Prologue - Hello. Me again. After the gentle amuse-bouche of FP1, we're gearing up (pun tragically intended) to the sickly main course of the second Friday practice session, where you'd expect a lot more lapping, a slightly more "2009 vintage" final order and, more than likely, a lot more spins.The main question will be whether the McLarens can keep up their morning form in this more competitive 90 minutes. As for the other big guns returning to the top ten in FP1, Ferrari still looked a bit half-cocked, and BMW were nowhere before bolting on the soft tyres. So as far as big shake-ups in the current order, the silver Maccas look to be the main threat.
I don't know what "Speedcar" is - But it sounds ruddy ace. Where else could Johnny Herbert and Heinz-Harald Frentzen battle it out with sometime journeyman British GT driver Chris Buncombe? And look, there's Gianni Morbidelli!
11.45 BST - There's snooker on my TV. Help! The background of moaning for this weekend is not diffusers for once, but the more traditional annual British GP saga. Predictably, Donington is in all sorts of problems in terms of safety licenses and unpaid rent, and Bernie is once again threatening to remove the race from next year's calendar. I'd be absolutely distraught if my home race disappeared from the F1 world tour, especially as Spain still gets two races, but whether my anger would be best directed at Bernie's merciless axe or the race organisers for being so staggeringly unable to organise a booze up in a gin distillery is unclear.
11.55 BST - I'll talk about the British GP later. I feel a ranty blog coming on with regards to that. But right now, it's all happening. The live timing screen has reset, Messers Croft and Davidson are back, "I hope you've got your factor 93 on, Holly," Crofty chortles to the pit lane reporter, "I've got my factor 100 on," she understatedly hyperbolises in response.
Button problems update - There was a small issue with somesuch Macguffin in FP1, apparently. I wasn't really listening. Anyway, it has now been fixed. Doesn't look like he'll be needing a five place gearbox penalty after all.
0 mins - Action stations! Trulli, Glock and Rosberg lead the charge onto the sandy trap. The Toyota men in particular will be looking for a big improvement in this session.
1 min - Chat in the Beeb box about Heidfeld weaving around to warm his tyres up at times in FP1, despite the high track temperature and him using softies. I'm not sure, but I seem to remember him doing that weaving on the harder tyre, which took a good few laps to reach "the zone", not the softs. Don't quote me on that, though.
The Foot - "I'm home and thus here! Hurrah!" *glances at FP1 results* "BOOOOOOOOO!"
3 mins - Trulli tops the first runs, from Vettel, Glock and Bourdais. Dynamite Sutil has been off at what I thought was turn nine, but might actually be turn ten. I don't know, if you want proper analysis, go to Autosport. Actually: don't go to Autosport. Buemi's also had a shocker on his opening run.
5 mins - Kubica flies to the top in his Beemer. So much for my "pah, BMW were only quick because of the softs" arrogance. Heidfeld pips him, and then Button goes even quicker on a 1:35.935, so they're still some way off proper pace. Alonso goes 6th, Buemi up to 8th, and Nico is, erm, lapping.
8 mins - Kovalainen goes 3rd fastest, as his team mate Hamilton makes a bung of his first lap. Everyone bar Fisichella has now hit the track. The Foot's brief moment of confidence has given way to his usual pessimism as Webber goes 10th.
11 mins - Hamilton is on it after his muck up, as he purples sector one....but he's made an absolute hoof of the middle sector. The amount of texters to the BBC trying to get their comment on air by sucking up to Davidson is nauseating. "I think Ferrari should dump all their drivers and run clones of Anthony instead cos he's ace and roxx".
13 mins - Yay crazy fuel loads! Giancarlo Fisichella goes P1, and he's nailing S1 on his next lap as well. Careful Fisi, you'll be out of fuel in a few seconds. Hamilton finally hooks up a lap to go P2. Are McLaren actually some cop here? Hammy 2nd and Kovy 4th. Hrm.
Buemi is 8th, Raikkonen 16th and Rosberg is, erm, lapping.
Piquet in "messing it up" shock - His front wing is all askew after he mounts a kerb with all the dignity of a drunk husband trying the moves on his wife after closing time. "Be very careful Nelson," his engineer says, one lap too late.
18 mins - Nico goes 5th, that's better. Fisi still top, from Hamilton, Button, Kovy, Nico, Boobens, Heidfeld, Vettel, BUEMI and Kubica. The BBC have presented Sir Jackie Stewart with a ceremonial soapbox to stand on and mope about government funding. Sir Jackie works for the Royal Bank of Scotland, who recently earned a cut of a £37 billion bail out package. Yeah, stupid government, never paying for stuff! It's political correctness gone mad!
The Foot - "You know F1 has gone the way of Britney Spears when I'm looking forward to a GP at Barcelona. I don't want sand, I don't want monsoons, I don't want safety cars, I just want the bald-headed awesomeness of a boring race."
21 mins - Softies on the Toyotas, and here's the result. Glocky goes top from Trulli, one and a half seconds faster than Fisi. Ian Phillips on the Beeb has money on a Glock win. Patty's tip for this weekend was each-way on a Glock pole position. Maybe he misread us.
23 mins - Webber also on softs, and goes 3rd, 0.664 behind Glock. But his second lap on them should be better, even if the green-striped rubbers look destroyed already on his onboard shot. Button up to 4th, on hards. Massa goes 9th.
25 mins - The Foot notes that turn 15 is causing problems. Then a few minutes later, Ant notices the same thing. PLAGIARISM! The Sut goes 4th on his own softs, as Vettel jumps up to 6th. The order is getting a bit confused here as the teams are running both compounds at once.
Top ten: Glock, Trulli, Webber, Sutil, Button, Vettel, Fisichella, Hamilton, Rosberg, Kovalainen. Raikkonen is 16th.
29 mins - Boobens bolts the softs on and leaps from 14th to 3rd with a 1:34.313. There's still a half-second gap between the Toyotas and the rest, interestingly. The Renaults are 19th and 20th. What an absolute heap that car is.
32 mins - The BMW challenge has sagged for the moment, Kubica 15th and Heidfeld 17th. Trulli re-takes P1 from his team mate with a 1:33.699. There's a lot of softie tyre running out here today, indicating that this weekend, the degredation of the softer compound may not be quite as stark as in weekends past. Glock puts in a PB, but stays 2nd, 0.065 behind his team mate.
Kimi's had another lairy moment, wagging the tail of his Fezza out of T4 and ruining his lap.
The Foot - "Piquet makes a fool out of our glorious leader and goes...19th. Oh."
38 mins - "Technical issues" there again. Sorry. Ian Phillips reckons that Renault "know what they're doing" and might be conserving their engines for the long season ahead. Right.
Nakajima goes P3, as Button sets off on a hot lap on the softies.
41 mins - Button improves to 4th place. Webber is steaming, apparently. I don't mean he's gone off on a Toohey's-fuelled bender, more that there is dry ice coming from his overalls somehow. Hamilton has just lunched his front left tyre into the final corner.
44 mins - Hamilton goes up to 9th despite the flat spot. Bourdias is somehow 11th, the bottom six is Massa, Kubica, Raikkonen, Heidfeld, Piquet and Alonso.
46 mins - Anthony Davidson answers a question about what KERS is for the 36th time so far this season. Buemi sets a PB to go 7th! Wooooo! Rosberg is, erm, lapping.
49 mins - Vettel finally gets the softies working as well as the Toyotas, and leaps up to P2, 0.045 behind Trulli's current session-topper. They're still discussing KERS in the commentary box. I'm not going to lie to you, we've entered one of those lulls.
Piquet in "messing it up" shock Redux - Half Nelson has had a spin into that nebulous turn nine/turn ten area.
54 mins - If you're watching the BBC feed and are wondering what that text about some girls' school racing team was all about, The Foot's research has yielded this. A text about that was read out, on air. A text. About. That.
56 mins - As Sutil pops a time in to go P4, everyone on the Beeb is having a moan about the lack of F1 teams compared to 1988. And then complaining about pay drivers. Though there are no pay drivers in the field at the moment. And there were loads in 1988. I don't know what their point is.
Top ten (it's not really changing) - Trulli, Vettel, Glock, Sutil, Nakajima, Button, Barrichello, Webber, Bourdias, Buemi.
60 mins - More technical issues, my laptop is on it's arse. Good job nobody's reading this. Hamilton is all over the shop, and just breaks into the top ten with a 1:34.367. Raikkonen is improving slowly, and is up to 14th. Rosberg is, um, lapping.
The Foot - "They should ghost/line comparison all twenty cars at once. Fuster cluck coolness."
63 mins - The BBC text service trawls new depths of stupidity, as someone asks if the Red Bull shark fin thingy is legal. "No," replies David Croft, "Well done for noticing that, and we'll be forwarding your eagle-eyed spot to the stewards immediately." Or not.
NICO ROSBERG GOES P1! SUCCESS JIG IMMINENT! AND HE'S GOT LOADS OF FUEL TOO, PROBABLY!
66 mins - Hamilton improves to 8th, and Piquet improves to 13th, which given Renault's form today is as good as a pole position. Alonso remains last, behind the two BMWs, Kovalainen and Raikkonen.
69 mins - Alonso on the softies, and he sets a PB in sector one......a PB in sector two.....and.....goes.....4th. Laugh out loud.
71 mins - Ah, Buemi, how I love you so. He gets on the team radio and gives some sort of Rocky monologue about pushing into the corners and taking the chance, etc. He's 8th at the moment, in another great performance for the rookie of the year.
Top ten - Rosberg, Trulli, Vettel, Alonso, Glock, Sutil, Nakajima, Buemi, Hamilton and Button.
74 mins - A Toyota (can't be more specific than that) has been off onto the dusty runoff. Apparently Findia had some new parts stopped at customs, so they're not using them. How veeeeeery convenient. The times have tightened up now everyone's had a good run on the soft tyres. Just over a second covers the top 15.
Button goes 4th, as someone presses the wrong button (pun intended again) in the BBC commentary box and silences David Croft mid-discourse.
77 mins - The BBC feed keeps cutting out. Maybe they're censoring the bits where they read out the texts. Kubica goes a manful 19th, beating Heidfeld, but Ickle fights back and improves to a staggering 17th. BMW are screwed really, aren't they.
79 mins - The Foot's season is back on track as Webber goes 4th. Meanwhile, Crofty reads out a disgusting text question about earplugs. Ten minutes to go, Heikki is all over the place on his current lap, and sits P19 now, after Kubica jumped up to 16th.
80 mins - Ian Phillips goes a bit Daily-Mail-editorial on us over the earplugs debate, using both the phrases "health and safety" and "political correctness" in the same breath. I'm not an expert, but I'm 99.9999999999% sure that the phrase "political correctness", in it's strictest sense, doesn't apply to the idea of making people who work in the F1 pits wear ear protection in order to stop them from going prematurely deaf.
Sorry, I digress. Nico back out on track, as is bottom-placed Kimi.
84 mins - Raikkonen finally shakes himself out and sets some personal best sector times. He got fined for speeding in the pit lane in FP1. Hey, at least he's quick somewhere!
18th quickest for the 2007 champion, as a line comparison sees Hamilton's car on top of Button. Somewhere, James Allen has just exploded.
86 mins - Crickey, some people are going for glory. Hamilton PBs sector one, and then Alonso absolutely monsters it with a 29.8. Hamilton falls away in S2, and goes, ah, nowhere actually. He stays 10th. Lolonso goes 2nd! Crazy Flavio is impressed. I'm sure in his head, that is a competitive fuel load.
89 mins - Everyone on track now. This may get hectic. Who is improving at the moment? Nobody really. Massa sets competitive times in sectors one and two, then vanishes in S3 to stay 16th. Hammy and Fisi relatively quick in sector one now.
90 mins - Here we go, into the final throes of the session! Sutil goes 8th, to give Ian Phillips a lob on, but Fisi ruins it by missing out on the top ten. 11th for the Italian, and now 12th as Nakas pops up in 10th place, ahead of Hamilton. And that, I think, is that. Nico reigns supreme on a pointless Friday run once again!
Final top ten - Rosberg, Alonso, Trulli, Vettel, Webber, Button, Sutil, Glock, Barrichello, Nakajima. Hamilton 11th, Massa 16th, Kubica 17th, Raikkonen 18th, Kovalainen 19th, Heidfeld 20th. Dearie me.
The Foot - "Button is WTFpwning the Red Bulls on the long runs they're doing at the moment, they look to be a good 3-4 tenths faster, despite the one lap pace being in RBRs favour. This update needs a funny, ah, Piquet is 13 spots behind Alonso. Ha."
Epilogue - So, Hamilton and Rosberg top the two Friday sessions, but realistically, the situation for the important stuff remains Brawn GP at the front, with Red Bull and Toyota tucked up behind them. Nico, Alonso, Hamilton and the Toro Rossos may trouble Q3 tomorrow, but look unlikely to achieve much more without a naff low fuel strategy for the race.
That was a lot of fun. Sort of. Not at all really. Never mind, hope you've tolerated it, and Patty will be back with more live typing tomorrow, starting with FP3 at around 8.30am BST. Bye.
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