Epilogue - So what a session that was, I know I've had enough excitement for one day. I hope you'll join us again tomorrow, when the Head will be with you for Pattys full text based coverage of the race. See you then.Wait, wait...I've got this all arse backwards. But, you guessed it, thats F1 2009 for you.
Prologue - Ahem, well, hello there. Sorry about that, that was almost as lame as a Legard race intro, and I apologise. It's the Foot here with you for what promises to be another dynamite qualifying, it's 2009 and theres a very good possibility that a Force India will be on pole for the second race running. WHAT?!?!!
12.40BST - Adrian Sutil has looked the goods all weekend, with his tops fashion sense and uncanny understanding of the female psychology he's come P1 in the last two practice sessions. His brand spanking new teammate Vitantonio Liuzzi has also looked quite quick, and will be drawing on his RBR seat sharing experience no doubt, as he gets back to competitive racing.
12.45BST - Most of the chatter up and down the pitlane has (I imagine) been to do with Giancarlo Fisichella hopping into the Felipe Massas seat at Ferrari. With how he went in FP3, he'll be crossing his fingers that he can last longer than Luca Badoer. If he keeps ripping up suspensions like he did this morning that seat could turn into the very tattered, and very sweaty computer chair down Adelaide way that took the buttcheeks of three teens playing GP2 in hotswap mode in '97.
12.50BST - Who would be next? Well, I'll put my hand up, I've been playing a little iRacing lately, and iCrash less than you'd expect. The Beeb has just had a feature about Trulli and his vineyard. Apparently he makes wine, just so you know, because you mightn't have. Also, David Coulthard has won twice at Monaco.
The Head - "Has anyone actually checked to see if Liuzzi is in the car when the car's going quickly? He might be seat-sharing with Schumie."
The Hand - "Unlike Edmund Jordan, I think 5 cars will be within 1 second of each other. As much as I love Sutil's Loreal hair and manly run, I just can't see him on pole. It's got to be the crap sideburns of Hamilton for P1."
We're a couple of minutes away now, Legard has done his intro. It. Was. Worse. Than. Mine. Honest.
Qualifying One
1 min - So, the Ferraris are straight out, either they're expecting rain, or a red flag when Fisi wipes out after two laps.
3 mins - They're joined by about half the grid, as usual this weekend the RBR drivers are still at the hotel. Probably.
5 mins - Biaggi is in the Ferrari garage, I'm sure Rossi is there too putting a laxative in his drink. Kimi is fastest at the moment, from Glock and Trulli, Liuzzi ran wide at the second chicane but no long term issues.
6 mins - All but Hamilton out on the track now, oh, I lie, Liuzzi has pitted after his minor off, just a checkup I guess. Sutil is into 2nd! It still shocks me.
8 mins - Barrichello has now gone fastest, but Raikkonen and Button are also looking quick. They'll be in the 23s momentarily.
9 mins - Kimi makes it so. Sorry if the terry goes downhill, I'm having a shot whenever Legard says 'charge' and I'm almost out of the game already!
10 mins - Red Bull suck so hard. Webbers 15th and back in the pits already. Someone shoot me now. Heikki going fast, which with all these straights and that forehead is quite a feat.
12 mins - Pft, Hamilton goes P1 on his first lap, I hate F1, I really do. Look at his stupid helmet. Stupid helmet face.
14 mins - Only 1.6 seconds seperate the field, last couple of races we had that gap between 19th and 20th. Poor Luca, I'm sowwy.
15 mins - Liuzzi is 4th, that baffles Legard. Liuzzi is nothing if not quick, but we knew that 5 years ago.
16 mins - Well, here we go, action time here.
19 mins - Webber and Nico are in a bit of trouble here, Patty HQ is sad. Hamilton is still P1 and Heikki is pushing too. Yay Webbo goes 9th, though he's got traffic for his next lap. Oooh Hamilton blocks Bwemmy into T1 as he comes out of the pits. 10 second penalty for sure, put him down near the Williams'.
20 mins - Final laps for everyone now, Raikkonen has gone up into P1, Trulli is in a bit of bother, as is Nico.
The STRs are shafted, as are both Williams', Nico will be tearing out his lovely hair tonight. Glock is also out, Trulli just sneaks through.
So, a few minutes of a break now, Brundle says the final three rows look like Noahs Ark. The Head will be hoping that session will prove to be nothing more than a myth.
The Head - "Stupid sport stupid Monza stupid Nakas stupid EJ stupid."
Qualifying Two
1 min - GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
3 mins - F1 really sucks, like all these teams doing well now (McLaren, Ferrari, BMW) were supposed to be giving up on this season. Ragh!
4 mins - /Legard mode. Only 15 of the 20 cars on track at the moment.
5 mins - Webbo has gone fastest, Vettel slots in behind him, then Heikki, Ferny and then Button take the top spot in succession.
6 mins - Heidfeld has pulled his BMW off the track, a small puff of smoke hints of an engine problem. Now that BMW is pissing off I can say that without worry, totally a BMW engine problem that one.
7 mins - 5 drivers on a 23.5 at the moment, freaky. Heikki is about to break this, Boobens is in the 22s now wow, some quite quick people out there. Yay Heikki didn't break it, he screwed the final sector.
10 mins - Alonso looking to improve, from 4th to 11th is covered by about 2 tenths, really close!
11 mins - Yeah take that BMW, Kubby pulls off with what appears to be another engine issue. They've obviously just gone "sod it, put them on 23k RPM".
13 mins - So who will join the two Bimmers in the zone of drop? Not Webber it seems, he goes P3 woohoo! I love F1! Liuzzi is about 6 tenths off his Q1 time which would be good enough to put him through.
15 mins - Hamilton is flying, Sutil goes 5th! Button goes 3rd so he's through, Liuzzi still has another lap to go, lets see what he can do. Fisi is struggling a little bit, Raikkonen up to 6th now, Vettel is in 9th. Alonso is 7th, Liuzzi is going for it, he can knock out Trulli here. It's tense, gooo VT come on, come on, YES! He goes P5, stonking. His softs stayed on song for several laps there.
So we lose Trulli, Grosjean, Kubica, Fisichella and Heidfeld. Vettel scraped in, while Button got the top spot for the first time in quite a while.
The Hand - "Brits doing an Italian Job by locking out the front of Q2. I'm still on prediction for Lord Sir Lewis CBE MBE OBE to take pole."
The Head - "Findia are now fighting a one-team battle against sommon sense and logic."
DC vs EJ Round 3,735 - EJ confirms he's an idiot again, DC has that face on that everyone uses when you're trying to argue with a four year old while it's wrong to kick kittens in the spine.
Qualifying Three
1 min - Oh, we have a gap in the 'EJ is silly' show to have a bit of racing. On with it then.
3 mins - I hate this bit, such a let down after the excitement of the end of Q2. Now they all do a boring banker lap that doesn't mean anything. Kimi will be the first to set a useless time.
5 mins - Alonso and Webber pull in before their first timed lap is finished. Just getting the feel of the car with fuel in it, they'll basically just have a single run. Hamilton, Raikkonen then Vettel are the top 3, they're also the bottom three of those who have set times. Hamilton sets a time with fuel thats 3 tenths faster than Algies Q1 time.
7 mins - Hello. The Foot's computer has just kicked the bucket, so this is The Head, mopping up the remains of this terry in a suitably shambolic PatroniseF1 manner. Hamilton currently quickest from Kimi, Sutil, Heikki, Webber, Alonso, Boobens, Vettel, Liuzzi and Button. Last gasp runs coming up.
10 mins - Sutil was on a stonking lap, but backed off to give himself room for one final flier, and oh Adrian, he's mucked up the first Lesmo! Can he recover? Hamilton's going EVEN QUICKER, this is going to be close. Sutil goes.....POLE! Only Hamilton can beat him, and Hammy is on a blinder....surely pole....YES! Pole for Hamilton, Force India are denied back-to-back pole positions by those crafty devils at McLaren!
Top ten - Hamilton, Sutil, Raikkonen, Kovalainen, Barrichello, Button, Liuzzi, Alonso, Vettel, Webber.
Conclusions - Red Bull are either very heavy, or very screwed. And as The Hand presciently points out, Sutil is going to get absolutely ruined off the line by the KERS cars that surround him.
Ross Brawn - Says that both his cars are on one-stoppers, which is pretty ominous for Red Bull. Though The Foot is certain that both of the RB5s are no-stopping. So that's ok then.
The Hand - "So my prediction of pole for Hamilton was correct. I didn't think we'd see someone look more smug than Anthony Hamilton today but Ross Brawn's just done it by disclosing both of his modestly named Brawns are one stopping. Tomorrow should be a cracker."
The Foot - "I'm dividing by zero here! Also, RBR suck. No stop ftw, Webbo can change to softs on his way to the podium...right?"
Jenson "Bumfluff" Button - "Pleased with 6th...very close to Rubens....getting the best out of the car....we're pretty heavy.....we'll see what the Red Bull fuel load is....yesterday we were overheating tyres....we think we've solved the problems.....KERS cars in front....good for the start."
Lewis "Smuggery" Hamilton - "Very close session.....happy to see Adrian here....team did a great job.....car feels good.....such a great feeling to put one single lap together....very happy."
Adrian "Pianist" Sutil - "Great moment, great day for me....car is amazing....so good for the team.....good to be competitive....we have a chance.....good feeling.....good feeling......good feeling....I look like Roger Federer."
Kimi "Mumbler" Raikkonen - Was just caught on camera extracting what I can only imagine from his reaction was a simply stunning bogey from up his nostril.
Epilogue Mk2 - Well, that's your lot from Saturday. We look set for a KERS-dominated afternoon around Monza tomorrow, but Brawn may be able to put up a fight on strategy. And there's good old Dynamite Sutil lurking there as a
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