Fifth Column

The first-ever Indian Grand Prix delighted drivers, teams and fans. Until the race started and everyone fell asleep. Still, at least Fifth Column is now here, with some tired and naff jokes and the latest from TUF1WCIAWCC.

The HRT Locker - No Cash, No Hope

Narain: Ah, it is good to be back in the car.
Colin: And it's good to have your spons...erm, I mean you back Narain.
Daniel: Strewth, yeah, bonza mate.
Narain: Actually boss, I was wondering what my chances were of coming back next season.
Colin: Well, we are obviously looking to push forwards for 2012.
Narain: Right...
Colin: We are really looking to get the highest calibre of driver.
Narain: But...
Colin: And so I think we'll need to consider that very seriously.
Narain: What if I got myself another sponsor?
Colin: See you in Melbourne!
Daniel: Strewth.

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

Hamilton denies blame for Massa car park collision
McLaren's Lewis Hamilton has insisted that he was not at fault for a crash with Felipe Massa's hire car in the car park following the Indian Grand Prix.

Reports suggest that Hamilton's garish Mercedes made contact with Massa's Fiat 500 as the duo attempted to manoeuvre out of the car park in an effort to beat the traffic to Delhi's airport.

The collision caused minor damage to both cars, but Hamilton insisted that he was not at fault.

"I was just minding my own business, and there he was," the McLaren man said, "I mean, I guess I could have checked my mirrors, but they're really small on this car and I can't really see out of them."

But Massa also insisted that Hamilton had been at fault, suggesting that it was simply the latest in a vendetta against him.

"It is always him crashing into me," Massa bellowed while filling in his insurance details on a claims form for the damage, rumoured to extend to some paint scratches and a dent in the left-side door.

"He needs a penalty or something, lots of penalties. Or at least, if he takes the blame, then I don't lose my no-claims bonus."

McLaren boss martin Whitmarsh said that he would not act as an intermediary in the dispute, saying that the spat was "too bloody funny" to try and sort out quickly.

Jonathan Legard's Unofficial Review of the Indian GP

"Oh no, there! Lewis Hamilton has gone right into Massa again, there. That's not gone well at all. He went over the kerbs and past the Ferrari, but Massa went right to the left there! Another collision between them in twenty-eleven, what on earth was going on there?

"But there was no problems for Sebastian Vettel there, he was always going to be good enough again. And as for India, they pushed on a charge and got the track ready in time there. Plus, apparently Brundle's off to Sky, there, good news for me."

Overtakingwatch - The Overtaking Warning System

The Fifth Column OWS is designed to prepare and warn you of the possibility that you may see one car passing another car on the track during a grand prix.

Current Status: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

It has been a long and difficult year-long campaign against the threat of overtaking, but the OWS's confidence after the Korean race has been born out by the Indian GP.

The menace of overtaking on track has now been completely eradicated, knowing that even when Lewis Hamilton tries to pass someone, Agent Massa will swiftly deal with the issue.

Now, we can safely return to normal service, processional races punctuated by pit stops, without worrying that the neat race order will be threatened by one car passing another car. The mission of the OWS is complete.

And just in case you weren't 100% convinced, remember that we're off to Abu Dhabi next, a track that joined in the OWS's campaign against overtaking from the very start of its design.

Please go about your normal business, safe in the knowledge that F1 is safe once again.

Flogging a Dead Horse - Sky's Possible F1 2012 PR campaigns

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2011

	Points for India
Pos	Driver/Team	Crosses	Reason
1	Karun Chandhok	5 Celtic Crosses	Best FP1 cameo ever!
2	Felipe Massa	4 Celtic Crosses	For going mental.
3	Heikki Kovalainen	3 Celtic Crosses	Raced properly in a Lotus.
4	Michael Schumacher	2 Celtic Crosses	11th to 5th!
5	Sebastian Vettel	1 Celtic Cross	For winning and that.

Review: The drama. TUF1WCIAWCC 2011 suddenly sees the number of potential champions reduced from 28 to just 15 in one race weekend. Still, a 15-way championship shoot-out is still a bit better than the main 2011 championship, so we're still expecting a call from Bernie any day now.

In the standings, Felipe Massa has made a break for glory, but he is being shadowed every step by Michael Schumacher. The top two now have a full two-cross lead over the rest of the field. Will that be decisive? Maybe, maybe not. Who really knows.

	TUF1WCIAWCC 2011 Standings
Pos	Driver/Team/Thing	Crosses
1	Felipe Massa	18.5
2	Michael Schumacher	18
3	Sebastian Vettel	16
4	Kamui Kobayashi	15
5	Daniel Ricciardo	14
6	Sebastien Buemi	13
	Heikki Kovalainen	13
8	Lewis Hamilton	12.5
9	Jenson Button	12
	Fernando Alonso	12
11	Pastor Maldonado	10
	Paul di Resta	10
	Jaime Alguersuari	10
14	Vitantonio Liuzzi	9
	Karun Chandhok	9
16	Mark Webber	8
17	Nico Rosberg	7
	Vitaly Petrov	7
19	DRS Wings	5
	Pirelli	5
	Adrian Sutil	5
	Sergio Perez	5
23	Hispania Racing	4
	Race Stewards	4
	Istanbul Park	4
	Red Bull	4
27	Ickle Nick Heidfeld	2
	The BBC	2
29	Bruno Senna	1