Prologue - Morning everyone, and welcome to this absolutely crucia...ah, I'm not really going to fool anyone with that, am I? Yes, this weekend, and this session in particular, represents what in many ways is a microcosm of our own lives, i.e. literally everything that is about to happen is fundamentally meaningless. And all we can really do is grit our teeth, smile as plausibly as possible, and act as it in some way it actually is earth-shatteringly significant.
Still, to quote from one of my favourite chat-up lines: it might be quite fun. Don't leave me just yet.
While you wait - For this possibly maybe a bit fun session to start, why not watch this, sent to me by The Foot just this morning. In which a Formula 3-vintage Alexander Wurz brake tests the safety car. With hilarious consequences! The ROFLometer readings are off the scale, Ray!
08.55 GMT - This is, of course, a slightly significant weekend for a number of reasons. For a start, we all have to remember to type GMT and not BST now the clocks have gone back, in order to make it slightly less depressingly dark in the morning, but slightly more depressingly dark in the evening. And secondly, of course, we are at F1's latest brand-new Tilkedrome in Abu Dhabi, so this session represents a first chance to familiarise ourself with the dull and featureless unique surroundings of another new F1 circuit.
0 mins - We're underway! First car through the funky-looking pit lane exit tunnel thingy is none other than Two Time Grand Prix Winner Mark Webber(TM), off for an installation lap in his Red Bull. Plenty more follow him around this street track, and predictably, it looks about as street as I would if I wore a baseball cap backwards.
2 mins - Well. Well, well. Now I've seen everything. Nick Heidfeld, Adrian Sutil, Tonio Liuzzi and Robert Kubica all set off on proper flying laps. At the start of first practice. Mercy me. They'll be overtaking next!
5 mins - Scrap that. What those four in fact did was do two installation laps. The silly beggars. So everyone's back in the pits. SebVet moans over his pit radio that the track is very slippery, but that for sure it will improve when the cars start running. For sure.
Breaking news from Ted - Bernie Ecclestone says that Silverstone have now got the best offer they're ever going to get from him for 2010, and that it's the best deal for any race on the calendar. T-minus an hour or so before the BRDC release a statement saying "Ooooh, it's too much money, we're just a poor, impoverished bunch of rich men in posh suits, pity us, love us, hate Bernie, BRITISH GP IN CRISIS!".
12 mins - Jamie Alguersuari is back out for another crawl around the track. Time from the start of the practice coverage to the point where a text got read out by David Croft that contained a gushing platitude about Anthony Davidson and how he's the bestest driver ever and should definitely have a drive for 2010 = 10 minutes.
15 mins - Algie slithers wide halfway round his first lap, presumably dozing off from the blandness of the track already, but sets the first ever timed F1 lap of the track with a 1:55.624. Which is about three seconds slower than the GP2 Asia guys managed during their test last weekend.
17 mins - It's a private test session for Algie at the moment. He's still lapping and knocking chunks out of his lap time during every tour. A 1:50.886 is now his top lap, and he just had another mini-off on his next tour.
20 mins - A 1:49.545 now for Algie. Mercifully, Sebby Bwemmy and Romain Grosjean (my personal tip in the sweepstake of who will crash into the pit lane wall first) join the track to prevent me from having to watch Alguersuari any more.
23 mins - Tonio Liuzzi is asked if he likes the track by Ted, and tellingly, he praises the facilities and the paddock and the like, rather than the actual track which is the ruddy reason we're watching this not the hotels arrrrrgh. Bwemmy puts in a 1:50.961 on his first lap, and Fat John sets a 1:54.253. Which is rubbish.
26 mins - To great amusement, the BBC play the audio from yesterday's hi-bloody-larious press conference. Trulli actually sounds demented. Apparently he's been spotted clutching his dossier of evidence and stalking into the stewards room this morning. To quote Howard Moon: he's gone wrong.
30 mins - Oh, sorry, the times. Bwemmy has gone top on a 1:48.373, from Algie and Fat John. Both Fisichella and Rosberg are out as well and are slowly improving their own times. The TV pictures focus on a helicopter landing somewhere around the outfield. Yes, it's that exciting.
34 mins - Fisi runs a bit wide at turn one, onto the baffling amalgamation of astroturf, concrete and paint that passes for the run-off areas here. Buemi still top, now on a 1:47.207, from Rosberg, Fat John and Algie. Kimi is out on track, as is Keyser Soze in Glock's Toyota.
38 mins - Sebby B is looking pretty handy out there, he's nearly a second ahead of the rest of the field at the moment. Webbo, Nakas and Ickle Heidfeld have all joined the fun. Bwemmy's not a second clear any more, as Kobayashi moves up into second, 0.12 seconds behind the Toro Rosso.
45 mins - Loads of times being set now. The Red Bull pair have gone first and second, Vettel ahead of Webber. Nakas goes 3rd, ahead of Kubica, Rosberg and Kobayashi. To prove just how many time shave been set, Bwemmy is now down in 12th, and he was top a few minutes ago. Brilliantly, Anthony Davidson is struggling to tell one corner from another.
48 mins - The McLarens have crashed the Red Bull party, a bit. Kovalainen goes P2 and Hamilton goes P4. And now Kubica goes 3rd, and Trulli, taking time out from waving screenshots in people's faces, goes 5th.
50 mins - So, the track then. I'm no Tilke-basher by any great stretch. I love Turkey and Malaysia, and even have a soft spot for China (it's got a banked corner!!!). But this place just isn't doing it for me. There's really nothing that stands out at all. I'm sure it's a good challenge for the drivers, Tilke tracks always are, but it's also a bit of a challenge to watch. Which can't be a good thing.
53 mins - Button has had a spin! In turn 18, apparently. The car just swapped ends, no real drama, and he's won the title already, so he's probably not really concentrating. Hamilton now quickest, from Vettel, Kovalainen, Kubica, Webber, Trulli, Nakas, Alonso, Rosberg and Spinny Button.
55 mins - Anthing one Brawn can do, the other can do slightly less well. Boobens makes a cock of the same corner that Button spun at, and coasts wide, just avoiding the barriers as he does so. Whoopsie. Kobayashi has also had a spin at turn eight (according to David Croft) or turn four or maybe turn six or seven (according to Anthony Davidson).
60 mins - Nobody really improving. I've just noticed that Adrian Sutil hasn't set a time yet. No idea what that's about. I've also noticed that Fisi is 18th. LOL!
63 mins - Webbo pops up into third. Brake problems are Dynamite's problem, apparently. Trulli's probably stuffed some photos in there.
65 mins - Webber goes P1! As meanwhile, Fisi runs wide. He is up in 12th though, three places ahead of his team mate, ol' Big Hat.
68 mins - Davidson has a proud British moment. "Britain has the best marshals, the best drivers, the best teams," he shouts while beating his chest. Yeah! Like Fernando Al....erm, like Ferra....erm.
71 mins - Button has finally woken up and goes P1. Heidfeld, implausibly, sets the fastest first sector of anyone, but fails over the course of the rest of the lap, summing up his career to date quite neatly. Button, Webber, Hamilton, Kubica, Trulli, Kovalainen, Vettel, Heidfeld, Rosberg, Nakajima is the top ten. Ferrari look woeful.
74 mins - The Elbow, the usual Friday practice MBMer here on Patty, has taken the laudable stance of skiving from work just a week or so into his new career to send me an e-mail: "Can I just say hello to my fan and apologise for not being able to terry today. Also, death to Tilke (although I like Turkey too)." I'd like to follow that thought by apologising to The Elbow's fan for being able to terry today.
77 mins - While I was momentarily distracted by the shocking sight of seeing an e-mail in my inbox, Lewis Hamilton went top of the timesheets, just ahead of Jenson Button. Heidfeld is now third, somehow, ahead of Webber and DYNAMITE SUTIL!
80 mins - The Red Bulls are getting some TV coverage, which is being hyperactively and confusingly edited so we're cutting from Webber to Vettel and back again, which is making it impossible to really tell who is who. Webber doesn't improve his 5th place, but Vettel leaps up to 4th, and Barrichello has gone third.
85 mins - Nobody's chancing the softer tyre on this track yet. Alonso comes across a dawdling Brawn on his latest lap and backs off to make a gap. 1:40 or thereabouts was the predicted lap time here, but obviously it's taking time to rubber this virginal track in, and Hamilton's session-topper is only a 1:43.939. Everyone bar the 2008 champ and Two Time Grand Prix Winner Mark Webber(TM) is out on track now, as we meander towards the end of the session.
87 mins - A completely impartial English texter decides that it is crucial that he informs David Croft that the best drivers this season in his humble etc have been Button and Hamilton. Which is nonsense. It's been Buemi and Rosberg.
90 mins - Last few laps going in. Sutil improves to 6th, Vettel is on a hot one, but messes up the final sector and goes 3rd. And Button has started a personal best, but falls down in the rest of the lap and stays second. Hamilton fastest then. Algie(!) finishes 9th(!). Bwemmy(!) finishes 6th(!).
Final order - Hamilton, Button, Vettel, Barrichello, Heidfeld, Buemi, Sutil, Webber, Alguersuari, Trulli, Kubica, Kovalainen, Rosberg, Nakajima, Raikkonen, Alonso, Liuzzi, Fisichella, Kobayashi, Grosjean.
Epilogue - So, initial thoughts: Brawn are looking handier than normal. McLaren and Red Bull as well. Ferrari and Renault are looking completely plod. And this circuit is a nonsense. Thanks to all two of you for keeping me company for this pointlessness, and I'll be back from 12.40 GMT or thereabouts with the second practice session. Hurrah!
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