Patronise F1's 2011 season review gallops ever onwards, with Patty's newest writer The Wig becoming the latest member of the team to hand out his own end-of-season awards for the best and otherwise that 2011 had to offer.
On a beautiful, crisp winter evening, the crème de la crème of the Formula One paddock all gathered in a small living room in the town of Chessington, in Surrey. Tears had already been shed earlier in the day when the Wig had to inform Karun Chandhok and Narain Karthikeyan that Chessington World of Adventures was closed for the winter break. And these weren't the only tears shed on the night, with other drivers personality weeping in joy at being selected for a Patty Award from the veteran of one Patty article, the Wig, others merely staring glumly into their cans of Strongbow, following an evening of triumphs and tribulations.
* The Lewis Hamilton (circa 2007-2008) Rookie of the Year: The Wig continued his completely unreasonable low tolerance of Paul di Resta, and actually locked him outside in the garage with just a couple of bottles of J20. The award instead went to Sergio Perez, who matched his teammate, and beat him, all year, even despite his horrific crash at Monaco.
* The Nicole Scherzinger Award for Undeserved Dumping: Despite a late season effort from Toro Rosso, who tried to dump every driver they own, this award instead went to Vijay Mallya, who dumped Adrian Sutil, (their highest scoring driver, and regular points finisher) for no actual reason whatsoever.
* The Nigel Mansell Award for Best Moustache: Despite some questions over whether it was real or not, Sebastian Vettel scooped another prize here for his magnificently bushy ginger entry in Brazil.
* Stupidest Fashion Accessory: Congratulations to Lewis Hamilton, who not only donned a stupid pair of earrings, but also grew the stupidest looking beard in the paddock. He wins a Patty Award and a slap across the face.
* Best Named Driver: Went to Jerome d'Ambrosio, or "The Custard Man" as he will forever be affectionately known as.
* The Nivea Men's Award for Most Youthful Complexion: Goes to Pastor Maldonado, for still keeping that acne and those braces, from since he was 14.
* The Jeremy Clarkson Award for Speaking Your Mind: Vitaly Petrov claims this one, after he publically berated the development on his car this year, and then got the sack. Still. He’s got a Patty Award as some sort of consolation.
* Surprise of the Year: The sheer amount of sackings in the driver market. Normally, there's one or two, but to see Vitaly Petrov, Adrian Sutil, Sebastien Buemi, Jaime Alguersuari, and possibly even Rubens Barrichello all enter 2012 without a seat, was not just surprising, it was ridiculous.
* Flop of the Year: Just how bad Williams was. The Wig is both English and a Williams supporter, so he's used to disappointment, but this was beyond the ridiculous. When it came to giving out this award, the Wig was found rocking back and forth in a corner, clutching on to a Nico Rosberg cap tightly.
* The Peter Sauber Award for General Invisible-ness: Probably went to Jerome d'Ambrosio, but no one actually saw him pick it up.
* The Andrea de Cesaris Award for Most Collisions: Was jointly awarded to both Lewis Hamilton and Felipe Massa, but both managed to collide with each other on their ways up to the stage. It's still here if either of them want it.
* Excuse of the Year: Anything Lewis Hamilton or Felipe Massa said about each other all year.
* The Balls of Steel Award: Mark Webber, passing Fernando Alonso, in the run up to Eau Rouge. We all took a sharp intake of breath when we saw him doing that, didn’t we?
* Worst Helmet Design: Sebastian Vettel looked a dead favourite for this for at least one of his 34,000 helmet choices, but it actually went to Michael Schumacher, and his effort at this year's Belgian Grand Prix, which meant no one could tell him or his team mate apart.
* Race of the Year: Canada. So easily, Canada.
* Performance of the Year: You could give this to Sebastian Vettel for any number of his stonking great drives, or Jenson Button, for that drive in Canada, but then they did receive trophies already for those, so this one goes to Michael Schumacher for his stunning drive from the back of the field in Belgium. And it was his 20th anniversary in Formula 1 too. Neato.
* Best Explanation for How Complicated Driving a F1 Car is Nowadays: Vitaly Petrov; "Playing with all the steering wheel dials at 300km/h will be, I guess, like answering three Blackberry messages while making fried eggs and doing your shoelaces all at the same time". Impressive, especially when you consider that I can’t even fry one egg.
* Driver of the Year: Was meant to go to Sebastian Vettel, but he refused it, given that his current trophy cabinet was far too full, and that the new one wouldn’t be arriving until February, so it went instead to Jenson Button, for a solidly consistent, regular podium scoring, and occasional race winning form all year, that reminded us that he did actually win a World Championship that one time.
* Team of the Year: In a similar situation to Vettel, Red Bull had no more room for trophies, plus Christian Horner had had one too many, and was found throwing up in the back garden sometime later. Step forward Vijay Mallya, and Force India, for a very impressive season, which saw them embarrassing the likes of the Mercedes big wigs by the end of the season.
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