Fifth Column - Singapore

Under the lights of Singapore, everyone got treated to a slightly boring race of domination from Sebby Vettel. Still, at least Fifth Column is now here, dispensing dodgy jokes and delivering you the latest standings from TUF1WCIAWCC.

The HRT Locker - No Cash, No Hope

Daniel: Strewth, it's dark enough alright here, mate, cobba, bonza.
Tonio: I don't understand why it is so dark in the garage.
Colin: Ah yes, that'll be me. We've had a few issues paying the bills this month.
Daniel: Jeez, mate, cobba, strewth.
Tonio: So we have to sit in darkness for the whole weekend?
Colin: No, don't worry. I have a plan.
Tonio: And what's that?
Colin: Here, take this lead and try and plug it into the socket for the floodlights. Free power!
Daniel: Strewth.

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

McLaren deny Hamilton crashes are training for 'Vettel sabotage'
The McLaren F1 team have been forced to deny that Lewis Hamilton's crash-riddled season has actually been a training exercise to perfect his ability to ruin another driver's race in preparation for the title run-in.

Sebastian Vettel needs just a single point at the Japanese Grand Prix in Suzuka in two weeks time to clinch the 2011 title, even if McLaren's Jenson Button wins every single one of the remaining five races. But according to one McLaren insider, Hamilton's crash-addled season has in fact been part of the team's plans all along.

"Lewis can now lacerate an opponent's tyre on demand," the insider was quoted as saying, "And if that doesn't work, he can just launch himself into their sidepod at the next available hairpin. The plan is slowly coming together."

But despite the implication that Hamilton will now be used to cause Vettel's retirement from the final five races, giving Button the chance to secure the title, McLaren team boss Martin Whitmarsh has denied the claims.

"We here at Vodafone McLaren Mercedes would never consider such an action," he grinned while waving a mobile phone at some reporters, "We are committed to winning the final five races, and giving Lewis and his Vodafone McLaren Mercedes car the best chance of success."

He went on to add: "Now, can I talk to you for a few minutes about Vodafone?"

But the reports of Hamilton's kamikaze mission at the end of the season were heightened after the Singapore GP, when the McLaren driver was reportedly spotted after the race watching re-runs of Ayrton Senna's start at Suzuka in 1990, and muttering "So that's the line I'll need to take," under his breath.

Jonathan Legard's Unofficial Review of the Singapore GP

"Oh! Lewis Hamilton, there! Again, there, making contact with the Ferrari. That's not gone right at all, what on earth was going on there, there, there? It was Massa from Hamilton as they went over the kerbs, but he pushed on a charge too much and there, contact was made there.

"All of which leaves Sebastian Vettel, Red Bull, there, leading the championship and surely ready to win the title in Japan here, there. He was on a charge throughout the race, came up to the line, was he going to be good enough??? What do you think?"

Overtakingwatch - The Overtaking Warning System

The Fifth Column OWS is designed to prepare and warn you of the possibility that you may see one car passing another car on the track during a grand prix.

Current Status: GUARDED

Signs of a positive end to our long struggle against overtaking are increasing, after the slightly more boring than standard Singapore Grand Prix. For Japan, which always tends to be a bit boring as well for some reason, the OWS is dropping another warning level.

Not that this means that we shouldn't be vigilant. After all, the FIA could react with double overtaking zones, or the weather could turn distinctly wet. So for those reasons, we must remain aware that overtaking could break out at any point.

Please take the warnings under advisement and make the necessary preparations to deal with the possibility of watching some overtaking.

Flogging a Dead Horse - Sky's Possible F1 2012 PR campaigns

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2011

	Points for Singapore
Pos	Driver/Team	Crosses	Reason
1	Paul di Resta	5 Celtic Crosses	Points to Paul!
2	Heikki Kovalainen	4 Celtic Crosses	A Malaysilotus beat a Renaultus.
3	Felipe Massa	3 Celtic Crosses	For getting hilariously angry.
4	Kamui Kobayashi	2 Celtic Crosses	He was bonkers. More so than usual.
5	Sebastian Vettel	1 Celtic Cross	He won and that.

Review: Pah, never mind the stupid proper F1 championship. If you want a close title fight, come to TUF1WCIAWCC. With just five races and 25 crosses still to be handed out, literally anyone could still win the crown, even those drivers and teams that haven't yet scored a cross of their own.

And at the top of the standings, any one of seven drivers could take the lead at the next round of TUF1WCIAWCC, despite Schumie's still-impressive three cross lead.

	TUF1WCIAWCC 2011 Standings
Pos	Driver/Team/Thing	Crosses
1	Michael Schumacher	16
2	Sebastien Buemi	13
	Sebastian Vettel	13
4	Jenson Button	12
	Fernando Alonso	12
	Felipe Massa	12
	Kamui Kobayashi	12
8	Pastor Maldonado	10
	Paul di Resta	10
10	Lewis Hamilton	9
	Vitantonio Liuzzi	9
12	Mark Webber	8
13	Daniel Ricciardo	7
	Nico Rosberg	7
15	Heikki Kovalainen	6
16	Vitaly Petrov	5
	DRS Wings	5
	Pirelli	5
	Jaime Alguersuari	5
	Adrian Sutil	5
21	Hispania Racing	4
	Race Stewards	4
	Istanbul Park	4
	Sergio Perez	4
	Red Bull	4
	Karun Chandhok	4
27	Ickle Nick Heidfeld	2
	The BBC	2
29	Bruno Senna	1