Prologue - Hello there. Pointless things are, by their very definition, not really worth caring about. Things like Kaliber, monthly performance reviews, Giancarlo Fisichella, video conferences, Twitter, freesheet newspapers, caffeine-free instant coffee, series five of Peep Show, toast, my chat-up technique, fax machines, iPhones, lap-by-lap reports typed on a website with a readership on race day of less than three people, ready salted crisps, Windows Vista, The X Factor, Andrei Voronin, Halloween, carbon offsetting and Ari Vatanen. All entirely pointless, and yet sometimes, highly entertaining. So here we are, ready for the Abu Dhabi GP, the first truly pointless grand prix since the end of 2005, hoping, praying and expecting that it will follow in that long and not-so-proud list and provide us with some genuine, F1 in 2009 on-track entertainment. Because lord knows something has to.Or maybe that's a bit unfair. This season has been entertaining for many reasons. Take Patty HQ for example. The Foot is happy because Mark Webber finally has some race wins, even if his ability to attract dodgy luck remains. I'm happy because Nico Rosberg has had his most successful (points-wise) career to date, even if his ability to not win stuff remains. And The Elbow and The Hand are happy because Fernando Alonso has finally sorted out the details of that Ferrari contract, even if his ability to potentially cause a fight with a highly-rated team mate and end up coming crying back to Renault after a year may remain.
So we're all happy, it's just we would like a proper on-track fun for once this season. Brazil delivered that to an extent, but with the championship gloves now well and truly off and in the posession of Brawn GP and Jenson Button, dare we dream that this race is a proper, all-guns-blazing fight to the finish between Red Bull, Brawn and the McLaren not driven by a Finnish journeyman? Well I for one dare to dream that dream, so stick with us on Patty as we see that dream unravel over the next 55 laps of probable tedium.
12.40 GMT - So, Lewis Hamilton starts this one from pole position, having absolutely dominated the weekend to date. But he might have missed a bit of a trick fuel-wise. Such was the margin of his pole lap yesterday, he could easily have afforded to go a bit heavier than he has, but he didn't. And so that means that both Sebastian Vettel and Mark Webber behind him have slightly better fuel strategies. Which will likely be unimportant given that he will KERS himself down to turn one, and then be able to build up a big enough lead to keep him in front after the first stops, but hey, it's something.
Five words - Eddie. Jordan. On. The. Gridwalk. It's too awful to describe.
12.50 BST - Martin Brundle and David Coulthard seem to have spent literally a month of their lives racing around the Yas Marina track in two-seater cars, if the number of features based around it are to be believed. Their verdict: The hotels are lovely.
12.55 BST - "There has never been a circuit like this", Jonathan Legard gushes in his introduction. Yeah, a new-build street track hosting a GP running under floodlights, this has never happened before.
An e-mail - Hurrah! Regular Patty e-mailing man Yase Hage screams: "Last race of the season! I'm praying for a Vettel win. Fernando for TUF1WC..... champion!" If anyone's going to beat Hamilton today, Vettel is probably the best bet, with two extra laps of fuel on the McLaren for the first stint. And as I said on Friday, the race to Nico be TUF1WCIAWCC champion Nico is still Nico wide open.
Formation lap away - Everyone is on the harder tyre for their first stint, so expect super-long middle stints from the top ten, because the softer compound doesn't look that great on long stints, as is traditional.
Start - Very straightforward start, Hamilton leads Vettel away. Bit of a touch between Webbo and Barrichello into turn one, but nothing too bad. Hamilton then messes up the first hairpin, but KERSes his way clear of Vettel. Kubica muscles his way past Trulli in his super-light BMW.
Lap 1 - Button skates past Barrichello somewhere, race order is Hamilton, Vettel, Webber, Button, Barrichello, Kubica, Trulli, Heidfeld, Rosberg, Buemi.
Lap 2 - Boobens may have damaged his front wing in that little nudge on Webber, because his pace is plod at the moment. Kubica now harrying the Brazilian. Hamilton sets a new fast lap but is only 0.8 seconds ahead of Vettel at the front.
Lap 3 - Yep, big chunks of Barrichello's wing came off his front wing. Webber had a decent save from the tap as well. Button close behind the Aussie now in the fight for third. Alonso has moved up from 16th to 18th.
Lap 5 - Barrichello has stepped his pace up. Intriguingly, Hamilton is not dropping Vettel at the rate of knots that we were all expecting. This is already a bit boring.
Lap 6 - Ok, for no reason at all, we just got a 3D computer-generated snapshot of the cars order as they went through turn one. I've got literally no idea what the point of that was. Or indeed why a still shot of the actual footage wouldn't have sufficed.
Lap 7 - Webber's come to the party after a slow start, banging in the quickest lap of the race so far, and Vettel is still only 1.5 seconds behind Hamilton. This is starting to become Vettel's race to lose. Button has dropped right off the back of Webber in fourth.
Lap 8 - The Foot spots that the Brawns in 4th and 5th are now the quickest machines. This is intriguing stuff between the top five right now. It's top-quality motor racing, in a stratospherically dull way.
Lap 9 - The Ferrari heavies on the pit wall, Michael Schumacher and Felipe Massa, struggle to contain their excitement as the Ferrari machines continue to run 12th and 16th. Hamilton now grabs the fastest lap, and has extended the lead to 1.7 seconds. Ted reckons he needs 5 seconds advantage for his stop, so at this rate he could lose out to both Vettel and Webber.
Lap 11 - Oh, Hamilton skates wide in the final sector, and that's pretty much ruined his hopes of the race win. "The battle has been joined," says Legard, for the 4,357th time in 2009.
Lap 12 - In the absence of anything at all happening on this lap, here's the race order again (it hasn't changed): Hamilton, Vettel, Webber, Button, Barrichello, Kubica, Trulli, Heidfeld, Rosberg, Buemi.
Lap 14 - Brundle, getting confused in his old age, describes "Jenson in the McLaren" leading this race. Well whoever it is in the car, he won't be leading for much longer. Vettel 1.2 seconds behind, and Webber is now within 2.8 seconds of the lead. Pit stops approaching, in fact Kubica should be in next time by.
Lap 16 - Barrichello pits, as does Kubby. They both negotiate the tunnel without "doing a Coulthard".
Lap 17 - Hamilton and Button pit next time by, so Vettel now leads. Hamilton has a bit of clear air, but Button is only just ahead of Kobayashi, who we know is absolutely mental. And he has a go at Button! Button goes defensive, but runs too deep and Kobayashi is through!
Lap 18 - Webbo pits, but it's not the best stop and the Red Bull comes out behind the McLaren. McLaren radio Hamilton to tell him he might have a brake problem.
Lap 19 - Vettel pits and takes the lead by miles. Algie's car is knackered. He also managed to drive into Vettel's pit box by mistake.
Lap 20 - Epic McLaren fail. Hamilton is pitting again and he looks set to retire. Into the garage for the #1 McLaren! The BBC team can't quite comprehend Hamilton is retiring. "What's going on?" Ted screams from the pits, "What's going on?" Legard reiterates.
Lap 21 - So then, Hamilton won't be winning this one. Vettel leads by 6 seconds from Webber, and the yet-to-stop Keyser Soze is up in third place. Race order: Vet, Web, Kob, But, Bar, Rai, Kov, Hei, Tru, Kub. The whole top ten have now made their first stops.
Lap 23 - Webber's pace is not great at the moment, and Vettel is looking serene at the head of the field. 11th placed Nico is told to take some risks in his pursuit of Kubica and Trulli ahead of him.
Lap 25 - Vettel leads, bla, bla, Webber second, bla, bla, Times close, bla, bla, Nothing happening, bla, bla.
Lap 26 - According to Ted, Algie's boo boo in the pits, driving into Vettel's pit box by mistake, then caused him to go back out on track and run out of fuel, which is why he retired. A superb amount of fail from the young Spaniard. And to think The Foot was advocating turfing him out of Patty's favourite driver list in favour of Kobayashi.
Lap 27 - THIS IS ABSOLUTELY BLOODY AWFUL! I AM SO BORED! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!
Lap 28 - Fisichella pits. Is that news? Apparently, Algie had a gearbox problem, rather than a lack of fuel, which is the reason he retired. More fantastic investigative reporting from Ted "I make it up as I go along" Kravitz.
Lap 29 - Now Kimi pits from 7th. Fisichella, adding a further level of lustre to his "I drove for Ferrari once you know son" future anecdotes, has picked up a drive-through penalty for speeding in the pit lane.
Lap 31 - Yase Hage is back on the e-mail, dispensing kindly website design advice and adding: "Vettel leading by miles. Yay!" He certainly does, 9.8 seconds the gap from Vettel to Webber, with Button 21.8 seconds further back. Kobayashi pitted a lap ago to leave the champ in third place. Other pit stops have happened as well, but they've all been irrelevent.
Lap 33 - Vettel, Webber, Button, Barrichello, Heidfeld, Trulli, Kubica, Rosberg is the top eight. Alonso overtakes Kobayashi for 10th. And then immediately pits for his only stop to drop back down to 39th place.
Lap 36 - Vettel now 10.4 seconds in the lead. Barrichello and Heidfeld closing up on Button. Dynamite Sutil passes Liuzzi for not-last place.
Lap 38 - It's far too early for a competitive final pit stop, so Williams have called Nico in! I have my reservations about Nico moving elsewhere for 2010, but I certainly won't miss the Williams team's spectacularly hapless approach to pit strategy.
Lap 40 - The Foot won't be happy. Webber's been getting slightly destroyed on pace in this stint, and he's been lighter on fuel as well, as he pits for the last time this year. And he rejoins right behind Trulli in 6th place.
Lap 41 - Barrichello and Heidfeld pit from what was 3rd and 4th. They rejoin line astern after running through the tunnel. This could get tasty.
Lap 42 - Spectacularly rubbish stuff from Robert Kubica, who tries to go around the outside of Buemi at turn 8 and ends up pushing the Toro Rosso off the track and spinning. Hurrah for BMW! Button pits and rejoins in third.
Lap 43 - Bernie Ecclestone is trying the moves on Naomi Campbell in the pits. Heidfeld is falling back from Barrichello. Never mind.
Lap 44 - It's dark now. In case you were wondering. Day/night racing is cool. In literally no way. Vettel leads by 16.7 seconds. He's really done unspeakable things to the entire field here today.
Lap 45 - Ten laps of the season to go then. Vettel, Webber, Button, Barrichello, Heidfeld, Kobayashi, Trulli, Buemi, Rosberg and Kubica is the top ten.
Lap 47 - Apologies for the short updates. I'm running out of things to describe. It's been a long season, after all. Button is catching Webber for second in an incredibly slow way.
Lap 48 - Webbo is definitely struggling, and the gap is down to 1.3 seconds. Other battles down the order? Kubica is 1.4 seconds behind Nico in the fight for 9th. Fisi is 0.8 seconds behind Grosjean in the fight for 16th. And, erm, that's it.
Lap 50 - So, after 50 laps of tedium, we've got a grandst....erm, a close battle for position at the end. Webber has grip issues, and Button is tailing him around the track. Can the champ somehow get past the champ?
Lap 51 - Button did not overtake Webber on this lap.
Lap 52 - Button did not overtake Webber on this lap. However Fisi did overtake Grosjean, who took the place back by performing the most glorious cutting of a corner to defend his position that you'll ever see.
Lap 53 - Button did not overtake Webber on this lap.
Lap 54 - Button did not overtake Webber on this lap.
Lap 55 - Here we go! Webber's all over the place, but Button's struggling to get past. He has a go into the hairpin but gets all slidey and can't make it stick! Button has another go at the next corner but STILL can't make it stick, this is sensational stuff! Vettel wins the race! And....Webber keeps second place! Super-strong defensive driving from the Aussie.
14.40 BST - Vettel sounds like he's choking on a fish bone on the pit radio, while Webber celebrates with a bit of a burnout, which will doubtless net him a fine from some humourless stewards somewhere. Vettel, Webber, Button, Barrichello, Heidfeld, Kobayashi, Trulli, Buemi(!!!!) the final top eight. Nico ends his Williams career with an appropriate 9th place, just missing out on the glory. Alonso ends his Renault career with a sensational 14th place.
14.45 BST - That result, of course, seals the almost-important second place in the drivers standings for SebVet. Meanwhile, the major fight in the constructors between McLaren and Ferrari for third place finished as a hilarious 0-0 draw.
Hee hee hee - Jenson drops the bastard bomb, and the F bomb live on the BBC in a chirpy pre-podium chat with Webber about their last lap battle.
The Podium - Sees Deutschland uber Alles ring out, followed by the Austrian one, which sounds like they're making it up as they go along. According to the ever-knowledgable Elbow, it's called "Land der Bergen". It's the first time Button has been on the podium since Italy in September.
14.55 BST - Him off of Gavin and Stacey, who is just about the worst human being alive today, is interviewed on the BBC. He makes it known that he's very much a member of the Jenson Button bandawagon.
SebbyVet says - "Fantastic race....had a very good launch....very close to Lewis, I was surprised....was able to stay close enough....last sector the car was a dream today....did enough to get past him....had a cushion to Mark....was able to pace myself....car was fantastic....a pleasure to sit in the car....to sum up the season, it is up and down....congratulations to the team....the car is getting quicker....shame that the season ends."
Australiasmarkwebber says - "Made a pretty good launch....got hit in the left rear....worried about a puncture....both of us close to Lewis....Seb was just a bit quicker today....had no feeling on the option on last stint....quite tight at the end....had to be good with my braking....had a good close fight....congratulations to the team....very enjoyable driving this year....my best season....that's good."
World Champion Jenson Button(TM) says - "Prime tyre not my favourite...outbraked myself to let Kobayashi past...had good grip with option....good grip....was able to close down Mark...last couple of laps were fun....thought I could pull it off....Mark was clean but on the edge....really enjoyed the fight....today was a bonus after winning the title....thanks to Brawn....nice way to end the year....everyone should be proud of themselves."
Epilogue - So then, that's that. Shed a tear, for F1 2009 is finally over. It's been a crazy ride, like a slightly wonky rollercoaster, but it's been fun. Hasn't it? Patty will be turfing out it's usual in-depth and questionably-researched season review over the coming weeks, and we'll also be covering all the news and testing and car launches over the winter, so don't be a stranger. Thank you for following along with us throughout the year and we'll be back, by hook or by crook, for all the frolics of 2010, starting in 133 days with the 2010 Bahrain Grand Prix.
AND - We're not quite done with our live MBM stuff this year just yet, as Patty will be covering the debatable fun of the end-of-season jolly that is the Race of Champions in Beijing next week. So, if you're a bit bored on Tuesday or Wednesday, please join us for that. Cheerio.
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