Fifth Column - Germany

Germany saw the end of the longest bottling streak this side of the New Zealand rugby team, and Rubens Barrichello get in a tizzy over team tactics. Fifth Column addresses none of that with another dose of needless stupidity, satire and TUF1WCIAWCC.

Sebastien Buemi - Rookie of the Year

"This Formula One is still confusing me, I have to be saying. We go to Germany this week, and I have a good race I think. But my team mate spends the whole weekend acting like the madman. He talks about something called "Jaime" and gets angry with me when I ask him if he saw the Rallying results from last week. And then, after the race, he give me a big hug! I am all confused, usually I like to hug the ladies rather than the men, you know what I am saying? But still, I think a hug is a hug. And at least he is being nice again, I hope we are team mates for a long time to come."

The Diary of an F1 Conspiracy Theorist (Aged 36 1/2)

"It's been a while since I last wrote in my diary, but that doesn't mean that I've been letting the FIArrari get away with their evil manipulations, oh no. I have been watching the unfolding 'crisis' with great interest, both through the media, and through my own selection of YouTube clips showing grainy footage of the meeting on the boat in Monaco. And I have shocking news, my friends. Once again, this whole thing is there to benefit one team, and one team only. Yes, Ferrari International Assistance are sorting it out quite well here for the cheating Tiflolsi. And why is that, you ask? Well, that'd be telling, wouldn't it. Who is favourite to take over from Max? None other than Mr Todt, of course! How VERY CONVENIENT! HOW VERY VERY CONVENIENT!"

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

Sebastien Loeb announces candidacy for FIA Presidency
Five-time World Rally Champion has announced his plan to stand for election in this October's FIA presidential elections, after his earlier plans to race for the Toro Rosso team were scuppered. When asked about the move by Autosport, Loeb said: "Listen, I'm really really bored with the whole rallying thing. Do you know how long it's been since I didn't win. It's awful. I need to do something, anything, else before I just end it all." Loeb will face a challenge from Ari Vatanen, Max Mosley and James Allen. Possibly.

The Peter Drury Award for Services to Tenuous Commentary Segues.

"The man who broke his leg last winter has broken his duck!" - Jonathan Legard on Webber's win.

The Martin Luther King Award for Erudite Speeches

"Yeeeeees! F**king beauty!" - Mark Webber, moments after winning the race.

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2009

	Points for Germany
Pos	Driver/Team	Crosses	Reason
1	Nico Rosberg	5 Celtic Crosses	Top, top driving
2	Mark Webber	4 Celtic Crosses	Almost as good
3	Fernando Alonso	3 Celtic Crosses	To keep the whole Patty bandwagon happy
4	Sebastien Bourdais	2 Celtic Crosses	Out of pity
5	Nelson Piquet Jr	1 Celtic Cross	Outqualified Lolonso!

Review: Big changes at the top of TUF1WCIAWCC! A Patty favourite clean sweep of the podium places sees Nico Rosberg assume a shock lead in the standings, over Mark Webber. Former leader Sebastien Bwemmy slips to third, while Piquet Jr moves up into the top six. Further back, Sebastien Bourdais scores his last celtic crosses ever (maybe), which should cheer him up slightly when he gets his P45.

	TUF1WCIAWCC 2009 Standings
Pos	Driver/Team/Thing	Crosses
1	Nico Rosberg	12
2	Mark Webber	11
3	Sebastien Buemi	10 1/2
4	Rubens Barrichello	9
	Red Bull	9
6	Nelson Piquet Jr	8
7	Robert Kubica	7
8	Jenson Button	6
	Lewis Hamilton	6
	Fernando Alonso	6
11	Jarno Trulli	5
	The BBC Coverage	5
13	Brawn GP	4
	Kimi Raikkonen	4
15	Timo Glock	3
	BMW Sauber	3
	Giancarlo Fisichella	3
	Sebastien Bourdais	3
19	Half points	2 1/2
20	Toyota	2
	Felipe Massa	2
	Lewis Hamilton	2
	Kazuki Nakajima	2
24	Heikki Kovalainen	1
	Sebastian Vettel	1
26	Ferrari	1/2