Patronise F1

FIA admit qualifying re-jig 'needs work'

Efforts by the FIA to spice up the show in Q3 sessions have been met with disharmony from drivers and teams, with the governing body admitting that their knee-jerk plans implemented at the German Grand Prix may require some work.

From the German race onwards, the FIA had opened up the qualifying rulebook to allow literally anybody with a car to have a go at setting a lap time in the session, to try and give fans something to watch.

However, the plans backfired when most of the drivers already eliminated used that rule to get to try and qualify in the top ten, as well as a number of spectators using their own cars. One man from Berlin qualified 9th in his 2003 BMW 3-series, narrowly lapping the track faster than both HRTs.

And after the grid for the German race was plunged into chaos, with 47 separate cars qualifying in the top ten, race director Charlie Whiting has admitted that the new proposal needs some work.

"Clearly there were some loopholes in the rules that we had not envisaged," he muttered, after he himself qualified for the race on a Segway, "However, we believe that the fans want to see action, any old action, so we will be pushing on with the proposal at the next race, with some minor changes."

Despite the flurry of Q3 action, Paul di Resta did not set a lap for Force India, the Scotsman saying after: "All that driving fast, trying to qualify? Not for me, that."

August

Teams propose 'dubbed sound' to improve new V6 engine noise

Formula One teams have requested an unusual new 'dubbing' feature for their post-2014 cars, after early tests of their new V6 engines led to further fears over the noise levels in the sport being adversely affected.

The latest moves to keep Formula One 'sounding right' came after one engineer from Renault was quoted as saying that their new V6 engine sounded like a "lawnmower running over a cat" when it was first fired up last month.

Now, teams have written to the FIA requesting investment in a series of high-tech dubbing devices, designed to drown out the wail of the V6 machines with a different sound that the teams can pipe in over the top.

Although the devices have yet to be ok-ed by the FIA, a number of teams have reportedly chosen their dubbed sounds for the season, with Ferrari set to use a loop of their old V12 engines, and Williams planning to dub over the sound of a 18th century steam engine creaking into motion.

Meanwhile, Sky's F1 team has already confirmed that should the plans go ahead, they will offer viewers a number of different dubbing options via their interactive service, including one option that will simply include occasional commentator Anthony Davidson making the engine noises himself into a microphone while he has nothing better to do.

September

Webber signs new RBR deal to 'piss off the youngsters'

Red Bull veteran Mark Webber has confirmed that he has signed a new two-year deal with Red Bull for the 2013 and 2014 seasons, citing a desire to 'get on that young bloke's tits' as his driving ambition behind his new contract.

Webber has been expected to retire at the end of the 2012 season for a number of months, with the Australian currently enduring another humbling season alongside Sebastian Vettel.

With a handful of races left to go, Vettel is within touching distance of a third-successive drivers championship, while Webber has still to lead a lap of a race, despite the RB8 enjoying a second-a-lap advantage over the rest of the field.

But despite his lacklustre season, Webber signed a new deal for reasons not entirely connected with the sport itself.

"To be honest mate, I'm just doing it to piss off the kids," he confirmed to the Sydney Morning Herald, "Jean-Eric and Dan are both good kids, but they're getting a bit too big for their boots."

He went on: "They come in here, with their fancy haircuts and their modern music and they think they own the place. So I'm keeping the seat for now. That'll show 'em. Bonza."

Red Bull, meanwhile, denied that the contract that Webber had signed was identical to David Coulthard's post-retirement deal with the team, limited only to occasional demo runs when Neel Jani wasn't available and being rampantly biased towards the team in media interviews.

October

Jordan recovering after marathon question

BBC pundit Eddie Jordan is recovering in hospital after running out of breath during a marathon question to triple world champion Sebastian Vettel during the channel's coverage of the Korean Grand Prix.

Jordan's question, which went on for a good two minutes, not only confused the German driver, who was left smirking and shrugging when he was unable to tell precisely what he was being asked, but also left the Irish pundit needing cameraside oxygen.

Speaking shortly after Vettel secured a third crown, Jordan immediately launched into the question, which may well have been about how he used to own an F1 team or something, before segueing into a story about something Heinz-Harald Frentzen once did.

Undeterred by calls from his producer to get to some sort of point, he then proceeded to loudly point at Vettel a few times, and invented at least four new words before stumbling slightly and requiring medical assistance.

Speaking after his recovery, Jordan explained: "There was a lot of factors that went into the questions, for the time that they are being asked which, of course, you tend to have to ask after the race which occurred on track, and what a great race with the action that we saw in Korea there, with Vettel that for me is going to be one of the true greats of the sport and, for my money, is now right up there with the legends that we have seen throughout the years that tend to win the races with backing from the teams that really combine into a perfect conflabulation of car and driver, like we have seen in the past, and that is why I really believe that the questions that I ask that, while they do skirt around the subject sometimes really do tend to try and get to the root of the situation with Vettel and the sport."

He then paused and required further oxygen.

November

Abu Dhabi GP denies 'mass narcolepsy' claims

Organisers of the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix have quickly denied that their race was responsible for a recent spate of narcoleptic outbreaks across the world, claiming that the situation was an "unfortunate coincidence".

The fourth Abu Dhabi GP took place on Sunday, providing a stunningly dull spectacle as the 24 F1 cars trundled around the opulent billion dollar circuit doing absolutely nothing of note.

After the race, medical experts across the world revealed that they had been shocked to find a 7000% increase in people suffering spontaneous periods of sleep for no apparent reason, and suggested that the causal link may have been that they were all watching the race at the time.

But Abu Dhabi organisers have been quick to deny that the two incidents are nothing more than coincidental.

"There is no chance that we are responsible for this," a track spokesman said, "After all, how could anyone be bored enough to sleep through our race?

"It is one of the most exciting races of the F1 year, the way that it start off quite light and then gets darker, and then there's that building that changes colour."

Despite the protestations, doctors have advised F1 fans not to look directly at the Abu Dhabi race next season, extending their advice to also cover Valencia, Korea and Bahrain.

December

Ecclestone proposes nonsensical scheme to boost F1 exposure

During the long Formula One off-season, Bernie Ecclestone has proposed a series of controversial and unworkable ideas to help improve the sport, in an effort to secure vital media coverage for F1 while nothing else is happening.

The comments, which were completely implausible and barely made any sort of sense, catapulted F1 back into the headlines at a time when the sport is struggling to compete for exposure against rival events.

"I really feel that my new system will make the sport a better spectacle," Ecclestone screamed, making sure every news source was correctly spelling all of his words.

He went on: "During each race, drivers should be able to not only change tyres, but swap their cars with rivals as and when they want, by requesting different cars over the radio.

"This will ensure that the best driver wins, as he will need to race in a number of different cars, and also revolutionise the way that people watch Formula One."

Teams responded to the request by angrily refusing to have any part in the new plans, allowing the headlines to be spread across a number of additional days in a manner that Ecclestone later described as having been the "perfect result".

Fans have also reacted angrily to the unworkable proposals, getting as irate as possible and boosting post counts across a wide range of online forums as well as setting up 17 new online petitions to try and prevent Ecclestone from ever speaking again.

Happy New Year to all our Patronise F1 readers!