With the new Formula One season bearing down on us like Lewis Hamilton charging towards a parked Ferrari in a Montreal pit lane, Patronise kicks off it's bumper season preview with a multi-part team-by-team preview. First up, last year's title contenders.
McLaren – Mercedes
Drivers: McLaren go into 2009 with the same two drivers as last year. Reigning champ Lewis Hamilton has had a somewhat fraught time of things pre-season, but having limped to his inaugural title, he will be looking to go from strength to strength in 2009. Heikki Kovalainen, meanwhile, faces a make-or-break year in the other seat, having looked more out of his depth than a toddler in the deep end of a lido for large portions of 2008.
Recent History: Hamilton's title success last season ended a longer dry spell than a terminally shy agoraphobic for the multi-title winning side, laying to rest torrid recent memories of bitter driver spats, dreadful Mercedes reliability and Juan Montoya dicking about on a quad bike.
Magic Moment: Too many title wins to really pick a single moment, but the four titles in a row in the late 80's and early 90's rewrote the definition of domination.
Best Not Mention: The brainwave of offering the increasingly portly Nigel Mansell a drive with the team in 1995. Yes, the car should be designed around the driver, but widening the cockpit to accommodate a Yankee breakfast-inspired waistline is probably taking things a step too far.
What's New: The major change for the team over the winter was a changing of the guard at the top, with Ron Dennis moving aside for Martin Whitmarsh to become the CEO of the operation. Expect an increase in forced sponsor-minded smuggery during platitude-filled pre-race interviews,.
The Good News: The last major rule change in 1998 saw the team leap from embarrassing also-rans to emphatic title winners. Given the slightly stronger start point this time around, history would suggest that they are in line to win the Australian GP by several laps.
The Bad News: The testing form of the new car has been somewhere between slow and embarrassing. It is, of course, entirely plausible that they have been relentlessly sandbagging more than a country town during flood season, but when a team is reeling out new aero developments before the season has even begun, that tends to suggest the original design was something of a dog. Whitmarsh's recent public admission that the team will not start the season with race-winning pace tends to confirm that Macca will be the ones the lose out big time in the reshuffle caused by the new season regulations.
Where They Will Cut Costs: The off-season retirement of Ron Dennis will remove the need to employ a translator to help make sense of streams of incomprehensible hyperbole that used to spew forth from his mouth as soon as a microphone entered the vicinity.
Commentary Cliché: Despite the switch to the BBC for 2009, expect the Hamilton platitudes to continue to be emitted like a torrent of fecklessness. Unless the car really is that slow, in which case expect Jonathan Legard to cough embarrassedly whenever an MP4-24 shows up on screen.
Will They Use KERS In Oz? Probably, unless something goes all Brazil 2007 on them, so maybe.
Best Bet: Lewis Hamilton features to have been entirely removed from the BBC pre-race build-up in favour of Button interviews by the time we reach China - 8/1
If they were....Breakfast: A sausage and egg McMuffin. Current market leaders in their field and more than a little tasty, but fears that too much of them can slow you down for the rest of the day may well be coming true.
Ferrari
Drivers: No change at the Scuderia for 2009, with the 2007 champion Kimi Raikkonen partnering 2008 runner-up Felipe Massa for the third successive season. Raikkonen has probably spent the winter months dealing with 2008's results on his CV by wheeling out the airbrushing tool quicker than a supermodel with a pimple, while Massa has probably been holed up in therapy for most of the off-season, in an effort to expunge the last seconds of Interlagos 2008 from his memory.
Recent History: The most successful motorsport dynasty of recent memory, Ferrari return to the grid in 2009 as the reigning constructors’ champions for the eighth time in the last ten years, and few would bet against them adding another “second best title to win in F1” title to their trophy cabinet come the end of the year.
Magic Moment: Far too many to mention, but in recent times, Michael Schumacher’s championship success in 2000 netted the team it’s first drivers title for 21 long years, and elicited a joyous madcap celebration involving some appalling-looking red wigs.
Best Not Mention: That barren 21 year period prior to Schumacher turning up and sorting everything out. A dismal run of underachievement, infighting, misery and Ivan Capelli.
What's New: The Italian giants have enjoyed a rather incident-free winter, all in all. One thing that will return for 2009, though, will be the contentious “traffic light” pit stop system, the one responsible for Felipe Massa dragging half his garage down the length of the pit lane in Singapore. So that should be fun.
The Good News: The brand new F60 (so named to celebrate the 60th year of Ferrari in Formula One) seems to be up there with the best of the bunch after the pre-season tests. Though Ferrari have rarely topped sessions, they have shown an unerring ability to be there or thereabouts throughout, and should be right up there come Melbourne.
The Bad News: Both drivers have shown the ability to cock things up spectacularly in recent years. If Ferrari do start as the pacesetters, they could still throw away enough points early on to keep the chasing pack interested.
Where They Will Cut Costs: Felipe Massa should ensure that engine mileage doesn't become an issue for the team with a few early-season knockabout retirements.
Commentary Cliché: Anything to do with “passion”, “charisma” and “history” is usually enough to throw about when Ferrari are around. They've been in F1 for quite a while, you see.
Will They Use KERS In Oz? Very possibly, yes.
Best Bet: The first mistake by either driver to result in an endless editorial diatribe against their very existence by the Italian sports media - 2/1
If they were....Breakfast: A suave continental affair. A sip of espresso, a drag on an unfiltered cigarette, followed by some casual misogyny hooted raucously at a mini-skirted pedestrian from the back of a scooter.
BMW Sauber
Drivers: Once again, the same as 2008. Robert Kubica was the revelation of 2008, having previously been most famous as the “ZOMFG CRASH!!111” guy off YouTube. Nick “Ickle” Heidfeld, meanwhile, took a step backwards in 2008, and could well be racing for his career this season.
Recent History: BMW, the pantheon of quiet competence, have unspectacularly progressed forwards since entering the sport as a full-time manufacturer in 2006, moving from anonymous midfield runners, to anonymous podium scorers, to anonymous race winners. This year has long been touted as the year that BMW finally step up to the level of anonymous title contenders.
Magic Moment: Not only a maiden win, but a maiden 1-2 for the team at the Canadian Grand Prix last year was as magic a moment as they come. The win was rather gifted to Robert Kubica after Lewis Hamilton engaged in a spot of bumper cars in the pits, but nobody in the team was really complaining.
Best Not Mention: Not too much in the way of embarrassment has come their way yet. Perhaps best to gloss over the final years of their ill-fated partnership with Williams a few years back, but who's laughing now eh, Sir Frank?
What's New: Aside from the obvious new-spec car, the main difference over the summer for BMW seems to have been a frankly worrying exodus of sponsors. The BMW powers-that-be have reaffirmed their commitment to the sport recently, but they could probably do with some help from the odd company.
The Good News: Testing form has been reasonable, though most expect that they will start the season behind Ferrari. The team were noted last year though, for their pre-season sandbagging. If they've pulled a similar trick this year, then the smart money will be on a crushing 1-2 finish in Australia.
The Bad News: The final step up to true title contenders is often the one that breaks a team. Pace during testing hasn't been that good, and if the car drives half as bad as it looks, they could be in for a rough year. Oh, and they've got no sponsors.
Where They Will Cut Costs: Robert Kubica is manfully ensuring that no extra loot will have to be spent on hair care products once Heidfeld's inevitable beard begins to take shape, by going bald at a rate of knots. Also saving money in their Sponsor Stickers Manufacturing department.
Commentary Cliché: Always a difficult one to call, with the obvious issue being that the commentators often have little to really say about the beige-a-like team.
Will They Use KERS In Oz? They've said they will, so yes.
Best Bet: Robert Kubica to replace Shane Warne as spokesman for “Advanced Hair Studio” hair replacement treatments - 20/1
If they were....Breakfast: Porridge. Does the job required, no doubt about that, but ultimately rather stodgy, forgettable fare.
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