Prologue - Afternoon. Whenver we have a slightly amateurish title fight, it's usually described as "the title nobody wants to win", but this season seems to be going a step beyond that. This is the title fight that nobody wants to enter. Jenson Button has been out in front for the entire season to date, but in theory he still has three title rivals for the sport's top prize.
But they're just not really having a go. Barrichello, Webber and Vettel have all had a race or two where they've caught up with Button a bit, but then they've slipped back again. And now Red Bull's Renault powerplants seem incapable of completing a lap without going pop. Vettel had one go in the Hungarian GP, then had two go last weekend in Valencia, and now Webber has had a brand new engine let go on him in FP3. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so pathetic.
And we're running out of time. After Belgium this weekend, there's only 50 points left to play for. Should Button outscore his three "rivals" tomorrow, he's almost home and dry. Will someone, anyone, for the sake of neutral viewers everywhere, just have a ruddy go for christ's sake.
There was a Belgian Grand Prix in 1998 - The BBC have mentioned it once but I think they got away with it.
12.40 BST - Fisichella is asked about the "Him to Ferrari" rumours for Monza. "Until Ferrari don't call me, I'm ignoring that," Fisi says, slightly strangely.
12.45 BST - Why, lord, why. Why have I just had to watch Eddie Jordan in swimming shorts mucking around at Rubens Barrichello's house? What did I do wrong? Was it because I lied when I was 17?
The Practice Times - So far this weekend have been a bit all over the place. Confused by a rain shower and some pratting about by the slow teams in FP3. McLaren and Hamilton seem strongest, but they're talking their chances down before the press have even had chance to build them up. I really don't know who'll be on pole. Kimi? SebVet? I DON'T KNOW.
12.50 BST - The traditional BBC talking heads bit about the track here at Spa just features loads of drivers going "ZOMG! SPA4TEHWIN!". I don't really know what's happening now, some child on a skateboard is being pushed down Eau Rouge by Jake Humphrey. I'm not making this up.
Bla bla - Eau Rouge....camera doesn't do it justice....really steep....ultimate challenge. It's a bit of a hill with a wiggle halfway up it. Get over it.
12.55 BST - Q1 is on the way. The race for the pole position that nobody seems to want starts here. Live timing has reset itself, and Jonathan Legard is here. Wonderful. More spunking over Eau Rouge. What about Blanchimont, Jonathan? Why don't you talk about Blanchimont any more?
The Foot - "In the last seven days, my world has ended. Carry on."
Brundo disses Eau Rouge! - Overrated....easy flat out....Stevie Wonder could take it flat. Gettim, fanboys!
0 mins - Here we go then. Hilariously, Badoer has opted for the soft tyres from the very start of the session.
4 mins - First times come trickling in. Grosjean quickest from Raikkonen and BADOER! Nico now goes P1. Slow times though, much slower than this morning.
6 mins - Toyotas! Where have they come from? Glock quickest from Trulli, until Rosberg splits the pair of them. Bwemmy goes 4th, Alonso 5th and Webber 6th. Heidfeld, Vettel, Hamilton and Kubica the only drivers still yet to set a time. Button is 15th.
8 mins - Now Brawn get into the groove. Barrichello and Button brieftly 1 and 2 before the Toyotas return, Trulli now P1 from Glock. Sutil goes 7th. Badoer quicker than Fisichella! Heidfeld goes P3!
10 mins - Boobens has a moment at Les Combes. Whoopsie. Hamilton only goes 12th on his first run, and then BWEMMY GOES P1! AND NOW SUTIL GOES P1! This is a really bizarre start to the session. Vettel, Grosjean, Badoer, Fisichella and Kubica in the bottom five at the moment.
12 mins - Timo Glock has a big moment at Les Combes and goes skittling off the track. Heidfeld is now fastest from Barrichello, Hamilton still struggling in 11th. Badoer on a PB! So is Fisi, can Luca keep hold of 19th? YES! Though Fisi improves, Badoer gets ahead of Grosjean! Oh, until Grosjean improves as well to leave Badoer in P20 once again.
14 mins - Stavelot is a great corner as well. Is Eau Rouge even in the top five corners on this track? Grosjean, Rosberg, Nakas, Algie and Badoer now in the "drop zone". Frailty, thy name is Williams.
16 mins - A whole host of regular top boys could be in trouble here. Alonso, Webber, Kovalainen, Raikkonen is the list from 12th to 15th. Raikkonen is on a PB though, and he goes P2! So he's not in trouble any more. Way to ruin what I just wrote, Kimi.
18 mins - "Half a second Luca, half a second, if you put all your sectors together, you're in" says Rob Smedley, ignoring the fact that Badoer is 8 tenths of a second away from that all-important top 15. My stream is dying! Trulli goes P1! Glock purples the middle sector! Alonso hangs it all out at Fagnes.
19 mins - Nico Rosberg goes P9 and Webber goes P3. Fisi goes P1! Chaos as the end of the session approaches!
20 mins - Algie goes P15, then is bumped to P16 by Bwemmy! Hamilton only 14th! Alonso just clears Q1. Hamilton now 15th! OH! And Badoer's had a spin! That may just save the champ. Nakas can't quite improve, and Hamilton has been a very lucky boy indeed. Button only 14th at the end of that as well.
Out in Q1 - Buemi (16th), Alguersuari (17th), Nakajima (18th), Grosjean (19th), Badoer (20th).
13.23 BST - It looked for a while like some big names might be getting upset there, but that's actually a fairly predictable bottom five. 11th to 15th, though, was Kubica, Kovalainen, Alonso, Button, Hamilton. If Nakas wasn't such a mess, Hamilton would have dropped out at the first hurdle. Back in a sec with Q2.
0 mins - Here we go! Rockstar energy drinks, kids, just say no.
4 mins - Early lapping sees Trulli top from Kubica and Raikkonen. My stream is lagging horribly, making Legard sound even more behind the times than usual.
6 mins - It's funny, and a bit sad, the way that Badoer is a walking caveat. "Everyone was flat out through there yesterday....except for Luca Badoer"..."Yesterday in practice, everyone except Luca Badoer was covered by a second." Webber now goes P2. The RBRs are looking handier now, with Vettel 4th. Button only 9th. Rosberg yet to set a time. Boo.
9 mins - Everyone save Alonso and Rosberg are now in the pits. Rosberg is doing one long run on harder tyres, according to Ted. Which is a whole different caveat. This pole position could be between Toyota, Red Bull and BMW. Which would be mental.
The Foot - "Neither Findia going as fast as they did in Q1. CHOKERS!"
12 mins - I'm "treated" to a whole lap following Nico, which they've decided to do at a weekend where his car is sucking. You know what I hate about F1? Literally everything. He goes P15. Which is a complete hoof of a situation, frankly.
14 mins - So, as we head for the final bonkers action, Trulli remains top from Webber and Kubica. Kimi goes 4th. Sutil, Alonso, Heidfeld, Kovalainen and Rosberg the bottom five right now.
15 mins - Right then: Nico goes 13th. Heidfeld, NICK HEDIFELD, goes P3. Glock now 2nd. And now Vettel 2nd! Button in 12th! Really struggling! Nico purples the middle sector! Kovalainen is out. FISICHELLA P1! Hamilton only 10th! NICO 10TH! SUCCESS FOR A BIT! Button is out! He didn't improve! This is going to blow the title race wide open for sure! He'll start from 14th! Hamilton out too, disaster for the Brits!
Out in Q2 - Sutil (11th), Hamilton (12th), Alonso (13th), Button (14th), Kovalainen (15th).
13.45 BST - How's about this for a surreal top ten: Trulli, Kubica, Vettel, Fisichella, Heidfeld, Barrichello, Glock, Webber, Raikkonen, Rosberg. One of that motley crew will be on pole position in around 15 minutes time. Who's your money on?
13.48 BST - So BMW's efforts to look a bit good for their potential buyers is working then. I'm sure Mario Theissen is cheerily talking to his mechanics as we speak. "You're not gonna lose your job, you're not gonna lose your job, y'know, you're not gonna lose your job."
0 mins - It's Q3 time. DC tips Mark Webber for pole, in a shock show of support for Red Bull that has Eddie Jordan literally laughing out loud in the background.
2 mins - Luca Badoer has topped the speed trap times. I can only assume that the speed gun is in the braking zone at Les Combes, given that he took that 20mph too fast on his last lap. Kimi out on an early flyer.
5 mins - Kimi sets a 1:47.218, some 2.3 seconds off his Q2 pace now he's all nicely fuelled up. The hard tyres are working best, according to Ted. Everyone on track, as anyone on the soft tyres pits immediately to swap to the hards.
7 mins - Oh, somebody finally sets a lap time to challenge Kimi. It's Heidfeld who posts it, and it's awful after he messes up the Bus Stop. Nico goes P2. RAIN NOW PLZ K THX.
9 mins - Heidfeld now goes P1! Boobens slowest, but he's improving on his next lap. Kubica now on pole! It's a BMW one-two! And now Trulli goes P1! Everyone has time for one last run.
10 mins - FISICHELLA GOES P1! Surely not, surely not. Boobens goes P6, now Kimi's on a flyer. Webber only 9th, Rosberg 10th. Heidfeld goes P2! Kimi can't improve! Kubica can now beat Fisi.....but he's slow in the final sector! Trulli goes P2 now! Webber can't improve! THERE'S A RUDDY FINDIA ON POLE POSITION!
What on Earth? - Nothing that just happened made any sense at all.
Top ten - Fisichella, Trulli, Heidfeld, Barrichello, Kubica, Raikkonen, Glock, Vettel, Webber, Rosberg.
14.05 BST - Fisi is rather delighted at what he's just managed. Fair enough, he's probably so low on fuel that he'll struggle to complete the formation lap, but still, what an effort. Say what you will about race fuel qualifying, you will never get a grid like that next year when everyone's qualifying on fumes. Fact.
Barrichello for the championship? - Once again, he's easily the best-placed of the contenders. The Red Bulls are looking a little lost, and his team mate has got a splendid case of the yips. Stranger things have happened...
Epilogue - Righto, I'd love to tell you what Fisi thought about his pole position, but the BBC seem to have given up on broadcasting. Never mind. The fuel loads will make very interesting reading when they're released in about seventeen hours time. And as for the race tomorrow, well it promises to be the race of the season. Naturally, then, I'll be away from a TV and missing it. But never mind, join The Foot tomorrow when he'll describe every lap 3 fuel stop and Badoer error for you in his usual gleeful way. Cheerio!
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