Dramatic Prologue (written before qualifying happened) - Picture the scene, in October 1998. At somesuch dreary UK track or other, a disarming young star with a slightly silly name wrapped up the British Formula Ford title, and went on to take victory in the annual Formula Ford Festival at Brands Hatch to boot. Later on that year he would win the McLaren Autosport Young Driver Award at the end of season awards bash, and sign a contract to race for Promatecme in British Formula Three. He was just over a year away from making his GP debut in a Formula One car. A new British And now, in October 2009, some 11 years and at least three shaves after that young man stood on the cusp of greatness, and a year after a man five years his junior came into F1 after him and then sort of acheived greatness before him, he finally has a chance to fulfil his ambition and clinch the F1 drivers championship. All he has to do is finish an insignificant-enough number of places behind his two rivals to ensure that he leaves Brazil with at least a 10 point championship lead. Sounds straightforward enough for a driver who was being compared to Ayrton Senna at a younger age than even Lewis Hamilton managed to be (). But then the way that this season has gone, nothing is straightforward.
I am, of course, talking about the F1 title dreams of Marc Hynes Jenson Button.
Extra Prologue (written after qualifying happened) - Despite what many have said, even when he was coining the phrase Boobens, even when he was moaning about being crap earlier this year, even when he finally went bald, I've always said that Rubens Barrichello was a very good driver. Honest.
16.35 BST - Barrichello won't have this all his on way this afternoon though. He's a couple of laps lighter than the likes of Webber, Sutil and Trulli behind him, so it's crucial that he keeps the lead at the start and gets himself a decent lead by the first stops. Otherwise complicated maths will come into play. Like this complicated maths, for example:
To summarise - If Barrichello wins, Button needs 3rd at least for the title. If Barrichello is second, Button needs 4th or 5th. If Barrichello is third, Button needs 6th or 7th. If Barrichello finishes 4th, Button needs 8th. If Barrichello finishes 5th or lower, Button is champion no matter what. I think all of that is right.
The BBC's approach to this - Is baffling. Throughout qualifying yesterday and the race buildup today, they're in a slightly schitzophrenic state of occasionally talking about the pressure on Button and how he's in real trouble, and then switch to talking as if Button is pretty much going to walk to the title comfortably and Barrichello doesn't exist. It's really really odd.
Weather-wise - The track is bone dry, after the apocalyptic conditions yesterday. According to some quick Googling, there is a 30% chance of rain in the next three hours. Barrichello seems confident of taking the win on the grid with Brundo, but so does chirpy Marky Mark Webbo. Apeing Nick Heidfeld's dubious language on the grid in Japan, I'm sure he just said that the race win would "depend on how the piss stops go".
7th June 2009 - The last time that Jenson Button led a lap of a Grand Prix. That statistic never gets less weird no matter how often you repeat it. 7th June!!!
16.45 BST - Anyone got any thoughts? Feel free to e-mail me and save me some typing keep me company. In keeping with the excitement of the occasion, Patty HQ is almost empty right now. The Elbow is about to leave me, and nobody else is around. This championship battle hasn't quite gripped us, as you can tell.
We're currently getting the Brazilian national anthem being sung through a dodgy PA system with, bizarrely, a full rock-out accompaniment on an electric guitar.
16.50 BST - In slightly interesting news, Button has apparently prepared for this race by banning himself from making the beast with two backs during this weekend to try and focus his mind. Incidentally, I've done a similar thing for this MBM. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
The points standings - Are all a little bit confusing, not least to me, but I'll try and keep that little banner at the top updated throughout the race with the points positions as they stand. Or else I'll get bored with doing it around the first pit stop window and just delete it.
The Elbow - "Kobayashi for the win!"
Formation lap - This could be very exciting then, with the McLarens with their KERS buttons coming through, Button and Vettel trying to climb back into contention, Barrichello trying to hold off Webber's tactical advantage. Here we goooooo!
Start - Great start from Barrichello! Raikkonen moves up and has a go for second into turn one, but goes wide! Oh and loads of crashes! Kovalainen is off at turn one and then there's an almighty coming together between Sutil and Trulli! Alonso is involved as well. Debris everywhere and the safety car is out. Mercy me.
Lap 1 - Race order: Barrichello, Webber, NICO!, Kubica, Buemi, Nakas, Kobayashi, Grosjean, Button, Algie. Trulli picks a fight with Sutil after the accident, which is amusing.
OH LORDY! - Kovalainen pits, takes the fuel hose with him and drenches Kimi (who had a broken front wing after contact with Webber) with fuel, that then sets on fire! Kimi goes through the flash fire and looks ok, but Kovy has a Massa-at-Singapore moment trying to get the fuel hose out at the end of the pit lane and loses buckets of time.
Lap 2 - Crazy start then. Sutil, Trulli and Alonso out, all caught up in that same incident, which happened when Trulli hung it out round the outside of the Sut, was forced wide and lost it on the grass, spearing back across into Sut and Alonso. He then picked a fight in a Piquet-on-Salazar manner with Sutil off track, though I'm not sure why. Sutil didn't really do anything wrong. Kimi is still going despite his chargrilling in the pits.
Lap 4 - Safety car still out. Button will be very happy with all of this. He's 9th, and Rubens is losing time to build a lead behind the silver Mercedes. Vettel is 11th, by-the-by.
Lap 5 - RESTART! Good restart by Barrichello to keep the lead, but Kubica nails Rosberg into turn one. Button gets a run at Grosjean into turn three, can't make it stick, and then the two of them run side-by-side through the next three turns, but Button nails him finally to take 8th. And then Button muscles Nakas out of 7th!
Lap 6 - I have to say, this is magic stuff from Button. He's fighting with Kobayashi for 6th now, as Vettel nips past Grosjean for 9th.
Lap 8 - Barrichello leads Webber by 1.8 seconds, Kubica catching the Red Bull in the fight for second. Button can't quite do Kobayashi at the moment, but it's not for want of trying. No way can you say he's being overly conservative with his driving this afternoon.
Lap 10 - Webber sets a new fastest lap to peg Barrichello's lead. Button still behind Kobayashi, he's having a look into turn one every lap, but can't quite make it stick. The KERS pair of Hamilton and Kovalainen are 11th and 12th. Flame-grilled Kimi is 14th.
Lap 11 - Vettel still 9th, Button still 6th. Kobayashi's having a brilliant weekend, all things considered. He's not getting spooked by having a championship leader poking him in the back one little bit.
Lap 12 - The problem for Button is that Kobayashi is dropping off 5th-placed Bwemmy at a rate of knots. There's a 4.3 second gap between the pair of them now. He's just dropped off the Toyota of Kobayashi a bit now. Barrichello leads by 2 seconds now, and Kubica is still harrying Webbo for second.
Lap 14 - Button's asked to use his "bias lever" into turn one. Is that code for James Allen? Kovalainen is under investigation for toasting Kimi in the pit lane. Boobens, Webbo, Kubby, Nico, Bwemmy, Keyser Soze, Button, Nakas, SebVet and Ickle is the top ten.
Lap 16 - Barrichello sets another fastest lap. He's looking serene in the lead right now. Button, after a couple of dour laps, has closed back up on Kobayashi in front of him. Incident involving Sutil and Trulli will be investigated after the race. I'm not sure if the "incident" means the crash, or the girly slappy fight afterwards.
Lap 18 - Trulli is interviewed on the BBC, and he's in a right funk about the crash. He reckons Sutil deliberately pushed him off, but Brundo reckons Sutil was avoiding the slowing, broken-winged Ferrari of Raikkonen and just took his racing line.
Lap 20 - Barrichello has the lead out to 2.7 seconds here, as we approach the first pit stop window. Heidfeld has pitted from 10th, as Button continues to have half-hearted looks at Kobayashi into the Senna S.
Lap 21 - And Barrichello pits! Big moment in the race this, as Webber sets a personal fastest lap time. Smart stop from the Brawn GP crew, though probably not quite as smart as the official timing of 4.1 seconds seemed to suggest. To highlight just how shagged Vettel's title hopes are, Barrichello comes out just ahead of the German, who is yet to pit, though Vettel goes round the outside of Barrichello! Nice move.
Lap 22 - Now Barrichello is fighting with Hamilton's KERS-ed McLaren. This isn't helping his race. Button nearly slips past Kobayashi at turn one...but he overshot and Kobayashi slipped back up the inside.
Lap 23 - Button moans about Kobayashi's blocking tactics over the radio. Kubica pits, and comes out...ahead of Barrichello! That is massive for the championship. Button finally passes Kobayashi! Big moments here.
Lap 24 - Kobayashi is an absolute weapon. He gets passed by Nakas, but forces his way back through in really heavy-handed circumstances into turn one.
Lap 25 - Webber pits, and emerges in the lead from Button in 2nd. Kobayashi 3rd, Vettel 4th, Kubica 5th and Barrichello 6th. The Brazilian is in a bit of trouble at the moment, being harried by Hamilton.
Lap 27 - Christ on a bike. Nico's car has expired. I hate everything.
Lap 28 - Apparently Heidfeld is out as well, having run out of fuel. Dunce. Webber, Button, Kobayashi, Vettel, Kubica, Barrichello, Hamilton, Kovalainen is the order. Both McLarens, by the by, fuelled up under the safety car and can run a long way into the race, which may well bring them into play.
Lap 29 - Button pits! And emerges just behind Buemi, who was a few seconds up the road earlier in the race. Gearbox the issue for Nico apparently. Kobayashi now pits, and Button will want to stay ahead of him, which he does.
Lap 31 - Big crash for Nakas! Absolute disaster for Williams. Woah! And it's Kobayashi being a complete moron again. The Toyota exited the pits, weaved across into Nakajima's path to block him and the Williams took off over the back tyre, sending him into a nasty impact with the tyres. Nakas is ok, but I doubt he'll have too many platitudes for his fellow Japanese man after the race. That was dismal driving from Kobayashi.
Lap 33 - Breathless stuff from this race. Easliy the best grand prix for a good long while. Button stabs one down the inside of Buemi into turn one to take 8th! Buemi gives Button's rear suspension a bit of a tap, but there shouldn't be too much damage from that.
Lap 34 - Right now, as things stand, Button would end with a ten point gap on Barrichello that he needs to maneuvre the Brazilian out of the title race. But Vettel is second, and going very quickly. Can the German move himself back into contention?
Lap 37 - Vettel pits from second and comes out just behind Button. That fight might get a bit fruity. So Webber leads from Kubica, Barrichello, Hamlton, Raikkonen(?), Button, Vettel and Buemi. As things stand, Button is world champion.
Lap 40 - Webber leads by 6.3 seconds. This is a fab drive from the Aussie, in amongst all the title talk. Kubica leads Barrichello by 6.3 seconds as well, and the Brazilian is in real trouble fighting with Hamilton at the moment.
Lap 42 - Boobens is well off the pace of the top two at the moment. Button is under a bit of pressure from Vettel. Oh, this will help Barrichello, as Hamilton pits to get off his back. Good stop from McLaren, and I'm not sure he'll need to stop again, but woah! He nearly completes a DC-esque crash in the pits, just keeping it together in the long pit exit. Crikey!
Lap 43 - Raikkonen now pits for the last time, and sticks on some super-softs, which are allegedly only working for Ferrari this weekend. If he can make them last for 28 laps, then that's pretty impressive, given how little the other teams want to use them. That promotes Button to 4th, Vettel to 5th.
Lap 45 - Grey clouds on the horizon. That'll make things fun. Button is asked to throw in some 1:14.4 laps to keep ahead of Hamilton when the pit stops shake out. Kubby pits from second and switches to super soft tyres. The Pole emerges just ahead of Button. Hmm, a British title contender, fighting with Kubica, with Vettel right behind him. We've seen this somewhere before, I'm sure.
Lap 48 - Barrichello is 2nd now, but 16.5 seconds behind Webber. The win has gone, realistically, weather or retirements notwithstanding. Button still under pressure from Vettel, but is comfortably champion at the moment.
Race order: Webber, Barrichello, Kubica, Button, Vettel, Buemi, Hamilton, Make-you-crash-i, Kovalainen, Raikkonen.
Lap 50 - Button is not doing 1:14.4s as requested, and will struggle to beat Hamilton at this rate. Barrichello pits! Super-softs for him as well, and he comes out between Buemi and Hamilton.
Lap 51 - Jamie Alguersuari is "well out of the championship picture", according to Jonathan Legard.
Lap 52 - Webber pits from the lead. Good stop, and he should easily keep the lead...and he does. Nice work Marky Mark. To think that The Foot is missing this.
Lap 53 - Five seconds is the new gap at the front. Button still not doing the pace he needs to beat Hamilton, but assuming Barrichello finishes 3rd, Button can afford to lose a place to Vettel AND Hamilton and still clinch the title. I think.
Lap 55 - Button pits! Here we go! very slick stop (no pun intended) and he comes out ahead of Kovalainen, but loses the place to the Finn! That may have just been a big move for the championship, but I can't make my brain work to decide if it was. Vettel pits now! And he comes out...ahead of Button! Let me try and figure out what this all means. Button is 7th, he's still the champion. I THINK.
Lap 58 - Barrichello is 12.8 seconds behind Kubica. Button harrying Kovalainen, who apparently has to pit again anyay. If he does, that's an incredibly stupid strategy.
Lap 59 - "Happy days!" says a totally impartial Martin Brundle, as Kovalainen peels in for his silly last stop. So Button is now world champ, assuming Barrichello can't somehow improve his place from 3rd.
Lap 61 - Ten laps to go between the ginger starlet in the Brawn and his first world championship. Barrichello is absolutely rooted here, he's got Hamilton all over him, and Hamilton goes through into turn one! That looks like Barrichello's title hopes well and truly gone for a Burton.
Lap 62 - Well, if Barrichello's race wasn't run by Hamilton's pass, it is now, as the team tell him he has a puncture! He's having to pit!!! That is the championship done, right there. The home fans will be distraught. Boobens's dad is still grinning inanely in the pits though. Does he have any idea what's going on? I mean generally?
Lap 64 - So then, it's not quite the last minute drama of last year, but does look like the Brazilian GP will see a champion crowned for the fifth year in a row. And to be fair to Button, he has driven absolutely splendidly today.
Lap 65 - As, let's not forget, has Mark Webber, who is 9 seconds up the road in the lead of this one, let's not forget. Kubica still second, Hamilton 3rd, Vettel 4th, Button, Raikkonen, Bwemmy(!!!) and Barrichello the rest of the top eight.
Lap 67 - Blimey, Kobayashi has another ballsy move into turn one to elbow Fisichella out of 10th place. This race has shown that Kobayashi is either the greatest driver ever or a dangerous moron. There is no middle ground.
Lap 68 - John Button, wannabe owner of a dodgy Soho gentleman's club, looks nervy in the pits. He shouldn't be. Only an act of God can stop Button now. And Nico retired ages ago. Chortle.
Lap 70 - One lap to go. Webber's so far in the lead he could push it home.
Lap 71 - Mark Webber wins the Brazilian Grand Prix! Brilliant drive for the Aussie. And JENSON BUTTON IS THE WORLD CHAMPION OF 2009!!!!!! What a race.
Button Error - He sings "We Are The Champions" over the pit radio, adding a cringey, David Brent aura to his slowing-down lap.
Final Result - Webber, Kubica, Hamilton, Vettel, Button, Raikkonen, Buemi, Barrichello, Kovalainen, Greatest Driver Ever, Fisichella, Liuzzi, Grosjean, Alguersuari.
18.40 BST - Barrichello, lovely man that he is, is the first man to congratulate Button in parc ferme. The Brawn GP pairing is almost nauseatingly friendly. But then I'm probably just bitter because I'll never know true friendship as I'm so fundamentally unloveable.
As everyone cheers Button in, poor Webbo is left standing on the podium shouting for attention. "Oi, ya flamin' gallahs! I won the bloody thing!" he seems to say. He gets presented with the worst winners trophy EVER.
18.45 BST - "That was such an awesome race...I'm world champion baby!" Button screams to Lee McKenzie on the BBC. He's cheered himself hoarse by the sounds of it.
Brawn GP have also wrapped up the constructors championship, of course. But they'd sort of won that already. Ross says Ted that "It'll take a while to sink in". And then he has a little cry. The big baby.
18.50 BST - Christian Horner pays tribute to both Button and race winner Mark Webber on the BBC. Eddie Jordan continues to talk nonsense. I honestly don't know how DC has got through this season without lamping Eddie on camera. I can only assume the cameraman has a picture of some kittens on standby at crucial moments.
18.55 BST - Vettel is unhappy. "That was the maximum we could do today. Without the problems in quali, we could have won today, but we didn't," he points out, somewhat uselessly. Still, at least he can have a shave now.
BBC Montage Fail - A run through all the British champions culminates with a caption for 2009 champion "Enson Button".
Epilogue - I think we'll call it a day on this MBM then. The BBC is becoming too smug to describe. Congratulations to Jenson Button and Brawn GP. He's been middling for most of the second half of the season, but today he put in a smashing drive, all things considered. Can't really argue with that, to be fair. Thank you for your company throughout the weekend, and we'll be back for the super special and now entirely meaningless end of season fun from Abu Dhabi's "twilight" race in two week's time. Cheerio!
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