Fifth Column - Abu Dhabi

The penultimate race of the season saw Vettel finally fail, Hamilton finally not fail and not much else. Which of course means that Fifth Column has very little material to work off, not that such an issue has ever stopped it before.

Not bad For A Number Two Driver

Exclusive transcript from Mark Webber's pit radio, circa lap 39, as he battles on track with Felipe Massa.
Ciaron Pilbeam: Ok Mark, we need to get past Massa.
Mark Webber: Yeah, about that, I've got an idea.
CP: What is it?
MW: It's a foolproof way of getting past. Basically, I pit now.
CP: Right...
MW: And take more soft tyres, right mate?
CP: Rig...erm, wait, what?
MW: Then I'll just need to do 15-20 qualifying laps on the softs, pass Jenson, pass Britney, maybe pass a few other guys out of position, hope Massa takes the prime tyres around about the same time as me taking these softs, avoid lapped traffic, make another late stop for the primes, hope you guys do the stop quickly and then gun it back onto the track.
CP: ....What?
MW: It's a tops plan mate. And if I've worked it out right, there's about a 60% chance it'll work.
CP: Ok. Or, you could just pass him Mark, he's right in front of you now?
MW: Yeah....I'm gonna go with my plan mate. Box. Box. Box.

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

Red Bull denies Vettel 'delirious' after DNF
The Red Bull team have insisted that Sebastian Vettel was perfectly ok after his Abu Dhabi GP retirement, despite reports that the German had reacted oddly to his first retirement in over a year.

The opening lap retirement at the Yas Marina track brought to an end Vettel's run of consecutive finishes, finishes that more often than not equated to a win.

And according to some reports from Abu Dhabi, Vettel had simply not known how to react when he failed to finish the race.

One insider said that he found his way into the podium preparation area shortly after retiring, where he was seen to mutter something about needing his 'official watch' for the podium.

Meanwhile, an unnamed RBR mechanic said that he and others had been drenched by Vettel shaking up a series of bottles of Coke in the team's garage before spraying them over passers by and inviting them to do the same to him.

But RBR team boss Christian Horner denied that the shock of actually failing to stand on a podium had sent his driver insane.

"Seb is fine," Horner explained, "He was just having a bit of a laugh with the guys, I'm sure. There are no problems."

Asked about reports that Vettel was seen being led back to his motorhome in what one eyewitness described as a 'lurid straightjacket', Horner insisted: "That's nonsense. Seb just borrowed one of Eddie Jordan's shirts, that's all."

Jonathan Legard's Unofficial Review of the Abu Dhabi GP

"What a turnaround in Abyy Dabby there! Sebastian Vettel, there, that's not gone well at all, a puncture and a retirement, there, he won't be happy with that. And all after he went up to the line in qualifying there to get the pole position there.

"But then Lewis Hamilton there, what a race from him, there. He was pushing on throughout the race, charging down the straights, there. What a win that was for the McLaren man there, and maybe more to come when we go up the hill to Brazil."

Overtakingwatch - The Overtaking Warning System

The Fifth Column OWS is designed to prepare and warn you of the possibility that you may see one car passing another car on the track during a grand prix.

Current Status: MISSION STILL ACCOMPLISHED

Just because the OWS's mission to eradicate overtaking has ended, that doesn't mean we're not still looking out for the dastardly phenomenon returning, as it tried to in Abu Dhabi.

Thankfully, the OWS was able to use overtaking's own resources against them, cleverly positioning one DRS zone after the other, so while overtaking may have occurred, it was quickly cancelled out and the safe status quo order was resumed.

For Brazil, the OWS will continue to try and ensure that overtaking does not ruin another grand prix, possibly by using another double DRS zone, or possibly by just having one zone down a straight too short for the wings to work on.

Please go about your normal business, safe in the knowledge that F1 is safe once again.

Captionable Pictures

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2011

	Points for Abu Dhabi
Pos	Driver/Team	Crosses	Reason
1	Pirelli	5 Celtic Crosses	Finally found a way of stopping Vettel.
2	Mark Webber	4 Celtic Crosses	Most entertaining strategy ever.
3	Williams	3 Celtic Crosses	Just to make them feel better.
4	Kamui Kobayashi	2 Celtic Crosses	A point!
5	Lewis Hamilton	1 Celtic Cross	Won, and didn't put on his sadface afterwards.

Review: Another dramatic event in the TUF1WCIAWCC 2011, but after 18 of the 19 races, we now have a definitive shortlist of potential winners in what will be a six-way shootout for the title, after the Brazil points were largely scored by other people.

Felipe Massa will go to the final race of TUF1WCIAWCC 2011 with a half-a-cross lead over Michael Schumacher, with Kamui Kobayashi just another cross behind. Meanwhile, regular F1 champion Sebby Vettel, Daniel 'Web 2.0' Ricciardo and Lewis Hamilton all remain in at least mathematical contention for the TUF1WCIAWCC 2011 title.

It's the closest TUF1WCIAWCC on record (maybe, we couldn't be bothered to check) and it will all come down to the Brazilian Grand Prix. Take THAT, FIA points system!

	TUF1WCIAWCC 2011 Standings
Pos	Driver/Team/Thing	Crosses
1	Felipe Massa	18.5
2	Michael Schumacher	18
	Kamui Kobayashi	17
3	Sebastian Vettel	16
5	Daniel Ricciardo	14
	Lewis Hamilton	13.5
6	Sebastien Buemi	13
	Heikki Kovalainen	13
9	Jenson Button	12
	Fernando Alonso	12
	Mark Webber	12
11	Pastor Maldonado	10
	Paul di Resta	10
	Jaime Alguersuari	10
	Pirelli	10
14	Vitantonio Liuzzi	9
	Karun Chandhok	9
17	Nico Rosberg	7
	Vitaly Petrov	7
19	DRS Wings	5
	Adrian Sutil	5
	Sergio Perez	5
23	Hispania Racing	4
	Race Stewards	4
	Istanbul Park	4
	Red Bull	4
	Williams	3
27	Ickle Nick Heidfeld	2
	The BBC	2
29	Bruno Senna	1