12.30 BST - A very good afternoon everyone, it feels great to be influencing the opinions of a handful of people once again after a few weeks off. Sadly I've missed out on the madness of Malaysia and China, and return for what will probably be a somewhat more normal race in Bahrain.
12.35 BST - Once again however, the pecking order has changed slightly, with Toyota filling the front row of the grid, and a fourth career pole position for Jarno Trulli. With every race being won from pole so far this year, could this be the day for Yoda to finally take their first victory?
12.40 BST - So, with the Italian's team mate Timo Glock alongside him, it's Shanghai Surprise Sebastian Vettel who sits third, and with more fuel than the Toyotas, he could be a good bet to make it back-to-back wins. A man who has already achieved that this season, Jenson Button, is fourth, ahead of the much improved Lewis Hamilton and McLaren.
12.45 BST - Our picture and caption today of course refer to yesterday's qualifying blockage by Adrian Sutil, who very kindly blocked Australia's Mark Webber on his flying lap in Q1, relegating Vettel's Red Bull team mate to 19th on the grid, although this became 18th when the Sut got a penalty himself.
12.50 BST - After the longest gridwalk known to man, which featured interviews with Eric Clapton, John Button, the Crown Prince of Bahrain, Rubens Barrichello and Felipe Massa, Ted gives us his snazzy graphic showing the fuel adjusted grid, with Vettel just behind Trulli. What of Brawn? Both Button and Barrichello are worried about the car's one lap pace, but surely they'll still be strong on race pace?
12.55 BST - Well, as Jonathan Legard's excitable growl begins to ring out around Sakhir, it's time for my esteemed Patty colleagues to pass their better judgement on exactly how they think the race will go...
The Foot - "My prediction, Mark will crash at T1 and I'll stop watching."
The Head - "I think we'll see Toyota fade after Glock pits on lap 4 and Trulli falls asleep, leading to an easy Vettel win. IT'S NOT DOMINATION!"
How can you argue with that? Let's. Play. Darts.
Race
Lap 1 - Hamilton looks very racey as the lights go out, flying straight past Button and Vettel, before steaming past Glock into second, although the McLaren runs wide and loses out again to the German. Button also gets ahead of Vettel, which is crucial to both drivers' chances. Meanwhile Webber is already up to 14th.
Lap 2 - Madness in Bahrain, I genuinely have no idea what is going on. What I do know is that Kubica and Nakajima are in the pits for repairs.
Lap 3 - Massa is now in the pits with a KERS issue apparently as we see Button pass Hamilton to retake the third place he lost on the opening lap. The Toyotas are comfortably the quickest cars on the track at the moment. Button is the only one who can stay with them.
Lap 5 - Things are stabilising a little so we'll look at the order since what I've already said gives minimal indication of it: Glock, Trulli, Button, Hamilton, Vettel, Barrichello, Raikkonen and Alonso are the top 8. The Yodas are trading fastest laps. Webber is now up to 11th, but is stuck behind the heavy and/or hopeless Piquet.
Lap 6 - Trulli laps a whole 0.002 quicker than his team mate, reducing the gap to 1.596. Button is just a couple of tenths a lap slower, but not all that much heavier. Vettel's race is being seriously compromised by the McLaren of Hamilton.
Lap 8 - Button has already been asked to turn down the engine a bit according to Ted. Brawn are so worried about temperatures that they've cut a load of holes in their bodywork on the grid. Massa is ok to put his KERS back on according to Ferrari, but Jenson has finally lapped quicker than the Toyotas for the first time.
The Head - "Bone dry track, no overtaking, dreary racing, this is the F1 we know and love."
Lap 10 - After the madness of the first couple of laps, absolutely nothing is happening now. Vettel has a poor lap and loses a second and a half to the Toyotas, who are getting a serious lead over the German now.
Lap 11 - Glock is the first man to make a scheduled stop, and rejoins side by side with Nico, who takes him for 8th for the moment. Surely now Trulli can pick up a couple of seconds and jump his team mate for the lead before his own stop?
Lap 12 - Maybe not, as he confounds the predictions by staying out for just one more lap. Although as he rejoins somewhere near Alonso, he seems to have jumped Glock incredibly comfortably. Quite how that happened is beyond me.
Lap 14 - Alonso has a go at Trulli down the pit straight, but the Italian sees him off. However, up the hill into turn 4, he slipstreams him again and they go wheel to wheel through the corner, and after a bit of wheelbanging the Spaniard takes the place. Meanwhile, Boobens is in and takes on the super softs again, which the Yodas didn't. He rejoins ahead of Fisichella.
Lap 15 - Webber has pitted on what must be a fairly soul-destroying afternoon for him, and now Button pits from the lead, followed in by Hamilton who was second. Vettel takes over the lead, but Button comes out ahead of the Toyotas and Alonso. That battle with Alonso has cost Trulli dear. Webber meanwhile puts a great move on Webber where Alonso passed Trulli, sadly though it's only for 15th.
Lap 17 - Alonso is the latest man to pit, as Barrichello and Piquet are having a good scrap for what is currently 8th, although Rubens doesn't seem to be enjoying it that much. Vettel has 17.5 seconds on Button at the moment, needs a few more if he wants to jump the Brawn.
Lap 19 - I hate KERS, Piquet is holding up Barrichello no problem by being able to sprint away down the straights. Vettel is still picking up time, pits and rejoins just behind Trulli. That could screw him a bit. Raikkonen now leads for Ferrari!
Lap 21 - Vettel needs to jump Trulli on the track now. Barrichello has disposed of Piquet and now also passes Glock who just did a hideously slow lap. Kimi pits, looking good for Ferrari's first points of the season. He rejoins behind Piquet in 8th as Nico also pits.
The Foot - "BMWs strategem is going well, they should be right up there very soon. Any moment now."
Lap 23 - Button is flying away from Trulli at about 0.7 per lap, the lead is now 8.2 seconds. Piquet finally pits, which will move Alonso into the final points position. Massa reports that the KERS is not working well. Again. Ferrari are KERSed this season.
Lap 25 - Barrichello is flying towards the Trulli train very quickly. Is he pushing his car too hard in light of the messages to keep things cool? He's half a second faster even than his team mate. He's getting all sorts of encouragement from Jock Clear on the radio. Sir Richard Branson looks satisfied with life again.
Lap 27 - Barrichello pits however, so maybe that pace was all down to a short stint on fumes. Looks like he might have to make another stop. What a strange strategy. Hamilton meanwhile is still going along nicely for McLaren in 4th. It looks like a Button benefit for Brawn in Bahrain, as Vettel is losing so much time behind Trulli.
Lap 30 - Yay, nothing is happening. McLaren reckon Button will win from Vettel, with their boy Lewis battling Jarno for the final podium place.
Lap 32 - Passing! Piquet passes Fisichella for 10th, while Raikkonen is closing up pretty quickly on Glock for 5th. Push that KERS button Kimi. Apparently (according to Ted) Button will stop in 4 laps time and it'll be his final stop. Therefore we can probably expect him to make a further 2 stops.
Lap 34 - Glock returns to the track behind Piquet, who moves into 9th. Piquet driving a solid race for a change. The BBC seem to have given up commentating for a moment, but return as Webber battles with Kovalainen for 12th and 13th. Meanwhile, Massa and Kubica are battling for 17th.
Lap 36 - May as well update the order while nothing is happening - Button leads Trulli by 16.1, Vettel and Hamilton are in close company with the Italian. Raikkonen is 20 seconds behind Hamilton in 5th, followed by Alonso, Barrichello and Rosberg. Button gets the BOX board.
Lap 37 - Bourdais pits, but who cares? Button pits from the lead, followed in by Trulli and Hamilton. Vettel takes over the lead, Button rejoins in second, Raikkonen takes over third from Trulli, Barrichello is ahead of Hanilton but has to stop again. Vettel now has a few laps to pull out a miracle advantage on Button.
Lap 39 - Barrichello has a go at Trulli, but runs wide and Trulli retakes the place. Vettel has taken about 3 seconds out of Button in 2 laps, he needs to keep taking time at that rate to stand any chance at all. There's a great scrap going on for 14th between about 4 drivers, but nobody seems to be interested.
Lap 40 - Suppose not then, since Vettel pits now. Must have just been a slow first stop. Vettel comfortably rejoins ahead of Trulli's Toyota in second. Still no retirements incidentally. Webber passes Heikki.
Lap 43 - Unbelievably, BMW now sit 19th and 20th in this Grand Prix, a lap down on the leader. How embarrassing for a team who sacrificed a 2008 Championship tilt to focus on 2009. Piquet makes his second and final stop.
Lap 45 - Kimi makes his 2nd stop from 2nd place, a solid drive from the 2007 Champion today, although it's only going to net him a couple of points. He rejoins side by side with Glock, who nicely stays ahead, but typically down the next straight Kimi pushes his KERS button and regains 7th position.
Lap 46 - Trulli is nicely catching Vettel, we could have a nice scrap for 2nd for the last 10 laps or so. Kubica's day goes from bad to worse as he spins trying to pass Nakajima. Poor bloke. He then holds up Trulli.
Lap 48 - Barrichello makes his third stop, sadly his strategy failed, and he manages to rejoin ahead of Kimi and Glock in 5th. Good effort from him. Button maintains a 13 second lead over Vettel with Trulli third and Hamilton fourth. Nando holds the final points position ahead of Nico. Glock gets a bit crossed up in the last corner and nearly hits Kimi.
Lap 50 - Nakajima becomes the first retirement of the race, meaning the Beemers won't be finishing 19th and 20th at least. Hamilton has dropped 10 seconds behind the warring Vettel and Trulli.
Lap 52 - Fisichella is such an idiot that he manages to turn in on Massa when the Brazilian is comfortably inside him, then holds up Button for the rest of the lap. Fool.
Lap 53 - Rob Smedley looking very animated on the Ferrari pitwall, seemed to be watching/listening for something on Massa's car. Nakajima's problem was oil pressure. Luca Di Montezemolo looks utterly fed up on the pitwall and well he might be. Ferrari have brought the clowns to the circus again.
Lap 55 - The end of this race cannot come soon enough for me. Button has driven another good race, although he was massively helped by first Trulli and then Vettel being a bit slow and holding up the main competition at different stages of the race.
Lap 57 - The chequered flag is out, and Button takes it for his 3rd win of the season. Vettel comes through for another podium in second, and Trulli third. Hamilton takes a strong fourth for McLaren, with Barrichello 5th. Kimi and Timo are 6th and 7th, and good old Nando takes the final point. Button sounds delighted, and well he might, that was a very good drive once again. He's got a great car underneath him but he's making the very best of it.
Special mention to Nelson Piquet Jr, who drove a pretty decent race by his standards to finish 12 seconds behind his team mate.
Epilogue
The Head - "Rain in Barcelona plz."
The Foot - "F1 sucks."
14.40 BST - Really can't disagree with my esteemed colleagues yet again. This was not a classic Grand Prix
by any stretch of the imagination. I doubt Jenson Button will complain though.
14.50 BST - Quite how the BBC will manage to scrape together an hour's F1 Forum from this race is beyond me. Lewis seems happy with 4th, and well he might be, he worked hard for his 5 points today.
14.55 BST - Right, I'm going to get my life back. Thanks for staying with us throughout this very dreary afternoon. There will be a Race Report online later on, and Fifth Column will bring the usual merriment in due course. We'll be back with live coverage from Barcelona in a fortnight's time. Cheerio.
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