Prologue - Morning. Stuttering BBC internet feed of an empty track? Check. Head-splitting hangover? Check. Faint sense that life is fundamentally not worth living? Check. It must be time for Saturday practice!
Yesterday saw the reassuringly mental face of F1 2009 continue to astound us with it's strangely-angled cheekbones. Even in FP1, which was dominated by McLaren, there was a Force India, a Renault, a BMW Sauber and Sebastien cocking Buemi in the rest of the top six places, while FP2 was even more demented, as Adrian Sutil continued Force India's bemusing current form by blitzing his way to the top of the times, and Romain Grosjean finishing second. Romain Grosjean. This season. This glorious, silly season.
So what will today bring? Well, by the end of this evening, we'll know our grid for tomorrow's race and how much fuel the top ten used to get there. Who our polesitter is going to be is literally anybody's guess, but you'll be able to read about every part of the journey here on PatroniseF1. When it happens, you'll hear it here ninth.
Make FP3 Lethargy History Watch - The campaign that I launched back in Belgium and then largely ignored had a fantastic response, with official Patty sources claiming that we got as many as two readers in that session. Let's try and make it three today people! Onwards with the Make FP3 Lethargy History theme song!
Things To Watch Out For, erm, Watch - Plenty to keep an eye on, even in this session. Giancarlo Fisichella, ostensibly signed up by Ferrari to be less useless than Luca Badoer was proved to be precisely as useless as Luca Badoer was yesterday, but surely he has to improve a bit today, right? Elsewhere, BMW Sauber continue to woo potential suitors (with their fate for 2010 set to be decided soon) by undergoing a Force India-esque rennaissance of their own, Renualt look handy enough with their KERS devices to make you wonder why they bothered taking them out in the first place, and the title contenders all look like they'll do well to even make the top ten in qualifying, never mind actually start anywhere useful. What a season this is.
0 mins - Here we go then. One final hour of lappery. According to the BBC, Fisichella is blithely saying that he is aiming to be on the front few rows of the grid. No no no, dig UP, stupid!
5 mins - Installation laps are being completed. Completely relevent installations laps, you understand. Ted Kravitz just felt the need to plug the BBC qualifying show in his introduction to the coverage. Ted, if we've got up for this farce of a session, it's pretty much a given that we'll be watching the proper stuff.
As an aside, PatroniseF1's latest recruit, The Hand, is with us today, making his debut in the shambolic affair that is Patty's cramped and musty commentary box. I'll hopefully throw up some of his comments as we sit watching an empty track for the next hour or so.
10 mins - Deprived of on-track action, we're getting second-by-second coverage of Flavio Briatore stalking around the paddock, looking for someone to sue. Mercifully, Fisichella emerges onto the track just as my hand makes a grab for a delicious-looking bottle of turps. Ted talks about Italian Ferrari drivers through the ages, totally forgetting the wonder that was Ivan Capelli. The Hand points that out a good three minutes before the BBC get a text about it. Patty F1: First with the criticism.
The Hand - "If Liuzzi puts in a performance this afternoon half as good as his fashion sense then he should waltz in Q3."
15 mins - Fisichella goes P1 with a 1:28.402, ahead of Algie's Toro Rosso. The pace at the moment is a mere five seconds slower than yesterday, which explains why Fisi is looking so competitive. Arf.
20 mins - The times are tumbling as rubber gets laid down. Liuzzi is now the fastest cravat in the west, a 1:25.332 puts him clear of Buemi, Raikkonen, Sutil and Fisi. Nico goes 7th out of 8. I hate F1. Everyone save Glock, Webber and the Renault pair are now on the track.
25 mins - Fisi locks a front right and goes for a dawdle through the hazard-filled run off road at the Rettifilo. Shortly after that, we get a shot of, for no good reason, Luciano Burti hanging around the Ferrari garage. Commence the "Burti in for Singapore" rumours!
Hamilton now tops the times from Glock, Liuzzi, Button and Raikkonen. And as I type that, Kovalainen makes it a McLaren 1-2 by popping in behind the reigning champ.
27 mins - Oh Fisi. The greatest Italian Ferrari driver since Luca Badoer just stuffed his shiny red machine into the tyres at the Parabolica. That's his session over, that's a big repair job for his mechanics, and that's not a way to endear yourself to his new team.
29 mins - Rob Smedley is sitting dejectedly on the pit wall staring into space, probably muttering "bloody amateurs" under his breath. T'was an odd accident for Fisichella, he just skated straight on at the corner and into the wall. That sent everyone scurrying back to the pits while the car was cleared, so the order remains: Hamilton, Glock, Alonso, Kovalainen, Sutil, Grosjean, Button, Nakas, Buemi, Heidfeld.
32 mins - Mark Webber hits the track for the first time so far today, risking a vital, fragile Renault engine as he does so. According to Ted, Rob Smedley has taken Giancarlo Fisichella in a vestibule. I hear that's more painful than the normal way.
35 mins - Webber completes a flying run and goes 20th and then starts setting PBs on his next lap, but we're busily watching Renault mechanics whispering to each other, presumably working out which minute Grosjean needs to crash in order to guarantee Alonso top spot for the session. ALLEGEDLY.
38 mins - The Red Bulls are stinking the place up bad at the moment. Vettel and Webber are 19th and 20th, although predictably given their engine issues they have been the least active of all the drivers. Apart from Romain Grosjean, who is 6th despite only having done 6 laps. He's having a useful little weekend here, is the Sideshow Bob-haired one.
40 mins - Webber improves to 17th, as Adrian Sutil purples sector one, but then makes a bundling heap of the Ascari chicance and backs off. Algie is the only driver (of the ones who haven't crashed their car at Parabolica) not on the track, apparently because of a gearbox issue that the team are checking out. SUTIL GOES P1! What a season.
45 mins - Breaking news from Ted: Algie will have to change his gearbox and will get a five place grid penalty. What's 20 plus 5? Button has popped up to P3, and Liuzzi has improved to P6. The only happy Patty members at the moment are the Alonso fans. He's in 7th, while Nico is 15th and Webbo is 16th.
48 mins - True to form for drivers who anyone at Patronise decides to big-up, Romain Grosjean backs up my update at 38 minutes by locking up at Ascari and damaging the car from bouncing across the grass.
The Hand - "Grosjean committed 1st degree murder on that right front."
50 mins - Into the final ten minutes of this vital session, and everyone apart from Jarno Trulli is sitting in the pit lane. I give up.
52 mins - Ted does a funny! "Has Piquet left his excuse book in the car?" the Beeb man guffaws after Grosjean blames everything but the guy turning the wheel for his accident. Blame it on the tyres, and the brakes, and the suspension, and the boogie.
55 mins - Everyone save for the fallen trio of Fisichella, Algie and Grosjean are out for some low fuel nonsense at the end of the session. Sutil still leads this one, from Hamilton, Button, Kovalainen and Glock. BMW have been fairly anonymous so far today, Heidfeld and Kubica in 12th and 13th.
58 mins - Purple sectors all over the place. Dynamite Sutil improves his P1 time by a tenth or so, Barrichello goes P2??!!??!!?? Alonso goes 3rd, and now Heikki pops up in P2. Fun, fun, fun.
60 mins - Button nicks P1 away from Sutil for all of about 10 seconds, before the Findia man returns to the top spot. Hamilton goes back up to P3. Ickle Heidfeld goes....P3! Kovalainen sets a quickest overall time in sector one, and he will be the only real challenger to Sut's dominance, but he's slow in sector two and....fails to improve. Sut has another fastest practice session time. DYNAMITE!
Final top ten - Sutil, Button, Heidfeld, Barrichello, Hamilton, Kovalainen, Liuzzi, Alonso, Glock, Kubica. Nico 16th, and the Red Bulls ended 17th (Webber) and 18th (Vettel). Ouch.
A brief email from The Elbow - "The Force really is with them...Fisi still doing well I see, giggle."
The Hand - "Red Bull could do with pouring some of their own product into their fuel, they're nowhere."
Epilogue - The Red Bull certainly look a bit screwed right now, but they only did 13 laps (Webber) and 16 laps (Vettel) all session. Essentially: Renault engines, just say no, kids. So the craziness of F1 2009 continues, as we head into a qualifying session that will have Adrian Sutil as one of the favourites for pole. What a season. The Foot will be here to describe all the happenings of that qualifying hour in an hour or so. Cheerio.
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