Prologue - Hello again. The good news is that I haven't yet crumpled into a snoring heap on the floor, and will hopefully remain that way for at least the next couple of hours or so. The bad news is that my highly technical attempts to fix my earlier internet connection issues (i.e. turning the router off and on again a few times and occasionally swearing at it) only seem to have made matters worse. I'd almost feel bad for this latest mess of a MBM that's about to unfold, if anyone was actually reading this.Still, after FP1 spectacularly failed to answer any questions about the relative pace of the field this weekend, we can only hope that the track has dried out properly for FP2, and we can start to get a bit of a feel for how this weekend might possibly pan out. Because I don't think we're likely to see a top five of Heikki, Nakas, Sutil, Fisi and Buemi come Sunday, if I'm being entirely honest.
Newsness - To read before this session gets started. Everyone move your "Can Toyota give a flying one any more-o-meters" back to "Yes" after John Howett said the team would not be pulling out at the end of the year, while meanwhile, Felipe Massa has completely lost the plot.
Incidentally - For any Elbow fans (the Patty writer, not the band) out there (and I know there are several) wondering why he isn't here doing his normal Friday practice stint, that's because he has far more important things to worry about this weekend, namely sleeping covering the race for us on Sunday. Don't worry though, he promises to be back in the Frappy hotseat for Brazil.
Oh for crying out loud - It's absolutely hammered it down in the break between sessions. The track is drenched. What a waste of time this has all been.
0 mins - Ok, we're underway, for what it's worth. The problem is that everyone only has three sets of inters to use over the weekend, and with one set knackered in FP1, they can't really afford to ruin another set, just in case there is rain for the rest of the weekend. Excitingly, the BBC have lined up a special guest to talk to should the on track action wane. Less excitingly, it's some bloke I've never heard of who is apparently the "chief strategy engineer for Brawn GP".
3 mins - Both Toro Rossos have come out for an installation lap, but neither bothers setting a timed lap. According to Anthony Davidson, Nico was playing football with his mechanics around the back of the garages minutes before the start of the session, which gives you a flavour of quite how intense the action is right now.
5 mins - David Croft wonders what the hardy watchers at home in the UK are eating while they watch the coverage this morning. Cheese and onion crisps and a can of Relentless since you asked, David. I know, I disgust myself.
8 mins - It is raining really heavily now. This is silly.
11 mins - In lieu of anyone actually accomplishing anything productive, the BBC are interviewing Heikki Kovalainen, who is remarkably relaxed about his future in the sport despite almost certainly being forced to leave McLaren. He's a nice enough guy, not a great driver, but far from the worst on the grid. Hopefully he'll be able to find something half-decent to amble about in next season.
18 mins - I want to cry.
25 mins - So then, F1's return to Suzuka. Biggest anti-climax ever? James Vowles, arch-enemy of Pete Consonants, is the name of Brawn's engineer bloke, whose arrival in the Beeb commentary box is imminent. It is SO EXCITING!!!!!
28 mins - Tonio Liuzzi is larking about in the pits with a photographer's camera, taking pictures of his mechanics, who all have the long-suffering looks on their faces of people who've somehow ended up stuck in the corner at a house party talking to a "wacky" friend of a friend.
33 mins - Tantalisingly, there's an engine being loudly revved in the pits, but nobody is either owning up to it or actually following up that noise with some actual lapping. Mr Vowles is saying literally nothing of interest as he responds to a series of banal questions from BBC viewers.
38 mins - The rain is, if anything, getting heavier. I am once again reminded of this.
45 mins - So, at the halfway stage of this thrilling session, here is a handy summary of the times set so far:
55 mins - You would hope that someone would at least put on some sort of a show, but the problem is the tyre situation. Although the forecast for the rest of the weekend is much better, nobody wants to be the ones who blithely ruin all their wet tyres in practice only for it to rain on Sunday and then have themselves run the whole race on slicks.
62 mins - Hurrah! A car! Fernando Alonso heads out onto the sodden track in his Renault, followed by Jamie Alguersuari.
65 mins - Alonso...pits without setting a time. Algie...goes across the line! And will set a lap. "The rain is slower, but the rivers are longer," the Spaniard poetically shouts to his team over the radio.
67 mins - And Algie sets a 1:56.848 to storm to the top of the timesheets. Not a hugely dramatic lap, despite the sodden track. Literally in a class of one, is Algie, though Romain Grosjean is out on track as well.
70 mins - Grosjean doesn't set a time, and Algie pits too, after that single timed lap. Ho hum.
74 mins - There is an enormous river of water running across the track halfway around the lap, which probably isn't going to dry up no matter how much a dry line emerges. Alonso comes out of the garage, nails a quick practice start at the end of the pit lane, and comes out to try and challenge Algie's mighty session-topping time.
78 mins - Alonso goes P1 by an improbable 8.15 seconds from Alguersuari. That's put the youngster's lap time into some perspective. Grosjean is back out on track for a quick bimble, and Nick Heidfeld is joining the fun as well, as we get an unprecedented 3 cars on track at one time.
80 mins - It's hotting up now, and no mistake. Grosjean goes P2 behind Alonso, Heidfeld goes third, as Buemi, Nakajima, Kobayashi and Rosberg all join in the on track fun.
83 mins - Buemi goes 4th, Nakajima goes slower than Algie, which is a bit embarassing. Trulli, Webber, hamilton, Vettel and Kubica all coming out as well. Wahey! It's all been worth it!
85 mins - Nakas improves to second, splitting the Renaults, but is then bumped down by Trulli, who goes P2. Webber up to fourth and we now have 10 cars with times set and everyone save Kovalainen and the Brawn GP pair have ventured on to the track.
88 mins - Trulli has a bit of an off as the track remains very wet indeed. Sebby Bwemmy goes P1! But is then bumped off top spot by Nakas, then Hamilton goes top, and now Sutil is fastest! Lovely stuff. Though Dynamite seemed to set that time despite running well wide off the track at 130R. He may have that time deleted, to be honest.
90 mins - Vettel pops up to P2 right at the end, with Liuzzi improving to third. But nobody can top Sutil. Boom goes the Dynamite! That time he set is odd though, he's 0.662 seconds clear of everyone at the front. So the fastest line through 130R is through the runoff area then.
Final order - Sutil, Vettel, Liuzzi, Hamilton, Nakajima, Buemi, Alonso, Trulli, Alguersuari, Kubica, Raikkonen, Kobayashi, Webber, Grosjean, Fisichella, Rosberg, Heidfeld. None of Kovalainen, Button or Barrichello set a time.
Epilogue - So, today has been a complete waste of everyone's time really. Thank you to the hardy few who stayed with me through the rain, the internet connection failures and the lack of anything happening. Hopefully something vaguely interesting will happen tomorrow, though possibly not in FP3. Nevertheless, join The Hand for that if you can from 02.45 BST or thereabouts. I'm off for a hard-earned (in my humble etc) nap. Cheerio.
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