If the 2010 F1 silly season was a blockbuster film, it would definitely be directed by David Lynch. There are more twists and turns than you can shake a stick at, plot points emerge from nowhere only top vanish with no real explanation, and the whole thing is being witnessed by observers smugly nodding their heads and pretending to understand what is going on whereas in reality it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. All you can really do is nod, smile and hope that there's not long to go before the meaningless yet titillating lesbian scene starts.
Since out last silly season overview, the whole thing has shifted seamlessly from "odd" to "dizzyingly mental". Jenson Button has made the move of his life/committed career suicide (delete as appropriate) by deciding to switch from Brawn to McLaren, Ross Brawn has decided to secure the future of his team/take the money and run (delete as appropriate) by selling up to Mercedes after a single year as a rather awkward-looking team owner, Kimi Raikkonen has taken a well-timed sabbatical/given up on life completely (delete as appropriate) for next season, and Michael Schumacher has not done anything because it was all just rumours/bottled it again (delete as appropriate) over a proposed 2010 comeback.
All of which means that the predicted sharp end of the 2010 grid is looking remarkably sorted. After a hasty and greedy land grab by the top teams, most of them will be pretty happy with what they ended up with. Ferrari will have Alonso and Massa, McLaren have "The UK Super British Team GB Of The World" in Hamilton and Button, and Red Bull (who largely ignored silly season entirely) have Vettel and Webber. Only Mercedes themselves might look at their conquests with a slightly frustrated grimace, with Nico Rosberg confirmed in one seat and a series of no-marks queuing up for the second seat. Nick Heidfeld remains the favourite for the drive, but Adrian Sutil has been mentioned as an outside possibility. Either way, it looks unlikely that it will be either Raikkonen (far too expensive) or Schumacher (far too never-going-to-happen).
The manufacturer exodus means that the only other "works" drive in 2010 is the second seat at Renault, a team that are by no means certain of staying on the grid come the end of the year. Timo Glock had been expected to slot in alongside Robert Kubica, but he decided to chase his dreams of title wins with the unlikely form of Manor GP, meaning that the second seat is likely to be contested between Heikki Kovalainen and Adrian Sutil, though 2009 end-of-season Toyota revelation Kamui Kobayashi could possibly join the team, boosted by bags of sponsorship from Japan. A further rumour would see Renault sell a stake in their team to an unnamed Russian billionaire, in return for dour GP2 gimp Vitaly Petrov getting the second seat. Added to that, should the team sell-out for 2010, that would leave Robert Kubica technically available to renegotiate with another team, with a potential switch to Mercedes one of his few options.
Force India's hopes of keeping hold of Sutil seem to rely on him failing to find a drive anywhere else and coming back to the team with his tail between his legs. Assuming he leaves, Vijay Mallya may still look to replace both of his drivers, with Tonio Liuzzi by no means certain of a drive either. The team has been discussed as a potential destination for the 69-year-old Pedro de la Rosa, while they will test the dizzyingly average trio of Indian GP2 midfielder Karun Chandhok, former Champ Car makeweight Neel Jani and DTM dullard Paul di Resta at the laughably misnomeric "young driver" test at Jerez in December. As a further possibility, Nelson Piquet Jr has threatened to crash the F1 grid again in 2010, claiming that he has been in some sort of contact with Findia, which is crashingly boring news.
At Toro Rosso, Sebby Bwemmy is confirmed, but Jamie Alguersuari is being made to wait on the outcome of the December Jerez test, with the Red Bull B team running development drivers Brendon Hartley and Mirko Bortolotti at the test, both of whom could find their way into Algie's seat next year, on the basis that STR seem to have nothing better to do than casually ruin the careers of random members of Red Bull's 236,754 young drivers.
The four brand-new teams for 2010 all now have one seat filled and one still going spare. Campos have Mr Surname in one seat, and are weighing up the dire likes of Petrov and Venezuelan sponsor whore GP2 ace Pastor Maldonado for the second seat, seemingly deciding not to bother with any driver experience in 2010. Manor (or Team Glock as it shall henceforth be known) are sniffing the crotch of Lucas di Grassi with some intent, seemingly ending any hope Irishman Adam Carroll had of making the F1 grid at the same time.
Meanwhile, USF1 have completely lost the plot, having offered a race contract to José María López, a man who hasn't driven a single seater car for three years, assuming that a) he secures a shedload of sponsorship money, and b) he is somehow allowed to race by the FIA. Assuming that deal is completed, the second seat could go to Jacques Villeneuve, who is "in training" in Austria in preparation for an F1 return. Jonathan Summerton, who earlier this month tweeted a mysterious message inferring he'd signed some sort of deal with the team, is likely to become a test driver for the team next season, a job that is unique in that it doesn't actually involve any work.
Finally, Lotus have signed a driver for 2010, but won't tell anybody who it is, though Jarno Trulli will almost certainly be confirmed at the team in the next couple of weeks, and the Qadbak Sauber team are still drifting in the ether, unsure as to whether they have a spot on the grid for 2010, whether Qadbak actually has any money to buy them should they get a slot, and completely at a loss as to who their drivers will be. Though recent rumours have linked Heikki Kovalainen and, in a slightly disappointing variation on the "Schumie comeback ZOMG!" headlines, Ralf Schumacher with the team for next year. Christian Klien has also said that he wants his future to be in F1, with Sauber being the most gullible likely team to take him on for next year.
Overall then, with less than four months left to the start of the 2010 season, 12 seats remain nominally 'available', and the plot of the off season continues to confuse us all. Still, we're almost certain that lesbian scene will be along soon.
Confirmed drivers so far:
Brawn GP - Rosberg / TBA
Red Bull - Webber / Vettel
McLaren - Hamilton / Button
Ferrari - Alonso / Massa
Williams - Barrichello / Hulkenburg
Renault - Kubica / TBA
Force India - TBA / TBA
Toro Rosso - Buemi / TBA
Qadbak Sauber - TBA / TBA
Campos - Senna / TBA
Manor - Glock / TBA
USF1 - TBA / TBA
Lotus - TBA / TBA
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I hope Renault stays in F1 for a long time. I will miss them if they pull out.
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