Prologue - Good morning all. And welcome to the start of someting big. For too long now, I've woken up depressingly early on Saturday mornings, while everyone else is comfortably tucked up in bed sleeping off the effects of last night's gut-rot, to type up reports on this most ignored of sessions, accepting the fact that nobody really cares about this part of the weekend.
While FP1 has the advantage of being the weekend-opener, FP2 the majority of the running and qualifying and the race the fact that they actually mean something, FP3 has very little going for it. It is the dowdy runt, the always-ignored quiet yet dilligent employee, the ginger one out of Girls Aloud. Well no longer, I say, because today marks the start of my almost-certain-to-be-forgotten-by-Monza "Make FP3 Lethargy History" campaign. We're going to put the FUN back into FUNdamentally pointless hour of garbage!
Let's kick off with the Make FP3 Lethargy History theme song! If it's good enough for New Labour (what do you mean nobody likes them any more?) then it's good enough for this. Turn your speakers up! Hold hands with the person next to you, and sing along! Fp3 is but minutes away, and then the party gets started. Every single second of action is important! Even that 15 minutes at the start when nothing happens! This is crucial for the whole outcome of the weekend. This! Is! Important!
Energy drink watch - Imgine my despair earlier to discover that my faithful corner shop was completely out of Relentless. Instead, I've been forced to switch to something called "Rockstar Energy". Which is just like Relentless, in the same way that an enema is just like a colonic.
The Foot - "Installations are laps too."
0 mins - The cars are ready! The BBC seem to have drafted in approximately 19 commentators to cover this one! That's how important FP3 is! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
3 mins - As the BBC commentators roundly take the piss out of Luca Badoer, Holly Samos points out that a Ferrari driver aiming simply to get out of Q1 later today is "unheard of". They've failed to do it at least twice so far this year, Holly. My stream is struggling to keep up, that's because so many people are watching this CRITICAL session.
Installation laps done, and Giancarlo Fisichella tops the blank timesheets, from BADOER! Luca's in second!
6 mins - If you missed any of yesterday's sessions, by-the-by, then shame on you. The Elbow didn't miss them though, so catch up on the action here and here. They were both bobbins compared to FP3 though.
10 mins - Fisichella and Sutil hit the track in their Findias. FP3 is so important, they've only waited 10 minutes to start trying. This is going to be ace!
The Foot - "I'm listening to a South African stream. I'm surprised they're not playing for the English cricket team."
15 mins - So, the thrilling early laps are in, and Fisichella is top from Sutil and Alguersuari. Here comes Badoer and he goes.....3rd! Quicker than Algie! Super Luca nuts am I!
18 mins - DC and Webbo having a chinwag in the garage. Possibly he's asking him what it's like to be in a title fight, to which Webber is saying "pretty bonza, mate". Arf. Out comes Jenson Button, who was rubbish yesterday. He cocks up the Bus Stop, so his first lap will be slower than normal. Hamilton quickest from Sutil, Fisichella and Raikkonen.
20 mins - This Rockstar stuff is awful. Really, truly awful. To quote Alan Partridge, it tastes like fizzy Benylin. THe BBC commentators discuss Button's hissy fit yesterday, where he ever-so-slightly lost it when a journalist asked him if he actually wanted to win the title. The Beeb are, predictably, overstating the drama of it, whereas what really happened was a journo asked a spectacularly stupid question and Button gave a sarcastic answer.
25 mins - Hmm. Neither Red Bull has put in a lap yet. Ted says that Mark Webber isn't even in the car yet. Vettel, of course has engine issues, but I'm not sure what Webbo's excuse is. Come on, Mark, this is FP3, the bestest, craziest session of the weekend! Get involved!
Raikkonen just ran wide and bounced across the gravel, looks like he'll have damaged the undertray of the car with that. Hamilton remains fastest, despite losing time in sector two, from Trulli Buemi, Glock and Sutil. I just physically did a comedy double-take when I saw those names on the live timing leaderboard.
28 mins - Vettel is out, and goes 13th. Badoer is now 17th, and faster than both Kazuki Nakajima, the fastest man in all of Japan, and two-time champion Fernando Alonso. What a legend! Fisi apparently hit a small animal with his front wing. Probably not Adrian Sutil. Ted tries to jump in with a joke about that, but can't think wuickly enough and ends up just saying random words. "Is that the... Anthony.... Davidson..... memorial.... animal.... contact?"
The Foot - "Vettel has ye olde pre-Silvy nosecone on."
32 mins - Kovalainen goes third to make it a happy leaderboard for McLaren so far, with Hamilton still P1. Button down in 15th, and Nico is 16th. I'm not sure what my darling Nico has come as this weekend, but it looks like he's going to have a horrible, 2008-esque weekend here. At least he's quicker than Nakas. Oh, and as I'm typing, Kovalainen goes fastest!
35 mins - Adrian Sutil goes top of the times! What a fantastic session this has been! Top ten is: Sutil, Kovy, Hamilton, Glock, Trulli, Buemi, Algie, Fisi, Raikkonen and Barrichello. Vettel 13th, Button 15th, Webber still hasn't set a time and is complaining about an engine issue. Oh dear.
38 mins - Well well, Sutil's having fun. He just improved his time to go 8 tenths of a second clear at the top of the times. Heidfeld up to 10th. Grosjean is currently half a second faster than Alonso. It's all in the hair!
40 mins - Ted is theorising over Webber's problems, speculating that this is some sort of engine issue the team may have known about before the weekend, which is odd. Either way, it's not looking good for the Aussie. Currently, none of the championship contenders are in the top ten. Timo Glock leaps up to second place, though still half a second behind Sutil.
43 mins - Nico is still dog slow. I hate F1. Currently the Patty favourites of Rosberg, Alonso and Webber are 17th, 19th and 20th. Patronise F1: Destroying drivers since 2007.
48 mins - This has been a hugely exciting session. This has been a hugely exciting session. This has been a hugely exciting session. This has been a hugely exciting session. This has been a hugely exciting session. This has been a hugely exciting session. This has been a hugely exciting session.
52 mins - Webber is out of the car and Red Bull are having a serious check of that engine. Rob Smedley shouts at Badoer the dramatic news that if he was to hook up his best lap, he'll be three tenths slower than Kimi. Go on, son, if you achieve the absolute best you're capable of, you'll be slightly crapper than a bloke who last put some effort into a GP weekend in late 2007.
55 mins - Edging towards the hugely critical final few minutes of the session. Button's on another flyer, but just doesn't look that quick. Sutil, Glock, Kovalainen, Hamilton, Buemi, Trulli, Algie, Raikkonen, Grosjean is the top ten.
57 mins - Anthony Davidson just used the phrase "off-board" to describe a cut from car-mounted camera to track-side camera, as in "and now we go off-board from Button". That just sounds weird. Grosjean goes P3! Nico has gone P8!
Webber Update - He will need an engine change before qualifying. How crap are Renault?
59 mins - Heidfeld goes P2! Kubica goes P5! The timesheets look really silly right now. Of course, this is all down to the predicted qualifying strugglers doing so low-fuel Q1 runs, but let's pretend for a second that the top five on the grid could end up being Sutil, Heidfeld, Grosjean, Trulli, Kubica. Bonkers!
60 mins - And now Heidfeld ruins Sutil's hopes of two consecutive FP3-topping performances in a row by going top, and now Trulli goes 2nd. Badoer has slipped to 18th, but he's MILES (0.023 seconds) ahead of Nakajima in 19th, and literally an infinite amount of time quicker than Webber, who sits 20th without a time to his name.
And that's that. Final top ten - Heidfeld, Trulli, Sutil, Grosjean, Glock, Kubica, Rosberg, Fisichella, Hamilton, Button.
Epilogue - So that's your lot from FP3, the greatest of all the sessions. Not much can really be read into the times, but the big news is that Button continues to suck slightly less than his title rivals, with his Brawn the only one of the "big four" in the top ten, and now both Red Bulls crippling their engine supply. Qualifying should be fun, though not quite as fun as this was. See you for that in around an hour. Cheerio.
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