The long, baffling and often hilariously farcical timeline of the 2009-10 F1 pre-season never ceases to entertain, it seems. That Jenson Button's title triumph has already become a distant fuggy memory lost in a blitz of headlines, seat swaps and team news is testament as much to the endless flow of entertainment that we have been treated to from F1's hyperactive rumour mill over the last four months as it is the cognitive issues of long-term gin addiction.
And with only three weeks to go before we begin the journey to discover the exact identity of who will relieve Button of the title holders crown come the final race of this coming season, there is still one issue to finally clear up. And it is quite a big issue at that.
Put simply, the FIA have on their hands a situation that only the delightful bizarre sport of Formula One could find itself in. Right now, the 2010 season's 13th team, USF1, is unable to take part in the opening rounds of the season, despite being showered with all the wonders that a spot on the FIA entry list bestows on a team. It has no car, no money, and it barely has a driver, with erstwhile signing J-Lo busily trying to defect to another backmarker.
Then, on the other side of the fence, there is Stefan GP, whom The Beard waxed lyrical about only last week. They have a car, they seem to have enough money to complete the 2010 season (certainly, they have enough money to randomly courier around containers of odds and sods that they apparently don't really need right now), and they are close to signing a relatively high-profile pair of ex-F1 drivers for their team. But despite all that, they can't beg, steal or borrow either a spot on the 2010 grid, or indeed any tyres to shove on their car in order to test the thing.
Surely, the solution is obvious. With so little time left before the start of the new season, the FIA really needs to finally make its mind up, scratch USF1's name from the entry list and scribble Stefan GP's there in its place. Give the team in a position to actually prepare itself for the new season the chance to get hold of some tyres and give their drivers some track time, and put the limping mess that is the USF1 project out of its misery.
There's no need to be particularly harsh on USF1 when they do it, and by all means stick their name down at the top of some sparkly reserve list should any current team decide to run away from the sport at the end of 2010, but sticking with a team that has admitted it will be unable to compete at all until early May, and even them potentially without any testing for their new car and with whichever desperate pair of millionaires they find to shove in the cockpit by that point, seems utterly pointless when there's a team seemingly ready and waiting to compete sitting about in Serbia, twiddling their thumbs and attempting to fashion some grand prix-spec tyres from a balloon pump and half a dozen Bags for Life.
To pass up the Stefan GP option, ignoring for a moment the lack of hilarious badly-written press releases that would deprive us of, also robs the grid of a team that could actually complete some pre-season testing (something that even the newly-saved Campos team will struggle to manage). For outsiders, the glorious world of F1 is going to look amateur enough at the start of 2010 with new teams still finding their feet and long-existing teams running in shades of tipp-ex and fresh air, without compounding the issue by having an empty set of garages in the pit lane for the first four races.
Not seeing the USF1 team on the grid will be a big blow for the current aspirations of a sport still pining to get a foot in the door of the American market once again, though how much of a positive effect on the "F1 in the US" lobby the sight of the team qualifying and finishing last at every race is somewhat questionable. Nevertheless, in terms of the loss to the sport, it is quite easily possible to argue that USF1 had the potential to be a bigger asset to F1 than any of the other new teams. But still, sometimes you just have to accept that things aren't going to be quite as you imagined. You might have waited a year for a date with an old acquaintance, but if they finally turned up in a penniless, lumbering, Purple Tin-addled state, then perhaps it is best to just quietly avert your gaze, sneak out the back exit and find yourself someone else.
And even though a number of people still find the whole Stefan GP situation a slightly disconcerting enigma, with many finding it difficult to reconcile the idea that a team that seems to consist of four blokes sitting in a dark room with a laptop have somehow built a working F1 car with a potential high enough to woo the odd ex-world champion, it has to be said that surely they are worth the punt. Granted, said ex-world champion is the tragically desperate and pensionable Jacques Villeneuve, but then Happy Jacques dismissed USF1 as an option, and yet remains intrigued by Stefan GP, so it isn't quite as if he's just throwing himself at any old seat like an aged diva down at the local gentleman's club. Not quite, anyway.
At the very least it must be worth promoting them to the FIA entry list now, and giving them a run at the Barcelona test this week. If it turns out that their car is made of tissue paper and farts and they're all a bunch of confidence tricksters who've been stringing us along with dodgy statements and promises, then their bluff has been called, but if they've actually got a working car, then let's give it a go. As the guy in the Dr Pepper advert so tirelessly asks: what's the worst that can happen?
Well, as the guy in the Dr Pepper advert so tiresomely discovers, probably loads of things. But still, this represents a chance for the FIA to shore up the oft-heralded 26-car grid for 2010. Or at least rescue as many cars as possible. Campos as still far from certain to even turn up, and with USF1 dying slowly, to end up with a measly two extra cars given the effort that went into recruiting the newbies last year would seem to be a bit of a failure.
So really, to almost everyone watching the dramatic oddness unfold, it really does seem to be a no-brainer. The question is whether the new, Jean Todt-led FIA will grasp the situation by its nettle-covered horns and make the switch while there is still time for Stefan GP to get some sort of testing done with their car.
But still, we'll have to wait and see, as this delightful farce of a pre-season rumbles on. And on.
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I fear though that in todays world of rules, regulations, lawyers and Health n Safety(Naff!), that common sense is all but lost and despite the Head's mumblings making great common sense, the FIA, will once again, generally f*** it up.
Our only hope is if USFin1 see sense and sell their entry to StefanslobadanF1.
In my dreams.....
The Sheriff's badge.
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US F1-Stefan GP co-operation so obvious it'll probably fail
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That, though, relies on the FIA ever intending to offer them a spot on the grid.
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