I was recently sat in a parked car with a female friend who enthusiastically twisted the key in the ignition of her little sports car, proceeded to loudly blip the right pedal before she frowned and turned her eyes towards mine and asked, “Is my engine on?” After pointing out that the vrmm’ing noise meant in all likelihood it was, I reflected that I like my women with two working ears, but what do you go for in a partner? Wit, charm, looks, confidence, spontaneity, deep pockets?
Finding a partner with any of these traits is one of the few things we worthless civilians can relate to with Formula 1 drivers – they too have to go through the whole minefield that is dating and find someone to pass on their successful (or unsuccessful) genes onto. Like most sports with a WAG culture, Formula 1 down the years has been a magnet for the large chested and dense. Many of these dim beauties have been bedded by Flavio Briatore and Eddie Irvine exclusively, however not every lady who has been swept up in the romance of those involved in Formula 1 has an IQ in double figures.
So of course, it would be easy to casually rattle off six names at machine gunfire pace of Briatore’s successful conquests, but instead we’re going to look at six very different women who have all left their own unique mark on the sport. Gentlemen cross your legs, ladies open Outlook and prepare to complain, it’s six of the best Formula 1 WAGs.
1. Elisabetta Gregoraci
Okay, okay, I fell at the first hurdle by bringing up this lady as she’s one of Briatore’s triumphs. I’ll let myself off though because she’s not just another conquest, she is his wife and I am not joking. Despite being 30 years Flav’s junior, Gregoraci had no qualms in accepting his marriage proposal and in 2008 she became the other half of the most incomprehensible man on earth.
Despite assumptions many would make based on her appearance, Gregoraci does have something between her ears as demonstrated by her diploma in accounting and the equally vital life skill of a degree in modern dance. Growing bored of learning, she moved into the world of entertainment at the turn of the millennium and hasn’t looked back since with modelling contracts, a stint working for Silvio Berlusconi and an alleged sexual favours scandal all taking pride of place on her CV. All of this aroused the attentions (gotcha) of Briatore who waddled over and put the moves on her, resulting in an all star wedding last year.
In the next life I want to come back as a greasy and portly Italian.
2. Erja Häkkinen
Stop laughing at the back, no really, stop! The other half of The Hakk until recently, Erja had been with Mika far longer than an average relationship with Eddie Irvine. Approximately 15 years in fact, that saw her by Mika’s side as his girlfriend when he decided to drive into a wall, just to give Sir Jackie something else to verbosely bang on about.
Helping Mika through his recovery and onto two subsequent titles and children, Erja provided a welcome breath of fresh air into F1 and stuck two fingers up to accepted status quo of playboy looks and promiscuity. This marriage made in typical Finnish muttering and mumbling heaven didn’t last however with Erja recently taking Mika to the cleaners. Ol’ Mika doesn’t seem too bothered though and why would he be when he has his new upgrade? N.B. Patronise cannot presently confirm or deny rumours Erja 2.0 is only with him for his dress sense.
3. Françoise Hardy / Lisa
Okay, you can uncover your eyes again. Many of you will know Hardy for her extremely successful music and fashion career, particularly in the 1960s. If you don’t know of her or how pretty she was, Google her or mention her name (or alternatively one of Debbie Harry, Joanna Lumley or Lulu) to your Dad and he is likely to mutter something about needing to go the bathroom and that he shall return in 5 minutes.
So where does one of the most iconic pinups of the 60s fit in on our inane list? In between releasing more tracks than Hermann Tilke, Hardy was invited by John Frankenheimer to appear in his racing movie, Grand Prix. Hardy played the role of the softly spoken Lisa, the love interest of Nino Barlini, an utterly ridiculous character whose acting performance would even fail a Hollyoaks casting. Admittedly, Barlini and Lisa in the film played the stereotypical ditzy young and in love couple well, with their good looks and perfect olive tans enough to send anyone a deep shade of green. Despite Lisa saying as much as Kimi Räikkönen under general anaesthetic, her altogether too brief cameos in the film were a welcome distraction to the somewhat cheesy storyline.
Now 65 years old, Hardy resides in Paris and remains an idol to anyone called Brian, Keith or Derek.
4. Raquel del Rosario
If ever one wanted to see cute personified, then the impossibly small Rosario fits the bill perfectly. Singer of the band El Sueño de Morfeo (it’s okay, we’ve never heard of them either), it was her domestic success as their vocalist that led her to intimately meeting Fernando Alonso in front of a studio audience. Despite roaring in Alonso’s face at his weak handshake greeting, Rosario eventually saw something in Mr. Eyebrows as the two tied the knot in 2006.
Rarely seen in and around the paddock (and not acting like a fool when she does appear), her own successful career means Rosario isn’t the typical WAG who sponges off the other half for her lifestyle. Despite an incident where Rosario tried to be so independent that she seemingly had a stab at cutting her own hair, I can forgive her for no other reason than I would quite like to father her children. I best start practicing that crap handshake then.
5. Cora Schumacher
It wouldn’t be a sporting WAGs list without boobs more inflated than Simon Cowell’s ego. Wife of Ralf Schumacher and chief underwriter of Harley Street, Schumacher is unique to the other five girls on this page in that she actually had a stab at racing cars competitively. All due respect for giving it a go, but she must be cut from the same cloth as Ralf because she put in a brilliant mirror image performance of her husband’s DTM career by being utterly terrible.
Possibly a more confusing couple than Gregoraci and Briatore, Ralf however does have previous for having a thing for bimbos, with an alleged affair occurring with an utter cretin occurring during his annual single decent appearance spell at Williams. Love works in mysterious ways though, so we should be happy for Ralf and Cora and expect their son David to be propping up the 2025 grid driving an absolute nail.
6. Helen Stewart
Unlike my aforementioned acquaintance with the dodgy ears, Mrs Stewart is one lady whose ears are in fine working order having been tested to destruction by Sir Jackie for the last forever.
Having met and fallen in love in rural Scotland before Jackie had even set foot in a racing car and was more interested in gunning down clay pigeons, Stewart could never be accused of marrying Jackie for glitz, glamour or money. Slight trepidation preceded Stewart supporting Jackie’s racing, though once she understood it was what he and his Elvis sideburns wanted, she fully supported his career all over the world. In addition, Stewart refused to play the role of window dressing and played an important role for the teams Jackie drove for by being timekeeper during his 100 races.
How nice it is to see a couple in these times stick together for so long, though maybe she wanted to break it off 20 years ago and still can’t get a word in edgeways.
Honourable mentions
I’d like to add a few honourable mentions to those who came close to entering my top six but just failed to do so. Lewis Hamilton’s curiously older girlfriend Nicole Scherzinger deserves a mention for even if you find her a waste of oxygen somewhat in your face, she’s at least memorable. Mark Webber’s other half almost made the cut too by "doing a Lewis" and choosing a lady from the older pile in Ann Neil. Kimi Räikkönen wins the ballsy award for marrying someone even taller than him. And finally Heikki Kovalainen’s English squeeze Catherine Hyde wins the accolade for most bored WAG ever.
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