Prologue - Hello there. In many ways it's becoming more and more difficult to defend this season of F1. Sure, like a casual summertime fling, it was fun at the start, with the flirtation of Brawn and the like at the front of the grid and the thrill of the big teams struggling, but as it's gone on, through the scandal and the pain and the tedious races and the KERS and the general naffness of the title contenders, it's started to look less like that summertime fling and more like a grimy bit of desperate snogging in the corner of a themed nightclub dancefloor at 1am after one too many gin and Relentlesses. Whatever the end result of these actions may be, everyone is going to end up regretting the whole idea.
But then again, to criticise this season in particular for being full of dubious title contenders having error-filled, inconsistent times of it is perhaps unfair. After all, 2008 was blighted by mess-ups and 2007 was defined by Lewis Hamilton's farcical choking. Maybe this is what a post-Schumacher era F1 is all about. Falliable people making the best of their lot in life but also reminding us every so often that they are human after all. No superteams, no perfectly executed strategy and seamless racecraft, just a lot of people proving how sublimely unpredictable life is. And that every dog, even Jenson Button and Rubens Barrichello, might eventually have their day. This season is one for the everyman, the generic functionless person who dreams that one day maybe they two will taste fame and fortune, despite never really displaying the ability to do anything worthy of such praise. This season, effectively, is for all of us.
So though the idea of following a title scrap that is being as much decided on recovery drives from depressing mid-grid starting points as it is glorious domination of weekends is in many ways a bad one, for some reason, I still sort of love this season.
12.35 BST - Whatever happens in the next couple of hours, it looks like Lewis Hamilton has got the race all wrapped up. He's ahead of everyone on the grid, and has pretty much the best strategy out there. Which will be awfully fun. But the fight behind him should keep us entertained, as the Red Bulls, Nico Rosberg and Fernando Alonso all looking at a possible podium. And the Brawns continue their efforts to suck massively.
12.40 BST - Brundo in "not making an arsing great mess of the gridwalk" shock. Using the phrase 'Teflonso' to describe a certain Renault double world champion produced a lol moment from me. Then he interviewed Nico and my memory becomes a little hazy. In thrilling news, Nick Heidfeld will start from the pitlane after discovering that he ran underweight in qualifying, further making his rather lame effort look even more lame. Ross Brawn described this as a "fifteen-place penalty". Which made no sense whatsoever.
12.45 BST - The Singapore national anthem is dreadful. Really dreadful. But it is being sung by a charming-looking man in the shiniest suit I've ever seen. He's the winner of "Singapore Idol" apparently.
12.50 BST - Do Eddie Jordan and David Coulthard draw straws to see who gets the garish white trousers to wear before each broadcast? Weather-wise, there is a a thunderstorm in the Singapore area, but we're not expecting any wet stuff for the race itself. Which is probably a small mercy, to be perfectly honest.
12.55 BST - Legard is here. "A miracle of electrical engineering....whose name will be lit up in lights....bringing them out of the shadows....." IS IT DARK JONATHAN??? I HADN'T NOTICED!!!!!
The Foot - "The Renault looks like someone ate some chicken nuggets with BBQ sauce and threw it up on the Brawn."
Formation Lap - Here we go then. Can Nico get a podium? Wil the hyper-aggressive Red Bull strategy pay off? How much will Hamilton win by? We're about to find out!
Start - No. Is the answer to whether Red Bull's strategy paid off. Both drivers made awful starts. Hamilton leads, Nico up to second, Vettel down to third. Alonso gets past Webbo, but the Aussie forces his way past later on in the lap! And through goes Glocky as well!
Lap 1 - So Hamilton, Nico, Vettel, Webbo, Glock, Alonso, Barrichello, Kubica is the top 8. Button is tenth, just behind Kovalainen. This race still looks lovely. It's like porn for F1 saddos.
Lap 2 - Algie gets past Sutil in a thrilling scrap for 14th place. Button not exactly all over Kovalainen. And here's an e-mail from Edward Haines, who clearly sent this some time before the start and disagrees with my love of this season: "Bah. It might not be edifying but I reckon if Jenson gets through the first lap he'll beat Boobens tonight, then it's game over. Rubens is gash in Brazil, and not much better in Japan barring when he was driving a Ferrari his granny could win in the early 2000s. It'll be over before they get the Abu Dhabi." Well, when you put it like that.
Lap 3 - The Renault strategy has failed, as Romain Grosjean parks his car in the pit lane. No no no, Romain, crash ON the track.
Lap 4 - This is going to be a tedious afternoon. The top four are, as The Foot twigs, in reverse fuel order, and the gaps are all pretty stable. Hamilton is 1.9 seconds ahead of Nico, who is 1.5 seconds ahead of Vettel, who is 2.7 seconds ahead of Webber. Just sit back and watch the shiny, pretty cars. So shiny, so pretty.
Lap 5 - Default X Three Zero. Is the name of something Hamilton's just been asked to do. Which basically means his KERS is knackered and he needs to switch it off. Yep, it's that interesting, folks. Brake issues for Romain, apparently.
Lap 6 - Problems for Webbo, much to the chagrin of The Foot. He's had an off somewhere and has dropped behind Glocky and Alonso. No idea what happened, because we're yet to see a replay. Hurrah for the race director.
Lap 7 - OK, what? Webber didn't make a mistake. He had to slow and let Glock and Alonso through because he overtook Alonso around the outside of turn 7, which is apparently not allowed. BOO, YOU OVERTOOK! GET BACK IN LINE!
Lap 8 - Nico sets a purple middle sector, and indeed a fastest lap and he's still within 2 seconds of Hamilton. To be fair, he is in a lighter car, so probably should be a bit quicker, but then to be fair he's in a Williams, sans KERS. Still, he's going to need a clever pit strategy to jump Hamilton. And this is Williams, so prepare for a four-stop strategy and an eventual 13th place finish.
The Foot - "Smeddles needs to crank out a classic Top Gun line for Fisi; 'Do some of that pilot shit'"
Lap 10 - With nothing else happening, we're watching a fight between Algie, Sutil, Fisichella, Liuzzi, Trulli and Heidfeld, scrapping over the right to not be last. It's an Algie train! "It's almost like watching a Scalextric track," muses Legard. Yes, it is. It's the 3 million wattage of lightbulbs that really captures that "£45 plastic toy" look.
Lap 11 - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Bwemmy slides off the track and while he's bouncing over kerbs, Kimi slips past into a stratospheric 12th place. Hamilton has increased the gap back up to 2.5 seconds. The top three are in a race of their own at the moment, with Glock some 16 seconds behind the race leader.
Lap 13 - Liuzzi gets a run at the former owner of his race seat Fisichella, in a move that makes irony alarms across the land light up. Fisi defends by running wide, a la Webber, and nosed back in front in the middle of some waved yellow flags for debris on the track. Hmm.
Lap 14 - Ok, the debris is a fairly substantial piece of Glock's Toyota which fell off. Vettel now purples the first sector as he begins to reel in Nico. No! No! No!
Lap 15 - Button is doing nothing in 10th. But he's heavier on fuel and will be hoping to sneak into the points during the stops. Boobens is 7th and also doing very little. Actually, everyone is doing very little. The Algie train's lap times could be measured with a calendar.
The Foot - "Send a marshal out just before Algie gets there, plenty of time to collect it up, and even if he hits you he's not going fast enough to cause any damage to anyone."
Lap 16 - A marshal has recovered the debris. Well done that man. Vettel is the first to pit, and a message from Jock Clear for Boobens to push a couple of laps ago paid off, because the Brazilian is just ahead of Vettel when he emerges. Webber will be in next time by then.
Lap 17 - Oh. Rosberg pits as well as Webber, and FOR PITY'S SAKE. He made a clunking mess of the exit and effectively crossed the white line for a drive through. AND he loses a place to Boobens. FOR PITY'S SAKE.
Lap 19 - Boobens and Glock have also pitted. I'm past caring now. Why, whenever F1 offers you a glimmer of hope, of joy, of delight, does it always turn round, mace you in the face, kick you right in the crackers and stand there cackling at your sobbing foetal form?
Lap 20 - Loads of stuff happened this lap. Loads of really exciting stuff. But I'm not telling you what, because I'm in a proper funk.
Oh ok - Stuff that happened on that lap: Hammy pitted and rejoined just ahead of Alonso, Nico got a drive through penalty issued, and Sutil made a complete mess of everything, spinning while trying to pass Algie and then recovering the situation by driving into Heidfeld. We now have a SAFETY CAR.
Lap 21 - So, this is the absolute nugget on the top of the turd sandwich that is Nico's afternoon, as he'll now serve his drive through after the SC period, dropping him right to the back of the grid. Algie has a Massa moment in the pits, driving off with his fuel hose still attached. I'll give you the order when live timing sorts it's life out.
Lap 22 - Race order: Hamilton, Rosberg (drive-through pending), Vettel, Glock, Alonso, Barrichello, Kovalainen, Button, Webber, Kubica. Heidfeld is out after that Sutil broadside, but Dynamite remains in the race in 18th.
Lap 24 - Sutil comes in and parks it. I'm still really unhappy FYI.
Lap 25 - The Foot has, pun-tastically, lost footage. Race back underway, Hamilton keeps the lead rather easily. Glock and Alonso scrapping right in front of Boobens.
Lap 26 - Nico keeps going. Presumably he's got three laps post-safety car to serve his penalty, otherwise he's now going to get a penalty on top of his penalty. Nothing is happening. Joy.
Lap 27 - Nico serves his drive-through, and emerges in 14th place. C'mon Nico, 34 laps, 14 places to make up, easy peasy!
Lap 28 - Pointlessly, Findia are planning to send Sutil back out once they've checked the car over. Hamilton leads by a second from Vettel. Glock now third and Webber up in the points following Nico's penalty. Every cloud, and all that.
Lap 29 - This race is utterly, utterly dismal.
Lap 30 - Sigh. Ok, the intrigue for the race win revolves around whether Vettel has an extra lap or two of fuel on Hamilton. If he can contrive a win here, while Brawn are continuing to suck, he's not completely out of the title race.
Lap 31 - Nico has a go at Trulli, but can't quite get past. At least someone's trying. Fisichella's pace is awful in 15th. Glock still looking good for a podium in 3rd.
Lap 33 - Talk amongst yourselves. I'll let you know when the action pit stops begin.
Lap 34 - Oh GOD. Nico pits first. Do Williams get their pit strategies by just setting the fuel rig to "random"?
Lap 36 - Hamilton sets a new fastest lap and then Vettel responds with a fastest first sector. It's that interesting. Rosberg is the third fastest man on track. In last place. Sigh.
Lap 37 - Vettel's right wing mirror flies off, almost apologetically. "He's got another one on the other side of course," Brundle muses over the footage, needlessly.
Lap 38 - OVERTAKING! Rosberg flies past the hapless form of Alguersuari to move up to notlast. Not the most dramatic pass you'll ever witness, but when you're on the sort of dry spell that F1 is on right now, any hole's a goal.
Lap 39 - Vettel pits. Race over, etc.
Lap 40 - Bwemmy had a problem with his fuel rig and has to pit again. Another place for Nico! Vettel is under investigation for speeding in the pit lane. What a pathetic way to end your title challenge. His car is also falling apart further now, with a piece of his diffuser flying off. WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF MASSA???
Lap 42 - So, Hamilton, Glock, Alonso, Boobens, Heikki, Button, Vettel, Webber is the top eight. I'm losing the will to live.
Lap 44 - Vettel serves his drive-through and emerges in 9th, just ahead of Kimi. Oh, and Webbo pits in a cloud of brake dust. Why is literally everyone so useless at literally everything?
Lap 45 - Glock also pits from seconds. He's out just behind Button. Webber rejoined just ahead of Rosberg, in a sexy Patty party back in 14th place. Colombo is on ITV right now. I'm missing Colombo for this.
Lap 46 - Oh dear. Webber's brake issues really were terminal, and he's gone backwards into the wall at turn 1. Ouchie. So Red Bull really are out of this feeble title race after this comedy of errors. "That was smooth, that was really smooth," Legard purrs as he describes my chat-up technique Hamilton's pit stop.
Lap 47 - Alonso now leads, in an amusing repeat of last year. "From Braaaaaaawn," Ted Kravitz creepily screams as Legard asks him where he is reporting some dull news from.
Lap 48 - STR are clearly so angry about this mess of a race that they're not playing any more, and both Buemi and Alguersuari drive into their garages. Button still hasn't pitted and he's lapping nice and fast now. He looks like he might leapfrog Boobens here.
Lap 50 - Alonso pits, and he'll rejoin in 4th. Hamilton leads from Button (yet to pit), Glock, Alonso, Vettel, Kimi and Boobens. Button's pace is very good, albeit on super-low fuel.
Lap 51 - Here we go then, Button pits, and comes out ahead of Kimi! The Button strategy has duped the Boobens one, and that could be very significant in the title chase. Hamilton, Glock, Alonso, Vettel, Button, Kimi, Boobens, Heikki is the top eight. Vettel just ran wide at turn 1.
Lap 52 - Kimi makes a splash and dash, to fall out of the points. Actually, the Button strategy isn't that significant for the championship, given that it's only going to increase his lead by a point. But then it's the psychological boost of actually finishing ahead of the Brazilian for once. He's also being given the hurry-up because Vettel ahead of him might have a Webber-esque brake issue.
Lap 53 - Button setting PBs and is just 15 seconds behind 4th placed Vettel. This race could get a bit cheeky right at the end.
Lap 55 - Button now not closing in on Vettel. Verily, this be tedium.
Lap 57 - Kimi is harrying Nakajima for 9th. "Not the most spectacular of races," Legard deadpans.
Lap 58 - Everyone has brake issues. Button struggling with his, and Barrichello is warned that his team mate is having problems and he might want to back off too. "Can we catch him?" Barrichello replies, brilliantly.
Lap 60 - Nearly finished. Anyone out there fancy doing the MBM for qualifying next week?
Lap 61 - Thank god for that. Hamilton takes the chequered flag to bring this shambles to an end. Cracking drive, that. And cracking drive from Timo Glock as well, second place for the Yoda man. Alonso third, Vettel fourth, Button fifth, Barrichello sixth. Heikki and Kubica somehow mop up the remaining points.
15.05 BST - Hamilton's taking his time getting to parc ferme, waving gleefully at the crowd, Alonso climbs out of his car and looks utterly disinterested with his podium finish, presumably distracted by whether or not that fax from Ferrari has come through yet.
15.10 BST - There's a douche chill moment in the weighing area, as Alonso is forced to sit next to Hamilton. The Spaniard also successfully product-placed a can of Coke in the shot. Alas, no Magnum.
15.15 BST - The BBC keep mentioning a second safety car that never happened, utterly confusing me because I thought I'd missed something on one of my numerous coffee runs. The BBC has also buggered off to show the Eastenders omnibus before the press conference happens.
Epilogue - So, if they can't be bothered to stick around and talk about the race, then I certainly can't. Besides, there was precious little to talk about. It was a nonsense. Thank you for keeping me company throughout this whole mess and thanks for the e-mail(s) as well. It isn't long before F1 returns to action, with the action in Japan kicking off in the wee hours of Friday morning. We'll be back for that, but for now, cheerio!
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