Prologue - Hello again. We're about to get going again in Abu Dhabi, and with me now refreshed, revitalised and full up of bacon, I'm feeling happy enough to maybe give this track a second chance to impress. From what we saw in FP1 this morning, it just looked very dull. Yes, the buildings were lovely, the pit lane tunnel was wackier than Romain Grosjean making balloon animals and the drivers seem to have a bit of a challenge on their hands to extract the most out of a lap, but it just looks very very boring. If this track was a singer, it would be Michael Buble. But, as I say, let's give it a second chance.
12.55 GMT - Sir Jackie Stewart is in the BBC commentary box!! Prepare for endless moaning about the British Grand Prix!! Hurrah!! Will a BBC texter chance their arm and ask whether Jackie is aiming for a drive in 2010?
0 mins - Session is go! And....nothing has happened. Oh, here we go, Jamie Alguersuari and Nico Rosberg lead the first gaggle of cars out onto track, through "the tunnel", which looks a bit like the inside of a new multi-storey car park, before it gets covered in discarded fast food wrappers and urine.
2 mins - Sir Jackie describes the facilities in Abu Dhabi as being "like Disneyworld". I'll not insult your intelligence with a "Mickey Mouse circuit" gag.
4 mins - With this session being run at the same time the GP will kick off, the floodlights are on in preparation for the fall of night. In a move that would be new and exciting and unique were it not for the existence of Singapore. Nico goes quickest early on from Vettel, Algie and Grosjean.
6 mins - Buemi now storms to top spot, from his team mate and Heidfeld. Button goes 4th. Only Kobayashi and Liuzzi are yet to take to the track.
8 mins - Brilliantly, there's a massive glaring burst of low sunlight at the exit of the last corner, which I'm sure the drivers will moan about after the session. Kovalainen goes quickest, as his team mate Hamilton has a bit of a moment at one of the hairpin corners. I'd tell you which one if I knew.
10 mins - Action-packed start to the session, with the live timing shuffling about all over the place. Kubica currently fastest from Kovalainen, Algie, Bwemmy and Sutil. And in the time it's taken me to type that, Hamilton goes quickest. Nakajima complains about wind over the pit radio. Cue childish giggles from the sofa here at Patty HQ.
12 mins - Dynamite Sutil absolutely mullers his front left tyre with a big lock-up which ends in a graceful spin onto the garish run-off area. He dithers about across a lot more of run off but finally gets going. And he's complaining about brake issues, which is what blighted his morning session.
15 mins - Buemi now up in second, the Toro Rosso is looking very useful here, it has to be said. Button moves up to third. Webber is yet to set a time, which will anger The Foot. And now Bwemmy goes P1! Huzzah!
17 mins - Bwemmy is leathering it at the moment, he beats his own session-topper to extend his advantage. A 1:42.143 is already nearly two seconds quicker than the fastest morning time. Algie hanging on in 6th as well. Trulli is moaning on the pit radio about shadows off his "windscreen". Take a photo Jarno, it'll last longer. Or something.
20 mins - To put Buemi's time into perspective, only Hamilton in second is within a second of him. Boobens now third, Kobayashi(??) fourth and Button down to fifth. It's quietened down on track at the moment, though Webber has started lapping, and is currently 10th.
24 mins - Kobayashi moves up to 3rd. Jackie Stewart predicts a 1:41 lap "at some point", which is hardly the boldest of predictions. Webber now moves up into 7th. The Ferrari pair of Fisichella and Raikkonen are currently 19th and 20th, and driving like a pair who don't really care about their team any more.
27 mins - Webber now up to fourth, as Button comes back out on the softer tyres, which the teams have largely ignored until now. Someone texts the BBC to ask where the overtaking opportunities are at the Yas Marina track. Annoyingly, the TV director misses a trick to switch to a shot of the pit lane.
30 mins - What are Ferrari playing at? Still last and second-last are their pair of drivers, and that's having both just set personal best times. Nobody is getting anywhere near Buemi's earlier fast time. Top ten remains: Sebby B, Hammy, Keyser Soze, Webbo, Boobens, Trulli, Nakas, Our Jense, Algie and Ickle.
32 mins - Hamilton complains about his bum getting hot. Jackie Stewart shouts "There's Felipe Massa!....And Michael Schumacher!" at a shot of the Ferrari pit wall, sounding as surprised as if he'd just seen the face of the Virgin Mary in a slice of toast. Button goes P2 ahead of Vettel, Hamilton and Webber. Kimi has finally got a Ferrari out of the bottom two, by going a magnificent 17th.
35 mins - The Elbow is back! E-mailing to say "If the Rookie of the Year carries on in this vein then surely he’s got TUF1WCIAWCC virtually sewn up! If it can’t be Nando then I’d love it to be Bwemmy." I, of course, can't predict Nico who will win Nico TUF1WCIAWCC this Nico season. We'll have to Nico wait and Nico see.
I've fixed my typo - And I've no idea who the "Virgin Mark" is. Poor guy.
38 mins - Hamilton finally ousts the Rookie of the Year from top spot with the 1:41 lap that Sir Jackie bravely predicted all of about ten minutes ago. And Vettel goes second to bump the Swiss man down to 3rd. Fisichella's now 12th, despite, or perhaps because of, skating off the track at some corner or another.
40 mins - Oh BMW. Robert Kubica has crawled to a stop with a terminal-looking engine problem. Doesn't really matter does it, with them off after this race. Burn the engines! Burn them all!
43 mins - Kovalainen makes it a McLaren 1-2 by popping in just behind Hamilton, and Buemi has moved back ahead of Vettel. Maurice Hamilton on the Beeb applies the theory that there will be more overtaking once they ban refuelling because drivers won't be able to just wait for the pit stops to pass, which is a dubious argument that relies on presuming that every driver on the current grid is just a lazy so-and-so.
45 mins - The track is a bit quiet now, so we're getting replays of people running wide. Hamilton has been off again, as has Nakas. Every time a car runs a bit wide, Sir Jackie chirps "Oops!" over the footage, which is quite funny.
48 mins - This track looks a lot better at night than in the day. A lot. Sutil is back on track, nervily toddling about in a car whose brakes seem to have a mind of their own today. If he can actually hook together some decent running, he might be a contender this weekend. Hamilton, Kovy, Buemi, Boobens, Vettel, Raikkonen(?), Button, Nico, Kobayashi and Webbo is the top ten.
50 mins - Just when I thought they wouldn't get around to it, Maurice Hamilton asks Sir Jackie about the British GP. The Scot moans at length about money, and tradition and how the British GP must be secured at any cost etc etc. He suggests that Silverstone needs an entrepreneur. There's an idea, take it on Dragon's Den! Imagine Duncan Bannatyne saying "This is where I am, Copse corner is a bit overrated and your bogs don't work. For that reason, I'm out".
53 mins - The track is packed at the moment, but nobody is really improving. In the pit lane, Holly Samos is asking a female Shell employee about lubricants. I'm....probably not going to write what I just thought.
57 mins - The Hand has e-mailed too! "Thank you BBC for that illegal Shell advert you just streamed into my ear," he sarcastically exposits. Yes, the BBC just completed a five minute interview investigating the enviable glamour of being a chemical process engineer for a major multinational oil conglomerate. For legal reasons, I should point out that other major multinational oil conglomerates are available.
60 mins - Vettel improves to fourth, but I think everyone's concentrating on long runs at the moment, because nobody's really going that quick. Renault have replaced Ferrari as the LOLtastic failures of the session so far. Alonso 18th and Grosjean is 20th, and spectacularly still slower than Kubica, who parked his knackered BMW about half an hour ago.
65 mins - Having said all that about long runs, we've suddenly got purple times on the leaderboard. Vettel purples the first sector, but makes a cack of the middle sector and pits, while Hamilton purples the middle sector, but makes a cack of the last sector and doesn't improve. Jackie Stewart is now listing all the sorts of accident that can happen. In summary: planes, trains, ships and buses can all crash.
68 mins - Fat John has finally dragged himself up to 19th, Alonso has gone 15th. Kimi has a hairy moment on his latest lap, running wide and utilising another section of garishy painted run-off. Holly Samos is with Kubica. "Can you hear me ok?" she asks. "Pardon?" he guffaws in reply.
70 mins - Hamilton improves slightly on his own fast time with a 1:41.504. The predicted 1:40s are looking a bridge slightly too far at the moment. Jackie Stewart refers to Kubica as "Roberto".
75 mins - Not much happening. Bwemmy still gamely hanging on in 5th, and less than two tenths of a second cover Hamilton in P1 and Webber in P6. Sir Jackie Stewart owns a Range Rover.
78 mins - Kobayashi moves from nowhere to third, as the Japanese madman has another strong showing. He's nine places and nearly eight tenths of a second ahead of his crazy team mate, crazy Jarno Trulli. He so crazy.
81 mins - Webbo is all over the place on his latest lap. Nico is in the pits having a "weight distribution change". His weight is distributed perfectly, if you ask me.
84 mins - Button moves up to fifth. We get an onboard lap with Heikki Kovalainen, and Maurice Hamilton gets in a muddle trying to count the corners. Heikki's entry into "turn twenty thr...twent...twenty one" was particularly good.
87 mins - And now Button goes up to 2nd place, to restore the British 1-2 that we had in FP1. Raikkonen just nibbles into the top ten in 10th. This is getting a bit boring.
90 mins - Kovalainen goes P1! As Vettel gets blocked by a Ferrari. Can anyone top the Finn's efforts? Doesn't look like it. So a smash and grab top time from Kovalainen to ruin the British symmetry, but establish a McLaren 1-2. If a Macca doesn't win the race on Sunday, I'll eat a Relentless sandwich.
Final order in nickname form - Heikki, Hammy, Our Jense, SebVet, Keyser Soze, Bwemmy, Australiasmarkwebber, Boobens, Nico, Kimi, Dynamite, Nakas, Ickle, Crazy Jarno, Chubby Liuzzi, Lolonso, Fisi, Fat John, Algie, Bobby K.
Epilogue - So, that was fun. And that's Friday practice over with for 2009. The McLarens look to be the car to beat, but Brawn and Red Bull look strong as well. Renault are a nonsense. I'm off to watch Murder, She Wrote. Join The Hand (I think) for the final practice session tomorrow morning from 10 am. Cheerio!
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