Fifth Column

The Italian Grand Prix was supposed to see someone other than a certain pointy-fingered German win, but he went and won anyway. Still, while the championship is almost at an end, Fifth Column and TUF1WCIAWCC remains alive and well.

The HRT Locker - No Cash, No Hope

Tonio: Well, that could certainly have gone better.
Daniel: Aw look, you're telling me mate, strewth, bonza.
Colin: Yes, and Tonio, I have some more bad news for you.
Tonio: The new sponsor cheque bounced?
Colin: No, but I'm afraid you're out for the rest of the season.
Daniel: Aw look, strewth, cobba, what a flamin' nuisance.
Tonio: Why? Surely you're not getting Narain back in.
Colin: No, we're not.
Tonio: You've found someone with an actual proper sponsor?
Colin: No. I don't think you understand.
Tonio: Then what?
Colin: We're not replacing you, we just can't afford to repair your car.
Daniel: Strewth.

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

Vettel's rivals plan to 'ignore him and hope he goes away'
Sebastian Vettel's championship rivals have unveiled their latest team-spanning plot to thwart the German's efforts to win every championship for the rest of time, by essentially refusing to acknowledge his existance.

The plan, reportedly agreed on by F1's top drivers in a secret meeting during the Italian GP weekend, will build on Mark Webber's efforts to ignore Vettel, which the Australian driver has been perfecting since some point in mid-2010.

Although no drivers were available for comment, one source from within the meeting claimed that their plans would include "refusing to talk to him on the driver parade", "not sitting next to him at lunch" and "spraying champagne over each other rather than him".

The source added: "It's a high-risk strategy, but the drivers feel that they have no other choice given how Vettel looks like he's preparing to win the next ten straight world championships.

"The idea is that if everyone ignores him, he'll maybe realise that nobody cares that he won another race, and he'll bugger off to drive at Le Mans or something."

However, some F1 insiders doubt the plan's validity.

"This sort of idea does not have a good track record," one pundit commented on Sunday evening in Monza, "Look at Massa. Ferrari have been ignoring him since October 2008, and he's still here."

Jonathan Legard's Unofficial Review of the Italian GP

"It's nearly all over now there then there. Sebastian Vettel wins again, he pushed on a charge all the way through the Italian weekend and got another win in twenty-eleven! Look at his pole lap, over the kerb, and another, and up the hill, was it going to be good enough? Yes it was!

"And as for his rivals, they're licking their wounds there, there. What a disaster for Hamilton, Schumacher drove a charging race and Hamilton couldn't get past until it was far too late. That's not gone well at all there. And now to Singapore, there, where Vettel will looking to be good enough for another title, there. What on Earth will happen there?"

Overtakingwatch - The Overtaking Warning System

The Fifth Column OWS is designed to prepare and warn you of the possibility that you may see one car passing another car on the track during a grand prix.

Current Status: ELEVATED

The OWS moves back down to a safer level after dodging a significant overtaking-shaped bullet in Italy. The threat of overtaking from double-DRS zones and the like was enormous, but thankfully, the deployment of a strategic Michael Schumacher appeared to keep overtaking levels within normal tolerances.

And for Singapore, where the street track layout will hopefully keep levels down again, no matter how many overtaking zones the FIA choose to implement, the OWS is therefore set at its lowest level for many weeks. We should be safe, or is that just what they want you to think??

Please take the warnings under advisement and make the necessary preparations to deal with the possibility of watching some overtaking.

Flogging a Dead Horse - Sky's Possible F1 2012 PR campaigns

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2011

	Points for Italy
Pos	Driver/Team	Crosses	Reason
1	Vitantonio Liuzzi	5 Celtic Crosses	RANDOM HRT OUT OF NOWHERE!
2	Sebastian Vettel	4 Celtic Crosses	Won thanks to a proper overtaking move.
3	Fernando Alonso	3 Celtic Crosses	For his brilliant start.
4	Michael Schumacher	2 Celtic Crosses	For making an overtaking fight interesting.
5	Bruno Senna	1 Celtic Cross	Scored some points!

Review: The championship fight in TUF1WCIAWCC is well and truly on, and although Schumie extends his cross lead to three, he now has four drivers within striking distance of his top spot, including Monza cross-winners Alonso and Vettel.

Elsewhere, Liuzzi vaults up the table with slightly more dignity than he vaulted into the first corner, while Bruno Senna breaks his crossless performance for the season thanks to not being rubbish.

	TUF1WCIAWCC 2011 Standings
Pos	Driver/Team/Thing	Crosses
1	Michael Schumacher	16
2	Sebastien Buemi	13
3	Jenson Button	12
	Sebastian Vettel	12
	Fernando Alonso	12
6	Kamui Kobayashi	10
	Pastor Maldonado	10
8	Lewis Hamilton	9
	Felipe Massa	9
	Vitantonio Liuzzi	9
11	Mark Webber	8
12	Daniel Ricciardo	7
	Nico Rosberg	7
14	Vitaly Petrov	5
	DRS Wings	5
	Pirelli	5
	Jaime Alguersuari	5
	Adrian Sutil	5
	Paul di Resta	5
20	Hispania Racing	4
	Race Stewards	4
	Istanbul Park	4
	Sergio Perez	4
	Red Bull	4
	Karun Chandhok	4
26	Ickle Nick Heidfeld	2
	Heikki Kovalainen	2
	The BBC	2
29	Bruno Senna	1