Prologue - Hello you. Such has been the sheer unpredictability of this fabulous F1 season, in the last six races, we have seen six different winners. Could we, just maybe, make it seven from seven here today? Well, although Lewis Hamilton (Hungary) is on pole and Kimi Raikkonen (Belgium) are nicely placed on pole and third respectively, their two-stop strategies may well prove to be a poor choice compared to the one-stoppers behind them. While Rubens Barrichello (Valencia) and Jenson Button (Turkey) may struggle to get on terms with the KERS-powered lot, Heikki Kovalainen sits in fourth on the grid with a very useful-looking fuel load. Therefore, I'm confidently predicting that the large-foreheaded one can just maybe make it a magnificent seven.
Caveat: For any Kovalainen fans reading this, I should warn you that having been tipped for success by a writer for this site, Heikki is now contractually obliged to stall on the formation lap, start last and crash into Jamie Alguersuari at turn one. Sorry.
Extra bit of Prologue - Meanwhile, championship-wise, the Red Bull duo of Vettel (Britain) and Webber (Germany) face a bit of a watershed moment here this afternoon. With the Brawn pairing looking to be over their recent problems, the two RB5s need to somehow conspire decent-enough points finishes from 9th and 10th on the grid to keep their title hopes alive. Let's face it, if they're both 20+ points behind Button at the end of the race, with 40 points left to play for, then you can finally start shouting CHAMPIONSHIP OVER with real intent. Their collective gooses would be well and truly cooked.
You may have noticed - I haven't mentioned Adrian Sutil (Hair) yet in terms of the race win. That's because he is going to receive an absolute rogering into turn one by the KERS gang, in an exercise that will highlight just how staggeringly ineptly the whole KERS idea has been implemented on the sport. Like Magners cider, kebab-flavoured Pot Noodles or series five of Peep Show, it could have been the best thing ever, if only they'd actually thought it through a bit.
The least interesting news ever - Jamie Alguersuari, to ruin my earlier prediction for how Heikki's race will pan out, is starting from the pit lane after the team opted to replace "performance parts". The driver???
The Italian national anthem - Is currently being performed at the track, by what sounds like a six-year-old child on a Fisher Price plastic trumpet.
Mark Webber - Is filling the role of "token famous person from Red Bull borrowed by the BBC thanks to DC's connections" for the weekend and walking round the track with Martin Brundle. After that, we cut to Ted Kravitz, who seems to have come in fancy dress as a team captain off The Crystal Maze. Ted agrees with me that Heikki is the favourite, sealing the poor Finn's first corner fate.
Boobens for the title! - He was fuelled heavier than Button, and outqualified him. And still the talk seems to be of "Button v the Red Bulls" for the championship. How hilarious does "Rubens Barrichello, World Champion" sound? More or less funny than "Jenson Button, World Champion"?
PredictionWatch - Is as follows:
The Foot - "I'm over this race already. Roll on 2011 and Daniel Ricciardo."
The Hand - "I can't wait to see Sutil get eaten up like something out of a Discovery HD documentary. My money's on a Brawn to take the flag, with Grosjean to rearrange someone's rear wing into turn one."
Formation Lap Away - Put the writing of that e-mail to me on hold for just a second, it's almost time for the start. Nico is fuelled until lap 96.
Start - Hamilton gets away poorly, but elbows anyone trying to pass him onto the grass and keeps the lead. Kimi up to second, Sutil third. Button gets past Heikki into the Lesmos. Oh no. Webber is off at the second chicane. That's probably his title hopes over. Liuzzi passes Heikki as well! Masses of grunt in that Findia.
Lap 1 - Hamilton, Raikkonen, Sutil, Boobens, Button, Liuzzi, Heikki, Vettel the order. Oh, but Alonso gets past Vettel, and then the German in the Red Bull pushes Kubica on the grass to keep the Beemer behind him. Naughty.
Lap 2 - Hamilton easing away in the lead. Sutil gamely holding onto the back of his best mate Raikkonen in third. Alonso now homing in on the impotent Kovalainen, who is dropping through the field like a shot of Jagermeister sinks into a glass of Red Bull. Mmmm, Jagerbombs.
Lap 3 - And Alonso passes Heikki comfortably. I'm sorry, Heikki fans. I'm so, so sorry.
Lap 4 - Nico pits from 27th with some sort of tyre drama, and he's delayed in the pit stop as well. Sod this stupid sport and all of it's family.
Lap 5 - In a moment of the machine imitating the driver, The nose on Kubica's BMW is broken. He's happily carrying on though, and still runs in 9th place. Hamilton is now 3.5 seconds ahead of Raikkonen, and this race is somewhat dull already.
Lap 7 - So, this is all very 2008. McLaren and Ferrari dominating, Webber DNF-ed already, Rosberg out of the running for points, Patty HQ reverberating to the sound of anguished sobs, and a Force India in third. Well, maybe not that last one. Kubby is flagged by Race Control to stop being so reckless and come in to fix his nose cone.
Lap 9 - The first couple of laps were brilliant. Since then, nothing has happened. Sutil still gamely following Kimi. Heidfeld is 0.6 seconds behind Vettel in the fight for what is now 9th place with Kubby pitting to fix his damage. Kubby, incidentally, seems to be the one who tapped Webber into the corner pocket on lap one.
Lap 10 - Everyone is calling Liuzzi "Loo-itzy" for some reason. Grosjean is told which gear to use in turn one. It is confirmed that Nico pitted for no reason at all. There goes the run of points finishes then. Sob.
Lap 12 - Yawn. Hamilton leads by 5.3 seconds. Raikkonen and Sutil separated by a second. Barrichello is heavier than Button and is 3.4 seconds ahead of the Brit as the Brawns run 4th and 5th. We'll be getting some stops from the light men in a few laps, and then the picture of who is in contention for the win will come out. 15 seconds is the gap from two-stopping Hamilton to one-stopping Boobens.
Lap 14 - Nico is lapped. I literally hate everything. Hamilton still purpling. Fisichella, who I've managed to completely forget about, is in a sensational 11th place for his first race in a Ferrari.
Lap 15 - Hamilton pits and resumes in 5th. He pitted two laps early, apparently. THAT'S WHAT ALONSO DID AT SINGAPORE!
Lap 16 - Farcically, Kubica just drives into the pits and gives up in order to save his limited supply of engines for the rest of the season. Nico has pitted again. I've poured myself a glass of turps.
The Hand - "Having dumped Nicole Scherzinger earlier in the week there's no bouncing action this weekend, but that doesn't seem to be slowing Lewis down this weekend after a nice clean stop."
Lap 17 - Dynamite Sutil pits for a wash and a blow dry, and emerges in 8th, just ahead of Kovalainen, who immediately has a KERS-ified run on the heavy Findia, but as is his purpose in this life, he fails.
Lap 19 - Kimi now pits, he should stay ahead of Sutil, and does, but he's stuck right behind the other Findia of Liuzzi. So the order now is: Barrichello, Button, Hamilton, Lizzi, Raikkonen, Alonso, Sutil, Kovalainen. And in theory, everyone only has a single stop left.
Lap 20 - "Hello, hello, this is important," Legard lies over a shot of Alguersuari's car being pushed into the garage to retire. He thought that was Vettel, the dunce.
The Foot - "I don't think Ferrari are actually afraid of Force India, not in a "Oh know I'm going to get mugged in the paddock" kind of way. They're not Midland anymore after all."
Lap 22 - So, this is a shocker for Red Bull, really. Webber out, Vettel still out of the points, and Brawn are running in 1st and 2nd. Hamilton is 12.1 seconds behind Barrichello. Alonso right on the back of Raikkonen, in a KERS v KERS fight. I think if he manages to overtake the Ferrari, the universe implodes.
Lap 23 - Oh no! Lou Itzy is out of the race with a mechanical problem. Raikkonen was right behind him, so presumably the problem was caused by him, because he hates happiness and Force Indias and children smiling and Jagerbombs. Actually, he probably loves Jagerbombs.
The Hand - "I want Jenson to catch up to the back of Rubens and crash into his gearbox down the start/finish straight, Martini/Fittipaldi 1993 style, then get on the radio and moan "WHY IS THIS CAR SO BADDDDDDDD GUYS OMG?!"
Lap 25 - Legard opens a can of worms on the partiality of Brawn GP by calling them "Team Button". Speaking of Button, he's inching up on the back of Barrichello now, the gap is down to 2.1 seconds. Hamilton, Raikkonen, Sutil, Alonso, Kovalainen and Vettel complete the top 8.
Lap 26 - Alonso pits. Grosjean's crash is two laps away. Arf, etc.
Lap 27 - Boobens sets a fastest lap, but Button pretty much matches him. This is a pretty absorbing battle, in so much as watching relative lap times on live timing can be absorbing. SebVet and Heikki have been in for (presumably) their only stops. And Button pits! THERMAL CAM! And he rejoins in a perfectly clear bit of track. This is the race, right here.
Lap 28 - And in comes Boobens! Hamilton will inherit the lead, but needs some searing laps to hope to keep the lead after his final stop. And Boobens has a brilliant stop to rejoin with a bigger advantage over Button than before! So Hamilton, Kimi, Sutil, Boobens, Button, Ickle(!), Fisi(!!) and Alonso is the new re-jigged top eight.
Lap 30 - The chat at Patty HQ is over the amusement of the commentators calling Button "Schumacher-esque" when he's getting his arse handed to him by Barrichello. Or do they mean that Ross Brawn has been spotted with his playbook from Austria 2002 in the pit wall? Fisi pits and rejoins in irrelevant-th.
Lap 31 - Super Sebby Bwemmy has hilariously passed Fisichella for irrelevant-th. A DC-chinned woman in the Ferrari pits watches on impassively.
Lap 33 - Brundle is perplexed as to how Button can be 4.9 seconds behind Barrichello, as the fight to be the slightly-less-crap Brawn driver continues at a frenetic pace. Hammy pits, ending any residual belief from Brundo that he still has a chance of winning this one. He rejoins behind Button. Overtaking? To win a race? We'll have none of that in F1, thank you.
Lap 35 - Sutil short-cuts the first corner, and Vettel has had a little off as well. He's now in 12th place, some 55 seconds behind the race leader. September 13th: The day the RBR dream died.
Lap 36 - So, the only real interest now, assuming nobody bothers to actually overtake anyone, is how long Kimi and Sut can go, and whether they can crash the Brawn party after they make their second stops. Sutil is setting fastest laps, inferring his own stop isn't far away. Oh, and as I type that, they both pit. And they rejoin behind the Boobens/Button/Hamilton trio. Sutil may have run over one of his mechanics.
Lap 37 - Oh mercy. Both Kimi and Sutil messed up their stops. Kimi had a bit of a stally moment getting going again, while Sutil managed to knock over most of his mechanics. So Boobens leads by 5.4 seconds from Button, with Hamilton closing up on the back of the championship leader.
Lap 39 - This has been dreadful. Sutil lost a wing mirror from where one of the mechanics collided with his car. "He'll probably be underweight now," fatalises The Foot.
Lap 41 - The two Toyotas are at play, for the dizzying heights of 12th and 13th places. Vettel has got shuffled down to 9th in amongst all the pit stops. I don't know what he's come as today, but it's certainly not as "a title contender". Only thing of interest for the remaining 12 laps: Hamilton catching, and then KERS-ing, Button.
Lap 42 - I give up. I actually give up. Nico pits. Why must the pretty ones torment me so.
Lap 43 - Ok, I lied about there only being one thing of interest, because Sutil is giving Kimi a right going over in the fight for 4th place. Vettel skates off the road again, the useless pleb.
Lap 44 - Confusingly, with a caption of "Sutil Pit Radio" on the screen, we hear Rob Smedley inform Giancarlo Fisichella that Vettel has come as a cabbage today, and that Fisi could and probably should catch and pass him.
Lap 45 - Barrichello, Button (+4.8s), Hamilton (+6.4s), Raikkonen (+18.5s), Sutil (+19.1s), Alonso (+33.6s), Kovalainen (+37.9s), Heidfeld (+46.3s) is the top eight. Hamilton doesn't seem to be quite able to get right with Button, bla, bla, dirty air, bla, bla.
Lap 47 - Button is inching up on Boobens, but not really by enough to worry the Brazilian. Sutil still stuck behind Raikkonen, Rosberg still last. There is no more news.
Lap 48 - Haha, fantastic. The two Toyotas take time out of their busy schedule of sucking to recreate Dijon '79 for us, running side by side for the whole lap after Trulli lost time at the first corner by colliding with Nakas. That was worth all the dross of the last 47 laps. Forza Toyota!
The Foot - "I think Jarno is about to make some whine."
Lap 50 - Not long to go now. Hamilton 1.4 seconds behind Button but doing nothing. Heikki, bemusingly, sets the fastest first sector time of the whole race so far in 7th.
Lap 51 - There is nothing to talk about. Life is futile.
Lap 53 - NOW THERE'S SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT! Hamilton has stuck it in the ruddy wall! He stuck a wheel on the grass on the exit of the first Lesmo and spun straight into the barriers! Pretty heavy impact for the reigning champ. Mercy me.
Finish - Ok, what? Race control summoned the safety car, even though the race is on it's last lap. Boobens wins the Italian GP in slightly surreal circumstances, from Button. Kimi will inherit 3rd, Sutil 4th, Alonso 5th, Heikki 6th, Ickle 7th and Vettel lucks into the luckiest result in the history of motorsport in 8th.
So - We have a two-way fight for the title then. Stick a fork in Red Bull, they're done.
The podium - Sees the yin of the Brazilian anthem mixed with the yang of the British one. Boobens is now 14 points behind Button with four races to go. And he's been the better Brawn driver for quite some time. He can't. He can't. Can he?
Eddie Jordan - Reckons this title is going to be a fight "to the death". Now that would be worth watching.
The Hand - "What a dull race. Hamilton got the memo to cause a safety car to benefit Kovalainen 52 laps too late and now looks an even bigger numpty. Button keeps his ridiculous project "creep-pathetically-towards-a-title" alive and Kimi looks as happy with 3rd as parents who've been told their child has failed to get into Med School. I can barely wait for Singapore to continue the Legard bashing."
Boobens says - "It feels great...I have no words...had a tough night worrying about the gearbox...but the gearbox was great...great start...great brakes...great...great...great...great...great...great..."
Boobens Mk.2 Button says - "Good start...Kovalainen braked late...put a nose up the inside...LESBO 2!!!!!...had to make it stick....nice to be back up here...Rubens did a better job...second is good though...gained 7 points on Vettel...it's good...good....good....good...."
Mumbly Finn says - "Mumble...good start...something happened with Lewis....mutter...mumble...we got third place on a gift...mutter...but it still counts...mumble...what is up with my hair?....mutter...seriously, I'm earning £30 million a season and I can't find the cash to go to the barbers every once in a while?.....mumble."
Button called Lesmo 2 - Lesbo 2. Honest. And then he giggled like a schoolkid. Tee hee. Hee hee hee.
The BBC - Are interviewing Dynamite Sutil, and taking the mickey out of him for running over his mechanics. Potentially broken legs are hilarious!!!!!
Epilogue - Right, the internet connection at Patty HQ seems to be having it's daily fit, so I'll use this brief moment of connectivity to finish this thing off. A fantastic race for Brawn, a nightmare for Red Bull, and now we have a four race shootout between Button and Barrichello for the title. That will all start in two weeks time in Singapore, and we'll once again be hastily typing our way through that. Thank you for your pity company today. Cheerio.
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