is still bad. He gets a drive through, he might set his fastest lap on that lap given his speeding fines on Friday.
Lap 35 - Barrichello did a new fastest lap of the race that last one. I think Button just got the "RAM WEBBO" command. He better not or he's off my Christmas card list.
Ashes Update - 100 partnership for Ponting and Hussey. Woo.
Lap 36 - Badoer spins again. It's just so much fail.
Lap 37 - Hamilton pits, and loses the race, there were no tyres there ready for him. So, that takes any interest out of the race.
Lap 38 - Boobens is flying, while Heikki pits from 2nd, I wonder if he could have Lewis, not quite. Not by a fair way actually.
Lap 40 - A puncture for Nakajima! Hrm, things aren't going well for him this year. He's had a torrid time.
Lap 41 - Legard is somewhat surprised that Boobens rejoins in the lead, and he thinks there'll be a deep and meaningful debrief at McLaren after the race. I guess he doesn't know what the word meaningful...err...means.
Lap 42 - Alonso and Button pit, Webbers got Heikki holding him up again when he should be setting hot laps, this could give Button a shot at him in the pits to be honest...I'm worried...
Lap 44 - Button is going to do it, getting held up by Heikki was no good for Webber, and a slow stop for Webber. Kubica jumps him as well, just not going Red Bulls way today. Bwemmy had a left front brake failure. We're all glad for the runoff there.
Lap 46 - Top 10; Boobens, Ham, Kimi, Heikki, Nico, Alonso, Button (who is going quite quick), Kubica, Webber and Sutil.
Lap 48 - Theres literally nothing going on here.
Ashes Update - Hussey gets his 50! Yay!
Lap 50 - Almost out of noodles. It is taking a lot of willpower not to switch over to the cricket permanently.
Lap 51 - Glock has pitted for a third time, maybe a bit of wishful thinking by Toyota there, hoping the pain would end early. "This is a 50 lap race, this is a 50 lap race, this is a 50 laps race."
The Head - "I'm going to start a Facebook group campaigning for the removal of Valencia from the calendar immediately. We need action on this, people!"
Lap 54 - Ho Hum. Some people are closing in on other people, they should be able to follow them home by a second, how exciting.
Ashes Update - Punter is out. FML.
Lap 56 - One to go. Thank christ.
Lap 57 - Glock sets the fastest lap of the race, 3 tenths faster than his qualifying time, he would've made Q3 with that time. Regardless, elsewhere, Barrichello takes the flag and wins his first race for a veeeery long time. Well done Boobens, you did well. He's followed home by Hamilton, while Raikkonen rounds out the podium.
Ashes Update - Clarkooo is out. I HATE THIS! SOMEONE KILL ME!
Right, so, um, I dunno whats going on. Heikki got 4th from the impressive Rosberg. Alonso got 6th while Button picks up valuable points in 7th. Kubby somehow manages a point while Webber can do no better than 9th.
That was a horrible race. I'm glad it's over, also, cricket sucks, lawn bowls anyone? Surely Australia is okay at that, or something else, we have to be good at something. *cries*
Patty will be here for all sessions at Spa in only a weeks time. Finally a great track after the last two average races. Can't wait. Cya then.
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