Patronise F1

Some unhappy times for F1 in Hungary, as Massa's injury ensured the weekend was marred with a sad note. Still, Fifth Column will at least attempt to cheer you up, with some awful jokes and the hotly-awaited latest standings in TUF1WCIAWCC.

Sebastien Buemi - Rookie of the Year

"I am so very happy in Hungary! I have the new friend in the team! I am not sure what his name is, but I call him Sebastien to be on the safe side, and he laugh! He likes my jokes I think! After qualifying we went back to my motorhome to play computer games. We play racing games because that is all I have, but he keeps finishing last. He keeps saying that he's never played this game before and so that is ok, but he looks sad. So in the race, I let him finish ahead of me and he is so happy! He celebrated with champagne in the paddock bar, though his mechanic had to buy it for him because he forgot his ID. Silly Sebastien! Still, I am sure this friend will stay with me longer than the last one. I think he left to spend time with his girlfriend, because he kept talking about someone called "Sue"."

Not The F1 Newswire - The headline you probably won't read next week

Villeneuve admits he is "too crap" for F1
Ending speculation about a possible return, Jacques Villeneuve has confirmed to reporters that he won't be seeking a drive in F1 for 2010 because of his lack of ability. Speaking at an emotional press conference, Jacques said: "It is true, I was apporoached by USF1 for a drive in 2010, but I looked honestly at the situation and realised that I'm really bloody awful at driving. I mean honestly, how the hell did I win that championship? I beat Schumacher, for crying out loud." With Villeneuve out of the picture, USF1 have confirmed that they've set up a drive-through application centre on the hard shoulder of a major American highway, in a desperate effort to find anyone on the North American continent that can actually drive a car.

In Another World

On the BBC, the timing disaster at the end of qualifying is still not cleared up when the coverage hastily and stupidly ends in order to allow for the broadcast of some running.

On ITV, the timing disaster at the end of qualifying is still not cleared up when the coverage hastily and stupidly ends in order to allow for the broadcast of some old Bond film.

Oh.

Eddie Jordan Investigations - The evidence-free answers to everything!

Eddie: I've got the answer!
David: The answer to what? A sideeffect-free hair dying kit?
Eddie: No, to whether or not we landed on the moon. My sources have told me that actually the whole thing was filmed in a bunker somewhere in the Arizona desert. This is going to blow those suits at NASA off their perch.
David: Really? What sources? Only you haven't actually moved from this table in this cafe all this time.
Eddie: Well, I...
David: You've just been sitting there reading the paper muttering something about KERS.
Eddie: Erm, well, you see...
*Eddie stands up and shuffles off in silence*

The Unofficial F1 World Championship In Association With Celtic Crosses 2009

Review: No real changes at the very top of TUF1WCIAWCC, as Rosberg and Webber maintain their entirely non-nepotistic places in the top two spots, and the crosses are shared around some of the less fortunate Cross-scorers in Hungary. A maximum score will hopefully help speed up Massa's recovery, while Jaime Alguersuari announces his intention to battle Seb Bwemmy for TUF1WCIAWCC Rookie of the Year crown (TUF1WCIAWCCROTYC) with crosses in his first ever grand prix. Meanwhile, both Renault score crosses, which is nice for them given that they might not be here for the next race.

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