You know nothing of The Crunch! You've never even been to The Crunch!
According to spanky F1 boss Max Mosley, F1 faces some tricky months and years ahead of it, as the dreaded, nebulous credit crunch threatens to finally get round to smearing it's oily fingers all over F1's brand new tux. "It has become apparent, long before the current difficulties, that Formula One was unsustainable," he preached to the BBC earlier this week, "If we can't get this [cost-cutting measures] done for 2010, we will be in serious difficulty". Displaying a keen knowledge of mental arithmetic, Mosley added that "If we lost two teams, we'd have 16 [cars]. (If we lost) three teams (we'd have) 14...", and the viewer competition was to work out how many cars we'd have if we lost four teams. This all sounds very ominous, but no more ominous than the end of the 2004 season, when Minardi, Jordan and Jaguar were all on their collective arses, and then Red Bull came along to save the day. So News Junkie knows how to solve the problem! Did someone say "Team Relentless??"
To add to the doom mongering over F1's worrisome future, Williams chief executive Adam Parr has confirmed that some teams are considering upping sticks and running away, but that it isn't the teams you'd necessarily expect. "The assumption is that it would be an independent team but I don't think this is necessarily the case," Parr told the Beeb, before going on to offer precisely no evidence for such an assertion.
Every Little Helps
In the same interview, Mosley went on to spell out his plans for an exciting meeting between the FIA and the FOTA after the Chinese Grand Prix next weekend, with the focus very much on being cutting the costs involved with the sport back to manageable levels. According to an almost incoherent FIA statement, the meeting would discuss "very significant and urgent reductions in costs, future technical regulations for chassis and drive train, maintaining the competitive element - future performance differentiators". Rather brilliantly, Mosley has warned that "If no agreement was reached...it [the FIA] would enforce its own measures". Which marks the continuation of Max's plans to scare the teams into agreement which began with him belching out a load of unworkable guff over spec engines.
Planet Hamilton: First with the news
A mere week and a half after the initial reports appeared on Pitpass, Planet Hamilton has got around to writing almost a paragraph about David Coulthard's rumoured move to the BBC, in a report which includes the following sentence: "The Scot will team up with long-time manager Martin Brundle, who will continue as F1 commentators, joined in the box by Jonathan Legard, the BBC's Radio 5 Live football correspondent." which makes no sense at all. Confusingly, the site refuses to comment on the reports on Autosport some hours after the initial story broke, in which Brundle denies any such deals have been signed. Maybe next week, eh?
I Love You (But You're Green)
Meanwhile, over in Fuji, F1 continues it's efforts to single-handedly save every single one of us from certain death by launching it's sure-to-make-a-MASSIVE-difference "make cars green" campaign. This exciting new shebang apparently "aims to reduce the impact of motoring on the environment by educating drivers about more environmentally friendly and fuel-efficient driver behaviour". Which all sounds very worthwhile actually. And what is the Earth-shattering first step of this campaign? "At the Japanese Grand Prix...The F1 cars will be equipped with special ‘make cars green tyres’ which have been marked in the grooves with the campaign colour: green". Hallelujah! Our planet is saved!
Senna/Honda in "marketing wet dream" shock
In a move that would reunite the Senna surname with the Honda engine, in a tenuous marketing link the world has never before witnessed, Bruno Senna has added Honda to his almost-burgeoning list of "two" options for the F1 grid next year. Toro Rosso and Honda are his choices, and Senna reckons "I'm doing everything I can to convince them I'm their best option," before adding, in a sideways bitchslap aimed at upwards of three current F1 drivers: "The possibilities are good and the competition in some cases is not that big". He means you, Boobens.
DC removes gloves, reveals claws
In the sort of bitchy riposte that would leave your average Big Brother contestant cringing in the diary room saying "I think I went a bit too far there", future retiree David Coulthard has penned (read: had ghost-written) a scathing and extensive column on ITV-F1, all on the back of Ted Kravitz's insinuation in his own column that DC was in "retirement mode" after a "mediocre" Singapore race. The column, which runs to nearly 2000 words, sees DC cattily begin by saying that "I think I may have met [Ted] in the Formula 1 paddock at some point, although I’d have to check..." before insisting that "First off, he criticises my slow in-lap before my second pit stop and asks why I was unable to overtake Fernando Alonso...Well, Lewis Hamilton couldn’t pass me...so why would I be able to pass Alonso?". Yes Ted, your first mistake was assuming DC could do something. DC then goes on to, somewhat bizarrely, ask "How many people have you, Ted Kravitz, overtaken?".
There's then the question of "when Ted says I “could only manage” the 13th fastest lap I don’t know what his basis for comparison is" (NJ is assuming the 12 guys who were quicker), and he continues on, in the spirit of making excuses that would frankly make a Webber fan boy blush, ending his rant with the affirmation that "I’m entirely comfortable being in the category of has-been because the other options are to be a wannabe or a never-has-been". Actually David, there's also "successful driver comfortable enough to retire before he embarrasses himself". But we can appreciate you probably haven't heard of that one.
He also never really wanted to drive for Ferrari either
Finally, Fernando Alonso has confirmed that he's actually really glad that BMW have gone and confirmed two drivers that aren't him for next year because he didn't want to drive for the stupid team anyway and they smell and stuff. Or, less libellously, he actually said "It was never a serious approach because for them they were quite happy with their drivers and didn't want to change". Which means roughly the same thing.
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