Another overtaking-fest in Japan, then. If you managed to fall asleep and dream your way through the race. Otherwise, it was quite dull really. Never mind, here's some Fifth Column lovelies for you, featuring the all-important TUF1WCIAWCC standings.
Sebastien Buemi - Rookie of the Year
"Oh dear, my Japan weekend is not making me many friends. I try my hardest in the qualifying, but I crash and I am so embarrassed about it that I try to get back to the team and apologise as soon as I possibly can. But the stewards say that I am being very naughty by doing this and they penalise me. NOOOOOOOOO! And then later on, I find out that they also penalise loads of other drivers as well for my accident. The drivers are not happy with me on the race morning, no matter how many times I do my Bourdais impression for them. I feel so ashamed, I just give up early on in the race. Hopefully I will buy them some presents in Brazil and they talk to me again."
Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week
Overtaking banned for 2010
As part of the FIA's efforts to cut costs in Formula One, the governing body has announced a total ban on overtaking for next season, a move that will be helped by the refuelling ban for the new season. After witnessing the aftereffects of Heikki Kovalainen's attempted pass on Adrian Sutil in Japan, Max Mosley decided that the price of overtaking was too costly. "The damage to the cars wasn't insignificant," Max said after the race, "And frankly, the extra price of fixing damaged cars from contact during overtaking moves is one the teams should not have to pay. Besides, we haven't really had any overtaking all season, so it's not like any bugger'll miss it." The plan needs to be verified by FOTA, but should it go through, drivers will leave the grid in 2010 in their grid order, and coast around for the prescribed number of laps, occasionally waving at a group of fans or telling a joke over the pit radio to keep everyone entertained.
Life at Ferrari with Giancarlo Fisichella
"Ah, to be here at Ferrari really is a fantastic experience. I wouldn't change it for the world. It really is the dream of every driver in Formula One. And I'm loving it here, especially the perks of the contract. I got my company car the other day, all shiny and new. I mean I was expecting a Ferrari or something, but a Fiat Punto is a good car as well. The team said they would have got me something faster but they're saving up for next season or something. Still, it's great to be here!!!!"
In Another World
On the BBC, Jonathan Legard concludes another annoying commentary by describing Sebastian Vettel crossing the line by getting weirdly artificially excited right at the end of a sentence.
On ITV, James Allen concludes another annoying commentary by ignoring Sebastian Vettel crossing the line in order to keep viewers updated on Jenson Button's final lap split times.
Eddie and David - The original Odd Couple
David: So Eddie, I think we need to get our stories straight for the qualifying coverage.
Eddie: Oh really, David. Well I'm not so sure about that.
David: No, come on Eddie. Jake's going to ask us if we think Barrichello can still win the title, one of us has to say yes, and the other has to say no. So will you say yes?
Eddie: I'll have to disagree with you there, David. I can't see myself ever saying that, really.
David: Ok, so you can disagree then, and say no he won't win?
Eddie: Ah, well, I think you're wrong there David. You and your driver's mindset.
David: What?
Eddie: You know what I mean, David. I really hate KERS.
David: Um...
Eddie: Did I tell you that I once met Richard Branson, David? Did I ever tell you that story?
*David puts his head in his hands and starts sobbing*
The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2009
| Points for Japan | |||
| Pos | Driver/Team | Crosses | Reason |
| 1 | Jarno Trulli | 5 Celtic Crosses | Forza Toyota! |
| 2 | Sebastian Vettel | 4 Celtic Crosses | Very very quick. |
| 3 | The Stewards | 3 Celtic Crosses | Helping to keep the championship close. |
| 4 | Sebastien Buemi | 2 Celtic Crosses | Helping the stewards to keep the championship close. |
| 5 | Ickle Heidfeld | 1 Celtic Cross | For using his lisp to sneak a naughty word onto the BBC. |
Review: Fernando Alonso keeps the lead in TUF1WCIAWCC, but with ten crosses still to play for, any one of 22 competitors could still win this year's championship. Sebastien Buemi scores his first points for ages thanks to his qualifying fun, Jarno Trulli moves into contention with a maximum cross-score, and Ickle gets his first cross of the season after swearing at Martin Brundle. This is way better than the real championship.
| TUF1WCIAWCC 2009 Standings | ||
| Pos | Driver/Team/Thing | Crosses |
| 1 | Fernando Alonso | 14 |
| 2 | Nico Rosberg | 13 |
| Timo Glock | 13 | |
| 4 | Sebastien Buemi | 12 1/2 |
| 5 | Rubens Barrichello | 12 |
| 6 | Mark Webber | 11 |
| 7 | Luca Badoer | 10 |
| Jarno Trulli | 10 | |
| 9 | Red Bull | 9 |
| Nelson Piquet Jr | 9 | |
| Lewis Hamilton | 9 | |
| 12 | Robert Kubica | 7 |
| Felipe Massa | 7 | |
| Giancarlo Fisichella | 7 | |
| 15 | Jenson Button | 6 |
| Adrian Sutil | 6 | |
| 17 | The BBC Coverage | 5 |
| Kimi Raikkonen | 5 | |
| BMW Sauber | 5 | |
| Vitantonio Liuzzi | 5 | |
| Toyota | 5 | |
| Sebastian Vettel | 5 | |
| 23 | Brawn GP | 4 |
| Jaime Alguersuari | 4 | |
| ITV | 4 | |
| Toro Rosso | 4 | |
| 27 | Sebastien Bourdais | 3 |
| Romain Grosjean | 3 | |
| The Stewards | 3 | |
| 30 | Half points | 2 1/2 |
| 31 | Kazuki Nakajima | 2 |
| 32 | Heikki Kovalainen | 1 |
| Ickle Heidfeld | 1 | |
| 34 | Ferrari | 1/2 |
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