Patty's bumper preview of the brand spanking new F1 season continues to run through the teams with a look at the remaining competitors on the grid. These lot struggled last year, but will any of them have more to cheer in 2009?
Red Bull - Renault
Drivers: A driver change! Good lord! Mark Webber remains with the team for another year, hoping to build on a year of promise but ultimate frustration for the fourth year in a row. He is joined by former Toro Rosso man Sebastian Vettel, who moves “up” from the race-winning sister team to the main, still chasing their first win, Red Bull side. The German propelled himself into “the new Senna/Schumacher/Hamilton” mantle after romping to victory at Monza last year, and now comprises half of the most intriguing intra-team battle of the year.
Recent History: Frustration, and lots of it. At the start of 2008 the team were embroiled in the scrap for 4th place in the constructors championship, and looked good value for it. But the second half of the year was a desperate toil. Despite big signings in the cockpit and behind the scenes since they joined the F1 grid, and plenty of false dawns, RBR's most successful points haul in the sport somewhat oddly, and maddeningly, remains their debut season in 2005.
Magic Moment: Three podiums are the best the team has managed in their time in the sport, with David Coulthard's debut podium for the team at the 2006 Monaco Grand Prix probably the proudest of them. In terms of location, anyway.
Best Not Mention: A certain incident at the Japanese GP 2007 when Vettel ruined both his own and Webber's race by tripping over the Aussie behind the safety car. Should make for an interesting team dynamic, at the very least. “Vettel did a very good job of hitting me very hard under the second safety car. I think today he will have learnt a very valuable lesson." Webber noted after the incident. I guess we're about to find out if he did.
What's New: Aside from the new driver, the team has a fancy, gawky-looking car for the new season, which is covered with plenty of nifty technical intricacies. The RB5's design sees the return of pull-rod rear suspension to the sport, a move which has made many a geeky engineering type hastily cross their legs in embarrassed glee.
The Good News: Red Bull designer Adrian Newey has a habit of getting the drop on his rivals when F1 implements the sort of sweeping rule changes we've seen for this year. His 1998 McLaren won the opening event by a lap, after all. And with one of the strongest driver pairings on the 2009 grid, the time may well be nigh for Red Bull to make that oft-promised leap forwards.
The Bad News: Time will tell how much of an effect Webber's pre-season injury will affect his performance. Breaking his leg and shoulder following a collision with a car while riding in a charity cycling event was hardly the best way to kick off your winter testing schedule, but the testing he has done seems to indicate that he isn't badly affected. At the very least, it should provide a handy excuse for Webberistas should Vettel beat him. Other than that, though, the car seems rather middling in terms of pace.
Where They Will Cut Costs: The loss of David Coulthard should save a bit of money on repair work, while a bit of clever logo restitching will allow them to recycle all of Vettel's old Toro Rosso merchandise at no extra cost.
Commentary Cliché: Webber has replaced Johnny Herbert in the commentary rulebook as the token endearingly luckless try-hard, while Vettel's Monza win has turned him into the hottest property on the grid. Expect Schumacher comparisons aplenty, even when he's limping around to his fourth 15th place in a row.
Will they use KERS in Oz? Not likely, no.
Best Bet: Team to lose ground in the championship after wasting time filming 34 tedious and patronising “F1 explained” segments for the BBC, thanks to the Coulthard connection - 10/1
If they were....Breakfast: A super-venti, quad-shot, mocha latte with extra whip, double fat cream and chocolate sprinkles. And a small, but persistent hole in the bottom of the cup.
Williams - Toyota
Drivers: No change here. Nico Rosberg has raced for the team since he crashed his way into Formula One in 2006, with (sadly) limited success. Rosberg has made plenty of noise pre-season regarding looking elsewhere for a drive in the future should Williams continue to struggle in 2009. His own performances this season will decide if that future is with BMW or with the DTM. In the second seat, Kazuki “Nakas” Nakajima continues after an underwhelming debut season, in a further demonstration of how F1 lost it's imagination somewhere last year.
Recent History: Dire, considering the proud past of the multi-title winning squad. Winless since Juan Montoya took the chequered flag in the final race of 2004, the slide down the grid has been as inevitable as it has been painful. A couple of slightly fortuitous podiums for Rosberg last year were the only real bright spots in a season spent slumming it near the back of the grid.
Magic Moment: Any one of the seemingly-endless championships throughout the 80's and 90's. Once a dynasty of success that looked as if it may go on forever, now the faded distant memories of an aged and forgotten diva.
Best Not Mention: The decision to get rid of BMW's engine supply after a couple of underwhelming seasons, which now looks like a rather short-sighted mess of a move.
What's New: The team's new car has been the subject of much contention. Firstly the new diffuser and then the “skate fins” along each side of the cockpit came under scrutiny. The fins are gone, the diffuser remains under investigation (along with the similar devices on Toyota and Brawn GP's cars), and all in all the team faces an uncertain start to the year.
The Good News: The Williams boys seems largely galvanised for the new season. If Rosberg is serious about leaving for better places should the FW31 turn out to be a dog, he'll be in the mood to push to the limit in order to advertise himself to any interested teams, while Nakajima looked consistent enough in 2008.
The Bad News: The testing pace has been average at best, the constant picking apart of the new car can't have helped development and the familiar “we will aim for podiums....once we've developed the car a bit” lines are being wheeled out for another year at a worryingly early stage.
Where They Will Cut Costs: Could be in trouble for 2009. The new, lower front wings look set to lend themselves perfectly to Rosberg’s preternatural ability to require a nosecone change by the end of lap two at every other race. The cost of keeping him in spare parts may well cripple the team.
Commentary Cliché: On the Beeb, expect plenty of patronising comments about former glories when one of the Williams cars limps to 11th place. On Patronise, expect slightly differently themed comments whenever The Head is at the controls for a commentary.
Will they use KERS in Oz? No. They won't.
Best Bet: The team to utilise unique and desperate wings-pointing-out-of-tyre-spoke system by mid-season in an effort to both get around the new aero regs and will some pace out of the car - 3/1
If they were....Breakfast: Pop Tarts. Insanely popular in the 80's and 90's, now a widely forgotten, painfully uncool phenomenon on the wane.
Force India - Mercedes
Drivers: Yet another team decided against checking out the driver market, deciding to stick with the odd couple from last year. Veteran driver Giancarlo Fisichella enters his 37th year of F1 competition still looking for his first season of performance, while the largely crap Adrian Sutil somewhat surprisingly finds himself beginning a third year of F1 competition.
Recent History: Very little success for the team that has been bought and sold between bored multi-millionaires more times than a generous hooker in recent years. No matter how many times they have changed boss and livery, the cars still remain nailed towards the back of the grid.
Magic Moment: For Force India, the sight of Sutil running a fully deserved 4th at Monaco last season was as good as it has got for a team that has spent most of it's brief life to date racing itself for last place.
Best Not Mention: The incident on lap 68 of the Monaco race that saw Sutil punted off the track by an out-of-control Kimi Raikkonen.
What's New: That Team That Used To Be Jordan have enjoyed a rare winter of consistency, by not being sold to anyone. Across the winter, boss Vijay Mallya has orchestrated the switch from Ferrari power to a new link with Mercedes, with the German manufacturer providing the engine, gearbox and whatever else took their fancy to the team. If their testing pace is anything to go by, the change has made precisely bog-all difference.
The Good News: Not much to say here. Though with Toro Rosso's driver line up and McLaren's apparent technical ineptitude, they may well have a few other people to fight with this year.
The Bad News: Despite the much-vaunted switch to Mercedes power and Vijay Mallya talking of points finishes in 2009, with wins to follow in 2010, the limited testing the team has done offers little hope that these lofty ambitions are set to be realised. Wholesale reliability issues in the rest of the field brought on by the new engine regs may remain their best chance of good results.
Where They Will Cut Costs: Wherever they can. Mallya's pre-season decision to dispense with half his managerial staff will have helped things. Financially, anyway, if not logically.
Commentary Cliché: None really required, If a Force India get on TV, just talk about what's happening on live timing until the mistake is rectified.
Will they use KERS in Oz? Definitely not.
Best Bet: Giancarlo Fisichella to utilise new Mercedes link in order to orchestrate mid-season switch to DTM - 20/1
If they were....Breakfast: Last night's reheated takeaway. Lord knows how many greedy fingers have been all over it throughout it's life, and logic tells you that you should leave well alone. And yet something tells you that yes, you can make a success of this congealing, pointless heap you found at the bottom of the fridge.
Brawn GP - Mercedes
Drivers: F1's newest team takes on two of F1's oldest drivers for their debut season. Jenson Button, despite being six shades of cack throughout 2008, was always going to be kept on by the team no matter what, and now faces one last desperate attempt to make the British media care about him. Good old Boobens, meanwhile, keeps hold of his seat despite pre-season pressure from Bruno Senna. A laudable success for a driver who at least looked to be trying last year, though his recent comments regarding winning the title still being a goal for him may indicate that senility has begun to set in.
Recent History: Nothing as Team Brawn, obviously. Well, they were quick in testing I suppose.
Magic Moment: None really. As Honda, their proudest feat in five years of F1 competition was a somewhat fortuitous win for Button in the 2006 Hungarian GP, the race that saw everyone else crash out and James Allen make a mess of his trousers in the commentary box.
Best Not Mention: Pretty much everything that has happened these last two years. “We can be eco-friendly and still be fast”, they said. Erm, no. No you can't.
What's New: Everything, and nothing. The name has changed, the livery is different, the engines now come from the kind people at Mercedes, but fundamentally, it's the same shambling effort that dosed up race after race of turmoil for Honda for the last few years. Ross Brawn is still in charge, F1's two most popular never-men remain in the cars, and Nick Fry is probably still there somewhere, lurking in the shadows and waiting his chance to gob off to Ted Kravitz at strategic points during the pre-race shows.
The Good News: Despite everything the squad has been through over the winter, the car itself seems to be fast. Remarkably fast, in fact. An achievement up there with an abused child put up for adoption and spending much of it's formative life in care suddenly strolling up and solving Fermat's Last Theorem on the back of a McDonald's Happy Meal box.
The Bad News: Despite the headline-grabbing testing pace, there is the odd rumour that the attention-holding, media-thrilling form was based largely on factors other than outright pace. But we can't for the life of us think what the alternative motive for this column-inch-generating move could have been.
Where They Will Cut Costs: This season at least, cost-cutting may be largely unnecessary. All the cash saved by not turning up for most of the pre-season tests, coupled with the bag of cash handed over by Honda to convince Brawn to take the team off their hands, should see them through nicely. For 2010 though, a sponsor or two might be a good idea.
Commentary Cliché: The “Brains and Brawn” puns will be as relentless as they will be awful.
Will they use KERS in Oz? No they will not.
Best Bet: The film rights for the riches-to-rags-to-riches story of the Brawn takeover to be sold for an eight figure sum in order to finance the 2010 campaign - 50/1
If they were....Breakfast: They'd be a hastily grabbed work canteen brunch. Late on the scene, refreshing, surprisingly quick to get through, but ultimately you can't help but feeling that you're being asked to swallow the leftovers that nobody wanted from a short time ago.
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