Fifth Column - Turkey

Jenson Button won again in Turkey then. The whole championship is almost becoming a bit predictable. Thankfully, TUF1WCIAWCC is anything but! Read all about that, and plenty more poorly-thought out humour as well with the latest Fifth Column!

Sebastien Buemi - Rookie of the Year

"After my big mistake in Monaco, I try to keep a low profile in Turkey. It seemed to work, I barely was bothered by fans at all, but then every driver was saying the same thing. Very strange. My hopes of keeping quiet in the race itself went wrong as well, and I end up overtaking the Lewis Hamilton! I didn't mean to, but he was so slow and I had no choice but to go past him. I apologise to him after the race, but he didn't seem to know who I was. My efforts at keeping quiet must be working then!"

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

Eddie Jordan comes out in defence of KERS
BBC pundit and occasional Irish stereotype Eddie Jordan sensationally came out in defence of the to-be-mothballed KERS devices this week, after the teams had decided to get rid of the troublesome devices. Jordan was quoted as saying: "I know I went on about how much I hated KERS, literally every second I was on screen at half the grands prix this year," he shouted, "But really, having thought about it, I decided I must be wrong, because with it being my opinion, it's bound to be wrong." Eddie concluded by saying that he had no plans to change his opinion on David Coulthard, and ended by muttering "So there you go, I'm sure I'm right this time. I used to own an F1 team you know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've forgotten where I live..."

In Another World...

On the BBC, slightly odd pre-race feature sees Jake Humphrey working out in the gym with Lewis Hamilton, filmed in a gently mocking manner and featuring more slapstick moments than the average Police Academy film.

On ITV, slightly odd pre-race feature sees James Allen working out in the gym with Lewis Hamilton, filmed in lustful soft focus and featuring more latent homoeroticism than the locker room scene in Top Gun.

Trading Places - Handy hints for British bandwagoners

Tip #1 - Save money on costly and time-consuming banner making ahead of the Silverstone weekend by simply painting an extra "-r mate in the other car" phrase onto your "We love you Lewis!" bedsheet from last year.

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2009

	Points for Turkey
Pos	Driver/Team	Crosses	Reason
1	Rubens Barrichello	5 Celtic Crosses	A one man entertainment package
2	Nelson Piquet Jr	4 Celtic Crosses	Move of the race on Hamilton
3	Robert Kubica	3 Celtic Crosses	Points!
4	Kazuki Nakajima	2 Celtic Crosses	Deserved points
5	Jenson Button	1 Celtic Cross	It's not domination!

Review: Rubens Barrichello may not be able to make the proper championship work, but he's right in the hunt in TUF1WCIAWCC. A maximum cross score in Turkey moves Boobens up into second place, just 1 1/2 crosses behind the championship leader Sebastien Buemi. Also moving up after Turkey are Robert Kubica and Nelson Piquet Jr, whle Kazuki Nakajima gets some crosses on the board for this season. Still plenty to play for in TUF1WCIAWCC then. Use the crosses for 2010, Bernie!

	TUF1WCIAWCC 2009 Standings
Pos	Driver/Team/Thing	Crosses
1	Sebastien Buemi	10 1/2
2	Rubens Barrichello	9
3	Mark Webber	7
	Nico Rosberg	7
	Robert Kubica	7
6	Jenson Button	6
	Nelson Piquet Jr	6
8	Red Bull	5
	Jarno Trulli	5
10	Brawn GP	4
	Lewis Hamilton	4
	Kimi Raikkonen	4
13	Timo Glock	3
	BMW Sauber	3
	Fernando Alonso	3
16	Half points	2 1/2
17	Toyota	2
	Felipe Massa	2
	Lewis Hamilton	2
	Kazuki Nakajima	2
21	Heikki Kovalainen	1
	Sebastien Bourdais	1
	Sebastian Vettel	1
24	Ferrari	1/2