Fifth Column - Brazil

The meaningless nonsense of the drivers championship may be over, but the meaningless nonsense of Fifth Column is far from finished, and neither is the meaningless nonsense of TUF1WCIAWCC. All the meaningless nonsense from Brazil is right here.

Sebastien Buemi - Rookie of the Year

"Hurrah for myself! I am feeling really good after the Brazilian race, I am scoring some points for the team! The weather in the qualifying was so bad, I thought I was back in the Swiss Alps. Haha! But I drive well, and then I keep going all through the race on Sunday. I could have done better, but I was feeling nice so I let Button through when he tried to be overtaking me, we don't need too many points after all!! Afterwards I had a big party in my motorhome, and it was very crazy let me tell you. I did not get to bed until 10.30pm! I am so crazy!!"

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

Someone somewhere fails to praise Button
The motorsport world was in shock tonight, after a vaguely famous F1 name failed to half-heartedly congratulate Jenson Button for his championship success. The as-yet unnamed Formula One personality is believed to have caused controversy among the media after failing to give a dull one-line quote stating that Button "did a good job" this season and "deserves his title". This follows unprecedented scenes of up to seventeen almost-memorable F1 names from the past desperately grabbing a moment in the spotlight to credit Button for limping so painfully to a dubiously deserved championship, rather than question what the hell took him so long. Brawn GP are said to be considering legal action against the unnamed person, accusing them of "offering a genuine opinion" on somebody winning the championship and claiming this move could set a dangerous precedent for former F1 drivers saying what they really think about champions for years to come.

Life at Ferrari with Giancarlo Fisichella

"I am still loving my time at Ferrari so much. I mean some of the things are a bit hard to get used to. I spent most of the weekend smelling pretty bad because I could not work out the shower in my motorhome. There were lots of buttons on the controls that I'd never seen before, you see, and I wasn't really sure what they did. And I dispute those people who say that I've made a mistake by coming here. After all, look at my shiny red overalls! Much better than those Force India efforts. I can honestly say that I've never been 'appier. Hurrah for Ferrari!!!"

In Another World

On the BBC, Martin Brundle's gridwalk features a desperate sprint down the length of the grid in an effort to secure an interview with all three championship contenders before the allotted time runs out.

On ITV, Martin Brundle's gridwalk features a desperate sprint down the length of the grid in an effort to secure an interview with both Lewis Hamilton and Lewis Hamilton's dad before the allotted time runs out.

Market Trading with John Button

"Cor blimey, hey. Gather round folks, cos I've got a gem of a prize for you lovely ladies and gents today. An exclusive set of winner's trophies, six of 'em in all. Only used once, they're a few months old but that don't matter. Love a duck, whatca reckon then, how much? I'm not askin' for an Archer, I'm not askin' for a monkey, I'm not even askin' ya for a ton. Who'll give me two score for the lot? Can you Adam and Eve how low that price is? Come on ladies and gents, this is a bona-fide chance to own a bit of 'istory. You can trust me, I ain't tellin' ya any pork pies. Roll up roll up, everything must go!"

Eddie and David - The original Odd Couple

David: Oh my Eddie, have you seen the weather?
Eddie: No, David, I think you know full well that I haven't, and shame on you for saying so.
David: Well anyway, it's really tipping it down, you might want to get a coat on.
Eddie: I'll do nothing of the sort David, as you know.
David: But you're going to get soaked.
Eddie: I'd have to disagree with you there, David, I'm afraid. There's no real way that can happen, and you know it.
David: What the hell are you talking about?
Eddie: I think you know exactly what I mean. Do you know that I once ate breakfast with Patrick Head, David? I can go and find him right now and he'll tell you the same thing.
*David stares blankly into space, his hair slowly turning grey*

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2009

	Points for Brazil
Pos	Driver/Team	Crosses	Reason
1	Kamui Kobayashi	5 Celtic Crosses	Dangerously entertaining
2	Mark Webber	4 Celtic Crosses	Webber4tehwin!
3	The BBC Coverage	3 Celtic Crosses	For managing to cover the 16 hour qualifying session
4	Sebastien Buemi	2 Celtic Crosses	Points for the Bwemmy!
5	Jenson Button	1 Celtic Cross	Title winner

Review: Dramatic scenes in TUF1WCIAWCC, with Australiasmarkwebber and Sebastien Buemi putting in a late surge for the title. Webbo now leads the standings, but with his notorious bad luck, Buemi will be confident of overturning the half-point gap in the final round in Abu Dhabi. With one round left to go, though, any one of the top eight could still win the third annual TUF1WCIAWCC, making this once again a far better championship format than the tired old F1 points system. Come on Bernie, adopt the crosses for 2010!

	TUF1WCIAWCC 2009 Standings
Pos	Driver/Team/Thing	Crosses
1	Mark Webber	15
2	Sebastien Buemi	14 1/2
3	Fernando Alonso	14
4	Nico Rosberg	13
	Timo Glock	13
6	Rubens Barrichello	12
7	Luca Badoer	10
	Jarno Trulli	10
9	Red Bull	9
	Nelson Piquet Jr	9
	Lewis Hamilton	9
12	The BBC Coverage	8
13	Robert Kubica	7
	Felipe Massa	7
	Giancarlo Fisichella	7
	Jenson Button	7
17	Adrian Sutil	6
18	Kimi Raikkonen	5
	BMW Sauber	5
	Vitantonio Liuzzi	5
	Toyota	5
	Sebastian Vettel	5
	Kamui Kobayashi	5
24	Brawn GP	4
	Jaime Alguersuari	4
	ITV	4
	Toro Rosso	4
28	Sebastien Bourdais	3
	Romain Grosjean	3
	The Stewards	3
31	Half points	2 1/2
32	Kazuki Nakajima	2
33	Heikki Kovalainen	1
	Ickle Heidfeld	1
35	Ferrari	1/2