Fifth Column - Abu Dhabi

And so, for one last time in 2009, Fifth Column is here for a final dose of rubbish jokes and nonsensical wordplay. And, of course, the all-important final standings in TUF1WCIAWCC. How much did Nico win by this year? Let's find out.

Sebastien Buemi - Rookie of the Year

"It is the end of the season, my first season in the Formula One, and I finish with a point! I am so happy for myself and the team, and we really want to party hard to celebrate! Well, everybody wants to party except my friend Jamie, he needs to be in bed by 8 o'clock, you see. But me and the team, we party like it is the 1999, yes! We drink the champagne, we do the dancing, it is lots of fun. I feel a little bit drunk after a while, but the team tells me that I can't get drunk of the water of roses or something. I don't understand. Anyway, I drank three bottles of champagne and was still standing! Hurrah for me!"

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

Toyota propose "Talent Cap" for 2010
The latest cost-cutting measure up for debate in the F1 pits came to light yesterday, as Toyota boss John Howett confirmed that they have begun to lobby the FIA to introduce a mandatory cap on driver talent for the start of the 2010 season.

"It simply isn't a level playing field," Howett told reporters concerning their submission, "Some teams have an awful lot more talent available than others, and it is getting increasingly difficult for us to compete. All we're doing is proposing a workable limit for teams to abide by. Have you seen what we've got left to pick from next year? Heikki sodding Kovalainen, for christ's sake!"

The proposal, nicknamed "The Ralf Doctrine" by FIA insiders, is currently being considered by the FIA World Council, and is understood to work on a complex scale of equivocation. For example, Ferrari's 2010 driver lineup of Fernando Alonso and Felipe Massa would be deemed too high a standard, with the team forced to replace one driver with a slightly cack-handed Eastern European from GP2 or something. Meanwhile Toyota's proposed choices of Kamui Kobayashi and Kovalainen would be low enough that the team would be allowed to swap either driver for the reincarnated body of Juan Manuel Fangio.

A decision on the proposal is expected before the start of the 2009 season next March.

Life at Ferrari with Giancarlo Fisichella

"Ah no, my time racing for the best team in the world is at an end. I have thanked all of the team for treating me so nicely during my time in the race seat. Even my engineer man Rob Smedley was saying nice things, he told me that it has been good for him to do his job without the pressure on him to win, so I must have done a good job! I just can't believe that my time in my dream job is already over. In fact, it might not be, have I finished the Abu Dhabi race yet? One more lap? Oh, ok..."

In Another World

On the BBC, Martin Brundle gets excited over the thrilling last lap battle between Webber and Button.

On ITV, Martin Brundle struggles to get excited over the thrilling last lap battle between Webber and Button, after getting put off by the sobs from his co-commentator over Hamilton's retirement.

Eddie and David - The original Odd Couple

David: Hey Eddie, it's a shame the season is over, isn't it?
Eddie: I'll have to disagree with you there, David. I'm afraid you're wrong.
David: Really? Well I guess you're right, it'll be nice to have a bit of time off.
Eddie: What are you talking about, David, of course it won't. I can't believe you're that wrong about this.
David: What? Anyway, you doing anything nice this winter?
Eddie: I doubt that very much David. Have I ever told you how much the success of Force India is down to me?
David: You'll have to excuse me, Eddie. I'm off to see my lawyer.
Eddie: Oh, you're probably wrong about doing that.
David: I doubt it, there's got to be some way to get out of this BBC contract.
*David stalks off*

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2009

	Points for Abu Dhabi
Pos	Driver/Team	Crosses	Reason
1	Kamui Kobayashi	5 Celtic Crosses	He's literally the greatest driver ever.
2	Sebastian Vettel	4 Celtic Crosses	Won by miles.
3	Sebastien Buemi	3 Celtic Crosses	More points for the Bwemmy!
4	Mark Webber	2 Celtic Crosses	Made things entertaining at the end.
5	Jenson Button	1 Celtic Cross	Made things entertaining at the end.

Review: What an incredible finale to TUF1WCIAWCC! After 17 completely arbitrary assigment of Celtic Crosses, the universal method of judging literally everything, we have our first ever TUF1WCIAWCC rookie champion, as Sebastien Buemi wins the title by half a point from Mark Webber! Buemi follows in the footsteps of 2007 champion Nico Rosberg and 2008 champion Robert Kubica and will receive the TUF1WCIAWCC trophy for this year, made from an empty can of Purple Tin and a curly straw, which is waiting for him in the Patty HQ reception area, should he want to come over and pick it up.

Having finished second in another championship this season, the Red Bull gang can take heart from the fact that they have won TUF1WCIAWCC constructors championship, finishing four crosses clear of BMW Sauber.

It's been an incredible season in TUF1WCIAWCC, and we can only hope for similar arbitrary actions in 2010.

	TUF1WCIAWCC 2009 Standings
Pos	Driver/Team/Thing	Crosses
1	Sebastien Buemi	17 1/2
2	Mark Webber	17
3	Fernando Alonso	14
4	Nico Rosberg	13
	Timo Glock	13
6	Rubens Barrichello	12
7	Luca Badoer	10
	Jarno Trulli	10
	Kamui Kobayashi	10
10	Red Bull	9
	Nelson Piquet Jr	9
	Lewis Hamilton	9
	Sebastian Vettel	9
14	The BBC Coverage	8
	Jenson Button	8
16	Robert Kubica	7
	Felipe Massa	7
	Giancarlo Fisichella	7
19	Adrian Sutil	6
20	Kimi Raikkonen	5
	BMW Sauber	5
	Vitantonio Liuzzi	5
	Toyota	5
24	Brawn GP	4
	Jaime Alguersuari	4
	ITV	4
	Toro Rosso	4
28	Sebastien Bourdais	3
	Romain Grosjean	3
	The Stewards	3
31	Half points	2 1/2
32	Kazuki Nakajima	2
33	Heikki Kovalainen	1
	Ickle Heidfeld	1
35	Ferrari	1/2