Patronise F1

In a week where we said goodbye to Silverstone, common sense and Jenson Button's run of incessant victories, Fifth Column takes a look at none of those issues in another round of dire comedy and trifling nonsense. Plus, there's the latest standings in TUF1WCIAWCC. So it's not all bad.

Sebastien Buemi - Rookie of the Year

"I have a quiet weekend at the Silverstone, but then I always wanted to do it like this. But now the team are upset with me for the performance, but I don't understand what I did wrong. I think they say I take the motto on my bosses door wrong. I saw when I met him that he has motto of "nice guys finish last" pinned to his big wooden door, and I know I am a nice guy, so that is exactly what I did. I follow the orders. And now he is unhappy? I don't understand this Formula One sometimes."

The Max and Bernie Show

Bernie: You've certainly done it this time, old chap.
Max: I know, I know.
Bernie: Teams leaving, fans calling for our heads, and this is all because of you.
Max: I know, brilliant, isn't it?
Bernie: What?
Max: Well, I was thinking about the need to cut costs.
Bernie: Yes....
Max: So just imagine how much money we can save when we only need to transport ten cars around the globe! I'm a genius!

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

Red Bull plan breakaway series
The Red Bull teams have announced plans to launch a breakaway series from the planned FOTA series, after a petty argument over something tedious. The team is confident that it has enough drivers on the Red Bull development ladder to form a competitive grid, and new teams will follow Toro Rosso's example and copy the design of whatever Adrian Newey has built for that year. Asked to comment on the split, Toyota boss John Howett opined that: "Waaah waaah waaah, money money waaah governance waaah our rules waaah." In retaliation at this gripe, Christian Horner claimed that: "Waaah waaah waaah, too late for talk waaah waaah waaah don't like them anyway waaah waaah." Max Mosley, meanwhile, responded to this new development by triumphantly stating that: "Waaah waaah waaah my way or the highway waaah waaah waaah."

In Another World...

On the BBC, the last race of Silverstone is marked with a poignant, sepia-tinged montage of races from days gone by.

On ITV, the last race at Silverstone is marked with an embarrassing, alcohol-tinged singalong to some dodgy rock music, set to a montage of Lewis Hamilton's win in 2008.

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2009

Review: Some surprising cross-scorers in Britain, as the BBC's devotion to interview every single human being at the circuit in the post-race show earns them plaudits, and Giancarlo Fisichella gets his first crosses for the year thanks to actually bothering to overtake someone (in fact, overtake two people at once). Red Bull take a menacing lead in the constructors standings, and move to within 1 1/2 crosses of the overall top spot. With Sebastien Bwemmy losing much of his early season form, can the Swiss man hold on over the rest of the season?