The Singaporian night; home to bright lights, ladyboys, and for one weekend a year the glorious sounds of Formula One. Tonight is the splendiferous event of qualifying, the teams bask in the glow of neon, or in Williams' case, candlelight, and get to see F1 cars at their sparkling best. With you tonight is the Foot, coming to you live from Pattys Southern Network HQ. Some might call it a hovel, others a shanty, I call it home however. Actually, I call it a dump, but whatever.14.35 BST - As this championship has now turned into a two horse race between Brawn GPs journeymen, much of the nervousness of it all has been lost for me. As you may have picked up from one or two hints I've dropped over the season, I'm a bit of a Webber fan and it's a weight off my shoulders not to have to worry about a world title anymore...for this year anyways. You at the back, stop laughing please.
The Head - "BBC feature on young designers tasked with making an F1 car out of a single piece of balsa wood. Or "The USF1 Method", as it is better known as."
14.40 BST - Rubens "Boobens" Barrichello has been on a roll lately, taking points from teammate Button like so much candy from a child who has sticky-taped some navel fluff on their chin. The gap is now only 14 points, with 40 bananas left to play for. Will Button slip on the skin of his huge lead? Or will Rubens ape his early successes? Will I be able to monkey around with this metaphor any longer? We'll go a long way to answer literally one of those questions for you in the next 75 minutes.
BREAKING NEWS! After all that well thought out analysis, Boobens has just had a gearbox change. Minus 5 places on the grid for him, so he'll be down with Button then.
14.45 BST - While we wait for the fun to start, why not read back over Pattys coverage of FP3 here. The Hand stroked his way comfortably through his first terry and a fine display it was, if you want to know what the sound of one hand typing is, hang around the site as I'm sure he'll be doing many more sessions in the future!
14.50 BST - The Brawns and Red Bulls have looked decent in practice, as has Alonso, and he's only had to have Grosjean crash once. Hamilton looked very quick in the third session, while Nico was looking spunky and reasonably nippy, compared to Nakas anyways. You're all thinking racist thoughts now aren't you!
The Head - "Both Brawns to mess up, Red Bull front row. Championship on again."
14.58 BST - We're about to go. Legard has just unleashed about seven puns about the lighting here. I'm sad.
Qualifying One
0 mins - Algie leads the pack out, Fisi and Sut join him, the Ferrari looks tops.
2 mins - Quite a long lap here, roughly 110 seconds. Hehe, Romain has gone off on his outlap, down an escape road, looks like he just left his braking too late.
4 mins - Still no times set, Romain is complaining that he has no brakes, which is what it looked like. Brundle claimed he locked his front right, but he was wrong, and I was right. Algie goes P1! 9 tenths ahead of Fisi.
6 mins - I'd say the only car that doesn't look stunning is the Brawn, as you'd expect. Every other car is sparkling and I do like it. Buemi is P1 at the moment and Webber slots in just behind him, Button looks like he wants to take that P1 slot though.
7 mins - He takes it, oooh heres some radio, Romain is pumping away, got to get warmed up with the brakes there. Barrichello is looking really quick, he's on the hards and is a second up on Button after 2 sectors.
9 mins - Nicooo is P1 now, great lap there, Boobens is second while Vettel is P3, it looks like mid-47s will be the go even in this first session.
10 mins - Our commentator reckons this session is hotting up, well, technically, I'm sure it's cooling down. Vettel goes P1 for a moment before Hamilton takes it off him, Webbo is about a second off his teammates pace which is making me cry somewhat.
12 mins - Findia seem to have dropped off the radar again, Sutil is 14th while Liuzzi is 20th, behind the fellow who is relying on his wings to slow the car down. Oh wowsers, Buemi goes P6, righto, lots of laptime to be found by everyone then.
15 mins - Final runs will be starting in a moment, want to know where the important people are? Webber is 11th.
Neehee, Vettel is 2nd, Button is 4th, Boobens is 7th.
17 mins - Kimi is going quick on the soft tyres, he's gunning it, the car is wobbling around a bit, but it's fast anyways.
18 mins - Nico is going faster, everyone bar Hamilton, Sebvet and Heikki are out on track.
19 mins - Heikki has decided to come out for some reason now, he won't have time for a lap I don't think, lots of green on the timing screens. Heidfeld goes P3 on the softs, Nico is P4, Button down to 7th while Webbo is 14th, no, he goes 10th, he'll need more than that I think.
20 mins - Webbers time mightn't be enough, Alonso is in trouble as well, Boobens is under pressure, he's done a good first two sectors but he's borked a corner there. Button is up to P2, all eyes on Boobens, he goes P6, that'll do, all 4 championship "contenders" are through. Whos out? Glock, Sutil, Algie, Fisi, Romain and Liuzzi are our final five.
Well, that was fun. The back end of that grid actually looks normal for the first time since about Silverstone, huzzah.
Qualifying Two
1 min - We've started. Manage the outlap Nico is the message over his radio, I wonder if the outlap thinks of him as Pointy Haired Boss?
3 mins - Buttons differential settings are boobens he moans over the radio, too much inside wheel spin so he'll be getting oversteer on exit. Vettels got a new helmet, what a tosser.
5 mins - Button does a nice time, err, as does Webber, woot. I LOVE F1! 4.9 seconds faster than Vettel yay.
6 mins - Err, okay Nico goes P1 by a mile with a bonkers lap, almost in the 45s. The Head is just fapping away, Webbo borks a lap with a lockup. Vettel goes P2 with Ham in P3.
8 mins - Boobens is 8th, while Button is 11th. CHAMPIONSHIP BACK ON ZOMG!
10 mins - Alonso drifts his way through P3, great S1 time, a touch quicker than Nico somehow. Misses the apex at the corner before the backstraight but not much time lost, poorish middle sector but he's still in the game, lets see what he can do, top 5 maybe. Great onboard shots here the Hand points out (arf), he pops into P5, just behind Glock who is there somehow. Trulli is 14th.
12 mins - You're only ever employed one year a time in this business, Brundo points out. Was there anyone out there not wishing that this mantra applies to Legard?
13 mins - Here go the final runs, fastest laps of the weekend now, Kimi will be the first to set his time. Nico is sitting in the pitlane, content with his time. Kimi is trying to hustle the Ferrari but it looks a bit ugly, middle sector is a bit average. He'll have another lap if his tyres hang on.
14 mins - Button stays 13th, Boobens is 11th, he has another lap but can his tyres hang on? Barrichello staus 10th, he can have another lap. F1 is funny as the Head facepalms at JB and Ferrari.
15 mins - Buemi is 15th, Boobens is doing a better 2nd lap, Vettel goes P2. Trulli doesn't look good at all, Webber is 10th eep. Boobens is going to push Mark out of the top 10, but Mark will have another shot at him if it does happen, Boobens goes 6th, what can Webbo do? COME ON MARK! Come on son, come on, come on, YES! P2, woot. Woot! Woot! Woot! Button is gone in 12th and Boobens has a penalty, RBR looking hot.
The Hand - "Well rescued by Frasier in the no.2 Brawn and what a joke by Button. As The Head just said, this must be one of the most pathetic title races ever. Alonso for pole!"
The Head - "Idea for FIA season review DVD: That lap by Nico. On a loop. For several hours. Nothing else."
Well, that was outrageous. What a crazy season. We'll be back in a few minutes as the drivers battle it out for Kubica.
Qualifying Three
0 mins - We're off with fuel onboard. It seems Monza was a blip on the crappy radar for Button, rather than a return to form. I can hear him coughing from here, Ross will have to be practicing the heimlich over the next few days one feels.
3 mins - This session sucks compared to Q2. Ho hum, Nico will set a time first, and will probably go P1 unless he's slower than nothing.
5 mins - Nico goes P1, but then Sebvet takes it from him, Boobens goes P3, Heidfeld P4, Webber goes P3. Hamilton looking quick. These times don't really mean anything unless someone bins it in the wall, and I doubt any hire company would give Piquet Jnr a rental.
7 mins - This session blows chunks, so much boredom for 1 minute of excitment. Like one of my dates. Chortle.
9 mins - Final minute now, no one has started their flyer yet as far as I can tell, looks like Sebvet will be the first to set a benchmark, he's 3 tenths behind Hamilton.
10 mins - Good first sector for Sebvet - OH! Boobens puts it in the wall, thats the end of this session, red flag, Hamilton has pole from Sebvet, Nico and Webbo, those last three were all on faster laps. Fail. Now Boobens starts 10th, interesting, I think thats deliberate, there I said it. I'll be proved right in 11 months.
Well, again, like my dates, what an anti-climactic climax. The top 10 for tomorrows race is Hamilton, Vettel, Rosberg, Webbo, Boobens, Alonso, Glocky, Heidfeld, Kubby and Heikki. All that chat I did about the first laps not counting, I was utterly wrong.
I hope you'll join us for tomorrows race, it should be quite interesting, even if it's not at least it will look very pretty and shiny, and that is all I'm really after. The Head will be doing the terry, so you know it will be a good one, I promise it will also be shiny. So, thanks for joining me tonight and be sure to tune in for the race and tell all your friends! K, thnx, bai.
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